My own therapist advised me to step back and take care of myself which I have done. I felt I had no choice.
[snip]... .
Again, one of my first questions when posting on this board was how do we protect ourselves while ensuring the BPD sufferer is properly supported. It doesn't seem that there is an answer for this unless the pwBPD admits they need help and sees their own role.
[snip]... .
I don't know what to do.
Stymied,
This is an awful situation. I was in similar situations with a uBPD partner (who told me she might as well be dead as be with someone like me, and would kill herself if I left), with my uBPD/NPD mother (a martyr who wanted complete control and who hated being alone), and to a degree with my sister (who I now suspect of being a BPD, and who refused to care for herself unless she was getting regular infusions of attention).
And I recognize your dilemma; I believe I've been in that place, more or less. And I agree with your therapist, but I see in your words that you are conflicted about your right to care for yourself, when doing so appears to trigger things in your sister. It's a stark choice, and I'm here to tell you that not only do you need to make it and stick to it, but you can feel good about it eventually. Things are not what they appear to be, to us nons. We have our own blinders, our own part to play in the dance.
This quote from "Understanding The Borderline Mother" by Lawson made something go off inside my head, a little firecracker:
“The Queen's children must allow her the right to self-destruct while exerting their right to protect themselves.”
I believe this applies to any BPD, not just Queen Mothers. Some BPD people are so tormented that they prefer to leave: to die, to suicide. What makes the situation so horrible is that it's common also for them to indicate that they will do this
unless you 'X'. (Do something that they want). But this X only leads to another X and to another X, and you will drown. It will kill you. So you have to say no. And here's the rub: when you say no,
it triggers them and they feel awful. And this happens over and over.
What Lawson is saying is that there is no way around the Non disengaging and stopping this cycle. And once the Non disengages, the BPD person
may self-destruct, but more importantly,
she has a right to do that and it may seem to be the best choice for her. And you can't control that choice, or ensure it goes one way or the other. All you can do is disengage. And she may not self-destruct. Once she's out of the dance of re-triggering, it might actually be easier for her.
That was the thing I had to learn, that seemed so counter-intuitive. That my being there might be making it worse. That I had snowball's chance in hell of 'fixing it'
and then going away. What I had to do was go away, and take my chances on what they could achieve once the triggering dance was interrupted. In the partner case, it seems to have been the best option; the ex seems to have done better. In the mother case, the other way: she gradually spiralled down, and I think at the end she chose to die. (The third, the sister, seems to have improved now that my mother has died, and I may not be forced to make the choice.)
I don't know if what I've said will help, but I believe I understand the situation you're in. It sounds like you're doing as much as one human being can do, and paradoxically it might be that you need to do less, not more; less relative to your sister anyway; and accept that doing less is the right thing to do.
And your ending, "I don't know what to do," shows that you may already believe this subconsciously; that it's just a matter of accepting it with your conscious mind.
(And if you haven't read "Understanding The Borderline Mother" I strongly recommend it. I don't think it matters that it's your sister rather than mother; how you interact with those BPD traits in your sister will probably be much the same.)
PP
