How do you cope?

[EnigmaSoul]

So thanks to my sudden and awful break up from my undiagnosed exBPD partner... .I am now binge eating and binge drinking alcohol.  That's how I always cope with break ups and I hate it. 

I had lost so much weight and it's literally piled back on.  I'm an entertainer and singer and I had a deadline to lose 10kgs, but it looks like it's not going to happen.

I know it's all my stuff - my responsibility to not binge, but it's another reason i'm struggling right now.  I hate looking at myself in the mirror.

Anybody do this too?

How do you act out after a break up?

[Octoberfest]

Everyone has their own way of coping; there are certainly some that are healthier than others, but I am going to stop short of calling any particular way wrong. When I was at my worst, I spent a lot of time on this website. I also binge drank (although when I do drink, it is always binge drinking- blame it on being in college).  Therapy was another outlet.  By and large though, exercise was what kept me alive- literally.  Before I met my BPDex I was very into fitness.  As our relationship began and progressed, my entire life became about her; worrying about what she was doing, trying to make her happy, spending every free moment with her, etc.  Exercise took a MAJOR backseat.  I had my bodyfat measured at the school gym back on April 9th, about a month before I broke things off for good with my BPDex after finding out she was AGAIN dating another man at the same time as me.  I was measured at 13.96% bodyfat.  That is not a very high number- for most people.  For me, it was the highest I have been since I began working out 6 years ago, when I was 14. This summer I took up running with a vendetta.  It had never really been my thing; I was the weight lifter type. I too hate looking at myself in a mirror.  I do it quite often, moreso than most people, but very rarely am I happy with what I see. In a little over 3 months I progressed from being able to run 1-1.5 miles at a 8:45-9:00 pace to running 5 miles, 3 times a week at a near 8:00 pace. I had my bodyfat measured again today, 4.5 months after the breakup.  7.36%.  Running was my only reprieve from my mind.  The 40-50 minutes I would spend running every other day or so was almost the only break I got from the barrage of hurtful memories, thoughts, and realizations that ran through my head like a freight train.  

I am lucky.  My coping mechanism was one that has proved incredibly fruitful for me in other aspects of my life; in this case, my physical condition. No matter what your coping mechanism, the goal is to soothe yourself... .If you can, transitioning to a healthier method is of course preferred. In cases where self harm is the coping mechanism, most would argue it is essential.

Now? I still visit these forums.  School keeps me pretty busy, I drink on the weekends, and workout with a vengeance. I am in great shape, killing it in school, but I still would not say that I am happy.  I am still working on that part.

[huhhuh]

I am glad I'm not the only one.

The first months after the breakup I couldn't eat anything and lost 10 kgs.

Then I gained it all back by binge eating. I could eat pizza, chips and candy and then vomit all over the toilet. The vomit went everywhere and I didn't care about cleaning it up right away. Why should I? Nothing mattered.

I then told myself to take control over my eating disorder and started to exercise and eat healthy and my body is now in better shape than ever before.

I can only recommend you to read forums about exercising and diet. Don't read health articles from magazines or TV. They are loaded with crap advise whose only purpose is to give profit to the owners. They are filled with lies. (like my ex) Read forums instead. Count All you calories. Cut down carbs and eat more protein.

Alcohol has never been an issue for me but since you are working in the entertainment business I can imagine that you have easy access to alcohol and you need to be very self disciplined to control it.

You can do it

[snappafcw]

I suppose this kind of advice would be healthy for me as well since I'm a professional DJ who plays 5 nights a week. Thank god ive stayed away from drugs all my life but alcohol is a deadly way for me to self soothe... .Doesnt even work anyway i need something else.

[GreenMango]

I worked. Then I worked some more.  And when working didnt do it I cleaned stuff ( I still do this   ) And I surfed - a lot.  Salt water helped.  But like anything taken to the extreme can backfire.

I'm trying to mix it up with walking and yoga.  And time with loved ones.  And throwing in some "me" time - reading and relaxing.

Or I go on mindcations - dream about crap I want to do, places to see.

Drinking not so much... .that was more when I was in the relationship as a way to destress.  But I don't like feeling like crap for a week after a couple of drinks so I'm more of a one drink occasionally and clubsoda the rest of the night kind of person.

What I'd wish I had done in those early stages was take up karate... .full contact shotokan karate and really channel my anger.  And then some aikido for the flow and peacefulness.  Yeah full contact karate.

[willbegood]

At first I get into a depressed state of not eating or sleeping. Hit the bottle a little. Once I feel bad enough I start to snap out of it.

I start cleaning. Eating healthy and make sure I cook myself a good dinner each night. I'll start working on little projects I've wanted to do around the house. Hit the gym on a regular basis.

Basically I just get myself into a good routine and eventually time heals all wounds.

Unfortunately I'm at day 1 of trying to get out of my depressed state. So this morning I'm just doing some wash and making sure the dishes are done so when I come home from work I'll feel a little better knowing I accomplished something today.

[Jbt857]

I run too.

I make myself try and run 5k 5x a week. I know if I didn't, I'd be drinking too much (still have the odd binge) and comfort eating.

I actually managed to stop smoking too. I tried to take heed of all those positive things the experts suggest during breakups about eating well, and taking care of me and its actually working.

Now the running is ingrained, I can't drink more than a glass of wine the day before I run, it affects my ability too much. So i can only drink 2 nights a week. The other nights I don't bother.

Some days, nothing works, and I sit on the sofa eating carbs with a bottle of wine, but those days aren't often.

Starting any new habits is always the toughest.  But if don't take care of yourself, who will?

I am 5'10", weigh 140lbs and I still don't like how I look in the mirror. But that motivates me to keep going towards a place that I will. I gained a few lbs from stopping smoking, but it's a lot less because of the regular exercise. I can confidently say that without running, the routine of it and the endorphins it gives me, I'd for sure be feeling a whole lot worse and weigh a whole lot more right now.

I have lots of musician friends, and I'd say getting a regular routine based on self care is by far the best choice you can make right now to speed your recovery. make yourself get up at a regular time. Make yourself work out. Make yourself eat well. The first few weeks will be tough, but it gets easier. As huhuh advocated, lots of online support will help.

But start. Even if its just a small step, it's still a step. A positive one.

[Ironmanrises]

How do i cope?

At first it was just this forum.

I lost weight all through latter part of devaluation in round 2 and the first few weeks after she left me.

Then i started to eat junk food for a while but was able to curb that.

Artwork used to be my main coping method but after round 2... .

It has remained non functional.

(I draw peoples faces with sketching pencils)... .

I recently started learning Japanese... .

(I speak 4 languages)... .

It is not an easy language to learn... .

But it is helping me stay focused... .

It has given me something to look forward to.

Has kept those circling thoughts of my exUBPDgf at the periphary of my mind... .

Where i am not constantly flooded with all the questions.

I am healing slowly.

Hopefully my passion for drawing returns soon... .

In the meantime my new language has sparked that inner fire within.

My Ironman suit is being rebuilt.

[starshine]

Hi Enigma!  When my relationship ended suddenly and completely I threw was left of myself into healing.  I stayed away from alcohol (I was truly afraid I'd wake up in jail for double murder), although I did self medicate with weed.  Since my breakup happened in late summer I spent many hours in my pool.  I took A LOT of hot baths.  I had no appetite what so ever, and lost a bunch of weight, but made myself eat really healthy balanced meals.  I allowed my self to cry and grieve, to feel the pain.  I cried A LOT.  I took an early morning fitness class 3 days a week and signed up for classes at the community college the other days so I had a good reason to get out of bed in the morning.  (I don't remember anything from the classes, but I'm sure it's all in a file in my head, somewhere... .)  As the seasons changed I began cross country skiing.  Kept my house clean. Did some traveling.  I had one friend who made it her project to go out to eat with me- so that I could form new memories around these places that I loved, but had so many memories of him.  I got talk therapy, acupuncture, massage, flower essence therapy, had my astrological and vedic charts read, and went to as many music festivals as I could- dance is a huge healer for me.  And I worked, worked, worked.  

Still working on healing, my heart still hurts tremendously some days for what I perceive I lost.  Thank goodness I have my health.

[starshine]

That's cool that you're learning Japanese, Ironman.  I actually took American Sign Language at the community college right after our breakup- I also was prompted to learn another language, but I didn't necessarily want to talk to people.   

[Ironmanrises]

Starshine,

Im glad you are healing too.

I cried a lot too.

That has subsided at least.

Sign language huh?... .Very cool.

[Hazelrah]

Like others, I hit the bottle extremely hard for the first six weeks or so after my BPDw left home.  It helped de-sensitize me when I was at my weakest, but, at the same time, it also slowed my progress considerably.  I eventually got tired of it and turned things around with healthy options... .returning to working out, eating healthy, and surrounding  myself with family and friends who allowed me to, at first, wallow in the pain, then watch me slowly come out of the worst of it.  I'm also a musician, and after a long period of inactivity, I threw myself back into songwriting, which is extremely cathartic.  Finally, spending a wealth of time on this site has probably been the most important component to feeling somewhat human again.

I'm still struggling at times (my wedding anniversary is coming up a week from today, which is something I'll likely need to work through here in more detail), but I have come a long way since the beginning of the summer.  I expect some major hurdles in the coming months if we actually go through with a divorce, but I'm better prepared to deal with it than I was just a few months ago.

[EnigmaSoul]

It is such a relief and comfort to read these replies to know i'm not alone.  I've known for a while that a healthy diet and exercise and sunshine is the only way through this.  It' getting myself into that routine, you know what it's like, you've been abusing your body for so long all you do is crave the alcohol and food even more as you try and withdraw from it.

I'm determined though - Just rang my girlfriend, we are going to do 2-3 1 hour power walks per week, and I will be starting on a fresh food health kick this week.  Looking forward to taking back control to be honest.

I gave away enough of my power - enough is enough.

[Suzn]

Good for you ES for calling your friend. 

First thing I did was go into a deep depression. I got myself out of it but it took a while. I started playing video games on my computer first. Gave my mind a break from the ruminations. It helped a lot actually. It was free and even if I had plans there was still down time alone at home so it helped when I had too much time on my hands. After joining these boards and getting a T I started searching web sites and fb pages for positive quotes/affirmations and positive reading material. I also could lose myself in sites for travel, reading about really cool places I've never been. Learned a lot, I still do the searches, still makes me feel good finding a new place I've never heard of. 

I started working on a healthy diet a few weeks ago, almost vegan but not really. Cheated with some KFC yesterday but I think moderation is the key. Quit drinking sodas and switched to orange juice and tea. Overall I definitely have more energy, that part has been very noticeable.

[peas]

I am not a regular smoker -- usually a social smoker when I have an adult beverage -- but after the BPD b/u I hit the ciggs hard. It's all I did. I had no appetite so I didn't eat and I lost about 10 lbs. It also happened that my work ramped up to high stress levels about a month after the b/u, so I was smoking to get through that too. I continue to smoke, but I'm down to about a pack every three days instead of pack a day following the b/u.

This has been the summer from hell.

[Octoberfest]

I am not a regular smoker -- usually a social smoker when I have an adult beverage -- but after the BPD b/u I hit the ciggs hard. It's all I did. I had no appetite so I didn't eat and I lost about 10 lbs. It also happened that my work ramped up to high stress levels about a month after the b/u, so I was smoking to get through that too. I continue to smoke, but I'm down to about a pack every three days instead of pack a day following the b/u.

This has been the summer from hell.

+1... .

In fact, it rounded off the previous 9 months to make it the year from hell.  I just didn't know it because dealing with a partner who cheated on me, lied to me, played with my emotions, and hurt me tremendously became the normal for me.

I forgot to add when I made my first post; I too did not eat or sleep much.  I have always had a tremendous appetite; people know me for it.  And it vanished.  I was home for the summer from school and my mother was sad because she could see the change in me.  I had to install blackout shades in my room on my window and sleep with the door shut because if there was any light at all I wouldn't sleep.  I was lucky to get 4-5 hours a night.  None of that is normal... .I have never ever slept with the door shut before.

It is all very surreal still.  It is hard to grasp just how much an experience can affect you/change you

[peas]

Octoberfest, totally. I was just thinking today how 2013 has sucked. It was hard dealing with the BPDbf practically the whole time we were together (seven months).

The change in seasons from summer to fall couldn't come fast enough. I was actually relieved to see the last day of summer on the calendar. But now I'm bummed because fall is me and my exbf's favorite season and it's also the season when we met last year. Triggers galore. So now I just want 2013 to be done.

[Hazelrah]

This has been the summer from hell.

Yes, this really has been the summer of hell for me, as well.  The entire summer just completely got away from me.  Yet I have a feeling autumn and winter are going to bring some major challenges, despite any rebound I've made in the short term.  October was the month of our first date, not to mention our wedding anniversary, so I anticipate some rough times on the horizon.  My mom passed last Thanksgiving, so that is a holiday I can't really envision celebrating again any time soon.  Finally, if things don't make a miraculous recovery, I'll be divorced right around Christmas. 

I'll just have to keep walking through hell, like Churchill once encouraged.

[peas]

Right there with you, Hazelrah. My ex and I's anniversary is in November. I'm not looking forward to that day this year. I will be majorly sad. But it's one day, and I think I can get through 24 hours. I may have to sleep through it.

Maybe you can spend time with family during the anniversary of your mother's passing.

Also, it's okay to opt out of celebrating anything. Society puts pressure on us to mark major occasions, but we can spend it however we please.

[Emelie Emelie]

These have been some great posts.  You're all inspiring me.  I have not been exercising at all.  Don't have the energy.  Tough to get to sleep and tougher to get up in the morning.  Getting through the work days but completely unmotivated at home.  Place is a freaking mess.  Which stresses me out.  I need to take some baby steps in the right direction.  I love yoga.  Maybe make a deal with myself I'll do 15 minutes of yoga a day.  Something!  I've also been going out after work and having one too many cocktails.  I usually deal with work stress okay but it's been over the top lately.  Today I'm dealing with him and our top talent (I'm in media) calls to say he's resigning (because he's nuts and angry about something) unless I fire someone else.  Arghh. 

In any case what's helped me is you all , therapy, letting myself feel my feelings, cry when I needed to.  I tried so hard NOT to cry all the time at first but got encouragement here and from my T to let myself cry.  And it is healing. 

[EnigmaSoul]

These have been some great posts.  You're all inspiring me.  I have not been exercising at all.  Don't have the energy.  Tough to get to sleep and tougher to get up in the morning.  Getting through the work days but completely unmotivated at home.  Place is a freaking mess.  Which stresses me out.  I need to take some baby steps in the right direction.  I love yoga.  Maybe make a deal with myself I'll do 15 minutes of yoga a day.  Something!  I've also been going out after work and having one too many cocktails.  I usually deal with work stress okay but it's been over the top lately.  Today I'm dealing with him and our top talent (I'm in media) calls to say he's resigning (because he's nuts and angry about something) unless I fire someone else.  Arghh. 

In any case what's helped me is you all , therapy, letting myself feel my feelings, cry when I needed to.  I tried so hard NOT to cry all the time at first but got encouragement here and from my T to let myself cry.  And it is healing. 

That's exactly how I have been feeling "no energy".  Just can't get myself to do ANYTHING I don't have to do, other than sitting on the computer, watching DVDs, eating and drinking.

I'm so grateful for this site too, I don't know what I would have done without it.  Thank you all so much.

And thanks for the motivation, I went for my first power walk today, i'm feeling much better x

[Jbt857]

It's starting that's the hardest. No way I could have just run 5k from zero. I started with a 20 minute walk, 4 times a week and built up. Some days it was really difficult. Some days I failed. But I didn't beat myself up over it, just picked up where I'd left off next time.

I find having a 'to do' list really useful. Ticking off even crappy little things around the home, or my workout gives me a sense of having achieved something, even if its small.

I'm not close to ready to date again, but looking forward and knowing I will be fitter and healthier - mentally, physically and emotionally when I do is a pretty good motivator.

[GreenMango]

  , i'm feeling much better x

Good to hear.  Even if you have another bad day we've all probably been there too - just post.  One foot in front of the other.

It gets better.

[starshine]

Another thing that has worked for me- I also have spent a lot of time dancing in my living room- I found this website called archive.org, and I go put on a live recording of one of my favorite bands, and pretend I'm at a live concert.  Sometimes I can only listen to a couple songs, but it really lifts my heart from the dark places it has gone.