I am "Now Dead" to uBpd mom

[Depression = 72% of members]

I've posted on here before.  Have been NC for several months now.  UBPD mother keeps trying to get through, emails and phone calls - she's not shown up at my home,probably b/c she is scared of my husband.  Call blocking apps on my cell phone were inconsistent, so ended up changing my cell no.  Put filters on my email accounts and blocked her number from calling my home.

Because she can't get ahold of me, and because she's actively drinking and out of control, I keep getting calls from the police who are called to her home - in a couple of cases by neighbours, in a couple of cases she's called 911 herself threatening to kill herself.  I feel worn out and cynical while on the phone with the cops but afterwards I find that it is really impacting me.  The last contact with the cops was last Sunday when she called them threatening to kill herself - it was her birthday and nobody had called her. She'd been drinking heavily but hadn't taken any overdose. Ambulance took her to hospital but released her again the next morning. Gotta love the mental health system!

I was actually feeling sorry for her for how badly she is falling apart - the cops told me she is skeletal and her place is filthy.   This is someone who has always been very focussed on appearances and sees dirt where none exists.  Then... .I get an email at my work (which has no filtering options to block emails) telling me how terrible, cruel etc I am, how much she loves me but that I am now dead to her. That I would never hear from her again.  If only I could believe that.  I am sticking to the NC decision but I want to call her, scream at her, go over there and kick the crap out of her.  I hate having these feelings.

I hate that i have ANY reaction to this behaviour still, or that I feel sorry for her at all.  The last few days have been very hard.  I feel so down.  But why? None of this is unexpected, it is just par for the course.  I am trying to give myself permission to feel what I'm feeling, but I'm not evens sure right now why I am so angry and sad.

[NeedingPeace]

I've posted on here before.  Have been NC for several months now.  UBPD mother keeps trying to get through, emails and phone calls - she's not shown up at my home,probably b/c she is scared of my husband.  Call blocking apps on my cell phone were inconsistent, so ended up changing my cell no.  Put filters on my email accounts and blocked her number from calling my home.

Because she can't get ahold of me, and because she's actively drinking and out of control, I keep getting calls from the police who are called to her home - in a couple of cases by neighbours, in a couple of cases she's called 911 herself threatening to kill herself.  I feel worn out and cynical while on the phone with the cops but afterwards I find that it is really impacting me.  The last contact with the cops was last Sunday when she called them threatening to kill herself - it was her birthday and nobody had called her. She'd been drinking heavily but hadn't taken any overdose. Ambulance took her to hospital but released her again the next morning. Gotta love the mental health system!

I was actually feeling sorry for her for how badly she is falling apart - the cops told me she is skeletal and her place is filthy.   This is someone who has always been very focussed on appearances and sees dirt where none exists.  Then... .I get an email at my work (which has no filtering options to block emails) telling me how terrible, cruel etc I am, how much she loves me but that I am now dead to her. That I would never hear from her again.  If only I could believe that.  I am sticking to the NC decision but I want to call her, scream at her, go over there and kick the crap out of her.  I hate having these feelings.

I hate that i have ANY reaction to this behaviour still, or that I feel sorry for her at all.  The last few days have been very hard.  I feel so down.  But why? None of this is unexpected, it is just par for the course.  I am trying to give myself permission to feel what I'm feeling, but I'm not evens sure right now why I am so angry and sad.

[femaleopard]

I know the feeling. Sometimes I wish I had NC with my own mother. Instead, I live with her, along with my boyfriend. My dad is still married to her, and lives here too, along with my 22 year old brother. My boyfriend and I had lived on our own, but when he lost his job due to his company needing to make budget cuts, my mom begged us to come stay with her, saying things will be good, better for her, etc. Yeah right. My boyfriend has been employed in his field of Information Technology now for almost six months... .we're trying to save to buy a house... .but most days I want to pull my hair out and go to an apartment... .its been so bad lately and our human services department won't see her due to what she's all done in the past there... .she has an addictive personality and would abuse her pills or overdose on them. Right now I'm her caretaker... .I hand her her medicine daily... .sometimes she says she is going to refuse to take them. She goes up and down left and right with all of us. She calls us cruel as well and says hurtful things like how I'm no longer her daughter. She has never said I'm dead to her, but she might as well. One time she told me that my brother's fiance is a better daughter than I ever was. It truly is hurtful. I feel for you. I don't have any advice... .but I feel for you.

[Enoughforme]

WOW... I too have been told the same thing and I am her only child. Sometimes I wish I had a sibling to share this wonderful love with. You are at least lucky that she is scared of your husband not to get to you at home. I too have had the suicide threats and the 911 calls for help. I really wonder what they thing? They we are going to beg them please don't and things will go back to the way they were. Why is their brains so wired wrong? I too hate any reactions that I may have in the moment but they seem to know which buttons to push and words to use to get one. I too feel sorry for my mom I can't imagine living life as a raving loon and that is WHY I feel sorry BUT it doesn't make me less sad or angry. Angry because of all the mean hurtful things she says and does but also sad because I really just want a mom. Hope that makes sense. I feel for you because the first time you hear this it really hurts. Wish I had some more advise but all I have is empathy of your pain.