I Just Ended It :(

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I can't do it... .I had to end it.  Here is what tipped me over the edge:

She had thrown me out of her life after finding out I had been with another during one of our splits - the split where she told me she wasn't in love with me.  10 days later she comes back in telling me she loved me, did forgive me and needed me in her life.  Things were fine for about 3 days.  Then she backed away slowly - though her replies to my reaching out were kind.  Each day she said less and less till there was nothing on days 7 and 8.  Day 9 I asked if things were okay and she said yes.  She said she was fine and asked how I was... .I said fine and that was it.  I was going CRAZY - I knew something was wrong so today... .day 10 I decided to let her know it bothered me.  I said that to say nothing and hold it in would be my old way of doing things.  I was kind and honest.  Her reply was cold and mean and she told me that I have never held back and that was one of our issues... .so... .

I emailed back and told her I will not walk on eggshells for anyone.  If something bothers me I should be able to express it without being made to feel bad for it.  I told her to do so would be very unhealthy for me.  I said we have different views on life and relationships and at this point I was disengaging.  Told her to take care and then blocked her on FB.

I emailed my mentor - told her I cannot become healthy and deal with my own issues while still locked in this power struggle with the ex... .I needed this to happen - I knew saying something would cause her to take a tough stance cause you just cannot confront issues with this woman.  Any time I have she has become angry - and only when SHE is ready for communication and compromise would she try to re-engage me.  That puts all the power in HER hands.

No more... .I am taking back my power.  I know this may sound wrong but I have some weird pleasure that it was me this time... .and not her.

[bauers220]

I can't do it... .I had to end it.  Here is what tipped me over the edge:

She had thrown me out of her life after finding out I had been with another during one of our splits - the split where she told me she wasn't in love with me.  10 days later she comes back in telling me she loved me, did forgive me and needed me in her life.  Things were fine for about 3 days.  Then she backed away slowly - though her replies to my reaching out were kind.  Each day she said less and less till there was nothing on days 7 and 8.  Day 9 I asked if things were okay and she said yes.  She said she was fine and asked how I was... .I said fine and that was it.  I was going CRAZY - I knew something was wrong so today... .day 10 I decided to let her know it bothered me.  I said that to say nothing and hold it in would be my old way of doing things.  I was kind and honest.  Her reply was cold and mean and she told me that I have never held back and that was one of our issues... .so... .

I emailed back and told her I will not walk on eggshells for anyone.  If something bothers me I should be able to express it without being made to feel bad for it.  I told her to do so would be very unhealthy for me.  I said we have different views on life and relationships and at this point I was disengaging.  Told her to take care and then blocked her on FB.

I emailed my mentor - told her I cannot become healthy and deal with my own issues while still locked in this power struggle with the ex... .I needed this to happen - I knew saying something would cause her to take a tough stance cause you just cannot confront issues with this woman.  Any time I have she has become angry - and only when SHE is ready for communication and compromise would she try to re-engage me.  That puts all the power in HER hands.

No more... .I am taking back my power.  I know this may sound wrong but I have some weird pleasure that it was me this time... .and not her.

[turtle]

No more... .I am taking back my power.  I know this may sound wrong but I have some weird pleasure that it was me this time... .and not her.

The decision to be done is very hard.  Good for you for finally making that choice.

It's not at all weird that you feel a kind of pleasure about this.  When we stand up for ourselves and choose what we KNOW is best for ourselves it is empowering. 

Most of us here have spent a significant amount of time letting another person - and their erratic emotions - dictate OUR lives.

When we finally exercise our right to choose to remove ourselves from toxicity, it usually feels pretty good. 

When the doubts come --- and they likely will --- remember how you feel right now!

You have set yourself free -- remember to live like it, act like it, and most importantly ---- STAY FREE!

Congratulations on making a difficult decision!

turtle

[bauers220]

No more... .I am taking back my power.  I know this may sound wrong but I have some weird pleasure that it was me this time... .and not her.

The decision to be done is very hard.  Good for you for finally making that choice.

It's not at all weird that you feel a kind of pleasure about this.  When we stand up for ourselves and choose what we KNOW is best for ourselves it is empowering. 

Most of us here have spent a significant amount of time letting another person - and their erratic emotions - dictate OUR lives.

When we finally exercise our right to choose to remove ourselves from toxicity, it usually feels pretty good. 

When the doubts come --- and they likely will --- remember how you feel right now!

You have set yourself free -- remember to live like it, act like it, and most importantly ---- STAY FREE!

Congratulations on making a difficult decision!

turtle

THANK YOU!  I pray she just leaves me alone.  To make me feel bad for having emotions... .for feeling bad about the lack of communication - just SO wrong.  She says this was always part of our issues and she is right!  When she is ready to engage and talk, ready to be loving and open I have NEVER shut her out!  I have had days when I just MISS her - want to talk to her - want to feel free to express my love for her but I cannot - cause she isn't "feeling it"... .One sided is never fair... .I am SO gone.

Back in January I did walk away.  I told her to not contact me and 6 days later she did.  I ignored her texts that night - ignored her emailed via FB... .until the wine got to me and I told her to sleep on it... .if she wanted to talk in the morning she had to meet me face to face.  She did... .fell apart when she saw me... .Any time I have cut her out because of things like this - she gets only so far and then tries to chase me down... .

Please please please... .let her just leave me alone.  I've always said that would be the best thing she could do for me... .then I say - but she has never thought of what is best for me - only her so why would now be different.

Guess we shall see.  Regardless she will meet only one reply if she ever does try... .silence.

[eeyore]

Congrats!  All I can think is that song verse FREEDOM! 

[bauers220]

Congrats!  All I can think is that song verse FREEDOM! 

Great song to play!  I express in music alot - this one would be Done!  Soo done!

[SeekerofTruth]

   I emailed back and told her I will not walk on eggshells for anyone.  If something bothers me I should be able to express it without being made to feel bad for it.  I told her to do so would be very unhealthy for me. 

YOU GOT THAT RIGHT!  THAT IS THE BEST THING I'VE HEARD OR READ ALL DAY.  You can't imagine.  Thank you for reminding me.

I said that to say nothing and hold it in would be my old way of doing things.  I was kind and honest.  Her reply was cold and mean   

... .yup yup.  Right out of the Manipulatioin and Control Playbook, to "pull" you off your A-Game, your emotional center, etc.  Invalidate you.  Devalue you.  Disrepect you.  Not hear you.  To sucker you in if you are vulnerable to caretaking/codependency and don't want her to be cold and mean to you as rationality, assertiveness, and expression of healthy boundaries gets criss-crossed into the booby-trap hole they try to push youself into, i.e. hurting your self.

just cannot confront issues with this woman.  Any time I have she has become angry   

yup yup, part and parcel of the Mindf... k that invalidates, doesn't hear, get, or respect from where you are coming from (devaluing you, denial, projection bag of tricks)

I know this may sound wrong but I have some weird pleasure that it was me this time... .and not her.

What's wrong with right?  (great song by the way, by my guys, hacienda bros)

sounds like just a tad of guilt or wondering what others might think.

Feedback from Turtle is spot-on imo.  Those are Healthy Endorphins, not dramachaosrushfixes that mess up your heart and respiration rate and throw your power away.  A bow of sustained grace to you.  I know there is also a tinge of bitter-sweet.  And the more i post on here lately, the more I am pining and even imagining a quick fix, so i gonna try to stay away from boards for awhile as my own vulnerabilites are knocking on all my doors. cya all later.

Take care of your self.  One day at time.  And remain vigalent.

[Wishful thinking]

It's not at all weird that you feel a kind of pleasure about this.  When we stand up for ourselves and choose what we KNOW is best for ourselves it is empowering. 

Most of us here have spent a significant amount of time letting another person - and their erratic emotions - dictate OUR lives.

When we finally exercise our right to choose to remove ourselves from toxicity, it usually feels pretty good. 

Hi bauers220

Its nw exactly 24hrs for me since my decision to call it quits. Ive tried my best. Its not working. Ive just posted my feelings. Bittersweet. Amidst the pain there is relief. Thank you Turtle for summarizing and explaining my emotions. It makes sense to me.

All the best for you also.

[Wishful thinking]

Sowy. I struggle with the quote part. 

[bauers220]

Just want to thank EVERYONE that has replied thus far!  You have NO idea how wonderfully empowering it feels to have support - and from others who KNOW the manipulation... .

I am still reeling from her words "and you have never held back, that was always one of our main issues"... .

Always hits me as if something is wrong with ME for expressing any hurt that might be happening - especially if its hurt from her coldness.  Thing is... .when she thaws... .she REALLY thaws... .I can't do it this time... .It will be tough if she comes back around - but this showed me - it doesn't matter how much work she does on self - she KNOWS - flat out KNOWS this is my main issue.  My mentor mediated between us... .brought it to her to which she says she doesn't understand WHY she does it to me and that its not like her... .Mentor called her on it and said yes it IS like you - WITH SHAWN (thats me) and then told her its VERY unfair to me... .so she KNOWS yet she does not care... .or at least TODAY she doesn't care cause she is numb and in complete hermit mode.

One thing I am thankful for though - is I didn't lash out at her.  I was kind - spoke from my heart - and still got the same reaction I would have if I had been cold and cutting to her - so I know I did right - I did all I could... .even thanked her for her honesty... .before coming back and pulling the plug.

My motto from here on out is "NO MORE EGGSHELLS"

[eeyore]

mine has called me every day this week after each day saying he wasn't going to call anymore.  I don't mind talking but I don't want to hear that I need to change or that I need to just let it go.  If only I could hit__.  It's like I've drawn my line in the sand and I'm good with that line.  If you can't respect my line then it is over for us and it's your choice to be disrespectful.  It's my choice to say I'm over it.  It's like mine has to point the finger. 

[bauers220]

mine has called me every day this week after each day saying he wasn't going to call anymore.  I don't mind talking but I don't want to hear that I need to change or that I need to just let it go.  If only I could hit__.  It's like I've drawn my line in the sand and I'm good with that line.  If you can't respect my line then it is over for us and it's your choice to be disrespectful.  It's my choice to say I'm over it.  It's like mine has to point the finger. 

She is FAMOUS for pointing fingers.  One time when she had a FIT of rage and I mean a FIT - a long email rant cause she had put me into the "friend zone" and I was flying to visit my first love... .she FREAKED.  When she came back with her apology it went like this "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm SO very sorry.  You have said mean things to me in the past too, lets just call it even.  I love you, please come see me"

She could never just say I was wrong - it has to be - we have "both" been bad - kind of a "tell me I'm not such a bad person" sort of a thing?  If its not that then its all me - I must be too clingy (to want to talk more than once a week) or I must be too insecure ... .my favorite line "if I'm not up your a*s 24/7 you turn rabid on me"... .gotta love it... .

I feel good to finally be able to open up about all this... .I have suffered in silence for so long.

[Learning_curve74]

To make me feel bad for having emotions... .for feeling bad about the lack of communication - just SO wrong.  She says this was always part of our issues and she is right!  When she is ready to engage and talk, ready to be loving and open I have NEVER shut her out!  I have had days when I just MISS her - want to talk to her - want to feel free to express my love for her but I cannot - cause she isn't "feeling it"... .One sided is never fair... .I am SO gone.

bauers220, it sounds like you are taking the first steps out of the FOG (Fear Obligation Guilt). Good for you. 

There will probably be times that it will be tough to keep moving forward. Believe in yourself in these times. We are here for support whenever you need it. Keep your head up and keep walking forward. 

[iLoveHer2.0]

Congrats!  All I can think is that song verse FREEDOM! 

Right on the road with you bauers! Speaking of music, I've found my own personal theme song for all this. Arcade Fire "Ready to Start"



Businessmen drink my blood

Like the kids in art school said they would

And I guess I'll just begin again

You say can we still be friends

If I was scared, I would

And if I was bored, you know I would

And if I was yours, but I'm not

All the kids have always known

That the emperor wears no clothes

But they bow down to him anyway

It's better than being alone

If I was scared, I would

And if I was bored, you know I would

And if I was yours, but I'm not

Now you're knocking at my door

Saying please come out with us tonight

But I would rather be alone

Than pretend I feel alright

If the businessmen drink my blood

Like the kids in art school said they would

Then I guess I'll just begin again

You say can we still be friends

If I was scared, I would

And if I was pure, you know I would

And if I was yours, but I'm not

Now I'm Ready to Start

If I was scared, I would

And if I was pure, you know I would

And if I was yours, but I'm not

Now I'm Ready to Start

Now I'm Ready to Start

I would rather be wrong

Than live in the shadows of your sun

My mind is open wide

And now I'm ready to start

Now I'm Ready to Start

My mind is open wide

Now I'm Ready to Start

Not sure you'll open the door

To step out into the dark

Now I'm ready!

God speed my friend... .be strong, there WILL be ups and down, but stay on the path!

[bauers220]

The first place my T and I are working on are boundaries.  Without them firmly in place I am at risk of allowing this to control my life again.  I will not do that!

Another goal in T is that I am at peace with my relationship with her... .well I can't have peace with someone who sees me as her enemy because she still sees herself that way... .so the only peace I can have is outside of this relationship... .

Sigh... .I am sitting her thinking - how could I LOVE someone SO much who is so broken... .I have to love me more - I don't want to hate her for being sick.  She can't meet my needs and I am not strong enough to weather this from the inside... .we are just not compatible - no matter how much love is there - its just not healthy... .

Another song line I guess... ."Sometimes love just ain't enough"... .

[Surnia]

Hi bauers220

great goals with your T  and sometimes it is better to end it actively and conscious instead of endless push pull phases... .

No, love is not enough, definitely not. Interpersonal skills are needed, ability to communicate and dealing with changes, taking responsibility, having trust... .

Its okay to love someone who is broken. 

Having a rs with someone is broken is another shoe.

[mannaguy]

[quote author=author=bauers220:

Sigh... .I am sitting her thinking - how could I LOVE someone SO much who is so broken... .I have to love me more - I don't want to hate her for being sick.  She can't meet my needs and I am not strong enough to weather this from the inside... .we are just not compatible - no matter how much love is there - its just not healthy... .[/quote]
I can relate.My T has or had BPD clients apparently long term.After much progress he said they can still snap back to that blame/rage thing(I guess at him/transference etc... ).

I knew this or that there was something deeply disturbed about her from the get go.

I asked if she'd been abused in childhood or in a violent RS before... .but she blew those questions off... .yet told me things were rough in both cases ... .kinda avoided all that...

bauers220 : Ive been there -went back-she stalked me-made me vow undying love forever(even after abusing me-actually 'Especially' after abusing me!)... .I was calm at these times saying: get help,I'll stay if you do.

Im far from perfect.These kinda people really do get under my skin & eventually I 'blow'... .And then I go What the heck? That inst me! But it IS a part of me.

That's where your own life long historical issues are so important to work out/understand.

Good Luck

[bauers220]

[quote author=bauers220:

Sigh... .I am sitting her thinking - how could I LOVE someone SO much who is so broken... .I have to love me more - I don't want to hate her for being sick.  She can't meet my needs and I am not strong enough to weather this from the inside... .we are just not compatible - no matter how much love is there - its just not healthy... .

I can relate.My T has or had BPD clients apparently long term.After much progress he said they can still snap back to that blame/rage thing(I guess at him/transference etc... ).

I knew this or that there was something deeply disturbed about her from the get go.

I asked if she'd been abused in childhood or in a violent RS before... .but she blew those questions off... .yet told me things were rough in both cases ... .kinda avoided all that...

bauers220 : Ive been there -went back-she stalked me-made me vow undying love forever(even after abusing me-actually 'Especially' after abusing me!)... .I was calm at these times saying: get help,I'll stay if you do.

Im far from perfect.These kinda people really do get under my skin & eventually I 'blow'... .And then I go What the heck? That inst me! But it IS a part of me.

That's where your own life long historical issues are so important to work out/understand.

Good Luck[/quote]
I completely agree - so may of my own issues have come to surface so for that I am forever thankful.  My ex was always VERY open and vulnerable with me... .why ME over anyone else in her life I do not know... .I know about the sexual abuse... I know about her abandonment issues at the hands of her mother who use to pretend to pack and leave when life at home was too much to take... .her little 5 year girl chasing her down the driveway terrified, begging her not to go.  My ex worships her mother - who has since passed on - and only speaks of her as an angel in her life that was always there... .Her father... .very absent in his marriage and at home - ignored his wife, drank, cheated... .all those things I know... .I held her as she cried telling me these things over the last 2 years.  I know she has the ability to look within herself and see where things need fixing... .BUT

she continues to close herself off... .ignore the ones she loves to the point where you just don't know where you stand.  She isn't like that with everyone.  She has grown children who contact her daily - she has a husband who calls on his lunch break daily - she KNOWS how to have interactive relationships.  She once told me that apart from her children I was the one unconditional love in her life... .that she couldn't manage life without me or imagine me not being there.  Yet she continues to do things to push me away - and one thing I don't think she understands is ... .people have limits and a breaking point.

I promised myself this time I would go through the motions but hold myself back - like an observer... .and see if she REALLY wanted me to stay.  Actions are what speak to me now - not words... .and she showed me the answer was NO. 

I do not know what she will or will not do... .time will tell.  To be honest - I don't believe she is done trying ... .its going to be very dramatic when she meets my silence.  I know cause I've tried it before... .except I caved when she fell apart... .I can't do that this time... .

[mannaguy]

She once told me that apart from her children I was the one unconditional love in her life... .that she couldn't manage life without me or imagine me not being there.  Yet she continues to do things to push me away

Yes.

My T said(and Ive read/heard from many sources.) that the more they open to love the more the trust/abandonment issues hit the surface.

I think we all have some of that in us.But with BPD or in my case she'd been dx'd with Bipolar it is severe & violent.Life destroying.

So it is a testament to how much 'you' opened your love to her.That is a positive!

M

[bauers220]

She once told me that apart from her children I was the one unconditional love in her life... .that she couldn't manage life without me or imagine me not being there.  Yet she continues to do things to push me away

Yes.

My T said(and Ive read/heard from many sources.) that the more they open to love the more the trust/abandonment issues hit the surface.

I think we all have some of that in us.But with BPD or in my case she'd been dx'd with Bipolar it is severe & violent.Life destroying.

So it is a testament to how much 'you' opened your love to her.That is a positive!

M

And I know this... .which adds to how endearing she is to me... .I DO love her - there is no doubt.  When she is open she is the most beautiful soul... .Which turns into something else... .so dark and cold - not the person I know and love.  In that moment she just cannot find the empathy I know she is capable of.

Which makes me wonder if I will ever walk away from her for real... .I keep saying one day she won't come back... .yet knowing what I know ... .knowing how she sees me and what I mean to her - I can't help but think... .how COULD she walk away from love when its the strongest love she's known? 

I just don't know... .very weak moment here... .

[eeyore]

Taylor Swift:  We are never ever getting back together.   bauers you are doing ok... just keep taking care of yourself.

[Fatherof1]

And I know this... .which adds to how endearing she is to me... .I DO love her - there is no doubt.  When she is open she is the most beautiful soul... .Which turns into something else... .so dark and cold - not the person I know and love.  In that moment she just cannot find the empathy I know she is capable of.

Which makes me wonder if I will ever walk away from her for real... .I keep saying one day she won't come back... .yet knowing what I know ... .knowing how she sees me and what I mean to her - I can't help but think... .how COULD she walk away from love when its the strongest love she's known? 

I just don't know... .very weak moment here... .[/quote]