now she knows what shes lost?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

at 26th day of n/c... .refusing to reply to her contact anyway. in the last two months ive cut the contact down from talking every day to refusing to reply to exBPDg/f. over the last 26 days she steped up her reaching out to me a little more every few day. three weeks ago her messages ended with ill not bother you anymore. two weeks ago they all ended with ill not bother you anymore if you dont want me to. last week she started leaving the part about bothering me out.

saturday she used one of her big guns... .emailed alot of stuff about her kids, im sure she was thinking that would get a reaction as she know how much i love her kids.

this moring she sent a simple one line email. (i know what i lost now, im sorry)

its left me confused and wanting to think maybe shes going to change/get help. thank GOD for this boared, i know i have to settel myself and clear my head. im almost sure i can keep myself from replying becouse as far as i know nothings really changed with her. im sure if it had she would have told me.

any advise today would be a blessing thank you all

[simplyasiam]

at 26th day of n/c... .refusing to reply to her contact anyway. in the last two months ive cut the contact down from talking every day to refusing to reply to exBPDg/f. over the last 26 days she steped up her reaching out to me a little more every few day. three weeks ago her messages ended with ill not bother you anymore. two weeks ago they all ended with ill not bother you anymore if you dont want me to. last week she started leaving the part about bothering me out.

saturday she used one of her big guns... .emailed alot of stuff about her kids, im sure she was thinking that would get a reaction as she know how much i love her kids.

this moring she sent a simple one line email. (i know what i lost now, im sorry)

its left me confused and wanting to think maybe shes going to change/get help. thank GOD for this boared, i know i have to settel myself and clear my head. im almost sure i can keep myself from replying becouse as far as i know nothings really changed with her. im sure if it had she would have told me.

any advise today would be a blessing thank you all

[heartandwhole]

Hi simplyasiam,

Receiving messages like that makes detachment doubly hard, so I commend you for staying strong.    Little by little, you are getting your strength back.  Acknowledging and working with our feelings is the first step in our healing, and it's a doozy!

Simply, unless your ex is actively working on her issues and has had substantial therapy, for an extended period of time, the chances of her changing are very, very slim.  I know that is hard to hear, but it has been the experience of the majority of the members on this board.

Keep focusing on your own recovery.  Her suddenly and miraculously changing isn't the answer.  If that happened, either she, or you, probably wouldn't even be attracted to the other person.  

[cal644]

Things like that are the hardest.  I was getting used to my exw rages, complaints, rants and raves - but then I get a text that bothered me more than anything in the last 6 months.  The text said "your next wife will be the luckiest woman in the world" What hurts is I know the next woman/wife in my life will be a very very lucky woman - but my ex decided to throw it all away - so why tell me this - she knows I will never let her back into my life becuase I have seen the real her, I know who she really is - did she send that because she can tell I'm moving on and she knows that her rants and rages don't affecct me anymore?

[Reg]

Hi simplyasiam,

I would like to confirm what was said by heartandwhole.

I did run into the same trap myself in the past.  When nothing worked anymore my ex partner even used her own daughter, via manipulation, to contact me, as she knew how important my stepdaughter was as well to me.

However reality is, it is nothing else then a recycle.  Heartandwhole said it in a way, but someone with BPD is never going to change, unless they realise their problem and step into a very active and motivated recovery.  And it will take time before one sees the first results.

She may know what she's lost, (to have her needs fulfilled, not the same kind of love we experience) but that can change within an hour, a day, a week... . The borderline behavior will always take control over her, no matter what.  :)on't forget that  

Don't run into the trap that she may get help as well.  Mine tried the same road with me, and within days she had changed her mind.  Fortunately I was strong enough by that moment not to go into a relationship again, it was just one out of 4 friendly talks without result on borderline and the future.

I told her at the end that if she wanted to be friends she had to go in therapy. The result was very predictable, NO !

You are doing the right thing with keeping the focuss indeed on your own recovery.

Hang in there !  You can do it !

Reg

[Ironmanrises]

My exUBPDgf told me a similar line when she cane back to me after leaving me the first time.

End result?

She left again.

Dont fall for it.

She will forget she told you that.

And she will hurt you again.

Stay strong.

[Learning_curve74]

Even the most hardcore addict can have a moment of clarity to admit that their addiction is harmful to themselves and their loved ones. However, just because they utter the words doesn't mean anything has changed. If words were powerful enough to change anything, then none of us would be here taking about our BPDexes, would we?

I know it pulls at my heartstrings to hear these kinds of words. This is where being in a state of nonattachment is so important. That way we can appreciate the sentiment without needing to react in return. That does NOT make us bad people! It only means our eyes are open to reality. And sometimes reality sucks. Hang in there.  

[blurry]

I've gotten those same lines from my ex after she, for little to no reason, broke it off in sept, nov, feb and twice in june. I she tells me one more time that she's never gonna leave me again and how now she knows what she threw away, I think ill lose my mind. Can't wait to see if she actually has the nerve to throw me those lines of bs again. Can't even imagine her deranged brain could think id possibly come back again. Meanwhile, I'm trying to imagine some circumstances where I actually can, when/if the time comes again. But I know words don't mean a thing with BPD, totally meaningless. Would have to see some real change, but I don't even know what exactly.

[Ironmanrises]

In my case... .

When she comes back again... .

(Once they come back once... .They come back again and again)... .

She will use the same line as before... .

Except insert an extra "sorry" and insert "again" at the end of same apology.

[fiddlestix]

Last spring, after a year apart, my diagnosed BPD ex wife wanted to try again.  Her "boyfriend" ended up in jail (long story) and she sought my comfort.  The regular texts began.  She said if I hold her hand she may never let go again, she still loved me and never took her wedding ring off, she wanted to sit in my lap, she needed "comfort,"  she felt "so dumb" for leaving before, she said I am "so cute."  Etc... .  This was a heroin injection for me.  Cautiously, I let her back into my heart.  MISTAKE!  With no explanation... .POOF!  She is in another man's bed.  Cold, heartless, impulsive... .   And I am slack-jawed wondering WHAT?

She recognized what she lost when she threw me on the dung heap... .but only for a fleeting moment.  Then she was off running again, chasing more validation from fresh victims. She is desperately holding onto her sexy looks (slutty, really) as she nears 50.  That "asset" will dry up soon.  How, then,will she feed her ego?  When she becomes that pathetic, "slutty old lady" trolling the bars evoking laughter (we've all seen them) how will she nourish her self esteem? 

I would laugh if this wasn't so sad.  This woman is the one I loved and cherished; she bore us three amazing children; she has a near-genius IQ, loves horses and pizza, plays the flute... .  She is a real human being NOT AN OBJECT like she is allowing herself to be.  Who knows, maybe her current dude is the "one." 

Fiddlestix