help for the children

[suffering_parent]

So BPD wife and I separated and kids are really suffering.   I have custody of them, but they are really missing mom.

She moved far away and has seen them less then two days in the last two months.   She has only called 3 times in a month.   I think the kids are really hurting from this.   Very emotional break downs and wanting mom to come home.

I am working on getting them in some counseling.   It is very expensive though and I have four kids!   Not really sure what else to do... .

I have blasted Mom in email multiple times to not forget she has 4 kids.   All I get back is "don't judge me" responses.   She said she is going to call less because of my judgements!   All I asked was for her to call and email the kids - no judgements of any kind.    Sure enough she stopped almost all contact with them.

Married 12 years and it is by far the most evil thing I have ever seen her do.   Our children are so beautiful and amazing.   I can't even begin to comprehend this.   I feel so horrible for them.

What can we do to support them?

[jdtm]

suffering_parent - you have just described what our son has been dealing with for several years, except there are only two children involved.  It won't get better.  One of our grandchildren (the boy) seems to have accepted the fact "mom" is rarely going to be available; the other is not doing so well (the girl).  Both our grandchildren are now teenagers.

For support - call on as many relatives and friends as you can, especially grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins - whomever.  They will not be able to completely "plug" the hole in your children's hearts, but it will help.  As for counseling - perhaps someone here can advise on this topic re cost.  There must be some "inexpensive help" in your area - even if you start by asking at the school or your local church or your child and youth center - whatever.

The main thing right now is to "always be there" for them - don't miss their birthdays (because she probably will), plan some sort of holiday for Thanksgiving and Christmas, etc. (hope the grandparents can pitch in here), and don't shy away from any and all help.  Also, you might think seriously on how your home can be structured - tasks/responsibilities - routine and constancy and duties will help your children in the months/years ahead.  You're going to need it.  So sorry ... .

[Clearmind]

Hi SP, what a wonderful Dad you are – firstly I want to congratulate you on all you do for your kids.

SP, BPD is a shame disorder so going in with the angle of perceived judgment will not help – although I completely get why you would want to – its hurtful for you and the kids.

I come from a broken home where one parent is BPD – all I ever wanted was to be listened to and my emotions validated. Your kids have likely heard lots of emotionally invalidating stuff from their Mum.

I looked back through your posts to see how old the kiddos are – I am going to assume they are under 12.

SP, there are some great books for youngsters who have a BPD parent – you can read it with them or they can read a chapter at a time and then chat to you about it. I think it’s important they are armed with the facts after so much emotional torment. Facts help. I believe the most important part of facing facts is that you are open with them for questions etc…they need to know it’s not their fault.

Would some book recommendations for young ones help? If so please let me know ages.