mad at me for serving myself first, feeling judged

[Marcie]

I feel judged. Help me get out of victim mode.

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

Have you lost your self belief?

Probably need to devote more time to things that give you enjoyemnt and satisfaction.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Hey, what's going on?

[Marcie]

Waive rider thank-you for the reminder

[Marcie]

He got mad at me for serving myself dinner first and eating, instead of serving the kids first, i told him id serve the family first from now on, but he still sulked and went to bed early.

[waverider]

Whether it was the right or wrong thing to do it doesn't matter, we all do the wrong thing occasionally , it's not the end of the world. If he makes it so, that is his problem not yours. If you think it was wrong then it's just an "oops, sorry" moment.

If he judges you dont make it your problem, i'm sure the kids don't really care that much. It's up to you to stay centered and focused on what is important.

Sulking and going to bed is more detrimental to kids than being served second. So who's in any position to judge?

Dont value yourself by the standards of a disordered mind.

[eeyore]

Don't value yourself by the standards of a disordered mind.

I agree.  Ok he's mad if he wasn't mad about this it would be something else.  It sounds to me like he's going to find something to be mad about so you might as well let him be mad while you are happy doing your own thing.  You know some people are the misery loves company types and he could just be trying to make you company to his misery. 

Are you able to disengage and not feel judged?  What would you need to not feel judged?

[Marcie]

It helped me to realize tht yes we all make mistakes. I can validate myself by making a list of all the things i acknowledge myself for

[beachtalks]

"Victim mode" implies that he was somehow a perpetrator in this.  Maybe you feel he could have been more gentle with you on this; perhaps you needed your energy after a long day and cooking, before serving the kids?  Mothers rarely have a hot meal, ! 

Sounds like he saw himself and the kids as victims, too (even though the kids were probably fine with it). 

When my husband tries to guilt trip me, I take what I can learn, but am very careful not to let him take it further than appropriate--because if I let him, he will... .   

[eeyore]

Why is it that Mom always has to be served last?  Did you prepare the meal?  And why couldn't he help you?

[wishfulthinking]

Last weekend, I got in trouble for not making his plate on his time frame.  I let our guests finish getting their plates (they can help themselves, but he can't?) and then was going to get his... .You'd have thought I'd commited adultry.  He raged and raged after he got home (more than late) from his friend's house later.  It was ridiculous.  Seriously... .it's a PLATE... .

I feel for you. 

[aglaophone]

This is one boundary we're currently working on. Different people can have different ideas about any number of things. In a healthy relationship, partners can talk about those differences and decide how things are going to be handled in a household. Using your example, I know of a family where the mom and dad make dinner, and sit down to eat, and the kids don't get to eat until after they've cleaned the pans used to make dinner. You haven't committed a universal sin. If this is a sticking point, it should be discussed and decided on. You're allowed to have different ideas about the way things work, and you aren't a bad person for it.

I think everyone is right, that you were going to be in trouble for something.

[Marcie]

When I was growing up with my BPD mother, she did all the cooking and prepping and served us, rarely was I allowed to serve myself. I believe this was all about control and now I don't want to impose that on the kids. I want them to serve themselves and be able to make their own choices.

[waverider]

When I was growing up with my BPD mother, she did all the cooking and prepping and served us, rarely was I allowed to serve myself. I believe this was all about control and now I don't want to impose that on the kids. I want them to serve themselves and be able to make their own choices.

I've come across this, it can be about control, it can also be about making sure they get full credit for it. ie It is the final handing it to over that identifies the task as their doing. This happens in many situations. Presentation=praise/acknowlegment/validation for work done. Whereas the chore part, preparation /cleaning is not as high profile hence praiseworthy.

Ultimately it is about them doing things to gain maximum credit for minimum effort

[Marcie]

waverider that's very interesting. It's so true, I also wondered because my husband served up the meal if he feels keep Innoway prepared it even though I did all that prepping cleaning

[Marcie]

So I have taken my diet back and he sure seems to be struggling with it. Yesterday and today he was depressed all day and he said today that he was wondering how his life would be now if he had never gotten divorced from his ex-wife.

He is also upset with me about movies that I have been watching.

[waverider]

So I have taken my diet back and he sure seems to be struggling with it. Yesterday and today he was depressed all day and he said today that he was wondering how his life would be now if he had never gotten divorced from his ex-wife.

Playing victim, rewriting history, and guilt tripping you to do things his way

He is also upset with me about movies that I have been watching.

That's his problem, you are entitled to watch what you like you are an independent adult. That's "your stuff"

[wishfulthinking]

Marcie,

The movie thing... .... .I feel ya.

I'm not "allowed" to watch Sons of Anarchy or Dexter... .

[Marcie]

yea he doesn't like Dexter either, neither does my BPD mom