advice.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

after last weeks engagement attempts she was successful. No recycles but alot of conversations which resulted in arguing. I know it does no good to try and make our feelings understood but i just cant seem to resist trying. She told me she was interested in someone else. I told her thank you that was all I needed to hear and I hung up the phone. a few hours later she texts that she had used wrong the wrong wording that she was just texting someone as a distraction. Im thinking yeah right. later we talked again and it resulted in more arguing. No matter what I said she heard the way she wanted to. havent heard anything in about 30 hours from her. No text or phone calls.

My question is Would a good repsonse  be when she does call or reach out again. for me to say I do love you,I wish you well but Im not going to play second fiddle to anyone. I wish you the best but please do not contact me anymore by call or texting.

My reasoning. I do want it to sting her a bit and I also want her to stop calling me. When she does call or text I cant resist for a while but eventully I cave in. I wont say I dont wnat back with her I very much do. But my logic and common sense know it wont change and based on our convesation the other day Nothing has change. BUt maybe by asking her not to contact me she will and it stings she will just stop. I cnat change my number even if I could she will egt it through or work. Ive blocked her today on facebook, and that is more for me then her. So I wont be tempted to look at hers. She still has one picture of us up. She took the other down right after break up but left one up.

[mitchell16]

after last weeks engagement attempts she was successful. No recycles but alot of conversations which resulted in arguing. I know it does no good to try and make our feelings understood but i just cant seem to resist trying. She told me she was interested in someone else. I told her thank you that was all I needed to hear and I hung up the phone. a few hours later she texts that she had used wrong the wrong wording that she was just texting someone as a distraction. Im thinking yeah right. later we talked again and it resulted in more arguing. No matter what I said she heard the way she wanted to. havent heard anything in about 30 hours from her. No text or phone calls.

My question is Would a good repsonse  be when she does call or reach out again. for me to say I do love you,I wish you well but Im not going to play second fiddle to anyone. I wish you the best but please do not contact me anymore by call or texting.

My reasoning. I do want it to sting her a bit and I also want her to stop calling me. When she does call or text I cant resist for a while but eventully I cave in. I wont say I dont wnat back with her I very much do. But my logic and common sense know it wont change and based on our convesation the other day Nothing has change. BUt maybe by asking her not to contact me she will and it stings she will just stop. I cnat change my number even if I could she will egt it through or work. Ive blocked her today on facebook, and that is more for me then her. So I wont be tempted to look at hers. She still has one picture of us up. She took the other down right after break up but left one up.

[turtle]

My question is Would a good repsonse  be when she does call or reach out again. for me to say I do love you,I wish you well but Im not going to play second fiddle to anyone. I wish you the best but please do not contact me anymore by call or texting.

Have you ever told her not to contact you?

If you haven't -- and if you MEAN it -- why wait for her to contact you?  If you are serious -- no waffling -- then why not send her a text that simply says. "It's best if we don't speak.  Please do not contact me further."  IMO, I'd leave out the I love you part and the I wish you well part.  You've already said these things many times, right?

If you're not serious - then don't say anything.

Asking her not to contact you is for YOU.  She likely won't abide by your request and if you are not ready (and even if you ARE ready,) it will be difficult when she tests the waters - which she WILL do.  Are you ready for that?

Are you really ready to go NC?

turtle

[mitchell16]

turtle, Honestly I dont know what to. I ready to stopped being toyed with and stopping being in pain. Part of me, that part that is angry and whats to hurt her somewhat wants to let her contact me and then reject her. I know that sounds petty and childish. BUt thats they way i feel right now. I dont engage her. I dont pursue her I just try to let it be. her go her way and I go mine. But when she contacts me it almost like she knows jdut waht buttons the push to get me to respond to her. and as long as I play nice, tell her how much i love her, fawn all over her she is fine. If she opens the door to talk about what went wrong, I think we are talking and all of a sudden im ambushed in the fight for my life. She dont live in my town but she works her, now she has made it her sole place to hang out. When we were togther I couldnt get her to hardly come her.

I have asked her not to call me, she wanted to weeks and then started texting and said ' you didnt tell me i couldnt  text" then she started back calling. Then showed up at my house drunk and had sex and the abandoned me again. 2 weeks of of silence and she then send  some of my stuff back to me. Then she text, Ignore and then later that night more text start rolling in all sweet and nice and then turns mean. texting and phone calls all weekend and then nothing.

In my mind by letting her call or text me again. I get some power and I can hurt her back by rejecting her. once again I know it is silly and childish and I feel foolish wanting to do that but Why do we as non always seem to have to be the good person. we do they get to hurt and will and expect evreyone else to treat them so kind

I dont not like being a mean person, not my nature but sometimes Id like my pound of flesh so to speak.

[mitchell16]

and maybe by rejecting her so hard I will finaly burn a bridge that she wont want to ever return. I dont know.

[bpdspell]

In my mind by letting her call or text me again. I get some power and I can hurt her back by rejecting her. once again I know it is silly and childish and I feel foolish wanting to do that but Why do we as non always seem to have to be the good person. we do they get to hurt and will and expect evreyone else to treat them so kind

I dont not like being a mean person, not my nature but sometimes Id like my pound of flesh so to speak.

Hey Mitchell,

I get that your caught up in wanting to reject her because you're hurt too but this will not change the fact that she's mentally ill.

I have a restraining order against my ex and he still violates it from time to time with random texts and blocked calls. I don't answer nor respond because I am standing in my decision to move on. Moving on from them hurts them the most; not playing tit for tat games because those are games that they like and play very well. When there's two playing they are masters at tugging your puppet strings. And you cannot play games with a mentally ill person because you will lose. We don't think like them and we will never win at their game.

Tit for tat games will not heal you from your hurt. Perhaps they'll make you feel temporarily better but in the long run they will keep you in a place of stuckness and wondering why she can't get better so that you guys can both be happy.

Wanting to do to our ex's what they have done to us makes us human. We want revenge by avenging them but they have to live with themselves everyday and that's punishment enough. They live live's of misery, loneliness, shame and dark emotional pain. It's a devastating cycle that lives out in their brains and plays itself out over and over and over again.

I think that's the rub. Most of us have a really difficult time understanding how sick and damaged they are and how much this hurts them on an intense level. Whatever pain they are making us feel I would say theirs is tripled and most certain a lifetime of pain due to their inability to attach to others in a healthy way.

We don't always have to be the good person. We can retaliate, rebuff, or get revenge but it will always be at our expense so it's totally not worth it in the end.

And it's certainly not true that everyone treats them so kindly. Hell. They don't treat themselves kindly. I know for a fact that a lot of people don't particularly care for my ex and wish he would drop off the face of the earth. Our ex's are disliked by many because they piss a lot of people off. Not just us.

We think they're so happy because they're with new supply, or sexing up the next person but they are empty. And emptiness hurts more than you'll ever know.

Spell

[turtle]

turtle, Honestly I dont know what to. I ready to stopped being toyed with and stopping being in pain.

Well... .first of all... ..  I'm sorry you're hurting.  These relationships HURT!

IMO -- the only way you can stop being toyed with and being hurt is to STOP engaging with her -- AT ALL!   One day, you will come to the realization that contact -- ANY contact equals PAIN.  Maybe not in the exact moment of contact, but eventually... .you WILL get hurt.  History tells you this is true.

You cannot expect her to be different.  She is NOT going to be different.  You can only control YOU and the YOU that doesn't want to hurt anymore needs to leave her alone.  And that's hard.  Very hard.  However... .you KNOW what talking to her via text, email, snail mail, or anything else ends up doing to YOU!  YOU have to choose not to participate in that anymore.  And you won't choose that until the pain of engaging with her is greater than the pain of being without her.  You might have to go a few more rounds until you've had enough.

Part of me, that part that is angry and whats to hurt her somewhat wants to let her contact me and then reject her. I know that sounds petty and childish. BUt thats they way i feel right now.

You are assuming that this will hurt her the same way that it hurts you.  It won't.

But when she contacts me it almost like she knows jdut waht buttons the push to get me to respond to her.

She DOES know what buttons to push and she knows it works.

I think we are talking and all of a sudden im ambushed in the fight for my life.

There is NO relationship that is worth feeling that you are ambushed and are fighting for your life.  Especially a relationship with someone who you "love."  This is toxic Mitchell16.

I have asked her not to call me, she wanted to weeks and then started texting and said ' you didnt tell me i couldnt  text" then she started back calling.

This is semantics.  That's why --- if you are ready -- REALLY ready to go NC, you have to say "do not contact me in any way."

Then showed up at my house drunk and had sex and the abandoned me again. 2 weeks of of silence and she then send  some of my stuff back to me. Then she text, Ignore and then later that night more text start rolling in all sweet and nice and then turns mean. texting and phone calls all weekend and then nothing.

She's playing you like a fiddle.  She does this crap because she knows she can get away with it.

In my mind by letting her call or text me again. I get some power and I can hurt her back by rejecting her. once again I know it is silly and childish and I feel foolish wanting to do that

I think this is a normal reaction, mitchell16.  However... .you have to remember that you are not dealing with "normal" here.  She will not be hurt by your rejecting her - at least not in the way you think she'll be hurt.  :)o you think your rejection is going to cause her to apologize and want to make things right?  I would bet every dollar I have that won't happen.

but Why do we as non always seem to have to be the good person. we do they get to hurt and will and expect evreyone else to treat them so kind

You... .the non we are talking about here... .doesn't have to be the "good person" and you don't have to "treat her kind."  Besides... .who is to say that saying goodbye to her is the kindest thing you could do for her?  And more importantly, isn't it the kindest thing you can do for YOU?

I dont not like being a mean person, not my nature but sometimes Id like my pound of flesh so to speak.

No one here thinks you're mean because of your feelings about this.  Trust me... .I went through MANY thoughts and feelings of wanting my own "pound of flesh."  These feelings are normal.  

The reality is that your "pound of flesh" will probably come in the form of indifference. At least that's how it happened for me. When she realizes that she can't use you as her whipping boy, that will be your "pound of flesh."  And that doesn't happen in a day, a week, or even a year.  When you choose NC and STICK to it, YOU change.  Then one day, NC isn't a struggle.  Years from now, this behavior of hers won't even be on your radar -- and you certainly wouldn't let it into your world.

turtle

[mitchell16]

thanks that all great advice. Maybe I just hurt so bad that i just want to lash out her. I dont know its just so frustrating. Like she has no feelings and could care less about anything or atleast that how it appears.

[turtle]

Well... .maybe it's time to stop putting so much stock in how SHE feels, what SHE wants, and what SHE'S doing.

Maybe it's time to start rebuilding YOUR life -- without HER BS!  What would that look like for you, Mitchell16?

turtle

[Ironmanrises]

Mitchell,

The more you expose yourself to her... .

The more she will hurt you again and again.

For your well being... .

Try and go NC... .

Close your Facebook.

Cut down on all possible ways she can contact you.

Otherwise, you will be in this spiral of hurt and destruction with only you taking all the brunt of that.

[Learning_curve74]

mitchell16, you cannot hurt her anymore than she's already hurting herself. The most devastating thing for her is for you to never reply.

You can ask her not to contact you all you want, but it doesn't change the fact that she might still contact you. The only thing you can control is to not reply.

[mitchell16]

thanks. I guess everyone is  right. I just still get so angry that she doesnt want me, but doesnt want me to move on. I avoid her and try mybest at nc and she still keeps trying. I know I allow her this control over me but still a small part of me wants to make it work. She shows me little bits and pieces that she might have changed and then bam it shows its ugly head again. I guess Ive still not accepted 100 pecent she mentally ill. I beleive she had BPD, all the symptoms macth down to teh fact of how she acting right. drop me a text or call every 7 to 8 days. showing up at my house drunk wanting sex and then saying she cant do it anymore and then leaving. already lining up or has lined my replacement. but I still havent acccepted it 100 percent. I guess thats why im stuck.

[mitchell16]

as far as hurting her. I feel bad that i even have those thoughts. Its just she keeps hurting me without regards to what she is doing with a care in the world. She know she is doing it. I justhad that of rejecting her when she was reaching out for me because that would be when she was vulnerable and lonley. I had in my crazy mind that it would hurt and burn a bridge at the same time. But I guess I will just give up that idea.