feeling confused

[mitchell16]

Its been two week since any type of contact has occurred. We work close by an dthe last couple of weeks there has been some suspcious accidental run ins but I just let them go. Two weeks ago she showed up at mu house drunk and we enaged in sex. She then told me she still loved me and she left on vaction. we argued on her way on vacation inwhich she started the projections and false accustions. I couldnt make sense to her and the we ended the call and we havent sopke since. Today she sends the remaining things that I had left her house to me by a co worker. The items were nothing important but I had asked for them two weeks ago when she came to my house. Of course this has my mind spinning with all kinds of questions. Of course she had to text me and tell me she wsa sending the stuff back as if it wasnt obvious.  My brain is spinning with is it really over? do I really want it over? was this a attempt to get me to reach out for her? or is she just really done for good and is that what I want. Im am terribly confused.

[seeking balance]

I can see how her returning your things could feel like, "wow - this is really over".  Once the dysfunctional dance has an end in sight, it is normal to have a bit of a panic of your own.

Try this exercise - list on this thread all of the reasons WHY the relationship failed - let's let our logical mind be in charge right now rather than our emotional mind.

[mitchell16]

thats a good idea

1. she can never take responsiblity for her own actions

2. she has told me so many lies, that I can never trust her

3. I cant  take the raging at me anymore

4. I can never do anything right.

5. I live in constent fear of when is it going to happen next.

6. No matter hard how I try, change everything I do it still results in her pushing me away.

7. I can deal with the projections anymore, it is making me sick.

[seeking balance]

thats a good idea

1. she can never take responsiblity for her own actions

2. she has told me so many lies, that I can never trust her

3. I cant  take the raging at me anymore

4. I can never do anything right.

5. I live in constent fear of when is it going to happen next.

6. No matter hard how I try, change everything I do it still results in her pushing me away.

7. I can deal with the projections anymore, it is making me sick.

so, will there be anything in that letter to change this?

[mitchell16]

nothing will change. I have tried and tried and tried and after 2.7 years it still the same. Thats why I dont want to go back but there is still a part of me that cant fully let go yet and it makes me so angry with myself I cant see straight.

my heart breaks everytime. I had asked her not send this stuff by the thrid party becasue its not there place to be in the middle and she did it anyway. But then had to text me tell me she did it. I didnt repsond to text.

[Ironmanrises]

Mitchell,

For your own well being... .

You will have to eventually stop all contact with her.

Even if she attempts to contact you... .

Resist it.

You need to heal.

It will not cure your confusion... .

But it will lessen it... .

Stay strong.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Mitch, The behaviors you describe are quite familiar.  In my view, she is trying to get your attention and, at the same time, acting out on her anger.  Tread carefully here, my friend, as this is a red flag  , which I think you know already.  Hang in there, Lucky Jim

[mitchell16]

Lucky Jim, That what I also wonder. We had an accidental run in the day before and some unpleasant words was said. Nothing serious but she over heard me talking with some co worker and which made her decide to stick her two sense in and she said something aimed at me that was very nice. which i didnt tolrate. this is the second accidental run in two weeks. Both times it made no sense based on where she was at.  But I just ingnore which I should have done the other day but I wasnt going to be disrepected anymore sense I was talking to to her and I have been disrepected enough. and then today I get this. Is it a attempted recycle I dont know. smells like one. Since her recycles attempts are never straight forward always on the sly. another strange thing she also contacted my boss about something today that means absolutely nothing and she dont even work for my company or have dealings with my boss. But what is strange about that she has used my boss in the past to try and make me jealous. It was embarrassing, her behavior but it didnt make me jealous. She thought it did but I never did. She has been successful making me jealous other times with other men but Not with my boss but you couldnt tell her that. I feel like this is attention seeking on her behalf I might be wrong.

But I wont lie and say it didnt bother me. I havent detached enough. I still feel like Im in love with her still and miss our good times. Even though I have more then enough bad times that I should be running for the hills. I know it wont be any diffrent if we went back. I have tried that way to many times. I have tried to ignore her behaviors, didnt work. I have left to get space when she raged, that didnt work because then she said I left her or i went to meet another women. I have apolgized for things I didnt say or do, Didnt work. I have stood my ground and stood up for myself, that only resulted in me getting told that I treat her bad, awful or I disrespected her. I tried tools from this board it had minimal success and I will agree that Im probable not the best at it them. But I did try. I have went to counseling for me and have went with her for support. So cant I for the life of me figure out why I cannot 100 percent throw in the towel with this women. I have dated and been in many relationships in my 45 years and have never had this problem letting go with either me breaking up or them. and once again part of my wanst a recycle and the other want to throw up at the thoughts of it. Its like asking to be in another car accident after you just barley escaped with your life.

[Phoenix.Rising]

Its like asking to be in another car accident after you just barley escaped with your life.

I believe that's an accurate description... or say, someone that is addicted to jay walking.  They jay walk, get hit by a car, and find themselves doing it again later.  This makes no sense.  It is addiction, in my opinion.  Doing the same thing over and over expecting different results.  This is also a definition of insanity.  Do you want to be sane?

[Lucky Jim]

So cant I for the life of me figure out why I cannot 100 percent throw in the towel with this women.

In my view, the reason you can't let go is because you are/were in a BPD r/s, from which it is extremely hard to detach.  If I can use an analogy, it's similar to withdrawal from a drug addiction.  It's challenging, but if you can get through the worst part it starts to get much better.

Lucky Jim