What do you say when ...

[Iolair]

What do you say when your BPDso says, "There's no place for me in the world."? I hear that one a lot. I understand more now that it's part of the identity disturbance trait. But what do you say to it? All he did was run to town to pick up a pizza for our supper. He seemed ok when he left. When he got home, he seemed sad. When I asked if something had happened, that's when he said it.

It wasn't a major event, we sat down and enjoyed our pizza and laughed at a silly show on TV. But it made me think to ask here, because I realized it's a very common theme for my BPDbf, and I'd like to try and respond to it better.

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[waverider]

What do you say when your BPDso says, "There's no place for me in the world."?

'There's a warm loving spot for you in my heart" and a nice smile, and leave it at that.

Dont try to delve further into that can of worms as it can go anywhere. They are dipping into a world of twisted realities, if you try to convince them otherwise it will be invalidating, they need to know you are their rock and be given time to do some self soothing.

[sunnydaysahead]

Oh I love that response! I usually hear "I am a loser" If you didn't marry a loser you would be better off" so how do you reply to that? I usually say "you are not. you are brilliant"

[waverider]

Oh I love that response! I usually hear "I am a loser" If you didn't marry a loser you would be better off" so how do you reply to that? I usually say "you are not. you are brilliant"

Though that is a normal response, but to a pwBPD it can be directly invalidating. As you are telling them they are wrong (you are taking their words literally), they can interpret that as you dont understand and you think they are crazy.

They are trying to express an overwhelming feeling, not a fact. They simply state feelings as facts, as they are one and the same to them. But as we know in truth they are not.

I believe you are not. I think you are brilliant is a better response as you are not directly contradicting them you are simply stating your own truth from your perspective(T).

You could preface that with something along the lines of "i am sorry you feel that way, it must feel awful to feel that way" That is supportive and empathetic (S+E), there is no need to go into details unless they are volunteered

[Iolair]

'There's a warm loving spot for you in my heart" and a nice smile, and leave it at that.

Dont try to delve further into that can of worms as it can go anywhere. They are dipping into a world of twisted realities, if you try to convince them otherwise it will be invalidating, they need to know you are their rock and be given time to do some self soothing.

Thanks. I think that's where I've gotten into trouble in the past. I've tried to give examples of all the ways he fits into the world (because really there are many), but logic never helps, does it? It's like you say, feelings = facts when he says something like that. I do use something like you suggested, I tell him I love him and that he's always got a place in my world. Often he responds to it with, "That's different and you know it." I don't actually understand really how it's different, but I accept that he sees it differently than I do, so I guess that's a start.

[waverider]

'There's a warm loving spot for you in my heart" and a nice smile, and leave it at that.

Dont try to delve further into that can of worms as it can go anywhere. They are dipping into a world of twisted realities, if you try to convince them otherwise it will be invalidating, they need to know you are their rock and be given time to do some self soothing.

Often he responds to it with, "That's different and you know it." I don't actually understand really how it's different, but I accept that he sees it differently than I do, so I guess that's a start.

Thats a good start, listen, accept and support. You cant fix it, and we often make it worse with misguided (in their view) attempts to do so.