Save yourself.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Charred... .I like the fable.  Very appropriate.

[nevaeh]

Charred... .I like the fable.  Very appropriate.

[Ironmanrises]

Blade,

My ex always referred vaguely to the fear of abandonment in round 1... .Long before I ever knew about BPD... .

I used to think it she just had bad relationships.

The fact that yours told you that on date 2... .

I would have not known what to do either.

Heart.

Thank you.

The journey to healing is a slow process.

My acceptance of all of this... .

Has not been easy.

Thank you again.

Charred,

Powerful post.

My eyes welled up reading that.

[DragoN]

He waited a moment. There was no change in the tension of the rope.

"I accept your choice," he said, at last, and freed his hands.

The Scorpion and the Frog



  A scorpion and a frog meet on the bank of a stream and the

scorpion asks the frog to carry him across on its back. The

frog asks, "How do I know you won't sting me?" The scorpion

says, "Because if I do, I will die too."

  The frog is satisfied, and they set out, but in midstream,

the scorpion stings the frog. The frog feels the onset of

paralysis and starts to sink, knowing they both will drown,

but has just enough time to gasp "Why?"

      Replies the scorpion: "Its my nature... ."

When you know it is BPD or NPD, the answers become much clearer. Not less painful.

[Ironmanrises]

Marek,

That is the classic fable that describes BPD.

Horrific but true.

We were all literally the frogs.

[DragoN]

Hard boiled frog here. Barely enough hop to get out of the water. Dropped the rope on the BPD since she was unwilling to climb up and the frog swims solo.

Maybe I find a nice frog in the pond, maybe not. But no rides to scorpions.

[Octoberfest]

Charred and Marek, awesome stuff.  Charred, I have seen that before and it is incredible.

[charred]

Accepting the reality of the situation is so hard... .I really wanted the illusion to be true.

[DreamGirl]

A relationship between a non and a non has a starting point and an ending point.

There is no coming back and forth. Over and over. One person usually leaves... .And the relationship dies a natural death.

With a non and a pwBPD... .There is no starting and ending point... .Usually the pwBPD leaves... .Then comes back... .Leaves again... .Comes back again... .Until the non has been damaged enough... .

To realize that any further interaction with the pwBPD... .Will only result in more pain... .And ultimately removes themselves from that nightmare cycle.

IMF,

Statistically speaking - lots of relationships go thru these kinds of cycles. It's the nature of it, it's often hard for any of us to let go ~ disordered partner or not. There's actually a biology behind it:

Our brains are wired for bonding. Breakups challenge us biologically.  According to Rutgers University anthropologist Helen Fisher, everyone biologically reacts to rejection in a way similar to  that of a drug user going through withdrawal. In the early days and weeks after a serious breakup, there are changes in the ventral tegmental area of the midbrain, which controls motivation and reward and is known to be involved in romantic love; the nucleus accumbens and the orbitofrontal/prefrontal cortex, part of the dopamine reward system and associated with craving and addiction; and the insular cortex and anterior cingulate, associated with physical pain and distress.

I see again and again you mention that you knew she was disordered - but you went back anyways. You were wrapped up in the emotions of it - even though you knew that what you wanted from her wasn't something she was capable of giving you (hence the 90/10 split). 

The Five Stages of Detachment has you acknowledging what happened. It was heartbreaking for you, she treated you badly when you were willing to turn yourself inside out. You realize that's just not how it works, and where others are seeing a love of the codependent kind.

The next step is upon us here, IMF. This isn't just about her. 

Breakdown the loss to understand it in a clear and balanced way - your part, your partner's part; what is normal relationship "stuff", what was abnormal; what was malicious, what was weakness, or what was ignorance. It's very important to detach from your emotions for this and look at things in a analytical way.  

To fully detach to what's happened, what we lead to freedom is to step out of the emotions and see this for what it is.

Do you see yourself doing that?

How long have you been out of the relationship?

~DreamGirl

[Ironmanrises]

Dream... .

I am trying.

Almost 4 months since she left.

I have maintained NC entire time.

My part:

I don't love myself.

This is what has allowed all of this to happen.

That rests on me.

I have acknowledged that.

Fixing that... .

Is very hard.

I am trying.

Starting with reducing the negative talk in my head.

Being gentle with myself.

Her part:

She is disordered.

I have to accept that.

There are days that I do... .

And days that I do not.

[DreamGirl]

I don't love myself. This is what has allowed all of this to happen. That rests on me. I have acknowledged that. Fixing that... .Is very hard. I am trying. Starting with reducing the negative talk in my head.

Being gentle with myself.

I don't believe in trying - I believe in doing.

I suffer from a certain kind of self-loathing too. Have you considered a therapist? Have you gotten a meds evaluation to help with your depression?

Almost all of us need help in this. Coming to the realization that you don't love yourself isn't something you can fix when you are ruminating about your ex-girlfriend and rummaging thru movie quotes and applying them to your real life. It's a temporary fix to the pain you're experiencing and to the underlying issues that got you in this predicament in the first place.

There are healthy coping mechanisms and there are not healthy ones.

What are you doing that is healthy? Are you eating right? Being gentle with yourself... .what does that mean?

Her part:

She is disordered.I have to accept that.There are days that I do... .And days that I do not.

What part don't you accept?

[Ironmanrises]

Dream... .

I cannot afford a therapist.

No meds evaluation for my depression.

My artwork used to help me with the depression... .

Since its remission, my Japanese learning is helping... .

In its own way.

Keeps my mind occupied.

Not a cure, I know.

I am not suicidal... .

For me that is very big.

(I have gone down this path twice in my life before my BPD encounter)

My underlying issue is that... .

I haven't loved myself all my life.

The fact that I am even able to say that... .

Is a lot for me.


What I am doing healthy... .?

I am leaving my house more often now... .

As opposed to when I first came to this forum... .

I would only leave my house to go to work.

I have been going to the movies... .

And for walks to get fresh air.

Changed my hairstyle and grew my facial hair... .

To boost back my lowered self esteem.

I am eating right.

I wasn't eating right for a few weeks after she left.

I listen to soft soothing music... .

To calm my mind.

I am very hard on myself.

I allowed a disordered person whom I knew... .

Was going to hurt me back into my life.

What does that say about me... .?

That I have serious issues.

And I better find a remedy to that.

I haven't forgiven myself fully for that.

The negative talk in my head... .

Was full blast for the first 2 months since she left.

It has slowly started to recede.

I tell myself... .

Before I go to bed every night... .

I love you Ironmanfalls.

To remind myself... .

I am all I have.

That I matter.

What part don't I accept... .?

That it would be easier to face if she wasn't disordered.

That she is just an a$$hole.

But she is disordered.

Her behavior was proof enough.

That she loved me as a need... .

And not for me.

I still struggle with that.

[Phoenix.Rising]

I tell myself... .

Before I go to bed every night... .

I love you Ironmanfalls.

This is good!  I am part of a recovery community and I know a member who states "I am good and worthwhile person, worthy of recovery, and recovering today!"  I believe a lot of us suffer from low self-worth on these boards, whether we want to own it or not or even realize it.  It is not the end of the world, and we do have the power to change the negative tapes in our heads.  A lot of what we believe about ourselves affects the way we feel about ourselves.  Thus, change our beliefs, and this is not an overnight matter.

Her behavior was proof enough.

That she loved me as a need... .

And not for me.

She probably did love you for you, in her own way, but was unable to consistently attach to you.  From what my ex knew of love, I believe she loved me.  Maybe it wasn't a mature love, but here's the question... was my love adult and mature for her?  I don't believe so in the fullest sense.  I loved her also with need attached and co-dependency.  I had my own fear of being abandoned, and I'm realizing I have intimacy fears as well.  This is emotional immaturity.

Emotions have often been equated with water, and a wise saying that I have repeated on these boards before is, 'Emotion, like water, seek its same level'.  This can be argued, like most things, but I believe there is truth in it.  Until and unless I address my part in all of this, I will continue to repeat the same patterns.  You mentioned you couldn't afford therapy.  There are some excellent 12-Step groups that offer support as well as a program to healing.  CODA might be helpful.  Just some thoughts.