How do I stop telling people my story of relationship with pwBPD? It tumbles out

[human101]

Has anyone else experienced this after breakup with pwBPD?

When friends or even some work colleagues ask me how I am, I find myself telling them the story of my relationship, traumas and breakup with BPDGF. I don't intend to have the conversation or reveal that much info, but it just comes out, all in a rush. Afterwards I often wish I hasn't discussed it, as I feel awful remembering the horrible dramas. I feel as if I have to tell people what happened to me, like I was mugged or had a car accident, I have this compulsion to share the story and the effect it had on me.   I'm not normally an "over sharer" and am usually quite private with work colleagues.  There's something about the BPD aspect that's causing this, as if it was a "normal" breakup I'm sure I wouldn't be so compelled to tell the story. 

[Bananas]

Hi human,

I too, am a rather private person and did the same thing.  I think because it was so much on my mind, and the whole unbelieveableness of the breakup, it was like I was looking for someone to confirm the craziness of it all.  But the reactions I got from most others really didn't help me and I always regretted saying something so I stopped.  Now I only talk to two friends and my T about it, and of course, my "family" here, no one else gets it.

I think you are right about the non-normal aspect.  Perhaps a result of trauma.  My need to talk about it did bring me here and got me into therapy so that was a good thing.  I think talking about it is good... .you just have to find the right people.  Do you have a good friend or family member to talk to about it?  Are you in therapy or open to seeing a therapist?

Hang in there, and there are good listeners here!

[Aussie0zborn]

Quite a common reaction. I have done the same thing even when nobody asked. Exactly two months today and I'm over it now... .I only discuss it with two family members and two friends. Remember that half of what you say is unbelievable and those listening will wonder what was wrong with you to put up with all that nonsense.

A relationship with a pwBPD is often traumatic and I agree that if It was a normal relationship one would not feel compelled to tell the story.  :)o you have a T?

[imstronghere2]

I think when you finally come to the realization that the vast majority of people you encounter won't have any frame of reference for what you went through and it's doing nothing other than allowing you to vent and alienating the people you're telling (because the hard cold fact is most of them don't really give a damn), THEN you'll be able to bite your tounge and figure something else out.  I did the same thing you're doing.  I felt like I had to purge constantly.  Now, most people probably think I'm nuts but so be it.   I got through it and so will you.  Stay strong.

[human101]

Thanks for those replies, they were really helpful. Yes I do have a T and I'd like to contain the storytelling to her. I read somewhere on this site a term for a stock answer/summary of the situation, that politely but firmly stops further conversation, so I will think of one of those. Best wishes to all who replied, I appreciate it.   

[Ironmanrises]

I no longer speak of this to my close friends.

They became invalidating towards me after a while of me trying to explain it to them.

After telling them that I permanently closed my Facebook and Instagram accounts due to all of this... .

All they can think of to ask me is "but when are you coming back into Facebook, etc?"... .

They don't get it.

At all.

It's best you only tell people who are validating.

Otherwise it will frustrate you even further.

Hang in there.

[Bulgakov]

Even before what I am going through now, I found myself wanting to scream out what was going on. Instead I would speak to colleagues in "what ifs". Or I would use hypotheticals to discuss relationship issues. My immediate coworkers and I have some pretty interesting conversations a lot of the times. So they don't come across as too weird or obvious. We discuss people all the time. Eventually it has to come out that I may be moving out soon and that things were not ideal. It makes me wonder if they will suddenly think, "ooh, I see where all that was coming from." I have gotten almost aggressive in a stance at one point (nothing out of control, I could just tell my side of the conversation was strange to her, like why would he feel this way about this subject?) so I know I'm wanting to talk about it. I have just been so careful about how I go about bringing it into conversations with people I'm not comfortable telling the whole truth to. So now I don't know how I'm going to go about talking about the reality of it all. The truth is I don't have to, I suppose. Long story short, I have been trying to be careful of how I got about speaking of all this to people. Fortunately, as a student of psychology, it gives me lots of opportunities to do so, which might be a new insight into why I find the field so interesting.

[starshine]

I did the same thing- told those that asked what happened (we were perceived to be the "perfect couple" the crazy details of our breakup- and yes, it was crazy.  I was Queen of TMI.  I was grieving so hard I couldn't even breathe.  I was very isolated, as far as having a support network nearby.  The only place I was able to function was my work, and that was debatable.  Thank goodness my clients stayed with me.  I am still pretty angry about how things went down, and how dirty I got did.  I don't go out much and socialize at this point.  Still repairing my heart.

[GreenMango]

like I was mugged or had a car accident,

Human it does feel like it doesn't it?

I found I didn't share because I didn't know how to explain it.  It was too bizarre and when I would try I was at a loss for a coherent explanation. 

I do understand though.  Do you have a support system?

[changingme]

I used to share a lot too but that was mainly when I was living in the worst of it.  Now its just too bizarre to explain to anyone new I meet (like a co-worker for example).  Although because me and ex have a child, new people usually pick up on my complicated situation and life and they are puzzled.  I've become too tired explaining it all over again and tired of never getting that support or understanding I was looking for.  I just keep it simple now and do my explaining on here. 

[human101]

Hi greenmango. Yes thank you I do have a support system, lovely friends and a good T. I am planning to reduce the talking to friends, except for one (my best friend) I do not want to drain them. They heard a lot about the dramas, the highs and lows, while the relationship was happening. The BPD aspect is so removed from normal life that regular conversations and frames of reference don't apply.  I find the boards here helpful, as people know what I'm talking about straight away. The car accident or mugging comparison is salient because like BPD relationships they are so out of the ordinary, so removed from our day to day life, and are sudden, unexpected,  traumatic, random.  And in getting involved with pwBPD,  there's the added shock of realization, she is not who I thought she was, it was not what I thought it was.  I now see my exBPDgf as having three faces, the high functioning, intelligent woman with a great job, life, ready for a loving relationship, the possessive/clinging/insecure/joyful child,  and finally, the explosive woman who is overcome with jealousy and mistrust, verbally and physically abuses,  rejects and disconnects when she gets the intimacy and love she craves.  It's like a car crash, maybe being hit by a drunk unlicensed driver... .The true nature of the accident only reveals itself in stages.    

[Tricky]

7 weeks after leaving my uBPD GF I still want to tell everyone the full long story and give details to back up the crazy story. Partly this is to explain the way I am (highly anxious, fearful, exhausted, no concentration,  a markedly different person), partly as an unintended debriefing/processing exercise and partly (to be honest) to somehow combat the lies she's spreading. A stock answer to questions about her would probably be better. Any ideas?

I'm sure some people think I am exaggerating, or deluded. My therapist is an expert on BPD, so understands perfectly and non judgmentally. Wonderful.

[fromheeltoheal]

I find it has been too much of a burden on folks who haven't been there, and they can't really help anyway since they aren't BPD experts, so they get tired of it and end up being invalidating even though they care.  On the other hand not talking about trauma isn't good for you, so I say let fly if you need to, with a professional if need be.  There's a line there and I agree, sometimes it just all comes out, like if you'd been in a major collision, which we have.

[human101]

It's a couple of weeks on and I'm finding less compulsion to tell people the whole gruesome story. I've had three therapy sessions and found them really helpful. They've helped me feel someone really understands what I went through, without judging, and can hear about my hurt without rushing to solve it with quick fixes.  I finding now I can say things to people  like "it didn't work out, she turned out to be emotionally unstable".  without the whole story coming out.  I now know what happened and why, so I don't need other people to validate it anymore as being real.  I do ruminate about what happened, and replay scenes, but when i catch myself doing this I repeat to myself things I have read on these boards:  "There's nothing I could have done to fix it.  She has a mental illness. She has a disorder.  The person I was in love with doesn't exist in reality. She was mirroring me, being my perfect partner.  There was a lot of turmoil happening for her she never told me about"   These factual statements are helping me stay strong and NC.

[ScotisGone74]

glad to hear that you are doing better.    When you are involved in an emotionally damaging trainwreck of a relationship I believe its pretty normal to want to tell people, to try to explain what happened while also looking for answers... .but alas, there are none, and most people don't know what to say and get tired of hearing us babble about it because they have no first hand knowledge of what it is like.    We eventually wear others down telling our story, and in the process ourselves.   

[Turkish]

Has anyone else experienced this after breakup with pwBPD?

Me, too. Especially since we are still detaching (she's trying to find a place to live... .accused me of not taking care of her, but she's had two months to look for another place, with me asking for no contribution on her part to the household, and the financial realities are hitting her in the face!). A co-worker, a friend I've known for 21 years at three different companies (small industry) knows. He gave me the Walking on Eggshells book a few weeks ago, but by then I'd already figured it out, as I almost did 4 years ago (before both of our children) and still stupidly went along, bought a home, had one kid, then another... .He was pretty sure his ex wife was one, or definitely had many BPD tendencies. For him it was too late as well, and he divorced her to prevent complete financial ruin. 13 years later, she still has string after string of failed relationships.

I have a few close friends whom I've known for 20-30 years that I confide in. One I've known the longest (since I was a young teen), and I've sent him links to threads here. He gets it, pretty smart guy. I mentioned it to my mom (I haven't told her about the affair yet, but will after the ex is physically gone), and she, a trained RN, said "oh yes, I completely see that she exhibits several BPD traits." She kept her mouth shut for so long because she saw I was mostly happy. But I agree, it probably seems weird to let it all pour out to people that don't know you well. I keep my mouth shut around my in-laws, too, even though they know most of this is her. Looking back, I think my ex's older brother has it, too, though his love addiction is more obvious, and he isn't as high functioning. -Turkish

[Traumatized]

Yes, I too have been telling my story to too many people, over and over, who find it shocking, unbelievable, question my sanity, look down upon me, and then eventually disappear from my life.

My last conversation with someone who considers me one of their best friends (though we hardly know each other) went like this:

Friend: Are you okay?

Me:  No... .I'm not okay.

Silence.

I've told this person about my abusive relationship so many times that they don't know how to respond anymore.  I think they want to hear that I'm okay and have moved on, but when I say that I'm still not doing well they know what's coming next: a misery fest from my mouth!  With new horrid details!

[DownandOut]

I used to do this all the time when I was first devalued, idolized and devalued again. I just didn't get it. I told everyone that would listen so I could get different viewpoints and maybe it would all eventually make sense to me. I was never able to get the answer I was searching for. This time, I'm done. I don't tell anyone except my T. My exBPDgf cheated and I know I'll never go back. I learned about BPD and I got all the answers I needed.

[Ironmanrises]

Yes, I too have been telling my story to too many people, over and over, who find it shocking, unbelievable, question my sanity, look down upon me, and then eventually disappear from my life.

My last conversation with someone who considers me one of their best friends (though we hardly know each other) went like this:

Friend: Are you okay?

Me:  No... .I'm not okay.

Silence.

I've told this person about my abusive relationship so many times that they don't know how to respond anymore.  I think they want to hear that I'm okay and have moved on, but when I say that I'm still not doing well they know what's coming next: a misery fest from my mouth!  With new horrid details!

In bold.

I experienced that too.

They no longer want to hear... .

How you really feel... .

Because... .

It makes them uncomfortable... .

And would rather... .

You just say... .

Yes... .I am ok.

Very invalidating.

I have secluded myself from interacting... .

With my close friends for months now.

They send me texts... .

Every now and then... .

I respond briefly.

And that's it.

I don't need further invalidation.

I received enough of that... .

Via my exUBPDgf.

It sucks.

I know.

[Turkish]

I actually just conversed with a young woman, the daughter of old friends of mine from college (I've known her on and off for 22 years, watched her grow up), and told her about it. She is married with a kid, and she is a school child psychologist, always struck me as very stable. She says she totally gets it, because her brother-in-law went through the exact same thing with a BPDex! I've told so many people on my side now, that there will be no going back. I am pretty sure she will want to come back after a long while, and her family might pressure me to do so, but no way, not even for the kids. Can't traumatize them twice. We all need to move on and heal. I do have to be careful about who I tell, given what others are saying here... .especially if I ever move on to another relationship. Given my age now, probably not, but you never know.

[human101]

I have secluded myself from interacting... .

With my close friends for months now.

They send me texts... .

Every now and then... .

I respond briefly.

And that's it.

I don't need further invalidation.

I received enough of that... .

Via my exUBPDgf.

It sucks.

I know.

Ironmanfalls It's a hard thing to be isolated when you are in such pain.

Your friends, your close friends, care about you and want to support you.

Is there some way you can let them back into your life and help you to heal?

Coming out of a dark place can be easier with a friend.

Can you accept the support of a friend, however it's offered, a call, a meet up?

[human101]

Ironmanfalls It's a hard thing to be isolated when you are in such pain.

Your friends, your close friends, care about you and want to support you.

Is there some way you can let them back into your life and help you to heal?

Coming out of a dark place can be easier with a friend.

Can you accept the support of a friend, however it's offered, a call, a meet up?

[saw_tooth]

When you are involved in an emotionally damaging trainwreck of a relationship I believe its pretty normal to want to tell people, to try to explain what happened while also looking for answers... .but alas, there are none, and most people don't know what to say and get tired of hearing us babble about it because they have no first hand knowledge of what it is like

True that.

[huhhuh]

like I was mugged

I got mugged once. People's reactions back then when I told them spread from sympathy to "Are you not a man? why didn't you fight him"

My point is: Choose the right people to talk about the trauma. The wrong people will not help you.

(And this trauma caused by broken relationship with NPD is far worse than getting mugged)

[saw_tooth]

When he left me and ran marathon speed after the second recycle,I too had the overwhelming urge to share my pain with anyone I met and ended up telling a friend who said 'had told you so'.I stopped sharing it with people who would not understand thereafter.

I used to discuss the incongruity of his behavior during the relationship with two of my very close friends and the three of us would try to put our heads together to find out the reasons for his behavior(we never could,till the end).When I learnt about BPD and finished researching it,I shared my findings with these two and we all finally breathed a sigh of relief having figured out what baffled us for months.

These two were  super-supportive even after things ended and have held my hand right through the pain and suffering till I stopped hurting.

As for the 'urge to share', it stops only after you accept the fact that your partner was sick and the relationship would not have worked no matter how hard you tried.This takes time to sink in but when it does, the guilt of 'I din't try hard enough' reduces and then vanishes and the pain we once felt is replaced by calmness and peace.

[mango_flower]

I think it's cos it's all so messy and confusing.

I am a verbal processor - and when I ramble on about stuff, it helps me to make sense of it all.

Also partly I think it's a way of wanting to be validated - that you're not a bad person, you're not crazy!

I dunno.

Just my thoughts

[frustrated b/f]

my ex an I have broken up so many times, friends stop asking. I'm sure they all suspect she'll be back in the picture soon, however I'm doing my best to see that never happens again.

Personally, i don't like talking bad about someone who's not present to defend themselves so I keep it on a need-to-know basis.

[Accepting]

I used to discuss the incongruity of his behavior during the relationship with two of my very close friends and the three of us would try to put our heads together to find out the reasons for his behavior(we never could,till the end).When I learnt about BPD and finished researching it,I shared my findings with these two and we all finally breathed a sigh of relief having figured out what baffled us for months.

These two were  super-supportive even after things ended and have held my hand right through the pain and suffering till I stopped hurting.

As for the 'urge to share', it stops only after you accept the fact that your partner was sick and the relationship would not have worked no matter how hard you tried.This takes time to sink in but when it does, the guilt of 'I din't try hard enough' reduces and then vanishes and the pain we once felt is replaced by calmness and peace.

My close friend who I lived with would also try to help decipher 'what the heck' was happening during the push/pull and silence episodes. She was and still is awesome - though I know she'll be happy for me to see the back of him. Other friends were understanding but ended up begrudging me for mentioning his name - which meant I went through a number of recycles and barely told anyone they'd happened. My family totally brushed him as being a 'player' and thought that I was simply being used for sex by him - that really hurt and was so hard to deal with because it has always been so much more than that. Even in moments (mainly when the undisputable evidence of his tattoo "Save me from Myself" came up) when they acknowledged that maybe he did have 'issues' they still didn't understand my feelings for him or why I felt I could trust in him... .why I went back to him. People said some really harsh things - likely coming from a place of caring for me, wanting me to move on and be happy - but they really just made the whole cycle even more upsetting and alienating.

I hope now that I've discovered BPD and been through what I have, that I can try to put a label on it in my mind and that stops the need for oversharing. Cos I know how much people who haven't been there, just don't get it. If I barely get it, how can I expect others to.

[fromheeltoheal]

I hope now that I've discovered BPD and been through what I have, that I can try to put a label on it in my mind and that stops the need for oversharing. Cos I know how much people who haven't been there, just don't get it. If I barely get it, how can I expect others to.

Feel free to 'overshare' here; people benefit from it, everyone's listening, and I've found if I spew it here I have less of a desire in the world, except for people who really care and can help.

[Ironmanrises]

Human,

Their invalidation was only hurting me further.

Just to show you... .

Some of the things they keep asking me... .

"Ironmanfalls... .

When are you returning to Facebook/Instagram... .?

You aren't serious...

That you are keeping it permanently closed... .?

You are not going... .

To let your ex have this power over you... .?"

You are still not healed... .?"

I don't need that.