Breaking up with BPDSO triggers old emotional wounds and pain

[human101]

This is my second post. I broke up with my BPD girlfriend 4 weeks ago after she demolished our relationship with a crazy, jealous tirade that broke my heart and my trust in her. I went from love to hate in a nano second.   We have had NC since then other than posting each others belongings back. It's been very hard for me collapsing emotionally and longing to contact her, to end the pain and reunite. But my fear of more pain and abuse has kept me NC. The entire three months was a cycle of intimacy and love, irrational attacks and abuse from her, then tearful reuniting.   The closer we got, the more extreme her verbal attacks and rejections became.  I was bewildered until I found this website and read the profile of the BPD romantic partner.  It was like someone had a camera in my BPDSO relationship and filmed every scene, it was so accurate.

What I've been noticing, is how my experience with her, over an intense 3 month period, has opened many old emotional wounds that I thought were healed long ago.  My sexuality, and coming out,  my failed marriage with a man who had undiagnosed/untreated manic depression, my failed relationship with a male partner who committed suicide, the death of a close friend with cancer and my ex girlfriend's bout of cancer and recovery.  I thought I had healed all these wounds and was a strong and together person, with a positive outlook on life.  Since my experience with the BPDSO I am revisiting the past in my mind, remembering sad times, the aloneness I felt, and the pain of loss.   The BPDSO's verbal attacks were often focused on people from my past, who I had confided in her about, as we grew to know more about each other.  It was as if she intentionally targeted my vulnerable places to inflict pain.    I am trying hard not to demonize her and frame her behavior as mental illness - difficult at times!

I'm getting my therapy for all this, and am wondering if others have experienced the same thing, past wounds opening up and causing old grief to return after a BPSO. 

[heartandwhole]

human101,

I resonate a lot with your post.  I'm sorry that you are going through this, it's so painful.  For me, it hurt more than anything I could remember, and yes, wounds were re-opened that I thought had been dealt with.

Similar to you, my grieving seemed to be for every single loss I had ever experienced, instead of the loss of the relationship alone.     I was a mess.

Therapy has been very helpful with this re-triggering of childhood patterns.  I think it's great that you are looking at this, and feeling what comes up – that is so important, and will help the process of recovery tremendously.  It is very difficult to *not* take things that our partners did personally, but I really believe that these defense mechanisms happen with anyone who gets that close.

Keep posting.  We're here for you.

heart

[bauers220]

This is my second post. I broke up with my BPD girlfriend 4 weeks ago after she demolished our relationship with a crazy, jealous tirade that broke my heart and my trust in her. I went from love to hate in a nano second.   We have had NC since then other than posting each others belongings back. It's been very hard for me collapsing emotionally and longing to contact her, to end the pain and reunite. But my fear of more pain and abuse has kept me NC. The entire three months was a cycle of intimacy and love, irrational attacks and abuse from her, then tearful reuniting.   The closer we got, the more extreme her verbal attacks and rejections became.  I was bewildered until I found this website and read the profile of the BPD romantic partner.  It was like someone had a camera in my BPDSO relationship and filmed every scene, it was so accurate.

What I've been noticing, is how my experience with her, over an intense 3 month period, has opened many old emotional wounds that I thought were healed long ago.  My sexuality, and coming out,  my failed marriage with a man who had undiagnosed/untreated manic depression, my failed relationship with a male partner who committed suicide, the death of a close friend with cancer and my ex girlfriend's bout of cancer and recovery.  I thought I had healed all these wounds and was a strong and together person, with a positive outlook on life.  Since my experience with the BPDSO I am revisiting the past in my mind, remembering sad times, the aloneness I felt, and the pain of loss.   The BPDSO's verbal attacks were often focused on people from my past, who I had confided in her about, as we grew to know more about each other.  It was as if she intentionally targeted my vulnerable places to inflict pain.    I am trying hard not to demonize her and frame her behavior as mental illness - difficult at times!

I'm getting my therapy for all this, and am wondering if others have experienced the same thing, past wounds opening up and causing old grief to return after a BPSO. 

ABSOLUTELY!  One of the things that I have been very very keen about is the fact that I have unhealed things, old patterns and a host of things that I have to work out in me.  Maybe its stemming from the fact that I always go to the spiritual first - as in - what lesson do I need to learn here - why is this triggering me?  I have a spiritual coach/mentor that helped me through those discoveries - but alas I ended up in Therapy because I really need the next level of help.  The first year I didn't know what I was dealing with... .I thought her back and forth with me stemmed from sexuality issues - not wanting to come out in middle age, not wanting to raise her son in a broken home... .And then came the light of BPD information.  I have been on and off these sites for a year now.  It wasn't until I landed in Therapy that I have stuck it out daily... .except when I did try and let her back in - and then was gone for a week... .but only a week.

I can promise you - if you go back - it will get worse not better.  You will erode worse and worse until you are shattered... .The cycles come quicker and quicker the more they know us because now we are established as "safe" to be themselves in front of.  I once found it so empowering that she opened up to me so much - even telling me HOW she felt on the inside.  I wish I still had the email she sent me that described how she felt inside... .it was sad... .but it described BPD - she may not KNOW she has it - but she is sure damn tuned in to herself and knows how to explain how it feels to be her.  Was pretty powerful and a toxic drug to be told no one before me could see the real her - because if they did - if they knew how she felt inside they would see she is a fraud - but that I know the real her... .and that she never knew love like mine... .didn't feel deserving of it... .

That email was over a year ago - she has hurt me over and over - and it never stays good for long... .it always bounces back to the same pattern... .no change... .Stay strong - stay in therapy - it does get better - so I've heard.