Sent my ex a friendly text Tuesday the 17th.

[LoneWolf768]

I unblocked my ex on Facebook for a couple days and this past Tuesday saw that a pic of us taken last year and posted last November was taken down and removed from her Profile Pictures folder. I sent her a text jokingly telling her I was wondering how she missed it all this time and while I also took the same pic off my page, I also archived it so I could have a fond memory of us and a reminder of one of the few moments I actually mattered to her

I didn't nor do I expect a response from her but I admit that seeing the pic of us on her page all this time (our relationship has been over since March 2013, maybe longer) gave me some kind of peace and hope that I was still in her heart to some degree. I told  her not to make some huge issue out of me contracting her and I wouldn't be contacting but if life was getting to her and she needed someone to talk to, she now has my new # and she is free to contact me and I'd be there for her and if I didn't hear from her then I'll know she still hates me. I wished her well and that was that. Now, this is the same women who threatened me back in July asking me to leave her and her friends alone (it was only one friend who willingly communicated with me - willingly being the operative word) so I'm a little concerned something from the magistrate in her part of town will be coming in the mail. I really don't think a harmless text after 2 months is anything the magistrate will see as breaking any law and even though she threatened me back in July I wasn't even trying to contact her then. I believe it was more to do with her friend talking to me willingly and exposing some of my ex's lies and her behavior with this friends estranged husband (earlier posts explain that whole situation) and quite honestly this 'friend' had some less than flattering things to say about my ex. Some friend, huh? Anyway, I'm open to anyone's comments and/or suggestions about me breaking NC and any repercussions. Hope you're all doing well!

[Octoberfest]

Hi lonewolf,

What is your goal here? What motivated you to unblock and contact your ex?

[LoneWolf768]

Curiosity more than anything, October. We all know BPDers have issues with abandonment and I thought if I put it out there that she can reach out to me if she needs someone to talk to I wouldn't turn my back on her. I remember how freaked out she would get when I'd change my number. I'm not trying to earn brownie points here; I just don't believe in betrayal. I'm fiercely loyal to those in my life and those I care about. And I still care about her. I most likely always will.

[Octoberfest]

I think it may be helpful for you to consider re-framing your definition of betrayal... .I sense you might be causing yourself some grief that you need not be. I can tell you that I was/am on the EXACT same page as you concerning loyalty and betrayal.  And also that THAT specifically was a huge factor in my staying for as long as I did (long being a whopping 9 months, but also constituting some real fu*ked up cheating and lying involving best friends, fraternity brothers, dating 3 people at once, etc). I had the exact same though process- she has been abandoned her whole life, I am going to be the one who is different. In describing what happened to people I often tell them, "I am loyal to a fault". I gave someone, who I owed NOTHING too, FAR too many chances.  Not because she made honest mistakes, but for reasons that had to do with my own desire to not be alone like I have been for most of my life. At this point, I don't think my BPDex deserves to say that I "betrayed her" or "abandoned her".  I was there time and time again, as most of us on this board were.  They DROVE us away.  I am all for taking responsibility for your actions and accountability... .that said, for too long I took the blame for what my BPDex did. I beat myself up for things I had no power over, and I am kind of sick of it.  In most situations, I know in mine at least, I didn't leave my BPDex (read: betray;abandon) to trade up for someone better. I haven't been with anyone since.  I did it because her behavior was literally toxic to me.  I was suffering.  Would you fault yourself, say you abandoned something, if you stopped putting your hand on a hot stove? When there were plenty of people lined up behind you who were ready and willing to put their hands on that stove until, they too found out that it hurts? 

Food for thought.

[LoneWolf768]

October:

She forgot about me months ago. My text to her might as well have been a text from a complete stranger or a wrong number. I, too, have basically taken what amounts to be ALL the blame with how things shook out between us because she refused and will most likely always refuse to acknowledge her part in the demise of our relationship. She essentially told me I was why it didn't work between us. In all honesty, we always seemed to have these fights that started out as disagreements that eventually snowballed into these verbal sparring matches that included personal attacks, past issues and name calling. In my defense, my hands were tied with her marriage and living situation, her lack of effort, her insecurity, jealousy, controlling nature (she pretty much dictated the contact schedule - which meant she would text me when it was convenient for her and rarely would call) and inability to know how to and/or want to talk out issues (it's rather difficult to text out issues but she didn't see it that way). When I sensed what she had been doing for almost 3 months after I last saw her, I lashed out at her. I put up with all I could put up with and I finally exploded. The way I saw it was if she was going to be that cut throat and abusive to me I didn't see the need to roll over and not defend myself. Wrote things I felt at the time, which included the descriptions above as well as me telling her all I was to her was her FWB, calling her sick and telling her she had characteristics of borderline personality disorder.

The above characteristics, minus having BPD but being sick, are the same things she told her 'friend' about me plus she used me being diagnosed with bi-polar depression (a misdiagnosis as I suffer from just depression), which infuriated me that she would use the same things I said about her against me and something so personal. This was the first time I'd ever experienced someone doing this. I learned 'projection' the hard way... .as we all have. 

When people talk about being devalued by their ex BPDer, it usually comes out of nowhere and leaves the victim confused and seriously hurt. In my case, I'm sure her devaluing me was justified although I'd been devalued LONG before my retaliating in my humble opinion.

What I didn't count on was feeling so guilt-ridden and shameful over the things I wrote to her. I figured if she didn't have any concerns over my feelings, I shouldn't have any about hers. I thought I knew myself better than that. I KNOW for a fact she has no regrets about what she said but PLENTY of regrets regarding being involved with me. This thing was a powder keg from the get go and I never stood a chance, no matter how much I tried to put on a happy face.

She lied about everything under the sun from loving me since the day we met in 2009 to introducing me to her family; she fabricated stories; she controlled me with the communication schedule and certain women in my life; she was never going to divorce her husband. She sees him as the rock because as she puts it, 'knows everything about me' but they've been emotionally unattached since 2004. Since 2009, I've known her to have a part time job but quit/was fired due to, as she puts it, 'not having the luxury of either her mother-in-law or her own mother to watch her daughter while she's sick'. She doesn't drive and is either an alcoholic or close to one.

Most men would either run or view a women like that as a booty call. I knew her situation and looked past it. I saw this woman as a woman I fell for and wanted to see that she wasn't getting the short end of the proverbial stick anymore. Whatever it was we had ended very, very badly. People were pulled into it that should not have been. Words were used like daggers. There will be no second act, no contact from her and why I'm putting myself out there for her, in the event she suddenly becomes isolated and needs someone to calm her down, is mind boggling because this woman isn't normal. I'm not even sure the woman I fell for was real or an illusion. I remember when we first met in 2009 she love bombed me, called me her soul mate, said we had so much in common... .typical stuff. She also did this to her 'friend's estranged husband. Then did it to me again in 2012. And for what? Don't these people have their own identity? Do they ever really get to know who they REALLY are? So any type of second chances is out the window and wont ever happen again.

I'm not counting on my ex to contact me for any reason. She never will. She has no reason to - not even to start chaos. I have nothing to bring to her life but would rather kick myself for helping her than worry about her well-being if I don't. That includes taking her calls and possibly taking her home if she were stranded somewhere. While I'm 100% certain I'll never, ever hear from her again, my loyalty to those I care about is still intact. It isn't to prove anything to her but to prove to me I can rise above. I know she won't. I know she can't. I just have to try and accept it like I have been for the past 5 months.

[Ironmanrises]

Try and stay NC.

Don't send her anymore texts.

NC doesn't cure this... .

But it helps with giving you the buffer to self heal.

[Octoberfest]

October:

She forgot about me months ago. My text to her might as well have been a text from a complete stranger or a wrong number. I, too, have basically taken what amounts to be ALL the blame with how things shook out between us because she refused and will most likely always refuse to acknowledge her part in the demise of our relationship. She essentially told me I was why it didn't work between us. In all honesty, we always seemed to have these fights that started out as disagreements that eventually snowballed into these verbal sparring matches that included personal attacks, past issues and name calling. In my defense, my hands were tied with her marriage and living situation, her lack of effort, her insecurity, jealousy, controlling nature (she pretty much dictated the contact schedule - which meant she would text me when it was convenient for her and rarely would call) and inability to know how to and/or want to talk out issues (it's rather difficult to text out issues but she didn't see it that way). When I sensed what she had been doing for almost 3 months after I last saw her, I lashed out at her. I put up with all I could put up with and I finally exploded. The way I saw it was if she was going to be that cut throat and abusive to me I didn't see the need to roll over and not defend myself. Wrote things I felt at the time, which included the descriptions above as well as me telling her all I was to her was her FWB, calling her sick and telling her she had characteristics of borderline personality disorder.

The above characteristics, minus having BPD but being sick, are the same things she told her 'friend' about me plus she used me being diagnosed with bi-polar depression (a misdiagnosis as I suffer from just depression), which infuriated me that she would use the same things I said about her against me and something so personal. This was the first time I'd ever experienced someone doing this. I learned 'projection' the hard way... .as we all have.  

When people talk about being devalued by their ex BPDer, it usually comes out of nowhere and leaves the victim confused and seriously hurt. In my case, I'm sure her devaluing me was justified although I'd been devalued LONG before my retaliating in my humble opinion.

What I didn't count on was feeling so guilt-ridden and shameful over the things I wrote to her. I figured if she didn't have any concerns over my feelings, I shouldn't have any about hers. I thought I knew myself better than that. I KNOW for a fact she has no regrets about what she said but PLENTY of regrets regarding being involved with me. This thing was a powder keg from the get go and I never stood a chance, no matter how much I tried to put on a happy face.

She lied about everything under the sun from loving me since the day we met in 2009 to introducing me to her family; she fabricated stories; she controlled me with the communication schedule and certain women in my life; she was never going to divorce her husband. She sees him as the rock because as she puts it, 'knows everything about me' but they've been emotionally unattached since 2004. Since 2009, I've known her to have a part time job but quit/was fired due to, as she puts it, 'not having the luxury of either her mother-in-law or her own mother to watch her daughter while she's sick'. She doesn't drive and is either an alcoholic or close to one.

Most men would either run or view a women like that as a booty call. I knew her situation and looked past it. I saw this woman as a woman I fell for and wanted to see that she wasn't getting the short end of the proverbial stick anymore. Whatever it was we had ended very, very badly. People were pulled into it that should not have been. Words were used like daggers. There will be no second act, no contact from her and why I'm putting myself out there for her, in the event she suddenly becomes isolated and needs someone to calm her down, is mind boggling because this woman isn't normal. I'm not even sure the woman I fell for was real or an illusion. I remember when we first met in 2009 she love bombed me, called me her soul mate, said we had so much in common... .typical stuff. She also did this to her 'friend's estranged husband. Then did it to me again in 2012. And for what? Don't these people have their own identity? Do they ever really get to know who they REALLY are? So any type of second chances is out the window and wont ever happen again.

I'm not counting on my ex to contact me for any reason. She never will. She has no reason to - not even to start chaos. I have nothing to bring to her life but would rather kick myself for helping her than worry about her well-being if I don't. That includes taking her calls and possibly taking her home if she were stranded somewhere. While I'm 100% certain I'll never, ever hear from her again, my loyalty to those I care about is still intact. It isn't to prove anything to her but to prove to me I can rise above. I know she won't. I know she can't. I just have to try and accept it like I have been for the past 5 months.

I can sympathize with you about your relationship being a powder keg... .My relationship had a snowballs chance in hell of being a happy one and a successful one even before it started.  It didn't matter if I had done everything right and had made no mistakes (and I certainly did, albeit minor ones compared to her); she was still involved with her boyfriend in her hometown when she moved to my town and we got involved.  She started our relationship as cheating, and I had no idea.  There were so many forces in play that I had NO concept of.  I couldn't even begin to understand them or even see them, being as this was my first relationship and the first time I ever got emotionally attached to someone.  It was bizarre... .A month in, I already knew that this was not a girl I wanted to marry.  But god damned if I didn't hang on for as long as I could and suffer another 8 months of abuse.  That fact lead me to have to admit to myself that there were some things on my end I needed to address and examine. The second bit of your post that I bolded speaks the same thing to me about your situation... .it is incredible how we can find ourselves doing things for these people, suffering through their abuse, coming back for more, continually reaching out, etc. when if we were to see our friends doing the same thing, our minds would explode because we couldn't fathom why they would do such a thing.  But when it is us in that situation, we find ways to rationalize it and justify it and keep doing it.  

I had fierce loyalty for my best friend.  I became good friends with his girlfriend at the time, and we hung out more and more.  It came to a point where she "fell" for me... .her boyfriends best friend.  I didn't know it at the time, but I had a funny feeling.  And arguably out of the blue I told her "Hey so... .this is probably totally unnecessary, but I feel like I need to say it... .Nothing could ever happen between you and I.  Not now, not ever.  You are dating my best friend... .no matter what happens, he has to come first.  There is no you and me... .its you, <best friend>, me.

Less than a month later, when I was in a fight/split with my BPDex for a weekend and my best friend got in a fight/split with his gf, my best friend and my BPDex made out in a car together.  And he didn't even have the balls to tell me.  I found out months after the fact from her. I also found out, that same night, that she had sex with a very close friend of mine right around the same time during another time we were fighting.  He didn't tell me either.  Talk about anguish... .The 3 people that I would do anything for, that my loyalty knew no bounds for, had betrayed me in the worst way.  

Now? I blocked my BPDex's number months ago and have had NC for over 2 months.  I deleted both friends' numbers and havent talked to the best friend in months.  I see the former close friend here and there but I never talk to him outside when I have to.  I am more careful about who I give my loyalty to... .it doesn't have to be a free, thankless commodity.  Now I give it to people who deserve it.


Edit: I forgot to address the last bolded point

No, they really don't have any idea who they are.  My BPDex dates guys from all spectrums of life.  And she picks up on their likes and dislikes and hobbies as she goes.  She is like a chameleon.  It is how they survive... .They have a vast emptiness within themselves.  So they try to fill it, often with self destructive behaviors like drinking, drugs, self harm, and promiscuity.  My BPDex is, by most any ones standards, a huge slut.  She has slept with 30+ men by the age of 22.  Not because she likes sex that much.  Not because she likes being labeled a slut.  But because she is constantly trying to fill the emptiness within her.  And the need is so great that only the immediate, the here and now, is important.  She has no sight of the long term implications of her actions.  It is TRULY a sad way to live life, and she sure didn't ask to do it this way.  More and more I think about her from time to time and just get a little sad that she continues to engage in the same behaviors that have brought her so much grief her entire life.  I wish that all of the demons that chase her and most likely always will chase her would go away and that she could live a normal, happy life.  But I fear she will always struggle.  And for that I truly am sad.  I know that as you process this loss it is hard to be "happy that we aren't them".  Or that "the pain is only temporary, theirs is forever".  We can listen to people tell us that, but it doesn't make it hurt any less.  As you process more and more you will come to see that both those statements are true... .It gets better for us.  It very, very rarely gets better for them.

[Clearmind]

I'm wondering if it is passive aggressive attempt at contact disguised as a "friendly text".

If you could retitle the thread what would it say?