Setback. Just need some moral support.

[snappafcw]

Hi guys you are probably so sick of seeing my posts by now... .

Venting here is really my only outlet. I dont have any close family I can lean on and this community is really the only place i can get empathy and compassion. I had a gig tonight that didn't go so well and I really wanted someone to lean on but I had nobody... .So in this situation of course I found myself missing my ex and hoping she was there ect... .Also made me tempted to check what she was up to (although i resisted) I'm just venting I guess Im not feeling very well right now. I just wonder how anyone else without a massive support network handles little setbacks because i dont have any love in my life.

[desperatehubby]

hi snappafcw

I wish I was out doing gigs... .instead on a Sat night I'm sat in watching rubbish tv trying not to drink... .I have some family close but my mates are all settled down... .i don't have any advice for you because i'm not handling anything well at the moment, but just wanted to say hi

[Learning_curve74]

Hey snappafcw! Big hug to you because you deserve one!  

I know how you feel. I probably spend entirely too much time online here but it's only because you all understand it so well. Helps me not to feel alone. Intellectually I know my friends care deeply about me, but right now sharing with other people here is comforting. Easier to vent to people who have been in the same situations!

You said that you had a gig that didn't go so well, are you a musician? Does it help to woodshed/practice more at times like this? What things are you usually passionate about?

[snappafcw]

I'm a professional nightclub DJ and popular in my local area. I did a gig out of town that didn't go so well and I'm beating myself up. I thought i played pretty well but I didn't get the reaction I wanted I guess... .I practice lots and Gig 4 nights a week but I work 7 days a week because I have an online shop as well so keeping busy and pushing myself isn't the issue. I just dont have anyone to turn to for comfort it sucks. Blessings to all of you who are still struggling I hope tomorrow is a brighter day.

[snappafcw]

I really feel like i'm going to break down. I know I have short comings and I have been addressing my rescuer people pleaser issues but i really hate feeling like this.

[Ironmanrises]

Snap,

This is my only place of solace too.

I can relate.

Keep posting on here.

We are here for you.

Hang in there buddy.

[musicfan42]

Post as much as you like snappafcw... that's why this forum is here... for support   

You say that you know you have shortcomings... well we all do... no one is perfect. Perfection is boring anyways-I really don't see why it's seen as such a good thing. I can understand wanting to aim for excellence/wanting to do your best but perfection is an illusion. Just give yourself a break! Give yourself some self-compassion

It's great that you've been dealing with your rescuer/people pleasing issues however that's all tough stuff to deal with so it's only natural to feel crap at times about it. I was in therapy and I came out each week feeling awful... my legs would just shake/feel like jelly and I'd practically run away from the therapy session... well, not run per se but definitely walk briskly out the door .

I can understand why you hate feeling the way you do. It's hard to withstand/tolerate that feeling of vulnerability. It is very scary... .when I look back on it, I think I was literally trying to run away from my own sense of vulnerability as well as the therapy session itself. Your feelings are okay and totally normal.

I found it hard to not think about my issues during the week and I asked my therapist for advice on this. She said to imagine putting my issues in a box and closing the box. I was free to open the box when I wanted to again i.e. at the next therapy session. It was just a way of putting the issues to one side for a while and being able to get on with my life without feeling overwhelmed by all my emotional baggage.

It's a shame that your gig didn't go well. Some crowds are just tougher than others. I'm not a musician myself however I notice that musicians often say how they love playing in certain places... that they get a better audience/crowd response in certain places than others.

It's really just a numbers game... you said that you play 4 gigs a week... well in that case, 3 gigs went well this week so you have a 75% success rate which is pretty awesome by anyone's standards. That's the way you have to look at it... some crowds are just sh1t... not your fault. Just tell yourself that the next gig will be awesome and psych yourself up again. Positive self-talk and affirmations are good for this kind of thing

[fiddlestix]

Hang in Snapp! I am struggling today as well.  I share your suffering. My ex dBPDw continues to cause me grief.  Yet, it is so difficult to let go... .even though she is so toxic.  I am lucky to have many good friends.  But a lot of this healing work is brutally lonely anyway.  As dysfunctional as it was, there is an empty hole where that one person dwelled.

Fiddlestix

[Octoberfest]

Guys,

Be kind to yourselves.

It has helped me to try and frame my BPD relationship and the aftermath in a more positive light... .it was a huge trauma.  It was a huge challenge.  It was a test of everything I thought I knew about the world.  It was hell, it nearly broke me, but here I am, still standing after it.  That IS NOT something to be ashamed of.  It is something to be PROUD of.  By leaving, by choosing to stop sticking our hand in the fire, we have OVERCOME.  This is not to suggest that those who stay are weak or still lost or what have you; some of these relationships can be salvaged, and some just can't.  It has little to nothing to do with our capabilities as NON's, and has lots to do with how capable the pwBPD is of adult love and behavior.  Be proud that we are still standing after what we have gone through.  It has been no small thing for any of us.

[snappafcw]

Thanks everyone for their kind words I had some sleep and I'm feeling a little bit better. I am lucky all you people are here I just wish I had someone away from Cyberspace to turn to when I have a tough night

[Learning_curve74]

Glad to hear you're feeling better snappafcw! 

I think musicfan42 hit the nail on the head about wanting "perfection". We sometimes make it hard on ourselves that way, and maybe that trait even made us more susceptible to falling for pwBPD.

Anyhow, It's amazing what a little sleep can do. I know that I've had disturbed sleeping patterns for a while now, sleeping an hour then waking up and later maybe getting a couple hours. I'm getting pretty burnt and crispy myself.

I do have friends to turn to but sometimes I still feel alone. Intellectually, I know that it'll take time to bounce back. It is what it is. Best wishes to you, snappafcw! 

[Clearmind]

snapp, when I felt you did I remind myself of 3 things that he would do that would leave me completely invalidated.

There are reasons why we turn to a disordered for the validation that they could never provide us. If I had a bad day the last person who could support me would be my ex - think of other people who care for you rather than lamenting - when your already down and out about a person who can no longer provide you with support than they can provide themselves.

[eeyore]

If I had a bad day the last person who could support me would be my ex - think of other people who care for you rather than lamenting - when your already down and out about a person who can no longer provide you with support than they can provide themselves.

Please rephrase?  I understood all until - when.

[Clearmind]

  Its late in Australia!

If I had a bad day the last person who could support me would be my ex - think of other people who care for you rather than lamenting - when your already down and out about a person who can no longer provide you with support than they can provide themselves.

Please rephrase?  I understood all until - when.

When we are already feeling low our ex's could never provide us with the support we need - they cannot even support themselves.

[snappafcw]

My walls are just up so high now its an issue.

[blurry]

I personally have a diffucult time separating the person from the disorder. I know my friends and family are clueless. 99% of them anyway, you say "borderline" and they think "bipolar" or they think she's just a bad person. Most of the time for me, venting to family or friends is pointless anyway because they just don't get it.

Hang in there Snap, its cliche, but the only way to think about it is that time heals all wounds. I know that trivializes the whole thing but its the only way. I was close once, practcally done with this about 7 months ago, and I know if I didn't give her one more chance (ended up being 3 or 4 more) back then, that I would of been free and clear of her by now.

Lets face it, if someone hurts you over and over, who cares why really, if it makes life impossible to live even close to healthy, it can't continue that way.

Before we knew about BPD, we lacked closure because they'd leave with no logical reason. Now we know, we know the reason, still hurts but BPD is our closure. At least here its people that know the pain and confusion.