Update From December 2012

[Oberon]

I tried to revive my old post but the site suggested I start a new thread so here it is!

2 years ago I met a BPD girl (now 26) named "Mary" on campus when I went back to school to finish my degree. I pretty much had her pegged as BPD on sight but she got through my defenses over time. I deiced to not judge her and give her a chance last autumn (2012) and that quickly led to insanity! So I blocked her and it left me feeling really guilty. I figured I should have just ignored her or something.

Well, almost a year has passed since then and my blocking her did absolutely nothing to put her off. After many months of receiving Instant Messages whenever I checked my email, I decided to respond one day. It's been about 2 months since then and things have not turned out as I originally feared.

#1. I realized that she is not really interested in getting me in her sizable harem of male "friends", the guys who sleep on her couch and drive her to the hospital when she's having a weird health emergency etc. I decided to just call her bluff and say "Yes" to everything she suggests. I even gave her my new phone number. So far, after many, many invitations from her, she has cancelled every time we were supposed to get together and has never actually called!

#2. Google IM is the only association we have and having that perimeter has kept things much more sane than before. There are details she knows not to share with me. Without physical contact there's no flirtation, so it's become as close to normal "friendly" as possible.

#3. I've gotten to know her better and she really is a very well meaning, loving 14 year old girl trapped in the body of a BPD woman. I mostly just "listen" and encourage her when she's tempted to do self destructive things. Like, she was having a bad month financially (she's a model) and she was offered $10,000.00 to do a porn. I supported her inclination to not do that kind of work, which I imagine would only aggravate her self identity problems, and some normal modeling work came through before the end of the month. She seemed genuinely appreciative of the support since her other male friends were apparently in favor of it.

My feeling is that she really doesn't want me in her "intimate circle" so there's really no danger of being "sucked in". We live about 90 minutes apart from each other and we're both often hard up for cash so getting together is inconvenient. She's invited me over to her place several times but always cancels (again, I just say "Yes" every time, knowing that she'll probably cancel). We do have a lot of interests in common and talking to her can be nice sometimes.

Anyway, I think we've struck a nice balance and I'm less fearful of the kind of problems she has.

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[Inside]

Oberon, for me, that was an introduction, and I appreciate it.  My thoughts come from the perspective of having been with and recycled by a 46 year old uBPD woman.  It’s interesting (to me) that you described her “sizable harem of male friends.”  Mine has the same, and I doubt that changes.  Their fear of rejection and abandonment likely causes them to maintain a constant ‘supply.’  And, it’s far easier to attract the opposite sex with flirtatious behavior than same-gendered friends - which expect a full and balanced relationship in return.

It’s also interesting how most of her plans never work out.  Same here.  Mine (if not all pwBPD) is so impulsive she’ll say ‘Yes!’ to about anything … which has definitely led to problems and remains one of my biggest concerns.  But, when it comes to fulfilling her ‘promise,’ she’s always got a last minute excuse for not.  I don’t mind when it’s something she’s impulsively agreed to with ‘a friend,’ but when it’s something ‘we’ve’ committed to, that stings.  

I’m left wondering where things might go for you... ?  “Fourteen year old girls” have an energetic allure …where everything is seemingly new.  But have they the judgment to decide when to marry, or have children, or make a career move, and how to filter out the bad or dangerous elements of life?  If you’re not in a deep and committed relationship, would you like her in ‘your stable’ of female friends when you finally commit to a ... real woman?  Would she then bow out of your life if necessary, or cling -- as they’re known to do, if not constantly vying for your attention …assuming she’d ‘lost you’ to another woman... ?

Mine had children at an early age, by two fathers.  Can you envision being the father of her child/ren?  …if so, peek down a couple of categories and read some about how that works…  Because, she’s going to be jealous when female friends begin having babies and will likely, if impulsively, have one too.  

From all I’ve learned and experienced, they don’t change, they only get older … very slowly…  I love ‘mine.’  She’s seeking counseling and showing slow improvement.  Though maintaining her ‘harem of guy friends,’ they’re simply her audience.  If she were sleeping with any - I’d be gone for good - period  As is, and having nearly finished raising my children (alone), I enjoy her company, too.  Keep in mind, they’re nearly impossible to live with – and without

And after what seems like countless recycles …we just keep on gravitating toward each other …and seem to have stopped fighting it … with an agreed upon goal of making it work.  

My advice?  Seek normal.  You don’t want BPD in your gene pool…  As far as distancing yourself further …I’m likely of no help there – I can’t even do that myself!  But the best thing going is you’ve found ‘this place.’  Armed with knowledge …and some sage advice beyond mine, you can at least stay a couple of steps ahead.  But be careful – especially if she’s ‘higher functioning,’ they’re sharp – and their hooks are sharper!  

[Oberon]

Oh, I have no plans on getting romantically involved with this person! But there's no Forum for friendships here, this was close as I could find.

I do realize that she can turn things around quickly, I'm being wary. But overall, if I just say "Yes" she's happy enough without ever following through. If we actually got together socially I'd suggest daylight/public place

[Inside]

Got it