Games?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I could have timed this all with an egg timer.  I believe in the power of thoughts and words HOWEVER... .this recent split - my leaving her - has had me almost watching the pattern from a different view.  Instead of being mired in the drama of it all - I am just watching... .and I will tell you I am a WRECK today cause I KNOW she is going to try and contact me soon... .Here is what I mean.

She contacts me - we meet face to face.

She falls all over herself over me for 3 days

Starts to pull back - not very talkative

After 4 or 5 days of that its silent

2 days of silence I reach out - ask if she's ok

Get short reply - still in silent mode

So I speak up again - this time telling her its bothering me

She becomes angry and says this was always one of our issues (my fault of course)

I decide I am WORTH standing up for

I validate my right to my feelings and my right to express them

I break it off

2 days later she runs a personal ad looking for a new GF

2 days later ad is gone

And now I know WHY I woke with anxiety... .its coming... .could be today... .next week - 2 months... .a year - I don't know but if she was ready for a new GF - why take the ad down?  Obviously the ad was to make me mad - to see if I would run my own... .I stayed silent... .and watched.

I'm going to need a LOT of support when she contacts - I cannot go back on this.  My sanity is too important and its obvious she will NOT change.  Right?

[bauers220]

I could have timed this all with an egg timer.  I believe in the power of thoughts and words HOWEVER... .this recent split - my leaving her - has had me almost watching the pattern from a different view.  Instead of being mired in the drama of it all - I am just watching... .and I will tell you I am a WRECK today cause I KNOW she is going to try and contact me soon... .Here is what I mean.

She contacts me - we meet face to face.

She falls all over herself over me for 3 days

Starts to pull back - not very talkative

After 4 or 5 days of that its silent

2 days of silence I reach out - ask if she's ok

Get short reply - still in silent mode

So I speak up again - this time telling her its bothering me

She becomes angry and says this was always one of our issues (my fault of course)

I decide I am WORTH standing up for

I validate my right to my feelings and my right to express them

I break it off

2 days later she runs a personal ad looking for a new GF

2 days later ad is gone

And now I know WHY I woke with anxiety... .its coming... .could be today... .next week - 2 months... .a year - I don't know but if she was ready for a new GF - why take the ad down?  Obviously the ad was to make me mad - to see if I would run my own... .I stayed silent... .and watched.

I'm going to need a LOT of support when she contacts - I cannot go back on this.  My sanity is too important and its obvious she will NOT change.  Right?

[lisasport]

I have been doing that for two years. The will not change. Can you trust a bull, tigger, or wild animal. I had no idea  he was cheating the whole time. Its a lost cause.

[bauers220]

I have been doing that for two years. The will not change. Can you trust a bull, tigger, or wild animal. I had no idea  he was cheating the whole time. Its a lost cause.

She always has done this to me - the ads use to come behind my back in the first year.  Someone new would show up on her FB page and be awfully chummy and flirty and I'd think "who is this? she has no friends so where did this one come from"  I'd play detective and find an ad that looked like her... .though if I confronted her she would get irate - so I learned not to do that... .she finally owned up to it a couple months ago that she did do that for attention... .But now I see it was all to keep me on edge - it worked.

No she will not change - I know this.  Yet as much as I dread her attempted return - I long for it at the same time... .why?

[Ironmanrises]

You long for it at the same time?

Because you want to believe that her good qualities... .

And the idealization for a short while is worth the ton of abuse that will follow in its wake.

It is not.

You want to make yourself believe this because you havent fully accepted that she is disordered... .

And will continuously show that kind of behavior to those who are closest to them.

She will hurt you again.

This is not easy to accept.

I know.

I struggled with this too.

The idealization is real... .

Feels awesome.

But only lasts that period of time.

When devaluation is triggered... .

That is real too.

And this will come every single time they are  triggered.

Stay strong.

[bauers220]

You long for it at the same time?

Because you want to believe that her good qualities... .

And the idealization for a short while is worth the ton of abuse that will follow in its wake.

It is not.

You want to make yourself believe this because you havent fully accepted that she is disordered... .

And will continuously show that kind of behavior to those who are closest to them.

She will hurt you again.

This is not easy to accept.

I know.

I struggled with this too.

The idealization is real... .

Feels awesome.

But only lasts that period of time.

When devaluation is triggered... .

That is real too.

And this will come every single time they are  triggered.

Stay strong.

Thank you - and I know you are right.  I feel mostly strong and going through this acceptance is key... .I am working on that part.  Its never changed - why would it next time around?  She always "sees the light" but then she turns the lights off... .

[DragoN]

Bauers220

She contacts me - we meet face to face.

She falls all over herself over me for 3 days

Starts to pull back - not very talkative

After 4 or 5 days of that its silent

2 days of silence I reach out - ask if she's ok

Get short reply - still in silent mode

So I speak up again - this time telling her its bothering me

She becomes angry and says this was always one of our issues (my fault of course)

I decide I am WORTH standing up for

I validate my right to my feelings and my right to express them

I break it off

2 days later she runs a personal ad looking for a new GF

2 days later ad is gone

Why you know about the ads? You are checking on her.

What is your part in the dysfunctional dance?

Looks like periods of silence from both sides, Is that correct?

I'm going to need a LOT of support when she contacts - I cannot go back on this.  

More effective is to cut off all lines of communication and not check on her. That is on you to control. Not her.

Quitting the addiction to the emotional chaos is very difficult and requires discipline. To quit cold turkey, is extremely hard, but also effective. Cutting off lines of communication does not mean you 'forget' about her or your feelings for her, but that you have that time to truly heal. If you keep looking for her you are rubbing salt in the wounds.

Good luck. It's painful.

[babyducks]

Great pain requires great change.

And great change requires great pain.

Pull out all the stops and throw yourself into doing everything differently.

New route to work.  Experiment with new foods.

Break the old patterns and replace them with new.

[lisasport]

Remember I think they acted while with us. The energy supply they need is unreal and will never be enough for them. Keep on studying the pd it will help you. I cry every day.