is it wrong to take a break?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

i am maxed out on everything going on with my BPD sister and family.  all the phone calls, the anger, the conflict, the stress.  it is slowly killing me.

i had been avoiding responding to her calls & texts, but sent an email every couple of days just to stay connected--on my terms.  yesterday i got accused of isolating her and i blew up.  i told her i need a break from all this and that she needed to let herself think about the impact this was having on everyone around her and to stop being so self-centered.  she hung up on me.

now i feel guilty.

[stymied]

i am maxed out on everything going on with my BPD sister and family.  all the phone calls, the anger, the conflict, the stress.  it is slowly killing me.

i had been avoiding responding to her calls & texts, but sent an email every couple of days just to stay connected--on my terms.  yesterday i got accused of isolating her and i blew up.  i told her i need a break from all this and that she needed to let herself think about the impact this was having on everyone around her and to stop being so self-centered.  she hung up on me.

now i feel guilty.

[zone out]

Good for you Stymied for having the courage to make a stand.  Now would be your opportunity to take a break from the aggro before resuming the sort of contact you had before - on your terms!  You have made progress to deal with the conflict and stress - don't let the FOG haul you back in there.

All best wishes to you

Zone out

[nomom4me]

I think it's normal and healthy to take a break, and you are entitled to connect with people (or not) on your terms.  When I constantly interact with my mother I get sucked into her drama and forget what normal looks like.

Just avoiding texts and not returning calls is a good tactic, I made clear boundaries with my mom and a she blew up and has been fighting me over them for years now.  If I could do it over I would be "too busy" for time consuming long exchanges rather than letting her know how her words and actions make me feel.  My mom has twisted my words and used them against me, now I look at every interaction with her as if I have been read my miranda rights - everything I say can be used against me.

[stymied]

thank you for the kind and supportive responses.  i am just at my wit's end and wish i could scoop up my little family and run away from all of this forever.

in hindsight i would have been less available for all the long, drawn out communications we have had over the years as well.  i have always been there to respond to her steady stream of crises and that set me up for many of the current issues i am facing now.  i thought that i was being a supportive sister.  if only i had known.

and nomom4me, the miranda rights analogy is spot on.  every thing i have said and/or done in my life is fashioned into a club and i am bludgeoned with it regularly.  it absolutely s*cks.

alas, i cannot change the past and can only do damage control moving forward.  taking care of me and mine is a priority right now.

it is sad because she is sick, both physically and mentally.  her children have left their home and no one in the family can handle speaking to her right now.  it is just so sad.  in her heart of hearts, she is a good person underneath all of this.  i know she is.  i can only hope and pray she can find rediscover that part of her again some day.

as for me, i can't take any more stress.  i just can't.  and neither can my family.

thanks for 'listening'.

[targetonmyback]

Ohhh, I want to get into the Take A Break boat with you and sail away to some nice quiet beach away from sisters.

I totally regret ever responding to emails, especially when I poured so much support into them only to have everything twisted and used against me. Really understand the Miranda Rights analogy - and will try to remember it next time an email from sister bleeds hate all over my computer.

I'm really sorry you are struggling with a BPD sister too  The sibling relationship is often the longest relationship in our life - and for it to s*ck this bad is very dispiriting as there seems to be no end and no escape.

[GeekyGirl]

It's ok to want to take a break. Sometimes having some time to regroup can help you heal and be more able to deal with your sister's behavior. Time outs aren't always a means of discipline.

What would you hope to get from the break?

[nevermore]

Absolutely!  The BPD in my family (my mother) is like a bucket with a hole in it. The more I give, the more time I spend, the more she craves.  Eventually I have to pull away.  You have to put yourself first because no matter how much you do she will never say "hey, you need to take some time for yourself."  Never.