why is he doing this particular new thing?

[eeyore]

if we can't figure out a solution to a little problem like saying by at the end of a text conversation then most likely resolving big problems won't be possible either.  Someone once told me that people with addictions tend to trade one addiction for another.  In similar regard, I suspect you might resolve the texting issue but it will be replaced with something else.  In that case it's just more of the same and you are back to square 1.

It might be a good time to really assess your true feelings.  I seems apparent to me that you want more than a friendship.  But you also seem to accept you are just a friend to him and the real issue might be that you can't let go of trying to become more than a friend. 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[patientandclear]

SB -- I have an appointment with a sensorimotor psychotherapist in a few days.  In a short introductory conversation by phone, after I listed my various symptoms, he immediately said "chronic PTSD."  I am very relieved to embark on a plan that is designed to deal with it on those terms.

I agree it is hard to see these things for themselves when they are all wrapped up with dysfunctional efforts that my brain is launching to resolve the trauma through some sort of restorative contact with this man.

However, peeling all that away with effort, Eeyore, my issue with him is the ongoing incongruity in his actions.  We are certainly not "just friends."  There is a level of intentionally cultivated intimacy that is not the stuff of "just friends."  And by "intentionally cultivated," I am speaking of him, not just me.  He is careful to maintain a partner-like dynamic with us a lot of the time.

And then there is the collapse of that, like last night, and in general, his not showing up the past two weeks in the way he had been.  This is pretty normal BPD-style ebb and flow except that in my case, it could be related to seeing someone else, and unlike the situation of most people on this board, that doesn't violate any explicit understanding he & I have.  However, I do view switching us on and off as violating an implicit understanding we have had about prioritizing one another.  So setting aside whether it hurts me and makes me jealous that he may be seeing someone else, I feel perfectly entitled to be mad or at the end of my rope that he plugs me in and unplugs me like an appliance.  Even if we are "friends."

You know ... .I wrote all that DEARMAN approach twice.  And I was thinking I would send a version of it.  But as the hours go by, I am feeling more and more like -- no.  What happens when you behave like this is not that I open up yet more to you, make myself vulnerable to you yet one more time.  What happens when you behave like this is that you lose me.

I am not going to respond to the lame "I blew you off for unstated reasons" text and I am not going to write an email essentially asking him to not fail to respond to an earlier email.  For goodness' sake.  If he notices something is amiss and wants to discuss it, I guess I can explain myself then.  I am tired of asking for him to value me, and us.  That just doesn't feel healthy.

So the end of the texting saga is that I am drawing conclusions from the way he acts.  One conclusion is that once again, there is no solid ground under my feet with him, ever.  One is that we are not as special as I keep hoping.  And one is that there is a limit to how much work I am willing to do to prevent him from damaging this r/s.

Thanks so much for the guidance and hand-holding, you guys.

[Whatwasthat]

Hi P and C! It's lovely to 'see' you - even though it's been a difficult few days for you.

I'm fascinated by the sensorimotor psychotherapist. That sounds great. I look forward to hearing more about how that works out. I'm a big advocate of techniques that acknowledge the link between mental, emotional and physical functioning - frankly I don't think any other approach makes much sense. But I've never encountered a sensorimotor psychotherapist before so want to learn more.

And I think acting on the fact that you are tired of asking your ex/friend to value your 'shared connection' is perfectly valid and a fine thing to do for now.

But my major thought comes from what you say here... .

I agree it is hard to see these things for themselves when they are all wrapped up with dysfunctional efforts that my brain is launching to resolve the trauma through some sort of restorative contact with this man.

However, peeling all that away with effort, Eeyore, my issue with him is the ongoing incongruity in his actions... . 

I honestly believe that once you go down the road of treating the PTSD your view of his incongruous actions and this whole situation will quieten right down and alter substantially. Things that bother you now simply won't seem relevant or important any more - or you will be able to leap to knowing what you should do in any given situation with relative ease and comfort.

Sending warm hugs.   WWT.