On the positive side - we have seen some changes for the better

[pessim-optimist]

Hi everyone,

Some of you may have read about our worries in another thread and they are still current, but I also wanted to share the positive changes that we have seen since my sd32 has renewed contact with us in the Spring. I was considering whether to post this or not, as I do not want this to look like bragging. Then I realized - let it be A THANKS TO ALL OF YOU - for all of you, that have helped us, and encouraged us, you deserve to hear, how you have helped, and how one of the many family situations on these boards was made better greatly THANKS TO YOUR SUPPORT!

First, her dad was able to establish a regular phone contact, and their r/s seems to be back on track. Then they (the whole family - her, husband & 3 kids) came for a visit in July and spent 3 days in town, one night at our place. It went well, I posted about that at the time. It was my first opportunity to see each other and talk to her since the breakdown. And due to the new understanding of what was going on with her and having the new tools to deal with it better, it was an over all success. (Better communication, no resentment).

Then we saw them at their place for a weekend at the end of the summer. By then I was kind of re-evaluating my experience in July - it was good, but like some here have mentioned, the communication felt shallow and generally superficial, and was mostly about her. It felt more like emotional care-taking rather than a r/s... .So, this visit, I did not expect much else.

However, it WAS different, after all. In the past (before the breakdown) we mostly got along, but I did not feel like we had any kind of connection (she was close to her dad, but it felt like she was just tolerating me, or needing me, but no real human connection) - the r/s felt very sterile. And I always loved her, but mostly did not like her. So, back to our last visit - there was a lot of interaction. The guys spent time together, and so, I spent quite a bit of time with her. She shared a lot, as usual, and as I validated her feelings throughout the conversations, and asked her questions, something very interesting started happening... .

We started making a real connection - FOR THE FIRST TIME! And even though it was a lot of the same as in July, it started feeling different - I felt really good afterward, and I believe she does too. We even started talking on the phone (up until now, it was only her dad on the phone). And the last time we talked, she ended it with "love you!"   It felt good.

I am being cautious, as there is so much instability in BPD behaviors, but I am being hopeful - the quallity of our r/s is definitely different and better now than ever before. So, we will have something to build on, if there are any breakdowns in the future... .

Thank you guys for always being there for me!   

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Such a good report  pessi-o!

I celebrate with you 


 

[Rapt Reader]

She shared a lot, as usual, and as I validated her feelings throughout the conversations, and asked her questions, something very interesting started happening... .

We started making a real connection - FOR THE FIRST TIME! And even though it was a lot of the same as in July, it started feeling different - I felt really good afterward, and I believe she does too. We even started talking on the phone (up until now, it was only her dad on the phone). And the last time we talked, she ended it with "love you!"   It felt good.

That is amazing! It's great to see the tools and techniques work! And, I bet it makes it easier to be compassionate, empathetic, and willing to use them again and again with all that positive reinforcement for you (which should only reinforce the positivity in the relationship)   

I am being cautious, as there is so much instability in BPD behaviors, but I am being hopeful - the quallity of our r/s is definitely different and better now than ever before. So, we will have something to build on, if there are any breakdowns in the future... .

And that's the thing... .maybe now any future skirmish can be headed off at the pass, or at least be made less severe. I'm so glad you told us this, pessi-o. This is such good news!

[Reality]

She shared a lot, as usual, and as I validated her feelings throughout the conversations, and asked her questions, something very interesting started happening... .

We started making a real connection - FOR THE FIRST TIME!

Sweet!  Just beautiful and sweet!

Reality

[six]

Thanks for sharing this news with us Pess-Op.  I am familiar with that dilemma about whether to share good things bec it feels like bragging, but I think it is a boost for all of us to hear that things can improve. 

In my case, it definitely feels like 2 steps forward, 1 step back, but I am trying to be grateful for the 2 steps forward part.

[Rapt Reader]

Thanks for sharing this news with us Pess-Op.  I am familiar with that dilemma about whether to share good things bec it feels like bragging, but I think it is a boost for all of us to hear that things can improve. 

In my case, it definitely feels like 2 steps forward, 1 step back, but I am trying to be grateful for the 2 steps forward part.

Oh, six... .Please know that sharing good things is so very helpful for everyone else. In our darkest days, knowing that someone else (who has been in the place that we are in now) has found respite and some sort of an answer, is encouragement and hope for us! When someone on this Board has success with the tools and techniques here, success with a change in attitude or understanding of our loved one, it encourages everyone else in that endeavor. Like a jolt of caffeine or endorphins or something 

And, yeah... .sometimes it is a journey to healing that takes 2 steps forward and 1 step back; but if it's in the right direction in the end, we just need to persevere with appreciation of the "tiny little changes" of positivity. Like you are doing right now. It's a motivational, inspirational story that can help us all realize that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Thanks for providing that    

[Kate4queen]

I think that's wonderful to hear. Thanks for sharing

[peaceplease]

pessi=optimist,

Yay!    It's not bragging at all.  It is inspiring!  I got goose bumps when I read about your phone call.  

peaceplease

[pessim-optimist]

I got goose bumps when I read about your phone call.  

Yeah, me too! It was really shocking, but sweetly shocking.