Control, entitlement and other antics. Is there a difference if they leave you?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

When it comes to parental alienation, control, entitlement with a BPD ex is there a difference if they left you as opposed to you having left them?

I was was left by uBPD ex and when I search for articles on the internet about control, the results always come back with an article on if you leave a BPD spouse.  

She says she's happy, exit affair partner is about to move in and she's talking about marriage 8 months after leaving me and she's controlling through the kids and she thinks she's entitled.

What gives when they leave and why? Am I splitting hairs?

3 kids together, S2, S5, D7. 8 years together, married for 5.

Separated 8 months and getting divorced.  

[Mutt]

When it comes to parental alienation, control, entitlement with a BPD ex is there a difference if they left you as opposed to you having left them?

I was was left by uBPD ex and when I search for articles on the internet about control, the results always come back with an article on if you leave a BPD spouse.  

She says she's happy, exit affair partner is about to move in and she's talking about marriage 8 months after leaving me and she's controlling through the kids and she thinks she's entitled.

What gives when they leave and why? Am I splitting hairs?

3 kids together, S2, S5, D7. 8 years together, married for 5.

Separated 8 months and getting divorced.  

[Waddams]

Just my humble opinion, but I think their continued control/manipulation attempts post-breakup are geared towards punishment.  They paint you black, maintain their rage, and have a "I'll show him/her" attitude.  Whether, they leave or you leave, the painting black aspect is the same and it leads to the same punishment behavior.

Not sure if that makes total sense or not.  Sorry if it doesn't!

[peas]

I was thinking about entitlement and my past BPD r/s, but I switched the entitlement narrative from my ex being entitled to hurt me to why do I think I was entitled to keep him? I fought hard for my dysfunctional r/s because part of me felt entitled to it and I'm hurt my ex didn't comply. Thinking that makes me feel better because I have to take some accountability for staying in a bad r/s. I'm tired of blaming him all the time for us not working out. I also blame myself a lot, but this change in thinking about my feelings of entitlement has given me some fresh perspective.

He left me and we have both been mutual NC going on three months.

[Mutt]

Whether, they leave or you leave, the painting black aspect is the same and it leads to the same punishment behavior.

It sort of makes sense. Maintaining the rage doesn't make sense in the sense that in the relationship I was evenutally devalued and thrown out like trash once she found my replacement.

I'm reading it in the literal sense as in a BPD r/s idealize/devalue/discard but our r/s is done.

I know she avoids me because I trigger her and I chose to maintain controlled contact to heal and distance myself from her, yet she tries to re-engage, get reactions out of me, punishes me but ultimately it hurts the kids.

She'll even mirror my actions. One example would be that I'm the one that told her that I'm doing controlled/minimal contact but she makes it sound like it's her idea.

Post break-up is confusing to me a little because she engages as if we were in a r/s but she's living the high life with exit affair partner.

[Mutt]

I was thinking about entitlement and my past BPD r/s, but I switched the entitlement narrative from my ex being entitled to hurt me to why do I think I was entitled to keep him? I fought hard for my dysfunctional r/s because part of me felt entitled to it and I'm hurt my ex didn't comply. Thinking that makes me feel better because I have to take some accountability for staying in a bad r/s. I'm tired of blaming him all the time for us not working out. I also blame myself a lot, but this change in thinking about my feelings of entitlement has given me some fresh perspective.

This is a healthy perspective and it also doesn't project all of the issues on the ex.

I didn't feel entitled to the relationship. I had 3 little kids at home and I was trying to keep it together for them.

If a husband (sole provider) leaves a wife and 3 smalls kids at home, how does that look like on the me? Really tough spot to be in.

I initiated couple's therapy several times over the course of our marriage and begged her to try again when she told me she was leaving me. I did therapy by myself. Couple's therapy wasn't working and she was not interested in doing her own therapy.

I feel like I can blame her because she was detaching and projecting the entire failed marriage on me and chose to seek someone else while the husband and kids were at home. It's not all of her fault of course, but I was more than patient with her antics for 8 year.

She's in control of her own life, new r/s but engages like we're still in a r/s. That has nothing do with me.

[livednlearned]

Maintaining the rage doesn't make sense

Period.

[Ironmanrises]

My exUBPDgf left me twice.

She felt in control both times... .

Round 1 discard told me... .

Ironmanfalls, my love for you was an illusion.

Round 2 discard told me... .

Ironmanfalls, your love for me was fake.

She felt entitled both times... .

Round 1 in discard told me... .

Ironmanfalls, there was nothing about you that i really like.

Round 2 in discard told me... .

Ironmanfalls, there was nothing about you that i really like.

Yes, she said that same exact line.

And she was the one who came back to me.

Her antics were horrifyingly similar both times... .

With one difference... .

She raged at me in round 1... .

Which was really bad.

She was far more vicious in round 2... .

Far more missiles launched at me.

Her words far more lethal.

More callous.

[Blade99d]

My exUBPDgf left me twice.

She felt in control both times... .

Round 1 discard told me... .

Ironmanfalls, my love for you was an illusion.

Round 2 discard told me... .

Ironmanfalls, your love for me was fake

Round 1 in discard told me... .

Ironmanfalls, there was nothing about you that i really like.

Round 2 in discard told me... .

Ironmanfalls, there was nothing about you that i really like.

Yes, she said that same exact line.

And she was the one who came back to me.

Her antics were horrifyingly similar both times... .

With one difference... .

She raged at me in round 1... .

Which was really bad.

She was far more vicious in round 2... .

Far more missiles launched at me.

Her words far more lethal.

More callous.

We must have gone out with the same woman, Ironman.  Mine told me she can't belive she fell for a guy like me, and there is really nothing I like about you.  This came after she told me the same day, i hope we never grow apart.  In Round 2 of devaluation, she threatened to call the cops on me 2 times for nothing, threatened to get in touch with my exwife, and was just vicious in her verbal attacks. We have no contact going back to mid April now. 

[Ironmanrises]

Blade,

The fact that yours told you that same line... .

I feel like vomiting right now. 

It is scary how similar our accounts are... .

Yours threatened to call the cops... .?

I don't even know how I would have reacted to that... .

Besides having a nervous breakdown.

I am so sorry.

It is so unfair.

We probably are describing the same woman... .

At least in terms of viciousness.

A common real life nightmare.

[Blade99d]

I am actually glad she took me to a bottomless pit.  It made me realize that I had work to do on myself, which I am doing.  I never would have started seeing a T, if she hadn't ripped those scabs open.  We can be fixed with hard work, unfortuntely for most of our exes, the cycle will repeat over and over and over for them. 

[Ironmanrises]

You are right.

We can fix ourselves.

We have that self awareness... .

They do not.


Stay strong Blade.

[Mutt]

I am actually glad she took me to a bottomless pit.  It made me realize that I had work to do on myself, which I am doing.  I never would have started seeing a T, if she hadn't ripped those scabs open.  We can be fixed with hard work, unfortuntely for most of our exes, the cycle will repeat over and over and over for them.  

I agree. It's a blessing in disguise. As difficult as the fall is from devaluation, it has made me acknowledge what led me down this path. I'm working on the issues that I have so I don't fall into this trap again. I'm looking forward to a healthy r/s with someone that was really meant for me. Not an abusive one way road with someone that didn't see me for my real qualities. Best of luck Blade99d.

[Oliolioxenfree]

In my situation it didnt matter who left whom the behavior was always crazy.  

typing this now and thinking about it and seeing things in hindsight only further cements the fact that he's BPD in my eyes.

My first 5-6 breakups were my idea, but he'd stalk me, crying, begging, trying everything to get me back.  I always took him back because I had my own issues.

the last breakup was his idea, it came out of the blue and he left me for a girl he had just met at a bar.

Towards the end of our relationship he looked me in the eyes and said he'd dumped me 6 times.  This was a bold faced lie and completely false, but he truly believed that the previous breakups were his idea.

The final breakup also induced crazy behavior on his part as well.  More stalking even though he had left me for a new girl.

So from what I can see, it doesn't matter who leaves who, their way of thinking will be the same... .and thats disordered.   Once this feeling of abandonment (which to me doesn't mean the actual act of abandonment, but rather them thinking they can no longer control you), they will be triggered and start acting out again. sometimes they are vicious sometimes they aren't.  Mine was vicious in other ways, not verbally abusive.

either way we are better off without them.  

[bpdspell]

Their control and entitlement needs an object (that would be us) to be projected upon in order for it to be effective. So to a certain extent the dance requires our participation. Take yourself out of their game and they no longer have power. Their games can only work if we respond or stoop to their level.

If they sense that we want, need, or are willing to be recycled by them in any way we are like shark bait.

Whether they left or not it's our decision to create boundaries that they aren't allowed to cross. Don't play nice with people who aren't interested in playing nice with you. Their disorder is always at work and its in control of them and this is a truth we must accept.

I ignore, ignore, ignore my ex. When he's made contact by phone, I delete, delete, delete. I don't participate and I don't give him a chance to work his pretzel logic or his spirit of confusion out on me. You have to value and love yourself.

In your case their are kids involved but you can set up boundaries so that they children are the heart of your discussions. The Parenting Board has great suggestions.


Spell

[peas]

Yes! Thank you for putting one of the most basic traits of BPD into words. I always knew this on a gut level but had not articulated it:

... .this feeling of abandonment (which to me doesn't mean the actual act of abandonment, but rather them thinking they can no longer control you)... .

[Ironmanrises]

Their control and entitlement needs an object (that would be us) to be projected upon in order for it to be effective. So to a certain extent the dance requires our participation. Take yourself out of their game and they no longer have power. Their games can only work if we respond or stoop to their level.

If they sense that we want, need, or are willing to be recycled by them in any way we are like shark bait.

Whether they left or not it's our decision to create boundaries that they aren't allowed to cross. Don't play nice with people who aren't interested in playing nice with you. Their disorder is always at work and its in control of them and this is a truth we must accept.

I ignore, ignore, ignore my ex. When he's made contact by phone, I delete, delete, delete. I don't participate and I don't give him a chance to work his pretzel logic or his spirit of confusion out on me. You have to value and love yourself.

In your case their are kids involved but you can set up boundaries so that they children are the heart of your discussions. The Parenting Board has great suggestions.


Spell

In bold.

Spot on BPDspell. 

[Emelie Emelie]

Their control and entitlement needs an object (that would be us) to be projected upon in order for it to be effective. So to a certain extent the dance requires our participation. Take yourself out of their game and they no longer have power. Their games can only work if we respond or stoop to their level.

If they sense that we want, need, or are willing to be recycled by them in any way we are like shark bait.

Whether they left or not it's our decision to create boundaries that they aren't allowed to cross. Don't play nice with people who aren't interested in playing nice with you. Their disorder is always at work and its in control of them and this is a truth we must accept.

I ignore, ignore, ignore my ex. When he's made contact by phone, I delete, delete, delete. I don't participate and I don't give him a chance to work his pretzel logic or his spirit of confusion out on me. You have to value and love yourself.

In your case their are kids involved but you can set up boundaries so that they children are the heart of your discussions. The Parenting Board has great suggestions.


Spell

Well said!