Boundaries, Time Outs, Anger and Lecturing

[Seashells]

I'm currently struggling with in my relationship with my dBPDbf.  I currently feel it's a broken situation. Recently diagnosed, not in active therapy.

I've tried to set boundaries (obviously not so effectively) about raging at me via text.  Breaking up with me, saying all kinds of hurtful things, spewing crap when he's dysregulated.    From our conversations afterwards,  he attempts to justify it.   I should just accept it and ignore it.  (like now that he's diagnosed I should just understand  )

He bounces right back after he calms down and expects me to happily go along and act lovingly towards him like it never happened.  I haven't been able to do this, and frankly, I'm pretty sure I don't want to do this, it leaves me with pits in my stomach and I just can't blow it off.

I find myself becoming resentful and am angered for days.  When I try to do a time out, he argues with me. He keeps trying to engage me in conversation.   He berates me for being non-communicative. 

Yesterday I had pits in my stomach all day.  I'm tired of feeling that way from dealing with it.

I even hung up on him.  He was trying to talk over me, wouldn't listen to my request to talk later after I calm down. Now he will focus on how hurtful I am to him by hanging up on him.  Then he asks me for a time out via text.   

I've been trying to reason and realize I "lecture", which isn't working of course (it's my own form of venting).  And I'm done doing that as well, it's pointless and I recognize it's my own attempt to control his behavior. 

TWO WEEKS AGO he told me he understood WHY I didn't want to bring up certain subjects due to his reactions.  That is now out the window, now I don't communicate. If I bring up what he said two weeks ago?  It's just another round of circles.

We can spend hours a day going over his stuff that "hurts him".  I get frustrated having to re-explain everything every week. 

I've been trying to set "defensive boundaries" and realize it's not working.  I struggle with how to change it and communicate it.  Frankly, once he breaks a boundary I need time to clear my own emotions before trying any of the communication tools.  I struggle with his resentment over me even doing that. 

What do your boundaries look like?  Do you enforce them verbally primarily, or do you just take action and that's it?  I read the sugggestions in the lessons.  He either resists, or attempts to use them against me afterwards.

I feel stuck.  I keep reading Phoebe123's insights and it's going to be my goal to get there.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Seashells]

Sorry Phoebe, it appears I'm dyslexic as well.   

[123Phoebe]

Hi shellsSea  

Trying to set boundaries is not the same as actually having them   One thing I've learned is that I have to be strong.  Mean it.  Even if it means losing the relationship.  Especially if it means losing the relationship.

One of the very first boundaries I realized worth having was, 'I will not listen to nasty things about myself'.  He said I was crazy and delusional and heard voices, ONCE.  It was over the phone after calling him out on one of his 'issues'.  My dad had schizophrenia and he knew it.  I felt it was a very low blow to say something like that to me.  I told him very confidently, "That I can assure you I am not.  To be so would be to continue this conversation.  Goodbye".  (click)

Solved that little problem, because seriously, I will not stick around to listen to someone talking about me that way.  Yuck, no thanks.  No matter whether he meant it or not.

I get it that he was being defensive in BPD-land.  I hurt him, he lashed out at me.  I've learned to tweak my delivery about issues, sometimes bringing them up, sometimes stepping back before they even become issues.  Sometimes it's just something weird going on inside of me, so I'll address it as such if I didn't in the moment, "I'm feeling kind of weird about something.  When we were talking about hit__, did you mean ______?"

There's just so much to learn about ourselves by listening... . By feeling... . By being in the moment.

 

Listen to what your body is saying.  If it's all tensed up, it needs to be stretched!  So do our minds  There is more to life than being bogged down in BPD-land.  I so wanted to focus my energies elsewhere, so I did!

I cannot stress enough how important it is to take an active interest in yourself   It is not narcissistic in a bad way.  I thought for the longest time it was

 

[waverider]

I'm currently struggling with in my relationship with my dBPDbf.  I currently feel it's a broken situation. Recently diagnosed, not in active therapy.

I've tried to set boundaries (obviously not so effectively) about raging at me via text.  Breaking up with me, saying all kinds of hurtful things, spewing crap when he's dysregulated.    From our conversations afterwards,  he attempts to justify it.   I should just accept it and ignore it.  (like now that he's diagnosed I should just understand  )

He bounces right back after he calms down and expects me to happily go along and act lovingly towards him like it never happened.  I haven't been able to do this, and frankly, I'm pretty sure I don't want to do this, it leaves me with pits in my stomach and I just can't blow it off.

I find myself becoming resentful and am angered for days.  When I try to do a time out, he argues with me. He keeps trying to engage me in conversation.   He berates me for being non-communicative. 

Yesterday I had pits in my stomach all day.  I'm tired of feeling that way from dealing with it.

I even hung up on him.  He was trying to talk over me, wouldn't listen to my request to talk later after I calm down. Now he will focus on how hurtful I am to him by hanging up on him.  Then he asks me for a time out via text.   

I've been trying to reason and realize I "lecture", which isn't working of course (it's my own form of venting).  And I'm done doing that as well, it's pointless and I recognize it's my own attempt to control his behavior. 

TWO WEEKS AGO he told me he understood WHY I didn't want to bring up certain subjects due to his reactions.  That is now out the window, now I don't communicate. If I bring up what he said two weeks ago?  It's just another round of circles.

We can spend hours a day going over his stuff that "hurts him".  I get frustrated having to re-explain everything every week. 

I've been trying to set "defensive boundaries" and realize it's not working.  I struggle with how to change it and communicate it.  Frankly, once he breaks a boundary I need time to clear my own emotions before trying any of the communication tools.  I struggle with his resentment over me even doing that. 

What do your boundaries look like?  Do you enforce them verbally primarily, or do you just take action and that's it?  I read the sugggestions in the lessons.  He either resists, or attempts to use them against me afterwards.

I feel stuck.  I keep reading Phoebe123's insights and it's going to be my goal to get there.

This is very normal

Using the disorder as an excuse. This is where your boundaries are made to be specifically worded about you, not him. So the reason for the behavior becomes irrelevant, you are doing what you are doing to stop yourself being exposed to XYZ. His reasonings do not override your ride not to be exposed to it.

eg I wont have you yelling at me(you telling what to do>response, not my fault I'm ill)

i wont expose myself to yelling(it  doesn't matter why, hence no point blaming outside reason, the illness)

ie make it about YOU not HIM

Getting over dramas and blaming you for holding a grudge, while you are still hurting. This on / off switch is part of the Disorder. Only when you truly gain a level of acceptance can you start to cope with this. Meanwhile the more you can avoid your exposure to conflict the more resentment reduces to intermittent frustrations=your tolerance improves

Rehashing their issues over and over is frustrating, boundaries about repeating yourself needs to be used( note it is about you not having to repeat yourself not what he should talk/ think about)

There's just so much to learn about ourselves by listening... .  By feeling... .  By being in the moment.

 

Listen to what your body is saying.  If it's all tensed up, it needs to be stretched!  So do our minds   There is more to life than being bogged down in BPD-land.  I so wanted to focus my energies elsewhere, so I did!

I cannot stress enough how important it is to take an active interest in yourself   It is not narcissistic in a bad way.  I thought for the longest time it was

 

Also by accepting that sometimes you can't be there, you are his savior second and yours first. You will fail often, accept this dont beat yourself up in hindsight wishing you had done this or said that.

You cant stop stuff happening but you can learn not to hold on to it.

Ask yourself at times if I just move on and get over this drama will I have a better day today than if I stew over the injustices. It is hard at first but you can teach yourself what is best for you.

[Onmyown]

I am going through the EXACT same things you are right at this very moment.

How can they blow up, say the most hurtful things then say "I'm sorry." and they're completely over it like nothing happened?

Mean while were ripped apart and bleeding.  They expect us to put a bandaid on it and keep going, just like them.

I'm sorry you're hurting, but I'm glad to see that someone feels like me.

I too have tried boundaries, but maybe they're not the right one/ones.

I'm reading others posts to see what has helped others and I hope it helps you as well!

[Grey Kitty]

I too have tried boundaries, but maybe they're not the right one/ones.

I'd watch out more for things that are almost enforcing your own boundaries but not quite.

A proper boundary is something like "If you send me an abusive txt, I will delete it and not respond" or "I will end an abusive phone call or "I will leave an abusive conversation"

":)o not send me abusive txts" is not a boundary--it is a rule that the pwBPD can choose to follow or break.

The wonderful thing about a proper boundary is that you choose to enforce it, and by construction, is impossible for the pwBPD to cross your boundary. All they can do is choose to put you in the position of enforcing it or choose not to.

Good luck to all of you on those boundaries! They sure helped me.

[Chosen]

What boundaries do you have regarding him saying hurtful things at you?

Remember, boundaries are things you do to protect yourself. 

I used to get lots of hate-text from him that basically just goes on and on (they are hurled at me at top speed, meaning he's not even thinking about what he's typing, like he's possessed by his anger).  He used to swear at me when I "make" him frustrated/ angry too.  And then I used boundaries.   I just say "I am not going to respond to this."  I don't explain why it's hurtful (believe me, they say those things because they know it's hurtful- it's not because they don't know), I don't justify my lack of response.  I just don't respond.  It was difficult and it didn't stop right away.  But now it actually got better.  I can say I have already gone a few months without this type of behaviour. 

I feel for you, and I completely understand how hurtful it can be when we're facing our pwBPDs.  This is why we need to protect ourselves- otherwise we will not have the energy/ patience/ love to carry on with the relationship.