When we DON'T hear from them

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

So I'm 2.5 months mutual NC, three-months broken up, with ex-uBPDbf and I am itching badly to hear from him. But unlike many other board topics where the non asks for help because their exBPD person has returned, I need help reconciling that I may never hear from the ex again.

I have no intention of contacting him, but man do I miss him. I feel so weak and embarrassed just starting this post, but him being able to go this long without a word is upsetting. In the past when he would break up with me he would be back within a few days.

I knew from our last fight that it was the real end as it followed weeks of him detaching from me. As I got more serious, he became less so. So I sensed he wanted me out for good. I had drafted but didn't send an e-mail pouring out all my thoughts chronicling his emotional unavailability and how we seemed to be fundamentally broken. I was going to send it but I thought it would really kill things then and there, so I refrained. Didn't matter. The following weekend was our blow out fight where I walked out of his life. I didn't declare a breakup, but he did the next day. Maybe he interpreted me walking away from the fight at his house and staying overnight with a friend as me breaking up?

We had a flurry of mean text exchanges two weeks after the b/u, where I tried to make peace with him and yes, to test the waters to see if I could salvage anything. But he was adamant and nasty, telling me to eff-off, we were done and there was no going back. He said I sucked, was a psycho bi**h and threatened to call the cops if I continued to text him.

Anyway, that's that and I'm really trying to get past this guy. But part of me wants to know if he misses me or is having a grand old time with me out of his life. The weak, attachment-problem side of me fantasizes about having a r/s do-over with him.

We live in different cities (same state) and I know for pwBPD out of sight can be out of mind. I could be across the world and still grieving just as heavily, but it's probably easy for him to write me off because I'm out of the area.

[peas]

So I'm 2.5 months mutual NC, three-months broken up, with ex-uBPDbf and I am itching badly to hear from him. But unlike many other board topics where the non asks for help because their exBPD person has returned, I need help reconciling that I may never hear from the ex again.

I have no intention of contacting him, but man do I miss him. I feel so weak and embarrassed just starting this post, but him being able to go this long without a word is upsetting. In the past when he would break up with me he would be back within a few days.

I knew from our last fight that it was the real end as it followed weeks of him detaching from me. As I got more serious, he became less so. So I sensed he wanted me out for good. I had drafted but didn't send an e-mail pouring out all my thoughts chronicling his emotional unavailability and how we seemed to be fundamentally broken. I was going to send it but I thought it would really kill things then and there, so I refrained. Didn't matter. The following weekend was our blow out fight where I walked out of his life. I didn't declare a breakup, but he did the next day. Maybe he interpreted me walking away from the fight at his house and staying overnight with a friend as me breaking up?

We had a flurry of mean text exchanges two weeks after the b/u, where I tried to make peace with him and yes, to test the waters to see if I could salvage anything. But he was adamant and nasty, telling me to eff-off, we were done and there was no going back. He said I sucked, was a psycho bi**h and threatened to call the cops if I continued to text him.

Anyway, that's that and I'm really trying to get past this guy. But part of me wants to know if he misses me or is having a grand old time with me out of his life. The weak, attachment-problem side of me fantasizes about having a r/s do-over with him.

We live in different cities (same state) and I know for pwBPD out of sight can be out of mind. I could be across the world and still grieving just as heavily, but it's probably easy for him to write me off because I'm out of the area.

[Ironmanrises]

You want to know if he misses you?

Yes and no.

No and yes.

Both.

Either.

Or.

All the above.

That is the disorder.

Even if he returns(probability is high if he has returned before successfully)... .

You will get hurt again.

What you are feeling now... .

You will feel a magnitude worse of pain.

He will hurt you worse each time you allow him to come back into your life.

I went through 2 rounds of that.

The second time being 1000 times more painful then the first.

She left me both times.

If I were to allow her back in again(and the day is coming where that re engagement will possibly occur)... .

She will hurt me again.

Even worse then before.

I won't allow that to happen again.


Stay NC.

You need to heal.

[Emelie Emelie]

I'm sorry Peas.  Almost the exact same scenario with me.  Weeks of him pulling back followed by really hurtful behavior that caused me to walk out and then he ended it.  But unfortunately (and I'll follow up on an earlier post I made with this because I just had the most bizarre conversation with him) we have had all this unproductive hurtful contact over the last almost three months.  I understand how you feel because I would feel the same way.  But then again I have to tell you I think you're better off.  It's painful nasty stuff and I think I would have been better off without it.  In any case when we first broke up I did think he was having a grand old time without me.  He wasn't.  He does miss me.  I'm sure your guy misses you too.  They just don't know how to deal.  

[starshine]

Hey peas.  I have not heard from my uBPDexbf of 5 years in over 2 years now.  He broke up with me in a shocking and sudden manner (he tried to make love with me that morning, had me moved out by the evening)- we had minimal contact over about a month, as he had moved on publicly in 4 days, although I bet that fling was going on before he snapped. We know the pattern... .I had little contact with him until I was able to get some of my property back from him.  Since then I have avoided him, her, and any of their friends.  I really wanted him to call me for a long time, to say he was sorry and that he made a mistake.  That he wanted to try therapy with me, again.  That really he did love me- but even then, I COULDN'T have taken him back.  What he did was so public and awful, no one- including and especially myself, would have had any respect for me.  So, as painful as it has been, thank goodness he hasn't contacted me.  I get twisted up if I think I see him.  Last time I saw him I got a stye.  I can't imagine hearing his voice on my phone.  Ugh.

[seeking balance]

I have no intention of contacting him, but man do I miss him. I feel so weak and embarrassed just starting this post, but him being able to go this long without a word is upsetting.

Please do not feel embarrassed about this - sometimes, we read so much about others with exes contacting them that we think maybe my pwBPD doesn't love me, maybe they are not BPD; maybe it was me - many of us here have had this same experience.  There is not a one size fits all reason why someone may or may not contact us.  But this much is sure - no contact does not mean you were not loved.

It is ok to miss someone we love - this makes us normal and human.  In the bigger picture - 3 months is not very long even though it likely feels like a lifetime to you right now.

I have written about this before, but the same summer my uBPDexw left for good - one of my best friends husband died.  Nobody would dream of telling my friend after 3 months to not miss him.  Nor should you hold yourself to some self-imposed standard of time for your grief... .the person you loved is not in your life - it is equal to a death... .the death of a dream, the death of a connection.

Give yourself the time and space to grieve - you deserve this gift from yourself.

Peace,

SB

[ScotisGone74]

Thank you for such a helpful post Seeking Balance.    I guess what I would like to say is, no matter how these relationships end, it is going to leave a sour taste in our mouth.   When they just up and leave and move on publicly We would always like to talk to them to try to clear up our confusion and bewilderment, but looking at how some other relationships have ended on here, ie arguing, screaming, yelling, the police being involved, physical damage, etc,       be glad and Thankful you didn't get involved in any of that stuff.  As bad as it seems, believe me  it could always be much worse.   

[peas]

Thanks, Seeking. That's true, I'm experiencing the death of a connection and it's okay to miss him still. I guess I'm being hard on myself because rationally I should be celebrating that someone who caused so me so much grief is gone. It doesn't make sense, but when emotions are involved, it's a slippery slope. I'm also cautious about allowing myself to miss him because I feel if I don't moderate that, I will go into heavy rumination or obsession territory.

What upsets me is I have never before felt so close to finding a husband, to being married, and I feel that won't happen again anytime soon. I really thought, and maybe it was delusion and wishful thinking on my part, that he was it. It's like I waited my whole life for him, for us, and it's gone. 

Thanks Emelie. I have been keeping up with your progress and through you I see the other side, how it can be when they do maintain contact and challenge you with more anguish. I don't doubt my ex loved me. I think he loved me a lot. But like you said, they just can't deal.

[Emelie Emelie]

Oh Peas don't be so sure that won't happen again anytime soon.  You sound like a wonderful, intelligent, thoughtful, loving woman.  If you want to get married it will happen.  After my divorce I thought I'll never meet anyone again.  Guys my age want to date 30 year olds.  Well first I met him (God help me) who was six years younger and now I'm dating a great guy who is my age.  I don't sense there's going to be a long term relationship with new guy but my point is I didn't think I'd meet anybody.  When you're ready let people know you'd like to meet someone.  I was introduced to new guy by a mutual friend.  Dreams die hard.  I know that.  The grief is real and it's hard.  But if you want it to happen it will.  And this time it will be someone who deserves you.

[seeking balance]

What upsets me is I have never before felt so close to finding a husband, to being married, and I feel that won't happen again anytime soon. I really thought, and maybe it was delusion and wishful thinking on my part, that he was it. It's like I waited my whole life for him, for us, and it's gone. 

I know it hurts to put your hopes & dreams on someone only to have it fall apart - I really do.

It's ok to be sad, but keep in mind - the dream you had was never - and I mean EVER - going to be your reality with this pwBPD... .it just wouldn't have been.

Cry until you are done and remember that life will work out, it always does. 

One of my favorite quotes I heard over the last year was from the movie Best Exotic Marigold Hotel -

"But it's also true that the person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing. All we know about the future is that it will be different.  But perhaps what we fear is that it will be the same, so we must celebrate the changes, because, as someone once said, everything will be all right in the end, and if it's not all right, then trust me, it is not yet the end"

You will be ok - give yourself the time to process the emotions... .

Peace,

SB

[peas]

Definitely, Emelie, I am staying positive. I am a hopeful person and I usually attract nice men. I often feel that things will be okay and will work out. But then I start getting anxious and thinking the worst scenarios. I'm also being impatient, which isn't helpful. I am a nice, loving, caring person and I know I deserve a person who will respect me and be interested in me and not hurt me to make himself feel good.

Funny, but my ex is four years younger than me. I am on the lookout for a stable man closer to my age, maybe older. That is what I plan to hold out for.

I'm feeling better reading the responses in this thread. I'm glad I was vulnerable and just said, Hey people, I'm struggling here with this. At first I felt ashamed for seeming weak. I'm trying so hard to be strong.   

[fiddlestix]

We will all meet new people.  As we emerge from this dark place and begin walking with our heads up and shoulders upright, we will exude more confidence.  Hopefully, we are wiser now.  We know more about ourselves, and why we stayed in the thick of an abusive relationship.  Red flags are more obvious now.  In fact, I kind of/sort of have a new lady friend after 1.5 year out of my 23 year marriage (divorce pending).  I am not ready for full sexual intimacy (we did for a while, but it was too emotional for me). My new friend is kind, sweet, gentle, respectful, calm, honest, caring, loyal... .  After a year of friendship, no red flags.  We are good friends... .maybe lovers some day.  I am in no hurry.  I am just enjoying the company of a good woman who doesn't freak me out.  She understands my anguish about my ex and knows that I need time to heal. 

I am still hoping to get to the point where I don't care if my ex BPD wife contacts me again.  I am not there yet; I still kind of look for a text here and there.  That tells me I am on her sonar screen somewhere.  I know it shouldn't matter; I guess after all the years we had together I hope I left an imprint on her heart and mind in some way.  But I know she doesn't think about me too much.  She is in the idealization phase with her new guy (14 years her junior).  Maybe when/if that fails she will re-engage me again. 

Fiddlestix

[EnigmaSoul]

I am going through the same thing right now... .one month of no contact, and I know my ex... .he won't contact me again, and i'm reading about how others get contacted again, and part of me was hoping for the other same thing too... .almost jealous.

But everyone here is correct... .that is so much worse... .we can't see it right now... .it's too early... .but we really are the lucky ones...

[huhhuh]

I'm so confused about the lack of contact.

Are we getting the silent treatment or do they want us out of their lives?

[Ironmanrises]

Huhhuh,

Silent treatment is the usual precursor to the discard in devaluation.

They want the non out of their lives.

Why?

Because we triggered them.

Because they are disordered.

Some of them cheat in the process.

Some of them do not.

Regardless... .

We are no longer wanted in their world.

A disordered world.

Stay NC.

Do not allow them back in.

[peas]

EnigmaSoul, yes, I "know' my ex too. He's proud and stubborn and misguided emotionally. He's not the type to look weak with contact after he and I parted badly. When he paints black, so to speak, he paints black. I asked him once if he was ever in contact with his ex wife and he said no. He said when she left, that was it and he wanted nothing to do with her again. He has amazing moving on abilities. I don't.

People say we are the lucky ones to not have to deal with our exes. I don't feel lucky now. Which is wrong, but that's just what I'm going through. I feel like he is going to easily go to the next person and continue where he left off with me -- wanting to get married, buy a house and start having kids. He has no shortage of admirers. It's like I primed him and put in a bunch of work to have that, only for him to choose someone else. And of course I feel like I will be single and miserable indefinitely. That's the unhealthy loop playing in my head.

Sometimes I wish I had BPD abilities to quickly change partners, emotions and memory and just run with it.

[Ironmanrises]

They dont process the ending of a relationship the way we do.

That is why they appear to move so fast.

But then they return.

Again and again.

Why?

Cause they never truly ended the relationship with us to begin with.

That is nothing to envy.

They are disordered.

Unstable.

He will treat the next person exactly like the way he treated you.

They do not stop.

That is the disorder.

[DragoN]

Anyway, that's that and I'm really trying to get past this guy. But part of me wants to know if he misses me or is having a grand old time with me out of his life. The weak, attachment-problem side of me fantasizes about having a r/s do-over with him.

I do not know how long was your r/s, but from my long experience, this was part of the addiction. The break up, the reconciliation. After each "break up" which was emotionally traumatic, the pwBPD would come back. And the addiction / emotional trauma would be soothed. Perhaps this is really the crux of part of the problem. The other, is genuinely caring about your partner.

I know for pwBPD out of sight can be out of mind. I could be across the world and still grieving just as heavily, but it's probably easy for him to write me off because I'm out of the area.

That is the sad truth.

[Ironmanrises]

Out of sight... .Out of mind.

Or so it seems... .

They want it to appear that way to you.

An illusion of power.

Of control.

If you read a lot of the accounts on here... .

The pwBPD comes back more times then not.

Stalking behavior is exhibited more times then not.

Even when they are with someone else... .

They still reach out.

You are very much in their thoughts... .

Especially if you got close.

You have become a trigger for their disordered behavior.

[snappafcw]

It was three months that I last heard from my ex via that email... .

Since that time

- Some guy that I don't know messages me fishing for information about me and my BPDex asking why we are not together ect. His profile is sus and says he is from another state but when his notifications come up on facebook he is from the same suburb as my ex... .sus... .

- Ex Randomly messages me and asks if I casually have a song... .Like really?

The thing is even if you don't hear from them they are always fishing and when things with their new target do not work out you can bet they are stalking your profile most likely even if they will never contact you... .

They live in torment and in the past we dont have to.

[Ironmanrises]

It was three months that I last heard from my ex via that email... .

Since that time

- Some guy that I don't know messages me fishing for information about me and my BPDex asking why we are not together ect. His profile is sus and says he is from another state but when his notifications come up on facebook he is from the same suburb as my ex... .sus... .

- Ex Randomly messages me and asks if I casually have a song... .Like really?

The thing is even if you don't hear from them they are always fishing and when things with their new target do not work out you can bet they are stalking your profile most likely even if they will never contact you... .

They live in torment and in the past we dont have to.

Good point.

[DragoN]

You have become a trigger for their disordered behavior.

The closer you are/ were the worse the behavior.

They live in torment and in the past we dont have to.

That is the huge difference. We are not trapped in the temporal bind and twisted, black and white shame filled thinking. They are forever tortured with it. The errors of their actions may at times torment them enough to reach out, but only if their current r/s is falling apart. There is not introspection into the demise of the r/s but rather a desire to find an instant fix or band aid for the current pain.

[happylogist]

Sometimes I wish I had BPD abilities to quickly change partners, emotions and memory and just run with it.

Oh, no! It comes with a heavy package of shame, self-loathing and  not-knowing who you are... .

[snappafcw]

Everyday my heart wishes we could have one more conversation and end things amicably and in kindness until my head reminds me that they are not capable of such communication in the first place... .

It still really hurts me but realising this is the closure right there the hardest part is accepting it and I am not all the way there yet... .

[Jbt857]

EnigmaSoul, yes, I "know' my ex too. He's proud and stubborn and misguided emotionally. He's not the type to look weak with contact after he and I parted badly. When he paints black, so to speak, he paints black. I asked him once if he was ever in contact with his ex wife and he said no. He said when she left, that was it and he wanted nothing to do with her again. He has amazing moving on abilities. I don't.

People say we are the lucky ones to not have to deal with our exes. I don't feel lucky now. Which is wrong, but that's just what I'm going through. I feel like he is going to easily go to the next person and continue where he left off with me -- wanting to get married, buy a house and start having kids. He has no shortage of admirers. It's like I primed him and put in a bunch of work to have that, only for him to choose someone else. And of course I feel like I will be single and miserable indefinitely. That's the unhealthy loop playing in my head.

Sometimes I wish I had BPD abilities to quickly change partners, emotions and memory and just run with it.

I really hear you on this. I know I'll hear from mine because we have some practicalities that will necessitate it, but in the future? he's so black and whit that its entirely feasible I'll never hear from him again. 

And in your head it hurts when you worked so hard on making them a better person, and you feel someone else has the benefit.

Of course, the truth is that they will get the same cr*p that we did. But it doesn't feel like that, and it doesn't feel fair that we can't just flip to the next page like they can.

[willbegood]

Hi Peas, I can relate. I could see the detachment for months but the last fight I could tell was the last one for her. Difference is I can contact her and she'll usually respond. All it ends up being is a quick fix. Just like any drug.

Like you I put a tremendous amount of work into my relationship. When she responds to my messages she doesn't say one nice thing. Not one bit of remorse. Not the slightest attempt at an apology. Just letting me know how much she hates me, never loved me, I should've gotten the hint a long time ago... .then just starts up with the victim nonsense.

Like I said to my ex... .I can be alone I just don't want to be. She can't be alone. Even though you or I may think we'll never find someone else. It will happen. And it's good that it doesn't happen right now. It's not a good idea to get into a relationship until we're happy being alone.

[peas]

Snap and Ironman, I think you are correct: they do tend to stalk from a distance. I may never hear from him again, but I have suspicion he has checked up on me on social media. I do not have proof, but I know he's capable.

When we were together we were on Facebook briefly, but after a couple arguments he refused to be my friend on Facebook (yeah, that's messed up. It was a power thing). He still looked at my profile. He made a couple comments about my profile when we weren't connected. One time he suggested I change my profile picture. Also, during a couple fights he brought up some FB photos -- old ones from deep in my albums that were from before I met him -- and used them as a tool for argument. He also brought up some ancient posts I had. I got the sense he scoured my profile good. Oh, and he wanted me to remove my phone number from my FB about page.

He blocked me from FB after the b/u and I have not checked whether I'm unblocked. I don't want to look at anything about him online. I'll be damned if I ever type in his name anywhere in an online search field. He is dead to me online.  

[Ironmanrises]

It is why i permanently closed my facebook and instagram.

Simply blocking them doesnt fully protect you... .

They can easily stalk you via a fake account(mine did this)... .

Now she has no idea at all of what i am doing.

I am completely off the grid.

[snappafcw]

I dont have the luxury of deleting social media i rely on it heavily for my career and its very public with 8000 members between my fan page and personal page on facebook (wonder how many are fake stalker accounts) However I am proud of the self control I have had to not look at her media (blocker her where i can) and to stop people trying to give me info... .

Moving on all comes from within you. I think baby steps and a minute at a time is the best way. Its really important you dont check their social media when you miss them of feel lonely you will go back to square one.

[peas]

When she responds to my messages she doesn't say one nice thing. Not one bit of remorse. Not the slightest attempt at an apology. Just letting me know how much she hates me, never loved me, I should've gotten the hint a long time ago... .then just starts up with the victim nonsense.

That is the main reason I will not break contact. I couldn't handle him telling me more brutal stuff. He started to go there during our last texts to each other right after the b/u about how our r/s was a sham and was over when it started, which of course angered me to no end because that means I wasted seven months of my life, emotional energy and money on him.

I also don't want to be the one to contact and he sees this but doesn't reply. Or he replies that he's happy with someone else. I'm sticking by his request that I never contact him again.

[Ironmanrises]

When she responds to my messages she doesn't say one nice thing. Not one bit of remorse. Not the slightest attempt at an apology. Just letting me know how much she hates me, never loved me, I should've gotten the hint a long time ago... .then just starts up with the victim nonsense.

That is the main reason I will not break contact. I couldn't handle him telling me more brutal stuff. He started to go there during our last texts to each other right after the b/u about how our r/s was a sham and was over when it started, which of course angered me to no end because that means I wasted seven months of my life, emotional energy and money on him.

I also don't want to be the one to contact and he sees this but doesn't reply. Or he replies that he's happy with someone else. I'm sticking by his request that I never contact him again.

In bold.

That is projection.

They know they messed up.

But to admit that... .

Their disordered minds will vehemently deny.

So they project that onto you.

Mine said something similar too... .

And she was the one who came back to me, begging and crying.

I know it hurts.