BPD "Fleas" - Flare ups in my marriage

[FemmeK]

My mother has BPD patterns. I have not been diagnosed with BPD and I don't quite fit the criteria but I do have some "fleas" that flare up from time to time in my marriage.

The main one is overwhelming rage when I feel invalidation or contempt. This pretty much only happens in my marriage.

What's tricky is that there are some legitimate concerns- my partner's lack of conscientiousness, eye-rolling, stonewalling, general contempt for the expression of strong emotion. Passive aggressive body language. Partner pulls away subtley with any strong emotion-- even positive effusive expressions of love.

These things really are happening. Unfortunately for my part, I tend to go into a blind rage. I get so angry/hurt that i cannot seem to back down. I cannot bring myself to leave the house to "cool off." It's like a physical compulsion to escalate the conflict, the more she pulls way from me. She'll roll her eyes and leave the room. I will follow her and keep trying to engage her.

Occasionally, I say things like "You are not a nice person," "F- You," or "You're cold and unloving."

Sounds very familiar: My mother had this pattern with my father.

I don't know what to do about it because it's not just me being crazy and distorted. My partner really is passive-aggressive and stonewalling. It doesn't start at this level of intensity-- it builds over a period of me feeling unloved or invalidated.

Would I eventualy have this dynamic with anyone I date or marry?

We have a child together and I want to do what's best. But I am truly miserable and this pattern has persisted on and off for the 10 years we have been together.

[Heartbroken Daughter]

Hi FemmeK,

I can relate I used to act the same way with my husband I've made a conscious effort to stop since I've become aware of it but for me it was easier because he is anything but passive aggressive. Anyway that still hasn't cured all of the issues I need to address as a result of growing up with my BPD mother so I'm still going to therapy to work through everything so that I don't punish myself or the people that are now in my life for my mothers actions. My advice would be if you love her start therapy and address your own issues then maybe once you've made some process and can better communicate yourself you can bring her to a session and talk out the communication issues you both have instead of arguing in circles. Goodluck