BPD_MIL Wrecking my family

[TheBlkChildsWife]

My mother in law is currently launching a full-fledged smear campaign against me, my husband as well, but Im the primary target. She's telling everyone with an ear to hear that Im a slut and I cheat on her son, that I sit in my "filthy" house and do drugs all day. None of this is true, but she wont accept that. I have a son from a previous relationship and shes told numerous people that I have a beautiful son that I don't deserve and that she will have custody of him before its all over with. Did I mention that Im pregnant with her grandchild? Shes already making threats, with no basis for them whatsoever, that shes going to take my child after its born and raise him/her herself. My husband says that's just the way she is and that I should do like he does(and has done his ENTIRE life) and just let it go in one ear and out the other. Ive talked her out of suicide too many times to count and now that shes threatening my family and as sick as it sounds... .I wish I hadn't. Its something new every week... some new delusion of how shes being SO wronged and no one loves her, and of course its everyones fault but her own. She hates my husband one day and hates him the next. Its like a nightmare rollercoaster.  Im strongly pro-life, but this woman actually has me wondering if it might be best to go against everything I believe in and end this pregnancy just so I don't have to be tied to her by her own blood... .for the rest of my life. Im losing it here. Please help. I asked her to get help and she told me that I was the one who was unstable and needed to see someone.

[Reg]

Hi TheBlkChildsWife

First of all, may I give you a warm welcome here at BPD Family, the place where we all are for mutual support in dealing with this kind of situation !

I'm sorry to hear about the situation with your morther in law.

It sounds indeed all so familiar to me, it is never them, everybody else is the big bad wolf, they are just projecting it towards their environment and loved ones not having to deal with the guilt and shame for their behavior, and they can't even help it, it is not you, it's not even them it is the borderline behavior that has taken complete control of their life... .

I've been also talking someone with BPD out of two suicide attempts so I know very well where you've been on that matter.  Don't expect any thank you's - expect revenge !

It is indeed a nightmare rollercoaster.  There are a few things you can do to soften things and avoid more conflict, althought this is a text for couples, it can also help in your situation

Before You Can Make Things Better, You have To Stop Making Things Worse 

When a family member has BPD, the illness can negatively everyone in the family system, including children, siblings, and in-laws. Senior members on the [L5]  Coping and Healing from a BPD Parent, Sibling, or Inlaw board are experienced with and can help you with setting boundaries, finding relief from FOG, encouraging self-care, improving your handling of relationships impacted by your BPD relative, and pursuing a path of recovery from traumatic experiences. The validation, information, and support will give you strength on your journey.

I've been painted black myself over and over, so I hear you, and I understand that it can become very hard with the one ear in and one ear out after some time as suggested.

I see that you have a strong suspicion of borderline, have you talked about this already with your partner ?

Are there any possibilities to lower the contact with your mother in law ?  How would your partner feel about that ?

Hang in there and take care !

Reg

[P.F.Change]

Just because the child has some of her DNA does not mean she has any rights to him. She will certainly disagree about that, but it's the truth. You do not have to allow any contact between your children and people you feel are not safe.

You do not have to sit back and accept her slander of you. You may even have grounds for a civil defamation of character suit. Have you considered talking with an attorney about ways to protect yourself from this and her threats to seek custody of your child?  Even if you choose not to go that route, there are things you can do to protect yourself. You may find something useful in these workshops:

Stop Accusations and Blaming:  bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=87204.0

Responding to Hostile E-Mail (BIFF): bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=133835.0

I want your husband to stand up for you. I get the feeling that is what you would prefer, too. It sounds like he has survived his mother thusfar by putting his head in the sand and capitulating to her demands, which is pretty common. Has either of you ever considered talking with a counselor about the strain your MIL adds to your marriage?

Wishing you peace,

PF

[ForeverDad]

My mother in law is currently launching a full-fledged smear campaign against me, my husband as well, but I'm the primary target.

Possibly because she can get you to react?  While simply 'ignoring' her as your husband does may not be the best answer, you may have to try to go LC (Low/Limited Contact) with her as much as possible.

She's telling everyone with an ear to hear that Im a slut and I cheat on her son, that I sit in my "filthy" house and do drugs all day. None of this is true, but she wont accept that.

If the others know you at all then they'll know that's false.  If she cons them, well, nothing much to do about that if they believe her over their own eyes.

Accept that MIL will never really listen to you no matter how much you protest and no matter how much you prove otherwise.  She is who she is and what she is.

I have a son from a previous relationship and shes told numerous people that I have a beautiful son that I don't deserve and that she will have custody of him before its all over with.

Impossible.  For that to happen you'd have to die without blood relatives and your husband virtually hand your son over to her.  Never going to happen.  It's vicious bluster meant to tear you down.  Don't gift her that power over you.  Don't let her rent a room in your head.

Ive talked her out of suicide too many times to count and now that shes threatening my family and as sick as it sounds... .I wish I hadn't.

If she's as old as she is and she's still alive, then you never, not once, talked her out of suicide.  More likely than not it was a sick ploy to manipulate you, a control tactic.

Optional, discuss with your husband first since it could have repercussions:  Next time she talks of suicide, get a recording of it on the sly (as proof that you will need later) and then call Emergency Services such as 911 to report a suicidal person.  Of course, when they arrive she will deny ever saying such a thing and claim you lied and that's when you play the recording for them.  I doubt she'll do that a second time.  And especially not when she gets the bill.  Likely you'd be the first person to ever do the right thing, that is, reporting suicidal ideation so it can be handled by the responsible professionals.

The point is that when a person threatens suicide, you're not the expert to discern whether a person is really contemplating it or saying it to manipulate you.  Leave it to the trained emergency responders or the hospital staff during the 72 hour psych hold.

Its something new every week... some new delusion of how shes being SO wronged and no one loves her, and of course its everyones fault but her own... .Its like a nightmare rollercoaster.

It's all about HER.  She's a master Blamer and Blame Shifter.  She has to play the know-it-all, the victim, the whatever.  Don't let her guilt you or persecute you into doing anything you wouldn't do otherwise, that would be letting her control you and that's what gives her her kicks in life.

I want your husband to stand up for you. I get the feeling that is what you would prefer, too. It sounds like he has survived his mother thus far by putting his head in the sand and capitulating to her demands, which is pretty common. Has either of you ever considered talking with a counselor about the strain your MIL adds to your marriage?

I think this is a very perceptive observation and a good suggestion to help resolve your stressful situation.

[TheBlkChildsWife]

Dear Reg,

      Thank you for your welcome. Ive actually been turning to this website for information and comfort for over a year now. I just wasn't sure what to write for my 1st post because there aren't words capable of accurately conveying the gravity of our situation, and aside from that fact, its something new every week.  I knew something was "off" with, we will call her Lilith, when she met my son for the first time when he was 7 weeks old. She started pacing, her breathing was labored and she had a panicked look in her eyes as she kept repeating over and over "He doesn't like me! He doesn't like me!"... .Keep in mind that were talking about a SEVEN week old infant. Im going to elaborate more on Lilith and how shes affecting my family... my life... in a reply to PF because he/she asked a lot of questions that I would like to answer and it would save me the time of typing it all twice, if youd like to read more.

Again... .thank you for your warm welcome.  

[TheBlkChildsWife]

PF, I started doing research 2 years ago when I noticed that one day my husband was her everything, and that she couldn't live without him, and he was ALL she had in this life... .because "Lilith" is a victim, all the time, in every way. The next day he was a worthless POS just like his Daddy(who divorced her after 30 years of marriage on the grounds of her temperament and verbal/physical spousal abuse.)So hes just like his daddy, good for nothing and doesn't care WHAT happens to Lilith. So that's when the research started. I soon found that she met almost all of the diagnostic criteria for BPD. After she spewed venom by phone for about 10 minutes I broke down and told him that this is NOT okay and he does NOT deserve to be treated this way by anyone... .especially not his mother. He got defensive and started in on me about the fact that my mother is an alcoholic. That presented the perfect opportunity for me to tell him about BPD. I said "Your absolutely right honey, my mother has a DISEASE... .and so does yours." I began telling him about BPD, and he wouldn't hear it. He said he calls it psychotic bi+*h syndrome, and that I should just ignore it like he does. Ive asked him hundreds of times since that day 2 years ago to go to counseling, individually and as a couple, and he wants nothing to do with it. After Liliths threats and smear campaign last week I told him Im done with her. DONE. Bridge burned. My sons birthday was this weekend and he told me that he had to go to his moms to get his fishing poles and that he was going to take my son with him so he could get his birthday gifts from her... .I said NO, you are not. He said if I didn't let him take him he would file for divorce. My response was if all this family is worth to you is a birthday gift that your mother will give him just to make herself feel good then we don't need  to be married anyway. I said I was done with her and I meant it and if you don't have the balls to stand up to Lilith for one freaking week that's just one more reason to end it now, because Im done with her tearing my family to shreds. Theres about to be an ultimatum in place... .therapy or divorce. Im not going to live my life on her terms. Im afraid that the reason hes so opposed to going to therapy is that he may find out that hes more like his mother than he would ever have to admit otherwise... .If its not BPD, its something. Shes really done a number on the man I love.

[ForeverDad]

In order to be around her, then he's probably an Enabler or Appeaser to some extent.  After all, she's had several decades to raise him to be that way and perhaps more.  It's possible too that he knows no other life than the one he was taught and is reluctant to make reasonable changes, she may have him convinced that any change would make him a traitor.

Divorce is a serious matter.  Ponder the various possible outcomes.  While you would likely end up being the majority time parent, that's not a guarantee and then you'd have to accept that at least some of the time your unborn child spends with him could end up being time spent with the grandmother.  Sadly, that's something lots of members have to deal with.  Not optimal but that's the way it is.

[TheBlkChildsWife]

And oh yes... .She is a MASTER manipulator. She wears the face of an upstanding Christian woman, and to the people who cant see through the façade, they have no reason not to believe that the terrible things she says about me aren't true. She even went as far as having her 16 year old daughter threaten to beat me in an inch of my life if, of course, I weren't pregnant, after I told her to stay away from me and my children. Im sorry. Im rambling. Apologies

[P.F.Change]

He said if I didn't let him take him he would file for divorce.

What a manipulative thing to say. That is an example of emotional blackmail.

As hard as it must be to have that kind of conflict in your marriage, I think you did right to protect your son. I can understand why you feel you cannot continue the way things are without therapy.  Hopefully your DH will be receptive and willing to work through these issues with you this time. Either way, you have support here.

I like that Forever Dad looks at this from a different angle. Goes to show you have lots of viable options. Hope you will keep reading and posting.

PF

[TheBlkChildsWife]

She has him wrapped around her finger by way of the commandment "Honor thy father and thy mother." backing me to a degree, but I know it wont last. We have to get to a therapist. Thank you for your advice. It feels amazing to finally communicate with people who understand what Im dealing with. Ive felt very alone in this. Thank you so much, LA

[TheBlkChildsWife]

Yes, Hes highly manipulative. Emotionally, financially, etc. One of the main reasons Im so desperate to get help. Im afraid that she may have passed a few of her undesirable traits on to him.

[P.F.Change]

She even went as far as having her 16 year old daughter threaten to beat me in an inch of my life if, of course, I weren't pregnant, after I told her to stay away from me and my children.

In my personal opinion it would be wise to continue avoiding direct contact with your MIL for the time being, and carefully document any contact you do have with her or anyone else who makes threats against you.  Threats of violence are also criminal acts and can be reported to police.

I am sorry you are going through such a difficult time.

PF

[ForeverDad]

She has him wrapped around her finger by way of the commandment "Honor thy father and thy mother." backing me to a degree, but I know it wont last. We have to get to a therapist. Thank you for your advice. It feels amazing to finally communicate with people who understand what Im dealing with. Ive felt very alone in this. Thank you so much, LA

You know, there's other Scriptures... ."That is why a man will leave his father and his mother and he must stick to his wife and they must become one flesh." -- Genesis 2:24

"In this way husbands ought to be loving their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself, for no man ever hated his own flesh; but he feeds and cherishes it, as the Christ also does the congregation, because we are members of his body. 'For this reason a man will leave [his] father and [his] mother and he will stick to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.' This sacred secret is great. Now I am speaking with respect to Christ and the congregation. Nevertheless, also, let each one of you individually so love his wife as he does himself; on the other hand, the wife should have deep respect for her husband." -- Ephesians 5:28-33

"You husbands, continue dwelling in like manner with them according to knowledge, assigning them honor as to a weaker vessel, the feminine one, since you are also heirs with them of the undeserved favor of life, in order for your prayers not to be hindered." -- 1 Peter 3:7

Yes, Hes highly manipulative. Emotionally, financially, etc. One of the main reasons Im so desperate to get help. I'm afraid that she may have passed a few of her undesirable traits on to him.

Then yes, he very well could be disordered as well.  It's been noted that sometimes those who manage to be around pwBPD (people with BPD) and aren't doormat appeasers are likely to be pwNPD.  It's sort of a yin-yang relationship, feeding off each other's needinesses.  Or maybe he grew up this way and is just as abrasive to her as she is to him and so he ended up not caring to be nice which is a problem as well.  Hard to say from here in remote peer support.

You can't fix him nor save him, only he can do that for himself.  As in, maybe you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.  If he ultimately continues to refuse to address this issue, then it's up to you to decide what to do.

A likely legal aspect:  If he is not your son's father and if he doesn't adopt him, then he has no legal right to demand to take your son anywhere you don't approve.  Of course if he's not listening... .

[Reg]

Hi again TheBlkChildsWife,

To be honest, after reading your first post, I already had the impression that there was more happening then you were telling in the introduction.  Seems it is right.

People with borderline have usually not a very good influence on their children.  My former stepdaughter is 12 now and I remarked that she also has fears of abandonment and can't cope in a healthy way with any personal losses in life.  It is just one of the problems, her mother is denying as well... . 

Her mother daughter talks she had, most of the time after I had told her she needed to do it, were not very deep, rather superficial.  But most of the time it was denial, till I proved to be right, by what her daughter said or did.

From the mothers side it was all about not to have to face any shame or guilt that it is due to her and the BPD... .

What is a bit surprising to me, is the denial of problems by your husband as well.  It has been said here that this could be NPD or BPD but of course that is up to a specialist to decide.  It could be... .

Also there's a 60% chance for BPD coming from heredity.  It doesn't mean that he is BPD or it could be a mild form, as I suspect my ex MIL had, but that was nothing severe.  There were some characteristics, nothing more, and not up to me to decide on the matter.

The hardest thing with borderline is that many of them live in complete denial of their problem.  This was my situation with my former partner as well.  Denial, and often external influence.  In the case of your MIL there's another additional denial of the problem of alcohol if I get it right.

I do think it would be interesting to join [L5]  Coping and Healing from a BPD Parent, Sibling, or Inlaw Board and see what others have been doing in this situation. 

I think it would be interesting as well to tell something more on the general behavior of you husband as well, as I see you mention the word manipulative on various subjects as well.  I was also wondering how he copes with personal loss in his life... .

Therapy would be a good thing, but of course, as ForeverDad said, you can take the horse to the water etc.

Maybe he would be more willing if you can bring up the matter of to work both and together on the marriage ?  Did you try to bring this message to him as positive as possible ?  Or was it in the heat of a moment ?

It is a serious rollercoaster ride you've been on, now let's turn to the positive side of things, how your situation can be ameliorated.

Take care and hang in there !

Reg