Did I make a mistake? He's so mean...

[aspiegirl23]

I only got married last December, and I am starting to think I really screwed up. And it isn't just me involved, I have a son who is 8yo who is getting exposed to all of this, too, and now, a baby on the way.

Was I stupid to think that he would improve and get better? He seems to only be getting worse!

Am I naive to think that what happened with his ex and kids wouldn't happen with me? They cut him completely out of their lives and haven't contacted him in over 4 years.

He makes and breaks promises (the biggest one being that he chose me & my son over alcohol). He laughs at my son when he makes a mistake and he ridicules him and is condescending. My son and I both have Asperger's, btw. He yells at me and abuses me in front of my son. He tells me that all I do is go around moping, whinging, and complaining. Yesterday was after a huge, busy weekend. I am 22 weeks pregnant and it is getting tough to walk already. I am sick as well. I felt awful last night and couldn't cook dinner. I asked if he could get us dinner from subway. He just snapped and flipped into a massive rage about it. I couldn't help but break down and cry in front of him and my son.

I then suddenly felt someone hugging me - I thought it might have been my husband, but it was my son. He just hugged and hugged me. He got me a drink. He set up this little bed for me with cushions and rugs, and his pillow, and his toys. he lay there with me and comforted me and said he would do anything I need him to do. He said that he knows pregnancy can be hard. He wrote me a beautiful note, and he continued to look after me til his bedtime. My husband didn't say or do anything. We haven't spoken since.

Today on the way to school my son said, sarcastically "gee I can't wait til hit is home, so he can start abusing and yelling at you again".

This was meant to be the man that I CHOSE to be a good male role model for my son, and now look

He is doing a DBT course and is taking some vitamins, etc, I put him onto with a naturopath to help him feel better (serotonin precursors, etc), but it just doesn't seem to be helping.

I got married for life, but this is hit. I am depressed every day. He doesn't care about the pregnancy much, only sometimes. I feel so alone. He drinks most days, including when he is looking after my son. I pay thousands of dollars each month on bills and he complains if he has to spend a few hundred. And if he ever does any chores around the house he complains that he is treated like a slave, even though I do the majority of the work.

I try and try to read about BPD and how to handle it, but I just can't seem to make it work. Yesterday we did a fundraiser walk, which I knew I would struggle with a little bit, but we did it anyway. My son had an anxiety attack at the start because he felt overwhelmed by how far it was (only 3km). My husband didn't help. He just kept walking off, because he didn't like our "pace" (he wanted to go a bit faster). He had his pregnant wife, and scared stepson doing their best, and he just walks off! He is meant to be our "protector"!

Am I doing the right thing or wrong thing by staying with him?

(thanks for reading if you got this far! I have no one else to really talk to about any of this.)

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Phoenix.Rising]

  aspiegirl23,  It saddens me to hear that you are going through this while you are pregnant.  My heart goes out to you.  I'm glad your son was there to comfort you.  I don't know if you made a mistake, but I do know there are actions you can take to take care of yourself.

Maybe some of the info in these workshops can help:

Arguing - don't engage

BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

Don't let your depression get out of hand.  It might help to talk to a professional.  Hang in there.

Phoenix.Rising

[Chosen]

I am so sorry that you're going through this, aspiegirl23.  There are probably lots of "if only"s that you're saying to yourself, but those will likely just make you feel worse.  And anyway, it's not all your fault because pwBPDs can hide themselves quite well... .

First of all, I want to ask how long have you been reading about BPD and the skills to handle it?  It didn't work for me straight away.  Especially since there were certain things I was afraid to practise (like walking away).  Then as I started small, and start seeing small results (teeny tiny ones only, mind you, like he used to swear the most hideous words at me, then later on after I learnt not to respond to them he dropped those words, while still swearing), I got more courage to do bigger things, and it improved a bit.  He still gets really unreasonable sometimes but things have improved a bit, after a little more than a year.

Also, I think you need to have a serious think what do you want for yourself, what is in your control and what isn't.  The situation you're in is not ideal and probably will never be ideal.  But realistically speaking, how much are you able to take?  How much can your son take?  People outside will tell you to leave and never look back, and some people here do that too.  It’s not wrong.  But I also don’t think it’s wrong to stay.  However, you will need to make that choice for yourself, so that you will not feel you are forced to stay/ leave.  

And of course, by all means, come here and rant to us.  Even though we can never truly understand your situation, not knowing you personally, at least we can offer a “listening ear”.  Take care.

[waverider]

Sorry to hear this, I can imagine just how hopeless this all feels and how depressed it can make you. You have a lot on your plate and your responsibilities are going to be even harder shortly.

This pattern of behavior is unfortunately quite common.

What to do is the question.

You have a hard road in front of you no doubt, but you need to start somewhere. That somewhere is starting to protect you rather trying to fix your H, you cant't do that.

The first thing that stands out, you have little in the way of boundaries to protect you from abusive behavior. You can't attempt everything at once, but this where you should start. You need somewhere you and your son can go to if either of you are faced without outright abuse. Your son needs to see that you are doing something positive to combat this. Otherwise he will see submissive behavior as normal, and yes your H will become a role model. Some behaviors he will copy and others he will become overly sensitive to. You do not want him to become an emotional cripple as a result of shutting down to protect himself.

I was in a similar position as you when I brought my kids into a BPD relationship, once the honeymoon phase was over conflict between us spilled over into projection on to the kids whose only interest was sticking up for me. The good news is after a lot of work and realizing what was behind all this there is no longer any projection or issues directed at the kids and direct conflict between us does not occur unless I allow it.

It is a hard path but it is possible, but it all starts with making sure you are not abused, and that can only be achieved by not allowing you to be subjected to it, rather trying to stop him being abusive, that follows as a consequence.

It all starts with you looking after you and your kids. You dont have to put up with this, but dont waste your energies fighting it

Demands>disengage

Abuse>boundaries, including leaving if you have to.

Stopping abuse is more important than saving a relationship.

Neither can you have a worthwhile relationship while excessive abuse is present.

[123Phoebe]

Aw aspiegirl23   And your son, wow!  He's an amazing, smart, compassionate and loving little fella.  What a beautiful soul  

Just want you to know that you're among friends here who will support you all the way, no matter what... .

Abuse of any kind is just plain wrong and I'm saddened to hear you're experiencing it

[aspiegirl23]

Wow, thank you everyone for your responses. You guys are always so wise, and so supportive and understanding. You have really helped me find some more energy in there to keep going.

I have been reading "Stop walking on Eggshells", the book, as well as one by Simon Baron-Cohen's book "Zero degrees of empathy" which talks about narcissists, borderlines, psychopaths, and those on the autism spectrum, and I have read lessons on this site, plus have just googled in general.

I think one of my issues is that I cannot think of anywhere to take my and my son away to when my husband gets in a bad way... .We live in a small unit, and in the evening with an 8yo there isn't really anywhere to take him... .

I could still definitely read a lot more... .I think unfortunately I have reached a place where I am too tired to put all the extra effort in, and just wish he could look after ME for a bit, during this pregnancy plus my other stresses (trying to start a new business plus move house).

123Phoebe - I know, my Son is definitely the most beautiful soul, I am SO lucky to have him! Another reason why I don't want him to get "damaged" by all this

After a while I do tend to get fairly numb and just stop with the fighting, and then I feel sad because I never wanted a numb relationship, I wanted a close, intense, loving, supportive one... .

Anyway, sorry, I sound so negative, things are just real hard and it is a heavy slog in a few areas of my life right now. It'll get better.

Thanks again, you guys are great

[Phoenix.Rising]

I think one of my issues is that I cannot think of anywhere to take my and my son away to when my husband gets in a bad way... .We live in a small unit, and in the evening with an 8yo there isn't really anywhere to take him... .

 aspiegirl23,

My first thought was a family member or friend, but if those aren't available then check with the local women's shelter.  And don't forget about 911 if necessary.  Best to you.

Phoenix

[Grey Kitty]

You have some good advice already here--not engaging with the arguments, and saving yourself and your son from abuse sound like the first priorities.

I would recommend you call a women's shelter or domestic violence hotline--they will know more local resources for you than we do.

You may find that just having a Safety Plan so you can go quickly when it is time.

Have some money, ID, cellphone, and keys, and gas in your car, or a plan of where to walk to, or whatever. You may only need to go away for 20 minutes or a couple hours for a mood to pass.

I'd also like to add that many people here have found that just these two changes will make a huge positive difference in your life!

 Hang in there!

[waverider]

Just having a safety plan, even if you never use it, makes you feel less trapped as a consequence.

[allibaba]

You have a hard road in front of you no doubt, but you need to start somewhere. That somewhere is starting to protect you rather trying to fix your H, you cant't do that.

The first thing that stands out, you have little in the way of boundaries to protect you from abusive behavior. You can't attempt everything at once, but this where you should start. You need somewhere you and your son can go to if either of you are faced without outright abuse. Your son needs to see that you are doing something positive to combat this. Otherwise he will see submissive behavior as normal, and yes your H will become a role model. Some behaviors he will copy and others he will become overly sensitive to. You do not want him to become an emotional cripple as a result of shutting down to protect himself.

Hey there Aspiegirl23,

Sorry to hear that you are going through all of this.  Especially so early in your marriage.

I have been with my uBPDh for about 10 yrs.  I would like to reiterate that without boundaries, things will get worse unfortunately.  The good news is that you have the power to change the situation and you have found resources and tools very early on in your marriage (that is actually a good thing!).  So maybe you can avoid the years of pain that some of us went through walking on eggshells with the one that we love. 

I knew about the concept of boundaries about 2 yrs before I started enforcing them at home.  I had all sorts of reasons why I couldn't enforce boundaries with my husband when I started down this road this spring (he had been sick, life had dealt him some unfair cards, he was already struggling, his personality is so strong I thought that boundaries would be the end of our marriage, he's smart so he'd see through my ruse).  Underneath all of them was the fact that I was afraid to stand up to him... .afraid to rock the boat.  I really thought that things would somewhere magically start to get better.  They didn't --- year after year --- things got worse and worse until I found myself in a full blown abusive relationship  Senior members of the board that are posting here told me to have a safety plan in place.  I didn't think that it was necessary but I did anyway.  I ended up at the local DV shelter at one point during boundary enforcement because it was a safe place to go.  (once boundary enforcement started there were some violent tantrums at my house).  I felt silly going to a DV shelter initially because I didn't feel that my safety was at risk... .but come to find out DV advocates don't really care if you FEEL that your safety is at risk.  They are more worried about you being abused and want to help.  It hasn't been an easy road but things are slowly but surely turning better for us. My husband is in the early stages of treatment.

I have a son as well (a year and a half) and he was about a year old when I started enforcing boundaries.  I can honestly say that enforcing boundaries with a BPD makes life much easier.  It puts the control back in your hands.  At the end of the day a BPD demands control of the relationship but in the end they can't handle it... .they are too insecure.

I then suddenly felt someone hugging me - I thought it might have been my husband, but it was my son. He just hugged and hugged me. He got me a drink. He set up this little bed for me with cushions and rugs, and his pillow, and his toys. he lay there with me and comforted me and said he would do anything I need him to do. He said that he knows pregnancy can be hard. He wrote me a beautiful note, and he continued to look after me til his bedtime. My husband didn't say or do anything. We haven't spoken since.

Today on the way to school my son said, sarcastically "gee I can't wait til hit is home, so he can start abusing and yelling at you again".

This was meant to be the man that I CHOSE to be a good male role model for my son, and now look

Your son sounds like such a good kid.  He is trying to make up for your husband's deficiencies... .  unfortunately because of the situation he is in he's acting like an adult at a young age and that can have ramifications later in life.  Kids need to be kids and they need their parents to protect them from abuse.  I have some experience with this because of the custody battle between my uBPDh and his diagnosed NPD ex-wife.  She didn't allow her kids to be kids.  They were her emotional support every step of the way and by the time that she and my husband got divorced they were wise beyond their years.  Now she's been married 5 more times and they continue to be her support.  There was a lot of psych testing done at one point in their custody battle and I remember the court social worker saying that allowing her kids to take on such adult things at such a young age was extremely unhealthy emotionally.

I know that this example isn't great because my husband's ex-wife willfully chose to put her kids in this situation whereas your son has probably just fallen into this role due to circumstances but I still wanted to share my own bits of experience in this area.

I'm not saying all of this to make a bad situation worse, I just hope that maybe that is a catalyst to get going on the boundaries that will protect him and allow him to be a kid.

I wish you all the best and lots of 

[allibaba]

I went back and found the beginning of my boundary enforcement.  Some others have found it helpful. 

Thought that you might too.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=200881.0;all