Wrecking ball

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I started around here a long time ago looking for an understanding of what was happening to ME in my marriage to uBPDw. It has helped me a lot. Not to deal with the wreckage of my feelings, which I have had to do alone, but to recognize the truth of who she is, or rather what she is like.

The best description of how she is - and others I have noticed who are women with BPD - is a wrecking ball.

It does not matter what you build, nor how carefully and thoughtfully you build it, nor how important it is, nor what stakes you have laid down for it, sooner or later the pwBPD in your life will wreck it. 

Make the list of what's important to you as a human being. Assess where those things were before pwBPD and are now after pwBPD. That is the only truth you need to know if you intend to progress in your life.

And count this as certain, the longer the pwBPD is close in your life, the worse your life, and what you have invested yourself in, and your healthy plans for your future will become.

You build, she wrecks. That's the simple endless truth of it.

[Fish]

I started around here a long time ago looking for an understanding of what was happening to ME in my marriage to uBPDw. It has helped me a lot. Not to deal with the wreckage of my feelings, which I have had to do alone, but to recognize the truth of who she is, or rather what she is like.

The best description of how she is - and others I have noticed who are women with BPD - is a wrecking ball.

It does not matter what you build, nor how carefully and thoughtfully you build it, nor how important it is, nor what stakes you have laid down for it, sooner or later the pwBPD in your life will wreck it. 

Make the list of what's important to you as a human being. Assess where those things were before pwBPD and are now after pwBPD. That is the only truth you need to know if you intend to progress in your life.

And count this as certain, the longer the pwBPD is close in your life, the worse your life, and what you have invested yourself in, and your healthy plans for your future will become.

You build, she wrecks. That's the simple endless truth of it.

[Mr gaga]

[urlwww.youtube.com/watch?v=mRFHAvdwXXs][/url]

This explains everything perfectly. 

[fromheeltoheal]

Pretty harsh, and I agree, although you don't mention what you think the motivation is.

My take is my BPD ex thought extremely terribly of herself, she was full of shame, didn't care about herself, and didn't want to live.  To cope, she combated those extremely painful feelings by going 180 degrees the other way; make herself out as god's gift to women and humanity in her own head.  Anything I accomplished or excelled at was a threat to that fictional self, and if any of it wasn't true it would all crumble, hence the relentless assault.  God, writing that really made me feel like an idiot for sticking around so long, but honestly I couldn't see it clearly then, and was just trying to love her and fix it.

And what lingers now is the compassion for her, what a hell she lives in, may she find peace.

[Fish]

Pretty harsh, and I agree, although you don't mention what you think the motivation is.

Those of us who have lived long term with a pwBPD know nothing but harshness. In fact, harsh is a euphemism for the experience.

The motivation is very simple. It is the same as a hungry baby grown angry for not getting the teat on demand. Cry and squall and wreak havoc in the crib. Except we are dealing with an adult wBPD. We have no teats and the crib is our life. Makes not a bit of difference to them. Say hello to the wrecking ball. It will be your morning and evening greeting for as long as you choose.

[Trick1004]

First time I met her family her dad told me "she is a wreaking ball in life", and proceeded to tell me all troubles she had in the past. I was somewhat taken aback and my ex had already told me everything so nothing he told me about her caught me off guard.

I think pd disorders run in her family, I never had the pleasure of meeting her grandma (thank god, she sounded like a real piece of work), her dad was an incredibly self-absorbed attention seeking ass (i can't count the number of times I heard the same stories about himself he told about himself). Her family gatherings were always loud and a competition for attention, like being at a 10 year olds birthday party with the addition of plenty of alcohol involved.

From some of the stories I've read here she could have wreaked my life a whole lot more than she did. I believe she knew something was off with her and tried her best to change but in the end the need for constant attention and validation from others; attention that I wasn't physically, mentally, or emotionally willing to provide anymore which drove her away to find new sources.

It's been four months since she left and I'm reaching a point where I'm glad it's done.   

[fiddlestix]

Insightful.  The idea that the pwBPD may be threatened by our success is very provocative. The first half of my 25 year r/s I was a hospital custodian.  I worked this job while my (recently diagnosed) BPD wife went to school to earn her undergraduate, then masters degree (in marriage and family therapy).  It was pretty good; we had our three awesome kids, outgrew a house and bought another, took family trips every year... .  There were weird moments and some bad fights, but it never felt like we were heading toward divorce.  Then I finished school, got my masters degree and began a professional job.  I am good at what I do and often get praised by the people I serve. 

My wife's weirdness and sex addiction etc... .really re-emerged when I was in grad school.  She was very promiscuous in her teens and very early 20's.  We married at 24 and she was faithful for 13 years (lots of other issues such as eating disorders, depression, bi-polar, rage, put-downs... .).  When I worked "go-nowhere" jobs she was faithful.  Then, when I was on the verge of success she changed and went crazy.  She screwed dozens of men (and a few women) behind my back.  She ended up getting fired from her therapy job for screwing someone in her office, and having porn/dating sites on her work computer.  This psycho crap happened while I was in grad school! 

Did she perceive my impending success as a possible abandonment, so she went out and established backup relationships?  I had no plans to leave her; I wanted us to grow old together.  The second half of our marriage was often tense.  I never really regained a sense of safe intimacy with her.  She was "OK" and abstinent from adultery for a few years.  But as my career progressed, she regressed to who she was as a 15 year old kid: drugs, drinking, shoplifting, angry sounding rock music, promiscuous sex... .  Mind you, I am NOT a workaholic.  I did not abandon her. I was home a lot, good father, good self care... .

She was fired from many more jobs, began online and actual affairs again... .  Last year she got fired from her job as a supervisor at a homeless shelter for screwing one of the homeless clients!  Yet, I continued to forgive and let her stay.  My own fears of abandonment as an adult child of an alcoholic prevented me from kicking her out.  Well, I finally did 1.5 years ago. I caught her with one of her druggie boyfriends.  She came home and sat down to play a computer game, almost like nothing happened.  I told her to skedaddle.  She moved in with druggie boy, crushed his heart, and he ended up going to jail for stalking and abusing her.  She is a wrecking ball indeed.  She is now with a new young guy in his house.  I wonder if she will demolish him as well? 

She has been a wrecking ball through many lives, jobs, friendships, our marriage, almost my career (I was so distraught over this I took family leave).  Did she see my career success as abandonment and thus a trigger for her impulses? 

Fiddlestix

[GreenMango]

There's a lot of crap going on the mind of someone who has this disorder.  One of the defining things is "self destructive" that includes relationships, jobs, etc.  Destroying the very thing they want the most. 

When you read some of the clinical papers it talks about irrational fears, envy/self hatred/inadequacy rejection paranoia sparking all kinds of dispportionate reactions.  It's a hot mess.

One of the 10th beliefs that keep someone stuck - #2 the belief the person feels the same as you is especially relevant here.  It goes beyond just the feelings, it includes thoughts/how another person thinks/beliefs of the world and how they react or behave.  There is a huge gap.  What you would think is these instances is probably not in even the same ballpark let alone city of a person with BPD. 

This is the face of mental illness... .its not always as obvious as the schizophrenic man talking to his imaginary friend in the subway.  It can be in the everyday paradox of watching someone who has a this disorder try to function in what they call "prosocial" ways.  Ackward when its harmless and destructive at the worst.

" Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal. " - Albert Camus

I know it took me a long time to accept that I got to see unmitigated mental illness in action.  Do you struggle with that?

[fromheeltoheal]

#2 the belief the person feels the same as you is especially relevant here.  It goes beyond just the feelings, it includes thoughts/how another person thinks/beliefs of the world and how they react or behave.  There is a huge gap.  What you would think is these instances is probably not in even the same ballpark let alone city of a person with BPD. 

Yes.  I told her I wanted to build a life with my best friend, to develop a deep emotional connection and true intimacy.  She nodded like she understood, but didn't add anything.  But she never came to me.  And in my insecurity I assumed it was me, if I could just be a little 'better', a little more loving, a little something, that beautiful person I saw in her would open up and be with me.  Ha!  So I settled for the tidbits of affection that showed up once in a while, her never enough for me, me thinking I was never enough for her.

And the good, and bad, news was learning about the disorder once things blew up.  The bad news was that beautiful girl under all the crap didn't exist, except as the fantasy in my head.  And the good news was my inability to get close to her had nothing to do with me, I am more than enough, I am lovable, I deserve to be treated well, there is nothing missing, connections like the one I want happen organically with the right person, one who is just standard-issue crazy like the rest of us, not disordered.  So thanks BPD, the experience has caused a growth spurt in me that may not have happened otherwise, and life keeps getting good!

[Lucky Jim]

Hi Fish, What is the current status of your relationship with pwBPD?  Certainly the BPD tsunami leaves a lot of wreckage in its wake, yet agree with Green Mango that it's a function of a mental disorder with which the pwBPD struggles constantly.  I used to take everything my uBPDexW did personally -- and who wouldn't when one is being abused and trampled -- yet now that we're divorced I can see that a lot stemmed from forces beyond her control which deserve my compassion now that I'm mostly out of the line of fire.  Don't get me wrong, BPD almost destroyed me, so I don't take it lightly and I went through hell in my marriage, as you describe.  Lucky Jim

[Fish]

Jim, we have been separated for two years. The kids live with me but she has frequent, unrestricted contact with them.

It took me almost all of those 2 years to re-establish my personal moorings and, like you, I have come to see the disease more for what it is than in terms of what I suffered from it. However, since we are not divorced, the subject of where to go from here comes up in my mind periodically. When I think about reconciliation, I have to remind myself of the wrecking ball effects of BPD. That's what I was thinking about last night when I posted.

[GreenMango]

Fish nobody gets married expecting a wrecking ball to move through your proverbial house.  It's awful to watch.

It's hard to get some bearings in this but it sounds like you are asking yourself the hard questions - the ones that need to be asked.

Have you checked out the family law board?  Do you have kids?

[Fish]

Fish nobody gets married expecting a wrecking ball to move through your proverbial house.  It's awful to watch.

It's hard to get some bearings in this but it sounds like you are asking yourself the hard questions - the ones that need to be asked.

Have you checked out the family law board?  Do you have kids?

Yes, I spent time on the family law board and got some insights over there. The biggest was to not fuel the conflict with a high-conflict personality.

Right now, the situation for the 3 kids living with me is stable and pretty much free of conflict between me and uBPDw. Not living together has been working for two years, and as long as that holds up, I don't see any reason to stir the pot. But... .it is an absolute minimal contact arrangement by my choice. Communication is via text, nothing in person if I can avoid it.

The situation is not ideal but it is much better for everyone than before.

[Ironmanrises]

I started around here a long time ago looking for an understanding of what was happening to ME in my marriage to uBPDw. It has helped me a lot. Not to deal with the wreckage of my feelings, which I have had to do alone, but to recognize the truth of who she is, or rather what she is like.

The best description of how she is - and others I have noticed who are women with BPD - is a wrecking ball.

It does not matter what you build, nor how carefully and thoughtfully you build it, nor how important it is, nor what stakes you have laid down for it, sooner or later the pwBPD in your life will wreck it. 

Make the list of what's important to you as a human being. Assess where those things were before pwBPD and are now after pwBPD. That is the only truth you need to know if you intend to progress in your life.

And count this as certain, the longer the pwBPD is close in your life, the worse your life, and what you have invested yourself in, and your healthy plans for your future will become.

You build, she wrecks. That's the simple endless truth of it.

Good analogy.

A wrecking ball indeed.

In bold.

That is the unfortunate truth... .

Ultimately.

They will bring you joy... .

They will bring you sadness... .

And finally... .

Pain.

[GreenMango]

Right now, the situation for the 3 kids living with me is stable and pretty much free of conflict between me and uBPDw. Not living together has been working for two years, and as long as that holds up, I don't see any reason to stir the pot. But... .it is an absolute minimal contact arrangement by my choice. Communication is via text, nothing in person if I can avoid it.

Aiming for a more peaceful household sounds pretty amazing compared to the chaos that could be going on.  Sounds like the advice was pretty good.  When I was approached to reconcile I had some time to think about things and that wrecking ball threat weighed heavily in my mind too - I didn't have the heart or the energy to risk it again.  I didn't actually think I would survive another round and would quite literally land myself in a deep depression.

Sometimes what you have right now seems the best case scenario considering.  It's definitely not ideal but considering how difficult dealing with a person like this can be its a better alternative.  I know I wish it could have been an amicable and "normal" situation after but that's a pipe dream in all honesty - it really takes two mature people to do that and even if you have matured and accepted things it doesn't mean the other person has... .sadly.

How are your kids doing thru all this?