He's unraveling

[momtara]

My STBXh is unraveling so much that I think I post a new thing here every day.  Today he had custody of our kids and called me and claimed one of them was sick, what should he do, should he go to ER, etc.  He is an hour away from me, so it's a bit scary.  He used to falsely claim our baby daughter was sick during our marriage, and I'd run into the room and she'd be playing and happy.  I can't tell if he really imagines she's sick or if he knows he is lying - like with a lot of things, there's no way to tell.  But he is on a lying streak. 

I am scared I will always have to worry about this while he has visitation, and never know whether the kid(s) are really sick or not.  He seems to do this more with our young daughter, who is a toddler.

We already have a custody order where he only sees the kids for a few overnights a month.  I am concerned that with this forgetting/imagining of stuff, he could give them a dose of medicine twice, or something else.  Intentionally or accidentally.

My lawyer is beginning to think he shouldn't have unsupervised parenting time.  But I don't want to storm into court over stuff I can't really prove.  What else can I do?  Retain a really expensive psychologist and put in the divorce settlement that we both have to be evaluated?  What if he gets crazier by the day?

I want to protect my kids, but I don't want to do anything that backfires on me.

[sanemom]

Are your kids old enough for counseling?  You said toddlers--is one of them almost four maybe?  If so, I would get them into a counselor, let the counselor monitor the situation, and go from there.  That would give you the documentation as to how it is for the kids in the situation, and if it is causing issues for them, the counselor can both help the kids through this and can help you help them.  Also, if it concerns the counselor, then you have even more documentation that it is not a good situation.

[momtara]

No, they are both under 4, but that's an idea - it'd be good to have someone else monitoring the situation.

[Cmjo]

Hi Momtara

I realise you are going through daily anxiety over your ex and your kids, i am in Europe but I think in the States it is so much more acceptable to have counsellors monitoring the situation, but I am sure my kids would be traumatised by the thought of that, maybe because we have always been a private family anyway and thy would not used to opening up to strangers, but maybe if you get them used to therapy when very young it will be a support they will grow up with, and they will have a lot of getting usd to with their dads behaviour. He is clearly seeking attention calling you about illness. True or not.  At least its only a few overnights a month. Difficult though. Doesnt like you could persuade a judge to take away overnights, but omonitor how they go for a while and see how your kids behave for the day after they come back from him.

[DreamGirl]

The little ones are so hard. 

How about your own counselor?

I was a wreck during my own custody dispute. Lots of fear. Lots of worry. Lots of stress. Lots of uncertainty. It's not always best to make decisions (strategic or otherwise) when we are all caught up in our own emotions.

It really helped me keep in a more grounded place when I had a professional involved.

[thinkingthinking]

Your statement of "fear of backfiring" rings so true. 

Although my lawyer told me he had experience and knowledge of BPD and how to handle it, I just have not felt 100% confident of that.  In addition, my exBPDx can turn on the charm with others at a moment's notice.  Saving texts and emails is all I feel like I can do. 

What do you think your STBxh would do if you asked to have more custody taken away?  Would he be upset, or on some level would he be relieved?

[sanemom]

Perhaps with ones so little, you could go into family counseling and get strategies as to how to build resilience in them with this situation.  Then a therapist CAN see them at times, but will mainly be working with you and how to help you to help them.

[momtara]

Thanks for all of your comments.  He has also done things to get back at me when angry, so this is more than just him being fearful.  He has capacity for revenge.  What precipitated the divorce was a night of terror in which he falsely claimed I abused our older child (who is still too young to talk much), and kept putting our infant on the edge of a high bed to scare me, and then in the middle of the floor.  Who does that to a baby?  So during those periods he didn't seem to be expressing any love for the kids or interest in their well being.  Months later, he explained to me that he was afraid I would take them away, and that's why he did that on that night.  Typical BPD thinking because it *drove* me to take them away.  But if that's how he thinks, what next?  He may be one of those guys who thinks the kids are better off dead than seeing our pain.

Most of the time, he does love the kids, or at least act like it.  From his perspective, he is losing his two babies -- his entire family -- and is powerless to stop it.  He went from seeing them every day to only once in a while.  

OK:  I just had a consultation with a new lawyer and now I'm even more confused.  She said if I think they're in danger being alone with him, I should file a motion for a custody evaluation, psych eval, etc.  There is the risk of the evaluators giving him MORE time, but at least I'd feel like I did what I had to.  Maybe I need to follow the process of filing a motion for supervised visits and see what happens.  (Or am I risking a good thing, since he rarely has them right now?)

If I go into court, it will make things ugly.  

This morning, I talked to someone who works with foster children locally and she said I might be better off just seeing how things go and hoping he gets less involved over time (which he likely will).   But this seems like the whole walking on eggshells I have done all my life.

I have to figure out if it's worth it.  I am asking various experts if generally I have a shot at supervised visitation, or if that's only granted to extreme nutcases.

The bottom line is that I think there IS a chance he could hurt the kids someday - maybe when I ask for child support, maybe when the divorce is final.  On the other hand, not seeing their father because of my fears hurts them.

I keep returning to the same conclusion, which is, I just want to know if the things he's done in the past hint that he may be dangerous to the kids in the future.  Since he likes getting revenge on me, I think it's a possibility - but how big a leap is it from putting a baby on the edge of a bed, and killing her to get back at me someday?  Who knows?  The divorce still isn't final, so I don't know how bad things can get.

[Free One]

What would happen if you called him on it? Said, "Ok... .child is sick, I will meet you at ER in X number of minutes?"

Either he wouldn't follow through and you would have documentation of him being concerned, but not doing anything OR he does follow through and you have a doctor saying it wasn't needed.

[momtara]

Well, he was over an hour from me.  Clearly he was trying to get me to tell him to bring her in, so he could say it was my idea.  I didn't bite.

What do you think of the bigger picture?  Would you go to court over this?  I am kinda terrified of court, considering you just never know what can happen.

[Free One]

I think you if you are concerned to the point of wanting supervised visits, you will need to talk to your lawyer about a GAL and mental assessments. I would do all of this BEFORE the divorce is final. It may mean court, but from my experience, it will be easier to deal with now rather than later, and chances are if you don't address it now, it will come up again.

[Forward2free]

I am in court next week and was reading some judgements online and I thought this order may be useful for you:

"Without prejudice, the father is restrained from administering any prescription medication to either child, other than substances which have been specifically

prescribed for that child by a medical practitioner."

[momtara]

So useful to see that kind of language!  Thanks.

[david]

Instead of meeting him at the hospital if he does this again just say that he should bring the child to you and you can take care of it. Of course, you need to say this without triggering him. If you can say it in such a way to have him think you agree (that may be too strong a word) with his delusion he may bite.

I talked to my ex years ago like she was a little child and she responded in kind. I felt guilty the first time I did it. It didn't feel right to talk to her in such a demeaning manner.  I was seeing a T at the time and she pointed out that I was able to help our one boy and ex did the right thing.

The first time I did this she called and left a voicemail saying she would drop the boys off about two hours late. I was in the basement and my phone was upstairs. A few minutes later I went up and listened to the voicemail. I called back and as soon as she started to talk I interrupted and said in a very stern voice, "Now listen here young lady, you better get those boys back on time or you will be in biiiiiig trouble. Do you understand me ?" She hung up and the boys were at the house in under ten minutes.  I don't even talk to our kids like that. Communication with my ex is always a challenge but when I "get" what is going on in here head (at least sometimes I think I do) I am able to accomplish things.

[momtara]

Kind of interesting.  Hmmmm.  Thanks - that's a new perspective!