Moving on from a relationship with a cousin

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi Everyone,

I'm at wits end and I haven't been sleeping well for the past two weeks. I have a cousin who I suspect has BPD, but he hasn't been diagnosed with it nor does he accept he has any problems. He is extremely quick tempered and his anger can be triggered by things as little as perceived tone of voice or even body language. He is narcissistic and and often chooses the opposite answer in conversations even when they contradict things he said in the past. On his good days, he's extremely helpful and often the first to offer advice or car maintenance (he knows a lot about cars). He likes to be the go to guy for advice, but the moment you question any of his "expertise" who goes off the handle. He often claims that everyone blames him for their problems and that even though he helps people out, they never return the favor.  He's depressed and often talks about killing himself or why other people don't do the same. He just turned 36 and hasn't had a job since he was 19 and lives with his parents and brother. When confronted about these issues, he snaps back and often points out the issues of others. He takes any advice as criticism and often takes positive points of view as arrogance. Though he hasn't ever acted out in violence physically (he's 5'2", he owns a gun and often uses threats of violence to "put you in your place." Basically, anyone in his life placates him by often agreeing with everything he has to say. This often feeds his narcissism and he uses that as points in arguments he makes - "I asked everyone and they agree with me." So yeah, he's really fun to be around.

We're around the same age and I really didn't know until fairly recently how he was. Of course, we'd only meet up every other week and the conversation were light then. Things changed when we started a business. Yes, I took the opposite advice of everyone who says "don't do business with family or friends." Even my mother forbade me with doing business with him - though she'd never tell me why.  I'd often say "you don't know him like I do." I couldn't see it of course.  

Seven years ago he brought to me the idea of running an internet business. I telecommuted from home and could have used the extra income. I had the money and the know how and he could provide the labor and the time since I had a full time job. Things went ok in the first few weeks and quickly went south as we butted heads. I went quickly into debt and he often asked why he wasn't getting paid. He couldn't understand that we weren't profitable and that I was living paycheck to paycheck. He soon left and started a new business that closed down in a year. I carried on with the business and we're now in the black and doing fairly well.

After his business closed my cousin made it a point to visit me everyday to "see how I was doing."  His house is only three blocks from the warehouse so he started to plant himself as a permanent fixture at my warehouse and took an empty office space. As the business started to grow he became more depressed, agitated and was more passive aggressive with me; though I never showed it bothered me. I could tell he wanted to have verbal outbursts, but he'd bite his tongue and would often tell me a story of how there was  a hit out on me that was called off when I annoyed him.  He'd repeat that story a few more times during the years. I don't know why I didn't keep my distance and established boundaries then, but I was scared and felt a little guilty the way our lives were headed. I learned like everyone else to placate him by agreeing with everything he said. Things went well and we didn't have a major verbal tiff in 4 years and I even enjoyed some the times with him, but I knew someday things would come to a head and he would blow up again.  

A week ago I was pretty much fed up with his behavior at my warehouse. He'd often converse with everyone on the floor of the warehouse and take up their time. He's the type to talk without acknowledgement or a response from others. We're in our busy season so I plain as day asked him not to do that during business hours. He went ballistic and started throwing things and knocking down products. I asked why he overreacted over a little comment like that. He left and came back to berate me over how I stole money from him and the business. He told me that I walked on his back to get to where I was and how I took everything and left him with nothing. He repeated the story of how there was a hit on me now mentioned his thug friend by name and how he called it off. He said he had a gun and bullets (I've seen it in more pleasant times) and how he had nothing to lose and I had everything to lose. My employees and I sat there in a stupor paralyzed with fear. He packed his car with everything and took off. A day later he texted me and told me he would give me one more chance to resolve this "for the sake of the family" and if I didn't resolve it, "you're my enemy and remember YOU jacked me." I left it that not knowing how to respond.

I have basically been living in fear for the past few days and I don't know if I am overreacting or not. I've talked to family, friends and even the police, but no one knows how to answer. I don't know if I should believe his words. Just recently his parents came down to my warehouse to discuss the situation and they acknowledge his problems and they do not know what to do themselves. His brother doesn't want to involve himself. His mom wants me to email him to resolve it, but it's not that easy and I wouldn't know what to say to calm him down. He overanalyzes things and any wrong word or phrases he'll take out of context and go off again. Now his mom is calling me everyday begging me to resolve it with him. She doesn't speak english very well nor do I speak vietnamese so now she's involving her friend to translate. I'd rather just move on with my life and sever ties with him, but I do love my aunt and uncle. I'd like to forget about this and move on, but I know my cousin can't let go of things and he will not be able to move on from this.

Anyone have a person like this in their life? How do you move on? Should I just ignore the situation and pray for the best or should I confront someone who hasn't listened to anyone for the better part of his life? I'm out of answers.

[tetsuo13]

Hi Everyone,

I'm at wits end and I haven't been sleeping well for the past two weeks. I have a cousin who I suspect has BPD, but he hasn't been diagnosed with it nor does he accept he has any problems. He is extremely quick tempered and his anger can be triggered by things as little as perceived tone of voice or even body language. He is narcissistic and and often chooses the opposite answer in conversations even when they contradict things he said in the past. On his good days, he's extremely helpful and often the first to offer advice or car maintenance (he knows a lot about cars). He likes to be the go to guy for advice, but the moment you question any of his "expertise" who goes off the handle. He often claims that everyone blames him for their problems and that even though he helps people out, they never return the favor.  He's depressed and often talks about killing himself or why other people don't do the same. He just turned 36 and hasn't had a job since he was 19 and lives with his parents and brother. When confronted about these issues, he snaps back and often points out the issues of others. He takes any advice as criticism and often takes positive points of view as arrogance. Though he hasn't ever acted out in violence physically (he's 5'2", he owns a gun and often uses threats of violence to "put you in your place." Basically, anyone in his life placates him by often agreeing with everything he has to say. This often feeds his narcissism and he uses that as points in arguments he makes - "I asked everyone and they agree with me." So yeah, he's really fun to be around.

We're around the same age and I really didn't know until fairly recently how he was. Of course, we'd only meet up every other week and the conversation were light then. Things changed when we started a business. Yes, I took the opposite advice of everyone who says "don't do business with family or friends." Even my mother forbade me with doing business with him - though she'd never tell me why.  I'd often say "you don't know him like I do." I couldn't see it of course.  

Seven years ago he brought to me the idea of running an internet business. I telecommuted from home and could have used the extra income. I had the money and the know how and he could provide the labor and the time since I had a full time job. Things went ok in the first few weeks and quickly went south as we butted heads. I went quickly into debt and he often asked why he wasn't getting paid. He couldn't understand that we weren't profitable and that I was living paycheck to paycheck. He soon left and started a new business that closed down in a year. I carried on with the business and we're now in the black and doing fairly well.

After his business closed my cousin made it a point to visit me everyday to "see how I was doing."  His house is only three blocks from the warehouse so he started to plant himself as a permanent fixture at my warehouse and took an empty office space. As the business started to grow he became more depressed, agitated and was more passive aggressive with me; though I never showed it bothered me. I could tell he wanted to have verbal outbursts, but he'd bite his tongue and would often tell me a story of how there was  a hit out on me that was called off when I annoyed him.  He'd repeat that story a few more times during the years. I don't know why I didn't keep my distance and established boundaries then, but I was scared and felt a little guilty the way our lives were headed. I learned like everyone else to placate him by agreeing with everything he said. Things went well and we didn't have a major verbal tiff in 4 years and I even enjoyed some the times with him, but I knew someday things would come to a head and he would blow up again.  

A week ago I was pretty much fed up with his behavior at my warehouse. He'd often converse with everyone on the floor of the warehouse and take up their time. He's the type to talk without acknowledgement or a response from others. We're in our busy season so I plain as day asked him not to do that during business hours. He went ballistic and started throwing things and knocking down products. I asked why he overreacted over a little comment like that. He left and came back to berate me over how I stole money from him and the business. He told me that I walked on his back to get to where I was and how I took everything and left him with nothing. He repeated the story of how there was a hit on me now mentioned his thug friend by name and how he called it off. He said he had a gun and bullets (I've seen it in more pleasant times) and how he had nothing to lose and I had everything to lose. My employees and I sat there in a stupor paralyzed with fear. He packed his car with everything and took off. A day later he texted me and told me he would give me one more chance to resolve this "for the sake of the family" and if I didn't resolve it, "you're my enemy and remember YOU jacked me." I left it that not knowing how to respond.

I have basically been living in fear for the past few days and I don't know if I am overreacting or not. I've talked to family, friends and even the police, but no one knows how to answer. I don't know if I should believe his words. Just recently his parents came down to my warehouse to discuss the situation and they acknowledge his problems and they do not know what to do themselves. His brother doesn't want to involve himself. His mom wants me to email him to resolve it, but it's not that easy and I wouldn't know what to say to calm him down. He overanalyzes things and any wrong word or phrases he'll take out of context and go off again. Now his mom is calling me everyday begging me to resolve it with him. She doesn't speak english very well nor do I speak vietnamese so now she's involving her friend to translate. I'd rather just move on with my life and sever ties with him, but I do love my aunt and uncle. I'd like to forget about this and move on, but I know my cousin can't let go of things and he will not be able to move on from this.

Anyone have a person like this in their life? How do you move on? Should I just ignore the situation and pray for the best or should I confront someone who hasn't listened to anyone for the better part of his life? I'm out of answers.

[Surnia]

Hi tetsuo13

and 

I am really sorry what brought you here. Being menaced with rages by someone with a gun is scary! Sounds like your cousin has serious mental health problems.

I think you did the right thing to speak to family members and the police even if the outcome was not what you had expected.

What I can see, is you have to deal not only with him but also with his mom who is calling you everyday. What about validate her feelings and stay your ground that you would like to move on? Like: "I can feel your worries about how things are right now with cousin and me. I don't see any chance to sort it out by an email."

My advice with persons with N traits is try to avoid arguments. Which is sometimes not easy.

What did the cousin in the past week? Did he stay away from your warehouse?

Please stay in touch, tetsuo13

Surnia