Worried my infant son looks like my mother (or father)

[mjsheets]

Has anyone else experienced this?  My son is only three-months-old.  When he was first born, I found myself gazing at him obsessively, looking for signs of my mother.  I was absolutely petrified that he would look like her.  I'm learning to "put that on a cloud", but I still cringe whenever people tell me he looks like me because I'm afraid that also means he looks something like her. 

Has anyone here dealt with that?  Any ideas to get over it?

Also, I was terrified that we might have a girl.  I'm not as scared now, and both my husband and I would really like to have a girl in the future.  But I was seriously frightened that I would and that she would look like and/or be like my mother.  Any advice would be much appreciated!

[justnothing]

Well, I've read about a similar fear being expressed on here before (people being afraid that they themselves may look like their parents). I don't have that particular fear and don't mind that I kind of look like my mother and I don't think I'd mind if I had a child that resembled her in any way. However, I think I can relate in a different, indirect kind of way… when she was alive I couldn't stand touching her or even touching objects she had recently touched… and when I had to I felt a compulsive need to wash my hands afterwards… I also couldn't stand the idea of her entering my room, regardless of if she were to touch anything there or say or do anything about it… The only explanation I can think of for that is a fear of invasion. Something about being around her (or even about being around objects that reminded me of her) somehow felt like being emotionally raped. I felt like I needed to purge or cleanse myself of her and that anything associated with her could somehow invade or contaminate me.

If you try imagining your son, in a few years from now, looking and/or acting like your mother, what kind of feelings does that idea invoke? Is it similar to the feeling of being contaminated? Or maybe it's something totally different? Maybe it's a fear of repeating the same kind of relationship you had with her?

Either way, I suggest you try to keep in mind that your son is your son and he'll never be your mother. Even on the off chance that he'd grow up to look and behave exactly like your mother… he would still be your son and not your mother. The relationship cannot be the same because you are his mother. I know that with BPD relationships that distinction can be very confusing because your mother probably behaved like the child much of the time and you probably found yourself having to act like "the mother" in that relationship (which is maybe what's scary about being a mother for real now?) but this time you are faced with a real child and you really are the mother and there is a HUGE difference between the normal parent-child relationship and what the child experiences as "being a parent" during role reversal.

If this continues to be a problem over time though, you might want to consider talking to a therapist or someone who specializes in child raising. Your son, however he may look or be, needs to be seen as a unique individual and not be associated with anyone else… certainly not in a negative way.

[GeekyGirl]

mj, your son will change so rapidly, you'll be amazed. I know what you mean, though. I have a 3 year old son and I worried about the same thing when he was littler: will he look or act like my parents? Now that he's older and we've bonded a bit more, I don't care if there's any family resemblance. He's his own person and if he happens to have my father's jawline or my mother's ears, it's no big deal because he's unique. You'll likely see your son (or any daughter) differently as he gets older and develops his own sense of self.

I agree with justnothing that this is something you'll probably work through, but it may be a good idea to talk to someone who can help you through your fears. Sometimes meeting with a good T can give you the reassurance you need.