4 months later...

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

So, it's been:

-Over 4 1/2 months since we decided to split.

-Just about 4 months since he moved out.

-Over 3 1/2 months since I slipped and spent a week and a half being intimate and chatting with him too much.

-And almost 2 months since he spent the good part of a week trying to get me back (which was not easy, there were times I was worried I would cave) then getting verbally nasty when I wouldn't take him. 

-1 month NC, then I had to contact him to see if he would pick up the last of his stuff after the house sold- he never showed up.

-1 more month of NC puts us to today- all of our escrow checks have been returned to me and we have to meet up in person to sign the checks and deposit them into my account. I sent him an email. I'm very anxious and dreading this... .

Best case scenario: He has another gf that he is in the honeymoon phase with and just wants to get his money and bad mouth me to her.

Worst case scenario: He’s still single, gets emotional when he sees me which I know will cause me to. Without him in my life, I am strong. With him, not so much.

While I know that I made the right decision, there are days that I miss what we had even though sometimes I don’t think any of it was really real. I miss the good part of the intensity. The connection. The initial feeling that we had found each other, the search was over.

I'm dating someone new now and seeing little pieces of the damage that my BPD relationship has cause to my psyche. This new guy is SO different- I’ve known him for 5 years. He’s totally self-sufficient, in control, stable, not needy, successful, etc. But I find myself yearning for that intoxicating feeling I had in the beginning with my pwBPD. I know it’s wrong, but it’s like a drug that I’m craving and it makes me sick. Things with this new person are so calm, and mature and we’re taking it slow and I know all of these things are good things, but there is a battle going on within me to accept that it doesn’t have to be “head over heels soulmate can’t keep your hands and eyes off of each other for 5 minutes feelings” to be real. Sometimes I just feel like he ruined my ability to accept normalcy, even though that is what I craved with him when the good intensity turned into the bad kind. The best thing I can do is keep him out of my life, because admittedly, I have a weakness for him. I think I’m strong enough not to let him back into it again, but having any contact with him whatsoever causes me stress, so I choose to have none. There are days when I think I’m completely over him and fine, but a dream of him or a check coming in the mail with both of our names on it can spike a whole day of anxiety. My T says this is normal, I have a bit of PTSD from this relationship. I did have two panic attacks after arguments with him post breakup during LC times. Took me a while to realize what they were.

Anyways. Aside from all that I am doing well. Exploring new hobbies/career move, networking, enjoying life. Open to new love, but not blind. Eyes. Wide. Open.

[Peace4ME]

So, it's been:

-Over 4 1/2 months since we decided to split.

-Just about 4 months since he moved out.

-Over 3 1/2 months since I slipped and spent a week and a half being intimate and chatting with him too much.

-And almost 2 months since he spent the good part of a week trying to get me back (which was not easy, there were times I was worried I would cave) then getting verbally nasty when I wouldn't take him. 

-1 month NC, then I had to contact him to see if he would pick up the last of his stuff after the house sold- he never showed up.

-1 more month of NC puts us to today- all of our escrow checks have been returned to me and we have to meet up in person to sign the checks and deposit them into my account. I sent him an email. I'm very anxious and dreading this... .

Best case scenario: He has another gf that he is in the honeymoon phase with and just wants to get his money and bad mouth me to her.

Worst case scenario: He’s still single, gets emotional when he sees me which I know will cause me to. Without him in my life, I am strong. With him, not so much.

While I know that I made the right decision, there are days that I miss what we had even though sometimes I don’t think any of it was really real. I miss the good part of the intensity. The connection. The initial feeling that we had found each other, the search was over.

I'm dating someone new now and seeing little pieces of the damage that my BPD relationship has cause to my psyche. This new guy is SO different- I’ve known him for 5 years. He’s totally self-sufficient, in control, stable, not needy, successful, etc. But I find myself yearning for that intoxicating feeling I had in the beginning with my pwBPD. I know it’s wrong, but it’s like a drug that I’m craving and it makes me sick. Things with this new person are so calm, and mature and we’re taking it slow and I know all of these things are good things, but there is a battle going on within me to accept that it doesn’t have to be “head over heels soulmate can’t keep your hands and eyes off of each other for 5 minutes feelings” to be real. Sometimes I just feel like he ruined my ability to accept normalcy, even though that is what I craved with him when the good intensity turned into the bad kind. The best thing I can do is keep him out of my life, because admittedly, I have a weakness for him. I think I’m strong enough not to let him back into it again, but having any contact with him whatsoever causes me stress, so I choose to have none. There are days when I think I’m completely over him and fine, but a dream of him or a check coming in the mail with both of our names on it can spike a whole day of anxiety. My T says this is normal, I have a bit of PTSD from this relationship. I did have two panic attacks after arguments with him post breakup during LC times. Took me a while to realize what they were.

Anyways. Aside from all that I am doing well. Exploring new hobbies/career move, networking, enjoying life. Open to new love, but not blind. Eyes. Wide. Open.

[Validation78]

Hi P4M!

It's good to hear from you and to know that you are making positive progress!

I understand completely what you are going through. I think in time, the anxiety will get easier, although, I do know from personal experience, there are still some things that trigger a bit of anxiety. The thing is, it passes more quickly now, and I am mindful of the feeling, and what I need to do in order to quell the feeling. You will find a way to do that too, I'm sure.

It will take time to fully process everything you've been through. It's one of the reasons some of us feel the need to not get involved in another relationship too soon. That is a personal decision, and timing is something only you can decide on. I'm just glad to hear that you are aware of the things that may interfere with being involved with someone new, and this way, you can address them before they do harm to something that may otherwise be good for you!

My advice about any dealings you have to have with your ex is to treat it like a business transaction. If you have to see him, work on a deadpan facial expression, no emotion. You can crash later if you need to. I just wouldn't let him see me sweat. I practiced this with my T before hand, since the behavior is out of character for me. I didn't do this to be mean, I did it to convey that I could not be charmed or convinced that anything could ever be different. I wanted him to know that this was it. I was cordial, yet very distant. It's tough stuff, I know. However, we have to do what is best for ourselves, and to process all we've been through, and get on a healing path which it sounds like you have already done. Keep going!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[Octoberfest]

So, it's been:

-Over 4 1/2 months since we decided to split.

-Just about 4 months since he moved out.

-Over 3 1/2 months since I slipped and spent a week and a half being intimate and chatting with him too much.

-And almost 2 months since he spent the good part of a week trying to get me back (which was not easy, there were times I was worried I would cave) then getting verbally nasty when I wouldn't take him. 

-1 month NC, then I had to contact him to see if he would pick up the last of his stuff after the house sold- he never showed up.

-1 more month of NC puts us to today- all of our escrow checks have been returned to me and we have to meet up in person to sign the checks and deposit them into my account. I sent him an email. I'm very anxious and dreading this... .

Best case scenario: He has another gf that he is in the honeymoon phase with and just wants to get his money and bad mouth me to her.

Worst case scenario: He’s still single, gets emotional when he sees me which I know will cause me to. Without him in my life, I am strong. With him, not so much.

While I know that I made the right decision, there are days that I miss what we had even though sometimes I don’t think any of it was really real. I miss the good part of the intensity. The connection. The initial feeling that we had found each other, the search was over.

I'm dating someone new now and seeing little pieces of the damage that my BPD relationship has cause to my psyche. This new guy is SO different- I’ve known him for 5 years. He’s totally self-sufficient, in control, stable, not needy, successful, etc. But I find myself yearning for that intoxicating feeling I had in the beginning with my pwBPD. I know it’s wrong, but it’s like a drug that I’m craving and it makes me sick. Things with this new person are so calm, and mature and we’re taking it slow and I know all of these things are good things, but there is a battle going on within me to accept that it doesn’t have to be “head over heels soulmate can’t keep your hands and eyes off of each other for 5 minutes feelings” to be real. Sometimes I just feel like he ruined my ability to accept normalcy, even though that is what I craved with him when the good intensity turned into the bad kind. The best thing I can do is keep him out of my life, because admittedly, I have a weakness for him. I think I’m strong enough not to let him back into it again, but having any contact with him whatsoever causes me stress, so I choose to have none. There are days when I think I’m completely over him and fine, but a dream of him or a check coming in the mail with both of our names on it can spike a whole day of anxiety. My T says this is normal, I have a bit of PTSD from this relationship. I did have two panic attacks after arguments with him post breakup during LC times. Took me a while to realize what they were.

Anyways. Aside from all that I am doing well. Exploring new hobbies/career move, networking, enjoying life. Open to new love, but not blind. Eyes. Wide. Open.

I think this is very interesting, and I relate to it a lot.  Things with most new girls that I have met just seem so... .boring.  There is something incredibly alluring about the dynamic, volatile kind of relationship that comes with a pwBPD.  The intensity is out of this world... .Having had that (and especially for me seeing as my BPD relationship is the ONLY relationship I have ever had, it is the only way I know), it is hard to imagine being in a relationship where that kind of passion is not present. I DO miss the feelings that I had at the beginning when it was all so intense. I don't miss the constant anxiety and hurt that came later once I got serious and told her I loved her.  But that excitement... .as you can see I am rambling a little, getting lost just trying to remember it.  It was that surreal.

[Peace4ME]

I DO miss the feelings that I had at the beginning when it was all so intense. I don't miss the constant anxiety and hurt that came later once I got serious and told her I loved her.  But that excitement... .as you can see I am rambling a little, getting lost just trying to remember it.  It was that surreal.

I hear you. I can't quite explain it either, surreal is a good way to put it.  I tell myself that I understand that our connection in the beginning was built off of false pretenses. A lot of mirroring, infatuation, sexual chemistry, and being naive (at 28)... .  Yet do I still miss the beginning? Yes. Even though in the back of my mind I know it wasn't genuine or sustainable. And like you said, Octoberfest- you'd think that the next chapter of anxiety and hurt and devastation would push us away completely, but in effect, it made me hang on even more. It made me try everything in my power to get that back. When it wasn't even real to begin with.

It's pretty shattering to realize that. I think I'm still trying to really accept it.