Were you the all good one or the all bad one?

[nevermore]

I see a lot of posts from the all good child. I was the all good child.  My all bad sibling killed himself a decade ago.  I wonder if more all good children come here because we feel guilty for how they were treated. Speaking only for myself I have a lot of guilt over his treatment.  At three years old I could see the difference.  I was their fair haired girl and he was an unwanted invader even as a newborn.  A few years before he died he told me about a lot of things that made him resent me when we were growing up. He did hold it against me that they let me take piano lessons but wouldn't let him learn guitar.  He blamed me because I loved peas and he hated them. I didn't think about it as a kid but he did and every time we were served peas it made him angry.  He had BP as did our mother so I don't know how much of his list of grievances were a part of his illness but he sure did hold tight to them.  I will never feel right about the way we were raised.

Were you all good or all bad?

[GeekyGirl]

I'm sorry for your loss, nevermore. It sounds like your brother was in a lot of pain, but that wasn't your fault. You didn't do anything wrong. Have you forgiven yourself for being the "all-good" child?

I was both growing up--when I did something that pleased my mother, I was the all-good child. Often, though, I was the all-bad child. She'd switch it up between me and my brother. I agree that all-good children can carry a lot of guilt and all-bad children can carry a lot of shame. That, sadly, is very common.

Do you feel like you were responsible for your brother's illness or how your mother treated you differently?

[nevermore]

I don't feel the guilt anymore. That went away as I began to read about BPD.  For the longest time I was in a family where there was a "game" going on and I didn't have a clue.  I didn't know about splitting or gas lighting or the illness.  Once I began to read Understanding Your Borderline Mother it all fell into place. I just feel very lucky that I didn't have borderline personality and I feel so sad for my brother that he did have it. It must be awful to live like that.

[nevermore]

It was earth shattering.  He was a boy anyone would have been so proud to call "son".  Unfortunately he didn't see it. His self esteem was zero. He never married and never had children. His whole life was colored by his BPD and his mother's.  Stay close with your brother. 

[Bunny]

Nevermore, I am so sorry for your loss of your brother.

I am an all-black child and my brother was the golden sunshine boy.

Like your brother I never married or had kids.

I don't think my brother feels guilty - he had his own cross to bear being our uBPD mother's emotional crutch from a young age.  Personally I don't think what he dealt with was as bad as what I got from her though.

As a black child I would have said there are more black children posting here, so maybe it's what you look for.

Peace.

[nevermore]

I know my brother got the worst of it.  He was deprived of love, attention, self esteem and an identity.  He should have been adored by them but was only adored by me.  I am so sorry for all of those who were the all bad. It should happen to no one.

[isshebpd]

I'm sorry to hear about what happened to your brother.

As an "all bad" I had nervous breakdowns through my teens and early 20s. When I met my wife, I had been trying to drink myself into oblivion. Meeting her made me better, to some extent.

But I feel sorry for my "all good" brother. Being the "golden child" messed him up and made him a narcissist. Our parents never stopped him from being rude and obnoxious at home or while working for the family business, so he acts like that with everyone. This has ruined his career and made sure he can't form close relationships. Now my 36yo brother is a very lonely, miserable man.

[nevermore]

I don't think any of us escape unscathed.  : (

[GeekyGirl]

I don't think any of us escape unscathed.  : (

Agreed. The good thing, though, is that we can grow and recover.   

[nevermore]

  Yes we can!  You can carve out your own happy life as long as you build strong boundaries and never move them.  Consistency when dealing with someone who is not rationale is the key.  YOU need consistency and strong boundaries are the best way to have it.