Trying to get out of this mess

[joolz29]

Hi,

I have been reading posts on here for some time now but never dared post, but, deep breath, here goes now... .I began being a respite carer/foster carer for a girl 5 years ago.Long story how - basically her social worker knew me and persuaded me to do it anyway, she was 14. Initially all went great, she loved coming to mine every 2nd weekend.and over the years has also lived with me for some months when family stuff broke down.I knew her history was troubled (Sexually abused by father, both parents alcoholics, now deceased, in and out of care from age 3, wide dysfunction in her present family) but what I saw was a charming , bright, intelligent young person with great potential. She struggled - excluded many times from school, and has always struggles to make meaningful friendships and has low, low self esteem/self belief.

Anyway, no surprise to anyone on here, as time progressed, increasingly the relationship became difficult. She is argumentative, blows hot and cold, sometimes desperate to see me, other times saying she hates me and wants me out her life. She is now 19 and pregnant and things have really come to the point where I want to break the cycle. I am sure that she shows all the characteristics of someone with BPD. She point blank refuses to engage with any professional support that she has been offered in the past. She says there is nothing wrong with her and yet she has also acknowledged to me that she knows she does need some help sometimes.  I get endless abusive texts, accusing me, amongst other things of having mental health issues (I don't!) and that she wants me out her life and not knowing her baby but then continues to contact me with abusive texts. Last time I saw her was a month ago and everything was calm, although she had started asking for money from me, as she is now living with the boyfriend (he has no job and has debts and a weed habit) She had contacted me asking me to meet her to try to 'sort things'  and I gave her the benefit of the doubt AGAIN for the millionth time!

Sure her triggers for this latest episode  are the imminent birth of the baby and her moving out of her home.Her relationship with the father of the baby is volatile. She had only known him for 3 weeks when she got pregnant and the relationship was already broken up several times. Her situation is pretty desperate. I can not see her coping with a baby and suspect she wont and I am at a loss as to what to do now. I swing between feeling really sorry for her and wanting to try to support her and realising I need to get out of this for my own sanity sake.  None of my friends or family want me to have any contact with her which tells me a lot but it is so hard to walk away.What advice can you guys offer? Many Thanks for reading and just being on this - it helps!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Suzn]

Hello joolz29   

I'm sorry you've gone through all of this with your foster daughter. Bpd is a serious and confusing mental disorder, you've come to the right place for answers on how to improve your relationship with her. There are many adoptive parents here that all understand what you're going through. 

A parent's greatest wish is for their child, whatever their age, to be healthy and happy. When a child suffers from BPD, often not only is the child unhappy and unhealthy, but so is everyone who loves them. This mental illness severely affects everyone, creating drama and heartbreak, while also piling on the guilt and anxiety. Most parents search desperately for answers, and try all the gimmicks that popular culture tells us should work - only to face even more severe rages and acting out behavior.

There are answers though, and we are here to offer you the support and encouragement to help you reach those goals. There are things that can be done to stop making things worse and begin to make them better. A great place to start is with this set of resources:

What can a parent do?

This workshop, one of many here, may be helpful

Helping our children deal with trauma

How are you coping? Taking care of you is equally important.

[joolz29]

Thanks for replying Suzn. Things are definitely coming to a head now. More abusive texts today, demanding clothes she left here. I have repeatedly told her she can have them back but realise it is not really about her clothes. She is using this as an excuse for texting me, threatening to go to the police, reporting her clothes as stolen by me etc.  I'm going to drop her stuff off with her social worker tomorrow and change my mobile number. Feels horrible but this can not go on like this. This illness is horrible what it does to people. Distorted thinking and desire to hurt me  when all I tried to do was help... .

[joolz29]

I seem to have  been moved to a new board! Think I have come to the end of the road now  :'( handed clothes etc over to social worker who advised no further contact . I think I am now a trigger. Not sure how much social worker 'gets' this whole thing really Anyway, my question for now, is WHY do I feel SO SO sad about cutting contact with someone who has treated me pretty badly?  I do feel horrible. Like I have gone against my promise  to her, made years ago. I said I would not abandon her, and sure feels like I am doing just that but things have got too abusive and unpleasant in the last few weeks. So hard to understand. This is not how I ever wanted things to be or end - social worker said foster daughter can not do 'happy 'endings but there is no apparent reason for the sudden and abrupt change in her way of seeing me except I was getting too close for comfort. Struggling with the whole thing really... .

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, joolz29... .I'd like to join suzn in welcoming you! Your post is now on the Parenting a Son or Daughter with BPD Board, where there are many members who will know exactly what you are going through with your foster daughter. BPD really is a horrible disorder, and the only way to get a handle on it is to understand how your foster daughter's brain works. We have many Articles, Lessons, Workshops and Videos on this site that can help you do that. At the top of the first page of this Board you will find a pinned thread called Suggested Reading that links to so much educational information that can guide you.

One thing that I've noticed in my learning how to deal with my own adult son (36) who was recently diagnosed with BPD, was that Radical Acceptance for family members is one of the foundations of our being able to cope with behaviors that seem amazingly strange and crazy to us. And, just because right now you are being advised to be in No Contact with her, that doesn't mean that someday that can't change. There could be a time where it will be healthy and safe for you to have a good relationship with her, but in the meantime--while the two of you are not being in contact--you could read all you can, learn all you can, and practice the techniques that can lead to a good relationship: Communication using validation. What it is; how to do it and TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth.

I know that all of this is very confusing and painful, but you are among friends here who understand what you are going through. If you spend this time reading the links that suzn provided for you above, and the links in this post, you will find that learning all of this information can replace that pain with understanding and compassion for your foster daughter. Learning the communication tools that have helped so many of us on this site to improve our relationships with our BPD children, can replace the confusion you feel with a sense of calm and confidence once you are able to talk to her again... .Please keep reading, telling your story and asking your questions; it really can help 

[Kate4queen]

I seem to have  been moved to a new board! Think I have come to the end of the road now  :'( handed clothes etc over to social worker who advised no further contact . I think I am now a trigger. Not sure how much social worker 'gets' this whole thing really Anyway, my question for now, is WHY do I feel SO SO sad about cutting contact with someone who has treated me pretty badly?  I do feel horrible. Like I have gone against my promise  to her, made years ago. I said I would not abandon her, and sure feels like I am doing just that but things have got too abusive and unpleasant in the last few weeks. So hard to understand. This is not how I ever wanted things to be or end - social worker said foster daughter can not do 'happy 'endings but there is no apparent reason for the sudden and abrupt change in her way of seeing me except I was getting too close for comfort. Struggling with the whole thing really... .

I think we all feel horrible when we're put in these impossible situations by the children we love.

None of us want to be here and have to deal with this stuff, but that fact that we are here shows more clearly than anything else that we are still loving concerned parents.

Sometimes you have to take a step back and save yourself. As someone on this board commented, if you jump in and drown with them you'll both be gone, so focus on making yourself strong enough to offer your BPD person a hand out of that pool.

My son knew every single guilt button to push to make me jump to make things right for him. It's been so hard to step back and see that I was enabling him rather than helping him learn to help himself. I also had to work out that all the raging and blaming wasn't really about me at all but his attempt to control his own fears of abandonment.

So sorry you are going through this, but you are not alone. You are not a bad person for wanting to save yourself. We all understand.

[js friend]

WHY do I feel SO SO sad about cutting contact with someone who has treated me pretty badly?  I do feel horrible. Like I have gone against my promise  to her, made years ago. I said I would not abandon her, and sure feels like I am doing just that but things have got too abusive and unpleasant in the last few weeks. So hard to understand. This is not how I ever wanted things to be or end

Hi joolz29,

You may feel a little better if you write your dd a letter.That way she will know that this is break is hopefully not forever.

[joolz29]

Thanks to everyone for your helpful and supportive replies. I guess the thing that upsets me the most is the sudden break in contact - as if I never existed at all, despite being really involved for years.  Was so looking forward to meeting her baby, and she knew that but now don't think that will happen. Feel like I'm being punished for some unknown crime I committed... .Being too involved? Showing I cared?

Maybe time helps being NC . In the mean time,trying to get on with things and not dwell on it all. Has anyone ever felt like they suffer from some of the BPD symptoms themselves when being on the receiving end of all the crazy stuff? So hard to explain to anyone who has not experienced a relationship like this so very glad these boards exist!

[mary93]

Hi Joolz29 I can definitely feel your pain and know exactly what you are going through. My own daughter of 20 has turned her back on me for god only knows what reason. No contact, none whatsoever , will not answer phone or texts or emails, but is speaking to many other people. Its as if she has it in for me, me who was by her side for her whole life and the people who were not there for her are now suddenly the people she is with? very very complicated disorder. I am to some point enjoying the break form the "behavior" as it was really getting me down, but now have other issues with her to deal with (suicide and no communication with her). People say we don't understand them, well we are suffering also, perhaps just as much as them. Hang in there, this is a great place to be. Also the book that has got me through it it "stop walking on eggshells" it has gotten me through many very sad and crying nights.

[joolz29]

Thanks mary93 - it is so hurtful to be on the receiving end of and I really feel for you dealing with your daughter. It was reading  'stop walking on eggshells' gave me the courage to come on here and share with you all as i realised it was not 'my fault' that things got so out of hand and went so badly wrong but the illness  I think my foster d has, that makes her behave like she does. Had been ok with things recently but having a bad day. Know the baby is due any day and find it so hard to accept that having been such a big part of her life for 7 years, I'm not even going to know when her baby is born or get to meet the baby and a whole load of other people who dont really care will get that chance to be involved. But also know that things wont be smooth or easy. I'm guessing someone who struggles with close r/ships so much is going to find bringing up a baby(so dependant and helpless) a massive challenge? Feel I should be there to help but know,as long as I'm painted black that can't be.Part of me knows it would all turn nasty again anyway and the baby would be the new way of controlling how she behaved towards me. Sorry for rambling - feeling it today but than you for reading!

[qcarolr]

Has anyone ever felt like they suffer from some of the BPD symptoms themselves when being on the receiving end of all the crazy stuff? So hard to explain to anyone who has not experienced a relationship like this so very glad these boards exist!

Sometimes this is called having 'fleas'  . For me it is part of my 'rescue/victim' cycles, that I am working to overcome. Accepting that my BPDDD27 is who she is and will do what she does helps - radically accepting. This allows me the internal space to allow my loving feelings for her to exist, even as our relationship needs physical space apart. Writing letters has helped us the past few weeks of intense distress between us.

My gd8 was born a month after DD turned 19. She was a caring mom for about 7 months, until the daddy ended up in jail for a year. Then she was off 'taking my turn to have fun', and gd was left with us. Yet even when she was with her baby, she was often not 'there' with her baby - emotionally.

I am glad there is a social worker involved in your girl's life to watch the care of this child and provide various types of support. Be kind to yourself - educate yourself - practice new skills with validation, empathy, and self-care during this time. So often things change, and she may reach out to you again.

qcr

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[joolz29]

So the day I was dreading has been and gone - she has had her baby. I only know this as I looked on her twitter account (it's public, ofcourse) and saw a pic of the brand new baby obviously born y'day. I burst into tears and still feel very emotional and confused. A matter of months ago, I would have been one of the first to know and now I found out on twitter. Feel so sad about it all. She clearly does not want me to know which feels so so hurtful as I have never done anything nasty to her to deserve all this but telling me would acknowledge I might actually matter I suppose. And all   the so called 'friends' commenting on the pic - where were they when she needed a roof over her head when her family chucked her out? Not once but 3 times in the last 5 years. Never again will I allow myself to be so badly used by someone who can be so cruel. Dont know how but think I should be moved onto the 'Leaving'boards now.I admire you all for sticking with your children but in my situation, blood has proved so much thicker than water and I can not keep putting myself through this torture. Keep thinking about all the lovely things she said about me seeing the baby - suited her fine to have me around when she wanted baby clothes bought.Contemplated sending a text saying had she has the baby but realise I would be laying myself wide open for a whole load of abuse and accusations so wont do :'( if I sound bitter, it is i guess because in some way I am. A new birth into this world should be a source of joy and maybe for her it will be but to keep me around until a month before she moved back to her village where her family live and then in 48 hours go from saying how much she loved me to saying she wanted me out her life for ever and how much she hated me - too much for me. Let me off the emotional roller coaster now please and good luck to all you brave souls out there... .

[Rapt Reader]

Dont know how but think I should be moved onto the 'Leaving'boards now.I admire you all for sticking with your children but in my situation, blood has proved so much thicker than water and I can not keep putting myself through this torture.

Hi, joolz29 

I'm really so sorry that you are going through all this pain... .I do know what it feels like to have a grandchild coming and be in "No Contact" with the mother. In my case, it was my uBPD DIL and non-Son, but luckily by the day of the birth we'd made a patched-up truce. But, for months before the baby was born, I was in fear of never meeting my first grandchild... .Sad days.

When a family member has BPD, the illness can negatively everyone in the family system, including children, siblings, and in-laws. Senior members on the [L5]  Coping and Healing from a BPD Parent, Sibling, or Inlaw board are experienced with and can help you with setting boundaries, finding relief from FOG, encouraging self-care, improving your handling of relationships impacted by your BPD relative, and pursuing a path of recovery from traumatic experiences. The validation, information, and support will give you strength on your journey.

Maybe the Healing Board linked to above could help you? Just click the link I provided here; there are so many wonderful and healing links to the right side of the margin there that could prove very soothing and helpful. I'd go over there and read all you can, if you haven't been on that Board yet. The LESSONS and SUGGESTED READING threads that are pinned to the top of that page are very worthwhile... .If you head on over there (and, of course, you can post your story over there, too), please let us know if it helps. And keep us up-to-date as to how you are doing, OK?

We are all rooting for you... .

[jellibeans]

Dear joolz29

Your pain and disappointment is very overwhelming right now. Take the time to greive... .this has been a very hard time for you. I want to suggest reading Overcoming BPD bu Valerie Porr... .it really was the one book that made sense to me and a read them all.

I want to say something to you and I hope you don't take it the wrong way... .but I find when our children treat us the worse is when they are in the most pain. they are projecting on us because they don't know what to do with it and they want you to see how much they are hurting. That doesn't mean they can treat you poorly and it is good to have boundaries to protect yourself. I alway come back to remember that my child is mentally ill and they always don't know what to do with their pain. Maybe you are the fixer like me... .running behind her saving her and making things better. That is a hard role to let go of... .standing back and letting my dd make mistakes is part of life. I think this is what you are trying to do by going nc but I do think there is a way to have contact with your dd and still protect yourself from abuse. Have you thought about seeing a therapist? someone to help you get through all of this and maybe in the future can help repair the relationship with your dd?

I think if you read the book I suggested it might help you understand this disorder better. Then you will be in a better place to make deccisions regarding your dd. Able to take the emotion out of the situation and look at dd from a different postition... .look at her as someone who is ill and then you will know how to interact and support her. I hope my words have not hurt you in anyway because I know you are hurting very much but I want you to know your dd loves you very much see just doesn't know how to show it.

[jellibeans]

I am sorry but one more thing I would like to suggest that other have already is writing her a letter. When I have done this in the past with my dd it has helped a great deal. It might also help you heal as well.

[joolz29]

Thanks to jellibeans, rapt reader and qcarolr for replying - means a lot and jellibeans -nothing you said hurt me at all - far from it To know that there are people who have gone through similiar things as me and survived and can sound so positive is a great comfort to me. I will read the links and get hold of the book you have suggested to me. And yes, I think I am a fixer/rescuer!The only thing is that my situation is different to all of yours as the person in my life who is causing me all this pain is my foster daughter not my actual daughter - although she said on many, many occasions she wished I were her real mum but, and it is a big but, I do think it changes the relationship as I 'chose' to be part of her life and she has always struggled with the whys of that and now that I'm painted black, you can all no doubt imagine ,that she can not see anything positive in what I offered her but she has text me a whole lot of abuse about how I'm a weirdo and freak getting involved in other peoples' lifes etc so maybe this just aint getting fixed again. I'm sure having her own baby will have brought up old, old traumas and upsets for her, even subconsciously. Her own mum rejected her and this is where, I think the real hurt comes from and is and has been projected onto me many times. I would write a letter but she has not even told me her address. She moved into her own flat about a month ago and this coincided with the massive rejection of me - 'I dont want you in mine or my baby's life' stuff - I can see lots of reason why this has happened - moving in with the boyfriend she knows she has told me nothing good or positive about, back in her own community - ie I'm not needed, fear of being too dependant on me, (she has already told me she hates feeling like this but does, proving to herself she does not need me in her life etc etc) so for now... .Thank you all from the bottom of my heart for reading and being so kind and making me realise it is not me,or my fault this has happened. I think it is quite possible that in a few months, she might well get in touch (pattern from the past) and at least with info, I can be prepared. She is a complex girl with a lot of pain and sadness she carries and I never wanted to add to it but feel right now that I am hated and she can not see anything but bad in me so if I did try to get in touch to make peace, it would backfire. So, like I guess many of you know, it is time to get on with my life, build up my own reserves (much trashed!) and see what the future brings... .

[jellibeans]

joolz29

I think you are doing what is best right now. I am sorry things are so bad for your dd but I am hopeful that in the future things will improve and there will be an opportunity for the both of you to rebuild your relationship.  

[mary93]

Hang in there joolz29, as jellibeans said our children hurt us the most (and yes she is your daughter, whether foster or not I am sure you consider her your daughter as don't think you would be here We get tired, upset, hurt angry and we think all sorts of things. I also want to on certain days turn the page and never look back on my DD, but I know she has a mental illness, if she had cancer I would not turn away. Perhaps just a break, without saying anything, just let her come to you when she is ready. Perhaps the birth of the baby has stirred up her hormones etc and god only knows what she is feeling right now. Take a few steps back, take care of yourself first but don't cut off permanently your daughter, as there is also the baby to consider now. My daughter is ignoring me, and I fell to send her a text to tell her I am done, but why bother, shes ignoring me anyways. I am doing all sorts of therapy and it is helping me make it through each day, as this is the hardest thing I have ever lived through and yes I do resent my daughter for putting me through this at times, but then bring myself back by remembering the good times we had and that she has a disorder. Do something for yourself that will make YOU happy. I have signed up for a workshop on dealing with BPD, but it only starts in January, so meanwhile I am taking one day at a time. Borderlines hurt the ones the love the most, so please please keep that in the back of your mind, she does love you My daughter has hurt me soo much its unbelievable, so she must realllly love me

[joolz29]

Hi Mary93 and sorry for the long delay in replying - been doing a LOT of thinking! I know you understand the pain this illness brings with it, that is obvious from what you write and I hope your situation will improve in time.

I never wanted my relationship with my foster d to end but she has cut me off, not the other way around. I have no way of getting in contact with her and she may or may not get in touch one day but I dont think so. I've realised i represent something for her that reminds her of something uncomfortable - she came to me on respite care cos her own family 'needed a break' every 2nd weekend.She hated the fact they did that although we did get on really well, she felt rejected by them every second week of her life When respite ended, due to her family putting an end to it (long story but I was accused of being 'too nice' to her, 'spoiling her and trying to turn her against them'  - seeing as how they treated her, just being respectful and kind to her would have seemed weird to them but that is a different story - it always felt to me that she was the family scapegoat and they did not  actually really like her v much but they received a good whack of money for kinship care for keeping her) So anyhow, she chose to keep in touch with me,  and so that always created a tension - have to say her social worker at the time was v supportive of our relationship and said she had no problem with it as she saw me a positive influence and said at 16 (this was 3 years ago), she could decide for herself who she wanted to see.But with secrecy and lies comes guilt and cover up so I think, part of the entire rejection of me and the 'get out my life for good' is cos she cant deal with me and her family and seeing as she moved back to the village her family live in, I had to go. I had asked to meet her bf too but she said she had not told him about being in care when she was younger and did not want him to know about that side of her life so despite telling me she had told him all about me, I'm guessing she had not told him - in the horrible set of fall out texts she said 'he does not even know you exist' so now she is living with him, how can I be involved in her life? Sorry this is rambling and long but trying to explain why I think my situation is now that I'm no longer required or wanted in her life. I kinda saw it coming when she first got pregnant  and I even shared my worries with her. She always said not to be silly and ofcourse she would keep in touch and come and see me with the baby but, as I've learnt on here, saying and doing seem to be different things to someone with this illness. I think the reality of facing her family (they are nosey as well as obnoxious and would be the kind of folk to check up on who was visiting her - small village =nothing goes unnoticied) with the fact she still saw me would be too difficult - she did promise she would tell them when she moved into her own house but again words v actions... .and with a new baby, she cant afford to lose their support, limited and begrudging as it might be... .Although the ending was brutal , hurtful,cruel things got said, ofcourse there is a  small of me hopes to hear from her but I wonder that she will feel I abandoned her, even though she told me to leave her alone, or feel so bad about the whole situation that she will not manage to get back in touch. So - I need to move on for now. I have been devastated by this -this was a relationship build over 7 years -  the lack of closure, the abrupt and brutal change in 48 hours from 'I love you' to 'if you contact me again I'm going to the police' Yup - claiming I was harassing her - she was the one who sent me about 20 texts after I said don't text me again but guess that is good old BPD projection there. There boards have been really helpful but I'm not sure my situation fits  on either the Parent or the  Leaving boards as I'm somewhere in limbo - not a family member and not a partner but reading all the behaviours and sad, sad stories have made me see what a hideous, cruel and hope crushing illness BPD is and I'm 100% sure that is what I have been dealing with.Too many 'fits'. I have decided to start some therapy to look at what got me so hooked in and so stuck when things went wrong so that should help. Thanks for all of you who support us on here.It helps!

[mary93]

Hi There Joolz29, glad that you have decided to get some therapy for yourself, as I do regularly and I can tell you that is the only thing that has kept me going. I also do group therapy, which I absolutely love, as the interaction with others facing the same things helps me realize that I am not the only one going through this and that I did my best and did nothing wrong. My daughter has turned her back on me to go live with her father who was never there for her ever (was in jail most of her life) and he has tons of $$$, so she is benefiting financially, which hurts me deeply, but I do realize that it is the disorder that moved in with the father, not my daughter   On that note I had read something here in a comment yesterday somewhere and this is what someone said and it it absolutely true, it goes as such... .if you do everything, you do everything wrong. If you do nothing (her dad), you do nothing wrong! Sad, but true in her eyes  (he did absolutely nothing but she doesn't get that yet)  ... .this makes. Borderlines who fear abandonment and rejection sadly turn to the very ones who abandoned them and rejected them, and I find that so hard to deal with, but that's the nature of the beast. My daughter does occasionally now send me a nice text, mixed in with "nasty" texts, so I just try and ignore the nasty text. When you mentioned the police etc, brought me back to group the other night, one girl has told everyone that her father is watching teenage porn online just to cause trouble (the therapist told them when these types of things happen, to say ok lets go down to the police station and sort this out, that should put a stop to the false accusations) Borderlines know our sensitive spots and are like vultures circling their preys knowing when and how to attack, they are masters at it. I would be curious to know of any long term studies done and how everyone fared out, meaning do the borderlines eventually function pretty well and the families are left in shambles, as when I look at myself and all the other parents, we are not looking so good, physically and emotionally. One day out of the blue you will probably hear something nice from your foster daughter, in the meantime take care of you and do what is good for you and your survival and your health.   

[joolz29]

Thanks for your kind words Mary and I think you make a really good point that it is the disorder that  drives the behaviour , which makes the hurtful, crazy making stuff happen. I feel for you. I'm glad you find support in your group.

I think I'm slowing getting to a place where I can see that in my situation, I have to just accept that this is how it is. One thing learning about BPD, a totally different thing accepting that someone you love dearly suffers from it and there is nothing you can do to change this.  I often wonder if I could have stopped things getting so nasty, by not 'challenging' my foster daughter for cancelling on me with no notice, constantly borrowing money and not paying me back and basically making me feel used and taken for granted - it was me saying that no one likes to feel used that I think kick started the whole massive fall out and painting me black but now I see that it would always have happened for one reason or another. She can not cope with feeling that she is close to me I guess - the more concerned I showed for her laterally, the more she drew away and now, although it is only months, it feels like a very long time ago that I last saw her. She will be molding her personality to fit her new circumstances now and I think I would find it hard to even recognise her now.  Who knows what will happen in the future - my guess is I will, one day hear from her again but not for a very long time - time for her r/ship with her boyfriend to fall apart and her family to fall out with her and then I'm guessing, I may be turned white again but who knows? For now - I'm trying to see that she is genuinely ill and nothing I did/could have done would change the BPD pendulum swinging backwards to hating me.  She said she loved me often but equally hated me in the past few months. One of my friends made the point  to me that in the time I had known my f daughter, she had spent more time falling out with me than not, constantly testing my love for her, push/pull, how much will you take, I know you will leave me one day so just let me make sure you do stuff -  and I think that is probably true. My question for myself is now, why did I put up with being on the receiving end of this for so long and accept such abusive behaviour so often.  Remember, I put myself into this situation by offering to get involved in her life as I wanted to help and thought I could.Once I understand that, I think I will feel much better. Anyway, in the meantime, best wishes to all on these boards and keep on, keeping on!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[joolz29]

 Earlier in the week I got a text from an unknown number just saying 'i need my bag' I passed on her things to the social worker  weeks ago so either it is an attempt to get back in touch or the social worker, for whatever reason has not handed back her things. really confused now. I text back to say i had passed on her things to the social worker. No reply since.Is she just testing to see how I react? I am so wary now after what happened I can not trust my own judgement anymore as I dont want to reenter the thing just to get more abusive texts back. Any advice? I dont want to ask the social worker if she handed things over as it is really none of my business now and dont want to look as if Im checking up on her either. Is my fdaughter likely to be trying to get a reaction from me?

[mary93]

Hi Joolz29, with BPD we never really know what is up. Could be an attempt to reconnect or could not be. I find it all very confusing myself. Example, my daughter is living in a mansion with her dad and had to come to by crappy little apartment to print out something? Also needed a small bottle of shampoo she had left when $$ is unlimited at her dads? Sometimes I think its an attempt to reconnect, but then the actual seeing each other is very awkward and cold. For me, I believe nothing will change until she is will into her therapy. She could very well be looking to get a reaction from you, as perhaps things are not so great with her and she is trying to "poke the hornets nest" being you the one constant in her life, as you are the person closest to her. I myself have decided to not allow myself to be poked by my daughter anymore, she will have to find another "nest" to poke when things are not going well, as I need to survive myself. The fact that you did not receive a text back after you texted sounds like what my daughter does exactly, so it means either she did get the stuff, the social worker did not give it to her or she is just trying to get a reaction from you. I guess we should all get prepared, as the holidays are coming, should be interesting to say the least to see how all this plays out with our BPD and how they will deal with this.   

[hopeangel]

Hi Joolz29!

I just wanted to offer a bit of support as you have been through a strange kind of hell that we all understand here, but not many others would know about!

If it helps at all, my daughter vilified me for a couple of years after the death of my parents (I think those tradgedys triggered her abandonment issues beyond a point she could handle!)

I was also called a weirdo and a freak and accused of appalling things, which cut me to the core and broke my heart.  One of the most painful things was that she seemed to forget about her loving relationship with my parents and me and seemed sure we had all been poisoning her throughout her childhood and that was why she couldn't think straight!

I one received a text from a friend of hers from college that I'd never met (she usually has very transient friendships which only last a few months) which was quite abusive in content saying that the girl was sick of seeing my dd so upset by my abuse of her and I had better stop abusing her as she was a lovely girl and didn't deserve a mother like me.  This was at a time when we seemed to be getting on well too!

I am telling you about these things because one thing I do know now (my dd told me this and it fits in with everything Ive learned about BPD) is that she acted out hate for me because I was the only person left that she relied upon for love and support and that felt too vulnerable, it was easier to try to drive me away, she couldn't handle feeling 'soft'!

I felt like walking away and saving myself all the time (I was grieving for my lovely parents too at the time!) and I can understand, if there were no blood ties, that anyone would do that, I am just hoping to console you with the fact that, a pwBPD will cause the most pain to the person they love most as it is their way of self-protection from perceived future abandonment.

I just wanted you to know that you WERE loved and let you know I completely know of the pain you are going through.  I felt I was a kindly, loving type of mother, just as you were and it is such a kick in the teeth that they react to this with utter disgust but in actual fact it is their pain that drives them to hurt us so.

My daughter is fairly loving towards me now and I learn more all the time but I do have to admit, my heart is still broken that this has happened to us at all.

You are a good, kind soul and your pain is undeserved.

HTH 

[mary93]

Wow Hopeangel, just when I had seemed to forgotten all this info (as I have had to learn all about BPD and quickly) you brought me back to reality, that it is not our fault, that they do love us etc. I was at a very critical stage last night as it is going very badly with my DD, but your message helped so much you'll never know. Strange how when we think we can't go on any more that something comes along to give us the strength to continue this battle. Thanks ever so much       

[crumblingdad]

Earlier in the week I got a text from an unknown number just saying 'i need my bag' I passed on her things to the social worker  weeks ago so either it is an attempt to get back in touch or the social worker, for whatever reason has not handed back her things. really confused now. I text back to say i had passed on her things to the social worker. No reply since.Is she just testing to see how I react? I am so wary now after what happened I can not trust my own judgement anymore as I dont want to reenter the thing just to get more abusive texts back. Any advice? I dont want to ask the social worker if she handed things over as it is really none of my business now and dont want to look as if Im checking up on her either. Is my fdaughter likely to be trying to get a reaction from me?

Haven't been on the board in a week or so and just got through reading this thread.  So sorry to hear all this joolz.  A couple things... .First, so very sorry for all you've gone through.  You are in the right place as others have said as many of us can empathize as well as sympathize with what you're going through and so much of it is similar. 

I do want to say I think you feel like her mom and rightly so despite your disclaimers as "only" being a foster mother.  As an adoptee, which is different then foster child I know,  I can assure you that a mom is made through love and care and nurturing which you have done selflessly and with great sacrifice for many years - it is not necessarily a title granted solely through the birth process.  So don't minimize all the love and nurturing you've provided - you've been a great mom to her which she desperately needed.

I think Hopeangel made a great point.  Our loved ones with BPD typically strike out hardest at those of us who love them and are there for them most.  Fact is that with BPD typically is a great sense of and fear of abandonment and those suffering from it have such loathing they don't feel they deserve that love and support.  So combined with the fear that those who love them most will abandon them, and their disregulated emotions they often are finding a way to strike out and both test that commitment in an attempt to see if those who love them most will finally walk away to prove to themselves they are not worthy of our love.  It's confusing, it's traumatic, and it's awful to suffer but as we understand the illness we often are able to bettter cope with it and learn how to communicate with them and support them, hopefully breaking that cycle.

I think earlier it was asked if you could write her a letter?  My advice is, have you considered doing that?  I don't advise it if it's too much for you right now.  Your priority right now has to be YOU and the grieving and process of helping yourself cope and understand all of this.  If so though, maybe pass the letter on to the social worker to give to her?  Explain you love her unconditionally but that you cannot tolerate the current abuse and that the door is not permanently closed if she's willing to get help and stop abusing you.  However, communicate this will take time and you also need to repair your wounds and care for yourself first.  Let her know the door is closed for now and that you will always love her and can be there for her again in a supportive fashion once you've both done some healing and she cans how that she won't be abusive.  What's most important is to know you've been a wonderful loving supportive person and your emotions and feelings are real, they are appropriate and you have every right to feel all the pain and anger you're now going through.  No matter what is spoken, deep beneath all the illness and anger there is probably a girl who does love you very much and appreciates it and is incapable of communicating that.

Hope some of this helps and thoughts and prayers are with you in this difficult time.

[joolz29]

Crumblingdad, hopeangel and mary93 I feel genuinely moved that I have received such kindness and reassurance from people who really do understand what I have been going through and still am trying to make sense of. Thank you   I  think that until you have been through such an experience , it is impossible to understand the sense of pain,loss and confusion it causes. What you say makes sense. Deep down in my own heart, I know it is true. She told me so many times she did not 'deserve' me and how much I had helped her but lately other factors took over. She told me she hated feeling so dependent on me and she felt she was relying on me too much so what followed in some way does make sense in the mind of someone who is not able to trust or express her real fears. It makes me feel so sad but also I realise that I can do no more for now.  Thank you all 3 of you for taking the time to make me feel better and remind me that I am dealing with an injured soul who is not able to deal with her own feelings in a healthy way. You all helped me see that again  

[hopeangel]

Joolz you are right! They are in such pain, they fight that demon the whole time!

You are the scapegoat, I am the scapegoat and Mary and Crumbling dad are too, all of us here who love and care the most.

We will suffer many 'dark nights of the soul' before we are out - Mary i'm so glad I could help with one of yours!     

You know time time-honoured saying 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger!' , whoever said that had a BPD child I reckon!

Love and strength to you all, my friends Im so glad I found you here!     

Joolz I have a feeling you may hear from her again, it is never the happy ending we wish for, as you know im sure, more of a slow, painful, erratic mending!

I wish you luck and love!     

[pessim-optimist]

Hi everyone, there's been a lot of really good advice here.

I just want to chip in with one little bit that I have learned with our situation, and that has made me feel better and less hurt over time:

When the pwBPD "ends it" and it's "forever" and they "never felt loved", etc, etc, they really feel that way at the moment. BUT the difference is, that their feelings and views CHANGE with time.

What hurts us that do not suffer from BPD, is that we sometimes interpret their "forever" and "don't ever talk to me again" in OUR language, with our non-disordered logic. And that hurts badly.

When we learn to see their statements through the logic of BPD, and see it for what it is, the words loose their sting (at least a little bit). 

[joolz29]

Yes pessim-optimist I have received some amazing advice here So much so that I think I'm going to try and take some time away from the boards - for positive reasons though. The fact that I posted, looking for answers, reassurance and help, not sure how my story would be received, and I have felt so understood and supported means so much to me. My own friends and family have struggled to understand why I have found this so difficult and upsetting as in their view, I just need to move on and forget all about my foster d, who they think is a bad and ungrateful girl BUT I know that it is way more complex than that and coming on here has validated my feelings. I feel calmer and less distressed. I found out about BPD on the internet and although my foster d is not diagnosed, no one on here has suggested that her behaviour is not suggestive of this terrible illness and that in itself has helped me. I am dealing with something massive here, not just teenage misbehaviour. And so, I think I now need to give myself some space away.Like several of you, I do not think this is the end of my story and I'm sure I will be back and will keep you updated. My posts have been read over 1000 times and that again makes me see my story is significant, my r/ship does deserve help and advice, my f daughter does deserve love and support even if it is just being held 'in mind' at the moment.