New Member ... An aspie and a BP .. WARNING this is loonngg

[adizziedoll]

Hi,

I am a self-dx'ed aspie with an aspie son, partnered for over 3 years with a newly dx'ed BP. Take a second and swallow that pill... .I'll give you another minute.  You've got an individual who craves and needs personal space and who has the potential of complete meltdown when put in a corner. You have another who WILL have a complete meltdown without constant attention and a showering of affection or feel the doom of being abandoned.  It creates more than sparks. 

I feel lucky in my journey in that I recognized my deficit in understanding the human race a long time ago, and I taught myself.  I studied and thrived to learn how to communicate effectively. I used to be a raging lunatic in my early teens, I'll admit, but I have slowly grown into a weird but functioning adult who can sympathize and understand other people almost more than someone who has these abilities "built-in".  I learn to let things "be" and that people will do what they will do.  I learned how to appropriately react to my emotions.  Being that my mother (who I have not seen since I was 11) was a raging lunatic (I think she was bipolar but I never got a straight answer), I truly believed the aspie on my father's side saved me from the same fate.  I held the ability to learn and change.

My poor, poor borderline however ... .not so much.  For 3 years I picked apart his words, his actions, that sudden change in the look in his eyes that spelled "shiznit is about to hit the fan".  I tried every coping mechanism ... .I tried listening, I tried coddling, meeting demands, walking away, locking myself in bathrooms and cars, and lastly I have started physically fighting back ... .I knew this wasn't right.  Like a thief in the night my sense of individualism and freedom was taken away.  There's this little glimmer left of who I know I am, nothing of which involved an individual who gets walked on, verbally or physically fights, or plays any games to get by.  I suspected Borderline.  After 3 years, he's finally at the doctor's confirming what I already knew.

Now I just feel sick.

I willingly dance a degrading dance of sorrow and defeat.  I willingly allow myself to be verbally abused, imprisoned and stripped away of all things that are not him.  I willingly believe it is somehow my fault, and that I could do better. I willingly fear for me, my son's and his own safety when he comes home completely hammered, waiting for something in his brain to completely snap.  I willingly let go of the free spirit I once was.  For what?  Love?  Or is this just plain empathy?  I'm I just as sick for allowing this to happen to me?  Or is this disorder just THAT GOOD ... .?

All I know is that I am completely miserable. I told him I am miserable, but I don't think he can comprehend or even cares, as long as I stay.  "How do you think I feel?" is a common centerpiece of MY telling HIM my feelings.  I ask myself all the time; are the good times worth these horrific outbursts, long nights of arguing over god-knows-what, visits from the police, or that utterly terrifying feeling of contemplating climbing down my second story window while he's trying to undo the chain to my front door?  Or the even more sickening feeling that he may actually seriously hurt me or carry out one of his suicidal threats?  I understand it probably wouldn't happen but the threat is there and it haunts me every day.

The funny thing is that I did leave once, for 6 months.  I was so happy ... .I was so free ... .I was back. Somehow I ended up back.  Here.  He promised to get help, which I admit he did and now him, his parents and I know for sure he's BP.  I have noticed improvement, I'll also admit.  But he still drinks, and then the monster comes out.  I can't reason with it, I can't make it calm down, and I can NOT make it go away.  The last 3 months have felt like an eternity.

A few nights ago, I noticed a growing physical rage that he doesn't normally display and I said I was leaving.  I was lucky to have friends home with me.  BP doesn't just "let" me leave.  He pushed my car forward as I tried to back out.  He sat on my trunk knowing I would have to run him over to get out.  I calmly sat and tried to wait it out as my friend stared at me like I was insane for dealing with it.  Then he started wailing on my car, and I snapped.  I work hard for my car.  It's the one nice thing I have, and I work an hour away.  I need it.  I regressed to the crazy 14 year old I once knew.  Still, he refuses to leave.  The thing that prompted his departure was a threat to call the police.  Not because of my obvious distress, not because I asked him only a thousand times ... .but because he didn't want to get in trouble. 

This isn't me.  This isn't the way I want to live.  This isn't the way I want my son to live.  I told him I can't do this and I haven't heard a word since.  Now I just want to keep all those "what-if's" away from myself.  He was showing signs of improvement in just a few short weeks; is it possible he can become a functioning partner or is that all ploy as well?  Is it even possible for ME to ever function as a normal partner again?

Thanks for taking the time to read my extremely long post.  I really needed to vent and write even a small fraction of my story. 

[MammaMia]

Adizziedoll

Wow.

Welcome to BPDF... .your journey here has been eventful!  

We are very familiar with BPD, and the behaviors you describe from your BPDexbf are not unusual.  One thing for sure, BPD and alcohol are NOT a good combination.  PwBPD have emotional dysregulation issues without it, but add alcohol (a major depressant), and you have a time bomb.  You were wise to leave, and we are glad you and your son are safe.  

How old is your son?  :)o you have other family close by?  I know your mother is absent from your life, but I hope you have someone for hands-on support.  Having Aspberger's yourself and a son with Aspberger's is challenging.  Add a BPDbf and, it is easy to see exactly how stressful life has been for you.  I must add that you sound remarkably stable.  You are a strong person.  

There is a large variety of information here about BPD.  I hope you are able to take the time to review some of it.  This website has been a Godsend to so many of us who dance with the BPD devil every day.  Hopefully, we can share some advice on how to take care of yourself, which is very important.

Feel free to vent, share experiences, and ask questions ... .this is a safe place.   I hope you will let us help you.  We will certainly try our best, and we are happy to have you here.

 

[Surnia]

Hi adizziedoll

and 

What a story! So glad you are here now. Reaching out for others, writing down the own story needs courage and it will help.

You did a long road and you are very honest about your own situation, which I really appreciate it. 

You are in need of personal space and now this space is completely gone.

The funny thing is that I did leave once, for 6 months.  I was so happy ... .I was so free ... .I was back. Somehow I ended up back.  Here.  He promised to get help, which I admit he did and now him, his parents and I know for sure he's BP.  I have noticed improvement, I'll also admit.  But he still drinks, and then the monster comes out.  I can't reason with it, I can't make it calm down, and I can NOT make it go away.  The last 3 months have felt like an eternity.

About improuvement: Seeking help and continue the drinking is in my eyes one step forward and two step backwards. So I would not too much rely on it.


What exactly brought you back?

How is your living situation? All together in the same household? Or has he his own apartment?

Stay in touch, Adizziedoll, we can support you.

[adizziedoll]

Wow, thank you for the responses ... .it's nice to have someone here so late while the mind races 

My son is 9    He is a beautiful soul and I love him to pieces  My father helps watch him after school since he cannot go to daycare.  We do not have a good relationship as he has always been emotionally unavailable, and frankly, he has done some pretty terrible things that I will never forget.  But with no siblings, he is all I have.

The BP was on the lease, once.  I never allowed that again.  But he makes his home here anyhow, rent-free. Technically he still lives with his parents. I've tried setting a boundary of getting help with the bills, but it just causes more headaches then it's worth.  He comes home after work and I am expected to do the same.  Or he's allowed to go out and I'm expected to come or be home when he gets home ... .whenever that is.  I've stop attempting to go out. 

BP does not let me leave.  Ever.  Not once have I've been able to escape an argument.  Doors are blocked, I am shoved, or I end up locking myself in a room where he just ends up pounding or picking the lock.  I feel like a cornered animal, and that is devastating to an aspie.  I rarely ever try to leave anymore to avoid that feeling, that aspie meltdown that I have spent years mastering control over.  Anytime I do try to leave I regret it.  So we stay up for hours.  I say stop, he says "no".  I say I won't take the abuse, he says I'm abusing him.  All the things he's done for me and this is what he gets? Do I even love him?  Of course I do hunny ... ."well obviously you don't".  I try to get back onto the original subject, or the root of his outburst ... .there's just no correct answer.  OK hun, I'm wrong ... ."You don't really believe that"!  Something something 3 years ago something something ... .I can't listen anymore it makes no sense.  I can't even use my phone anymore ... .I must be talking to my "backup" ... .Then all apologies in the morning. 

Then there's the raging alcoholic BP.  This is a completely different monster, the person I do not know or love.  I know it's coming with the look in his eyes.  Again, I tried to set a boundary that when he goes out with this particular person he cannot come back to my house, because they always get hammered off of shots.  But he lies.  He says he did this, that, sweet as can be ... .just to get in the door.  Once he's in he can let loose and be angry at anything and everything, and he knows I can't escape.  I have a roommate that just goes upstairs.  There's been quite a few times where I've had guests and he just didn't seem to care they were there.  I stopped having guests. Again, all apologies in the AM. 

What brings me back?  The promises I think.  We take a breather and he promises to stop drinking or that he's not doing pills anymore or he'll get help ... .all which he does for a little while. I remember all the wonderful things and connections we shared in the past.  I remember all the good qualities I see in him and the hope that I have for his recovery.  The cycle restarts. 

Now he's going to a doctor and I just can't trust he'll stick with it.  Did I mention he is a master manipulator and liar?  This time I told him I can't stay with the drinking, so he wants me to stand by his side while he tries to stop ... .again ... .

I just can't find a way to take care of myself and keep myself happy when I feel so imprisoned.  I hate leaving work knowing what I'm potentially coming home to.  I do volunteer work which he seems to accept most of the time.  He relies on me to keep him entertained and be there for his every demand.  He includes me in plans without telling me and then gets angry that can't/don't want to be involved.  I could just go on and on ... .

Don't get me wrong, I do empathize with him and feel so sad that he goes through this turmoil every day.  I wish I could help him but I'm starting to feel like this relationship is only hurting him. 

Again I am sorry for the length of my posts, I just haven't released in a long time to somebody who will listen.  I am so glad I found this site and I will be sure to look around some more.  I appreciate your kind words tremendously.

[Surnia]

What is late night for you is morning for me. 

So sorry to hear about your nights with mind races. 

Relying on promises is what often happens. You are not alone with it.  We trust the words of our SOs and not so much the actions... .

Reading through your post I think its not so much about aspie and BPD.

Its a clearly abusive rs. You are a prisoner in your own house! He even gets physical. Which is very scary for everyone  and should not be tolerated. 

Did you ever consider to reach out to a Domestic violence help desk?

[adizziedoll]

Did you ever consider to reach out to a Domestic violence help desk?

Not really since he doesn't hit me.

[Surnia]

I can understand that you are hesitating.

BP does not let me leave.  Ever.  Not once have I've been able to escape an argument.  Doors are blocked, I am shoved, or I end up locking myself in a room where he just ends up pounding or picking the lock.

This sounds for me that he is quite violent. He is violating your personal space, your boundaries in a massive way.  :'(

Are you not scared sometimes?

[adizziedoll]

and lastly I have started physically fighting back ... .

 

Out of fear.

or that utterly terrifying feeling of contemplating climbing down my second story window while he's trying to undo the chain to my front door?  Or the even more sickening feeling that he may actually seriously hurt me or carry out one of his suicidal threats?  I understand it probably wouldn't happen but the threat is there and it haunts me every day.

He always has a knife in his pocket.  It has made more than one appearance threatening himself.  He tried to shoot himself in the head with a bb gun in front of all our friends ... .yes I am beyond terrified, mostly when he's drunk.

[adizziedoll]

After all the anger and thoughts I had after this weekends episode, I did set a new boundary.  I haven't seen him since that evening, but I told him that if we were to see each other, it will no longer be at my home.  My home will  now become a safe place for me to be again, and will not enable his disease by allowing him to depend on me or a place to go.  What do you guys think?

[SweetCharlotte]

Dollie, I think that barring him from your home is an excellent idea. Bravo! That is where you have had to run from him, hide from him, and feel scared. You need your safe haven back. Since he is getting help, maybe he will eventually stop drinking and stop being a rage-aholic. In the meantime, it's better not to put yourself at risk. I don't like him carrying a knife around either. I wouldn't be alone with him even outside of your home. You've done a lot for him in getting him to seek help. The rest is up to him.

As you probably know, there are many more male aspies than female aspies. I'm sure one of them would appreciate a woman who understands his differences. Women usually have less severe symptoms, so I wouldn't underestimate your chance for an enriching social life and intimate relationship. Can you reach out to other aspies or people with aspie traits (I have quite a few) in your community? Often you can find them sharing their "special interests."

P.S. I too have a son diagnosed with Asperger's (now called autism level 1). He's 16 and his symptoms are pretty mild, though he does require a little extra attention in some ways. In other ways, he is marvelously independent!

[Surnia]

After all the anger and thoughts I had after this weekends episode, I did set a new boundary.  I haven't seen him since that evening, but I told him that if we were to see each other, it will no longer be at my home. 

A good idea!

What are your plans regarding the rs? Do you continue at his place your is it more about staying away and probably separate totally?