sexual abuse - how to respond

[committed]

We all know that many people with BPD have experienced some type of abuse as a child - physical, emotional, sexual. I had know from speaking with other family members that more than likely my BPDbf had been physically and emotionally abused by his father. But this past week, after more than four years together, he tells me about a secret that he had not revealed to another person for 40 years. That secret was that his mother had sexually abused him on a reoccuring basis as a young boy.

We were driving and talking about our own experiences as youngsters, first boyfriends, girl friend etc... .when he was triggered. The sad and interesting thing was that he told me in a questioning manner. He was asking me if what his mom did was wrong. He actually defended her saying that she had just divorced from his dad, was lonely and horny and that he believes that prompted it. As we talked, he would say things about loving his mother, but feeling like it was wrong, that he still has great respect for his mother etc... .Then he asked me if these incidents would be considered his first sexual experience or would it be the girl he consentually had sex with at the age of 18. I didn't in any way want to strip away any more the sexual innocence that had already been taken away from him and told him I felt it was at age 18 when he consented to having sex on his own.

There is so much more I want to know... .and in some ways I don't want to know... .but I just let him tell me what he felt comfortable doing. My fear was how to best respond to statements like this. I wanted to respond in a manner that would help him, not set him back any more. I remained calm, I listened. I told him that what his mother did was wrong; that it was sexual abuse, but also that we know his mother was suffering from mental illness (bi-polar and schizophrenia) hoping that would help take the edge off of saying what his mother did was wrong. I also very strongly told him that it was not his fault and he didn't do anything to invite this.

That conversation took place 5 days ago and neither of us have brought it up again since that time. He appears to be just on the edge of disregulation. He was that way before that conversation and in fact, had a major rage a week before that never got completely resolved. So I'm sure it was still simmering when he decided to tell me this story. In fact, what caused the rage was a discussion regarding the discipline of my daughters. Let's just say I believe in disciplining with love as that was how I was raised vs. how he was raised which was by fear of getting the crap beat out of you if you didn't do what dad said. I told him I didn't want to raise my kids in fear and he got upset and started defending his father and saying that people who said his dad was mean were wrong. My speculation is that this was all working on him and it made him think about the reason he turned to to his dad and left his mother's home was because of the sexual abuse. Although his dad is not aware of the sexual abuse.

I hope I'm making some sense here. This was all a shock to me. I can't imagine having the one person a child should trust more than any one in the world do such terrrible things. I'm open to hearing your thoughts on how I should handle thing or how some of you may have responded when faced with the same situation.

thanks

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[Iolair]

Wow. I can see why you were shocked. In a very small way, I can relate. My SO (been with him 8 years) recently told me (for the first time) that he tried to kill himself back in his 20s. I mean, I know he's had suicidal ideation before, it kind of goes with the BPD territory, but I wasn't aware of any actual attempts. I tried to take it in stride, and I haven't asked him about it again since he mentioned it (a couple of weeks ago). But it's not something someone tells you every day, you know?

Anyway, back to your BF ... .is he in therapy? I don't know the best answer to your question of how to handle the information, but my gut tells me that initiating a conversation with him about it again would not be a good idea. If HE ever wants to talk about it again, then maybe you can have some thoughts prepared for how best to respond to him. But it seems to me that it's just not the sort of thing you want to bring up on someone out of the blue. If that makes any sense.

[Lao Tzu]

Dear Committed,

    I'm no expert on this (by a long shot), but I think you did very well just going with your gut.  The proof is that he didn't havea major blow-up immediately after.  I don't think there really is any good way to respond to stories of abuse, especially from a pwBPD.  Considering that his feelings alone may be the source of his memories (often the case) rather than objective reality, it's probably just important to be non-judgmental and a good listener.  Protect yourself a bit too, though.  :)on't let yourself imagine that he's going to see the excellent way you've handled this as anything good for him at all.  He may even become angry about it.  Remember the fact of projection as well; he may actually now feel you are an abuser in some way.  Finally, don't keep trying to rescue him.  You can't.  You will let that rescuing become the raison d'etre for your relationship rather than the love and mutual support it should be.  

    I have used the term 'observing the fish bowl' a few times here.  You need to look at what he does and what he says as if it were the movements of a pretty fish in an aquarium.  :)on't let yourself get in the water and swim.  Just my two cents worth.  Good job.

LT

[committed]

thanks so much for your comments Lao Tzu and Iolair. Your comment, Lao Tzu about not imagining how he views my reaction is probably the thing that bothers me the most. It is so hard to tell what is going on in his mind and I think that is my greatest concern regarding what my response should be. I even told him outright... "I don't know what to say or how to respond to this, but just know that I love you very much, hate that you had to go through this and nothing you tell me about your past will change the way I feel about you... ." He didn't respond at all when I said that so I'm not sure if that meant anything.

He still hasn't brought it up again. He is still kind of edgy acting, but I think some of that has to do with a big company event I have Saturday night that he is attending with me. He seems to get nervous about these events and gets pretty grouchy and says he doesn't want to go. He always ends up going and seems to get along very well and has no trouble meeting people.

One of things I've learned about him is that he puts up a very tough exterior (he is high functioning BPD) but inside I think he is just a scared little boy wanting to be loved and wishing he could truly trust people. I now believe all of that was taken away from him by his parents - the very people who should have instilled it in him.

Iolair, it would be difficult to hear that your partner had tried to kill themselves. I learned that my BF's sister (who has been diagnosed with bipolar) tried to kill herself a few years ago through one of his relatives. He took it pretty hard and I wondered if I had hit a nerve when I told him; possibly something he may have considered at one time as well.

Another interesting part of this story - my BF has been estranged from his three older sisters (12 years old and above) for years. Their parents divorced when he was 10 and he was living with his mother. The sexual abuse started when he was 11. He never told anyone, but allowed it to continue because he says he didn't know what else to do and it was all very confusing to him. He said he told his father he didn't want to live with his mother any more because she was acting crazy, but didn't tell him about the abuse going on. It ended up in a court battle and he had to go before the judge at age 12 and say he wanted to live with his father. His siblings who were all out on their own have held it against him since that time because they had sided with their mother when the parent divorced. And, they may have had good reason; I understand he may have been abusive.

So, my BF has now lived with the fact that his sisters have abanonded him, without them knowing about the sexual abuse he was enduring with his mother. And, I don't think he would ever tell them because he still loves and respects his mother and would not want to present her in a bad light. It is all so sad that he has lost all of his family due in large part by this abuse, yet he feels he can't tell the truth. His mother and father are both deceased. He last saw his sisters three years ago at his mother's funeral and they barely spoke to him. It really hurt him. My BF nearly died about a year and a half ago when he was in multi-organ shutdown due to an infection and I got a hold of a relative to let them know and there was no response from them. Again, it hurt him badly... .more than he will say out loud, but I could tell from his reaction.

No, he is not in therapy, but as you can tell from his story... .probably needs to be. It would take a miracle for me to get him in to therapy; he is against it.

thanks for listening... .