someone remind me again...

[qwaszx]

ok i need someone to remind me that when she in dissoated, "fantasy worlds" there is NOTHING i can actually do to get her back to the "real world"... .that she has to do that herself, and wracking my brain on ways to "fix" this isnt going to help anyone. -.- or getting her to just project onto me wont help anything either... .though i feel like sometimes it does, and give her just enough release to look up/around to this world again, snaps her out of it  ... . you know "afters ever fire there is new growth?" pretty sure thats an irrational though... but...  

and i still wanta ask for advice on what i should do for HER... but i know i can only wait it out and hope this ones not another whole years flushed down the drain... *sigh*

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Lao Tzu]

Dear qwaszx,

     Hmmm... .simple ways to fix complex mental illness that experts haven't been able to come up with in the over forty years BPD has existed as an accepted diagnosis ... .hmm ... .let me think... .uhhhhh, no.  Sorry, but this is what is known as 'magical thinking'.  There is no basis in reality.  She needs professional help and to get it she needs to want it.  Even then, the path will be very long and difficult.  You aren't going to save her.  Might you consider trying to save yourself?

LT

[Scarlet Phoenix]

I understand how you feel. The frustration, the hurt, the sadness   I think you know there's not much you can do for her, and it sucks. It really does. How are you taking care of yourself in all of this?

[briefcase]

The best thing you can do for her and the relationship is to work on yourself. She needs you to be the strong, stable leader in the relationship. 

What kind of "fantasy worlds" are we talking about here?

[qwaszx]

Dear qwaszx,

     Hmmm... .simple ways to fix complex mental illness that experts haven't been able to come up with in the over forty years BPD has existed as an accepted diagnosis ... .hmm ... .let me think... .uhhhhh, no.  Sorry, but this is what is known as 'magical thinking'.  There is no basis in reality.  She needs professional help and to get it she needs to want it.  Even then, the path will be very long and difficult.  You aren't going to save her.  Might you consider trying to save yourself?

LT

lmao, no crap. as if i hadn't already thought about the fact that my head wasnt working clearly, and as if i didnt think of the fact the she needs professional help(which btw she is getting) thanks for the very blunt answer its actually kinda help full when its laid out like that, but quit honesty im not a figgen moron :P ... .and hmm "consider trying to save myself"... well i though about it and hence why im on the board, and not actually acting on my irrational "magical thinking :D"

I understand how you feel. The frustration, the hurt, the sadness   I think you know there's not much you can do for her, and it sucks. It really does. How are you taking care of yourself in all of this?

ya your right it does suck... and yes, i know. im taking care of myself rather well... .most days... .still ups and downs, but getting better... .still need to reflex and re think...

The best thing you can do for her and the relationship is to work on yourself. She needs you to be the strong, stable leader in the relationship. 

What kind of "fantasy worlds" are we talking about here?

thank you. i keep telling myself something similiar to that:) oh the fantasy worlds for her come down to, hallucination(hearing, feeling, seeing), dissocation... .shes just mentally gone sometimes... .just no concept of whats real or not...

[Scarlet Phoenix]

oh the fantasy worlds for her come down to, hallucination(hearing, feeling, seeing), dissocation... .shes just mentally gone sometimes... .just no concept of whats real or not...

Is it at a point where she should be in a hospital setting? You say she's getting professional help, that's great.

[qwaszx]

she just got out about a month ago:/ that when she offically got dignosed BPD... .but i was really concerned the other day... i told her if she needs to go back then to go, but its not like i can make her go(and i realize at those times on not talking to a someone whos stable... but its her choice regardless, unless of course she see her therapist and is made to go like last time... and that seemed to help her alot because it so structured!)...   things are a little better today... im just hoping thats the way they stay... and ya she see a therapist everyother week at the moment(which is not nearly enough if u ask me... thats part of why she crashed... she was goin each week), and goes to a DTB group every week... minis last week cuz the rage/darkness was so bad...

[Herculite]

Dear qwaszx,

     Hmmm... .simple ways to fix complex mental illness that experts haven't been able to come up with in the over forty years BPD has existed as an accepted diagnosis ... .hmm ... .let me think... .uhhhhh, no.  Sorry, but this is what is known as 'magical thinking'.  There is no basis in reality.  She needs professional help and to get it she needs to want it.  Even then, the path will be very long and difficult.  You aren't going to save her.  Might you consider trying to save yourself?

LT

Lao Tzu,

I wish someone had given me those words of wisdom years ago, instead of all the false hope and rug sweeping that I did get about my uBPD'd STBXW. Especially from the "no idea" psychologists who were supposed to be the professionals

qwaszx, so sorry for you. I can say I've been though that crazy stuff, on and off for over 20 years,so I can relate. But that's no help to you. For what it's worth, I thought about it long and hard, and eventually left her, 3 1/2 months ago. So far no regrets. Long term, who knows. I doubt I will ever wish to face that treatment again.

[waverider]

Separating "her issues' from "your issues" is hard to do. But is an essential step in overcoming your own instinctive reactive thinking.

In otherwords going from "biting your tongue', to not feeling that desire to react as it is not "your stuff". I know that sounds cold, but it is acceptance of reality.

Without that acceptance of reality we have nothing solid to hang "our stuff" on. As a result we become dysfunctional also, and a poor benchmark for our partners, so the twisted dance continues.

[qwaszx]

I wish someone had given me those words of wisdom years ago, instead of all the false hope and rug sweeping that I did get about my uBPD'd STBXW. Especially from the "no idea" psychologists who were supposed to be the professionals

qwaszx, so sorry for you. I can say I've been though that crazy stuff, on and off for over 20 years,so I can relate. But that's no help to you. For what it's worth, I thought about it long and hard, and eventually left her, 3 1/2 months ago. So far no regrets. Long term, who knows. I doubt I will ever wish to face that treatment again.

hey Herculite,

i hear you, someone once said, actually i believe its off a criminal minds show "Bad news stops us for a few days. But hope is paralyzing"... somedays thats how i feel... .the psychologist shes seen so far havent had any idea about BPD, this is the farthest shes gotten so far(she was back up pretty fast this time:)) ... i guess part of me stays hope full because i feel like i've convinced her to stick around this long, and kinda have been a huge factor in her getting therapy and trying to recover, who would i be to turn around and betray that trust... and whats the point in all this if there is no recovery, if there is only pain. im loyal to a fault. im not goin to cut myself right out, but i need to find a line where her pain cant effect me any longer.

and ya, im only a friend. i dont want to go back to living with her, but somedays i just feel like i need to... .because it seems like im the only one with some sense in any of this... .clearly codepenent... .working on it. even then i know its a bandade solution, and i know i cant keep up with her, and in the long run we would both end up drowning, because i dont know where that line is... and i hate the she thinks she needs me, and doesnt see that she can do more then she believes.

Separating "her issues' from "your issues" is hard to do. But is an essential step in overcoming your own instinctive reactive thinking.

In otherwords going from "biting your tongue', to not feeling that desire to react as it is not "your stuff". I know that sounds cold, but it is acceptance of reality.

Without that acceptance of reality we have nothing solid to hang "our stuff" on. As a result we become dysfunctional also, and a poor benchmark for our partners, so the twisted dance continues.

thank you:) im seriously trying to work on it... but its very hit and miss at the moment, depending on my mood that day... . just when i think i get somewhere, i seem to be back at the start:/

what LT said is right, but it doesnt mean i wanted to hear it... though needed to.

[Herculite]

.i guess part of me stays hope full because i feel like i've convinced her to stick around this long, and kinda have been a huge factor in her getting therapy and trying to recover, who would i be to turn around and betray that trust... and whats the point in all this if there is no recovery, if there is only pain. im loyal to a fault. im not goin to cut myself right out, but i need to find a line where her pain cant effect me any longer.

and ya, im only a friend. i dont want to go back to living with her, but somedays i just feel like i need to... .because it seems like im the only one with some sense in any of this... .clearly codepenent... .working on it. even then i know its a bandade solution, and i know i cant keep up with her, and in the long run we would both end up drowning, because i dont know where that line is... and i hate the she thinks she needs me, and doesnt see that she can do more then she believes. .

Stay strong. I'm not the greatest fan of T, but if you get a good one, it sounds like you could use it. At least to cut her loose.

[Lao Tzu]

Dear qwaszx,

     Sorry to be snarky; we're all dealing with our own issues here, including me.  I certainly don't think you're a moron or any of the rest you may have inferred from what I wrote.  If you want to see an actual moron's history (I don't suggest it, really), you can look back at my posts here.

LT

[qwaszx]

Dear qwaszx,

     Sorry to be snarky; we're all dealing with our own issues here, including me.  I certainly don't think you're a moron or any of the rest you may have inferred from what I wrote.  If you want to see an actual moron's history (I don't suggest it, really), you can look back at my posts here.

LT

Hey LT,

its alright, i understand, its all touchy stuff for everyone, im sorry for over reacting also. honesty i hear what ur saying, and i get it, i really do... .simply not on an emotional level, yet.

and its ok, i dont need to go looking through your post, im sure u had your own reasons for whatever it was that kept you in the game. whatever they were wrong or right i dont think it makes a moron either... .

take care:)

[Grey Kitty]

but i need to find a line where her pain cant effect me any longer.

qwaszx, this is exactly what I heard waverider say you need to address. I'd say it a slightly different way.

Look for a way to see that her pain is her pain, and not your pain.

It will affect you, because you still care about her, and that is how a good caring person is.

The main point is realizing that it is her pain, the actions she takes will result in consequences for her. Really work on learning where she stops and where you start.

That understanding builds your strength and stability.

Hang in there!

 GK

[qwaszx]

thank you all... and its just such a fine line... .somedays i have it and other days its gone...