Blame for career choices and unhappiness

[daylily]

I'm starting to develop better perspective on my uBPDh's changing moods and petty jabs at me, and I'm getting better at seeing them as "his issues" and not escalating.  It appears to be making a difference in daily life, and I've even gotten three apologies from him in the past few days.

The "hot buttons" are proving harder to conquer.  My H consistently blames and resents me because he doesn't have a "career."  I met him in graduate school, so both of us have higher education.  I went on to progress in my career; he went backwards.  It started because he got laid off from his first job ("funding ran out" but I think it was really personality conflicts) and then didn't want to get another one because he was so upset and angry.  He blew through all of his savings and finally ended up working for a friend in construction to pay the bills.  Then he decided he wanted to move across country to where he grew up.  We got married, and decided TOGETHER that it wouldn't be good for us to move.  He didn't want to start a career because that would mean he'd be "stuck" living here because if both of us had good careers here, that would really be a reason not to move.  So, his career went stagnant and he mostly stayed home taking care of the kids, working out of the house when he could.  Last year, he applied for and almost got a great job, but it was taken away after a background check (he has some unsavory history).

Now both kids are in school during the day and (I think) he's feeling a little worthless.  This morning he told me to have a good day, and I said something like "thanks, but it's going to be a stressful one today."  He got upset at me.  Later, he called to apologize, but then went on to explain (this is a common complaint of his) that he's "given up" his career to stay home with the kids so that I can work, so I should be happy at work. If I'm not happy at work, we should do something else because he's then sacrificing for nothing.  He frequently laments how much he's "sacrificed" for me - living here, his career, his happiness - so that I can work in a satisfying career and have everything I ever wanted.  I would love for him to have a career.  On the other hand, I appreciate that he's stayed home with the kids, but I never required that he do that.  It just ended up that way because he never pursued anything.  I never asked him to give up his career; he did that on his own by his own choice (or inability to make a choice or follow through, which is an issue with him).

So I've been doing so well, but this morning I started JADEing and acting crazy.  I started out ok, explaining that there are bad days in any job and being appreciative of him staying home with the kids, but then I explained how I'm not responsible for his career issues and (needless to say) it wasn't productive.  Any ideas on how I can validate his feelings on this and also get past it emotionally myself?  This is one area where it's hard for me to simply see it as "his issue" and move on (even though it clearly is).  It makes me so upset that he thinks I am responsible for everything - his happiness, his career, blah, blah, blah.  I guess it goes with the territory.  He just sent me a text apologizing but saying that "I'm truly just trying to get you to understand what I'm feeling inside so you can help me to feel better."  Textbook BPD.

  :)aylily

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[Grey Kitty]

Well, you can't defuse his hot buttons--that is his work to do well, badly, or not at all 

All you can do is not pick up the blame he tries to dump on you. If you believe that you aren't responsible for his non-career, it is easier to stay calm and respond well when he blames you for it... .And you know the tools. Don't JADE, do validate his feelings.

Do you have some of your own hot buttons you can work on defusing a bit?

[AnitaL]

Daylily,

I just saw this post, and I could have written it myself.  As I believe we've discovered previously, my situation is nearly identical to yours.  I have also lost my control and start to JADE when I get a reaction like that from my uBPDh about my work-related stress -- his usual line is a sarcastic "It's a good thing I gave up everything so you could have your dream job, then."  I so rarely even mention any work-related issues because I know it is a trigger for both of us.

Of course it is better if we can stay in control and not JADE, not spend any energy in that conversation. However, lately I have been trying, in calmer moments, to explain that I do generally like my job, but ALL jobs have ups and downs, and it is not realistic to expect to love 100% of any career.  When he's not dysregulated, he agrees that this is true. I think it's come up more because he is still searching for what he wants to do with his life, and his lack of career at this point seems due in part to his unrealistic expectations and low tolerance for work that he doesn't find totally stimulating. (Everything is beneath his abilities, too boring, not important enough, etc.)  Do you think a conversation like this would be helpful?  Or you could simply state that "Sometimes I have stressful days, as everyone does.", as you did at the start of your response, but just end it there. 

Getting over it emotionally is not easy, but some things I do to help cope with the frustration are to do something on my commute to help me relax or enjoy the time alone, like listen to uplifting music or an interesting radio program.  I also tend to talk with coworkers or friends/family instead of my H when I'm feeling stressed about work.  Playing with the kids helps too -- I even sometimes try to explain a bit about my work to my oldest (5) so she has an idea of what I do every day, and sometimes this puts things in perspective and helps reduce my anxiety.  And look at the positives -- despite what followed, he did tell you to have a good day!  My H hasn't done that in years.

Good luck--

[waverider]

It's really part of the black and white thinking. When you are not enjoying something about your job, then you are not enjoying anything. It is part of BPD.

When I am having a personal gripe about something, and I dont want the whole "you must really hate it, why do you do it?" routine. I start off by saying something along the lines of I am looking forward to tomorrow/next weeks (insert task/project) when this (insert issue) is resolved and things get back to normal.

In other words prefix your complaint with a positive. if they dont hear a positive, there is no positive. If you start JADEing in hindsight they just see it that you were just fishing for sympathy and not being genuine.

Everything you do or say is seen as being with the intent of having an effect on them, not just you talking about YOUR frustrations. If you were feeling bad then it is said to make them feel bad. Really you were after empathy, but they dont do that, so that is not how they react.

Another example of this is say when I am muttering to myself about something on the computer I can't get to work (as we all do) she jumps straight to the conclusion I need a new computer, and we can't afford it, and I spent to much time on it blah blah... .

[daylily]

Anita, wow, we do have the same situation going on!  I don't mention work because it's a trigger.  If good things are going on at work, I can't mention those because he gets resentful and makes sarcastic comments like, "Well, I'm glad you got to do X today because all I got to do was wrangle screaming kids."  If it's a bad day at work, then he says he's sacrificing for nothing and I should do something else, so all of his suffering is not "wasted."  I too talk to people at work about work issues.  (BTW, my oldest also is 5!)  The only time I get in trouble is when I bite on the "How was your day" question.  I wouldn't be too envious of the fact that I'm getting the question.  I don't think it's genuine concern; it's baiting so he can complain about his day and "compare" it to my glorious day.   

I actually gave your same explanation to my H - every job has its ups and downs, etc.  It worked and he understood, but he didn't stop complaining and pushing and then I lost it.            I too de-stress with my time in the car to/from work.  I listen to audiobooks.  It's really my only time to myself, so I enjoy it.  And of course spending time with the kids is rewarding, though not without stress.   

Wave, thanks for the great input, as usual.  I really do need to preface things with a positive.  I don't know that it will be effective in the work arena, because (as I explained above) that's a catch 22 for me and H.  But I do need to do that in other areas, like when H has an idea about something.  I usually assume that he knows what is positive about his idea because he came up with it, so I just give him the potential issues so that we can discuss them and resolve them.  He says I "poo poo" everything.  Saying something positive first would really help that.

Everything you do or say is seen as being with the intent of having an effect on them, not just you talking about YOUR frustrations. If you were feeling bad then it is said to make them feel bad. Really you were after empathy, but they dont do that, so that is not how they react.

Yes!  I've observed this.  When I am expressing any negative emotion (whether I'm voicing it or my H can just sense it from my behavior), he thinks I'm trying to get him to do, say or feel something.  I've told him that I'm not manipulative, but he doesn't believe me.  It's really difficult because I'm apparently an expressive person so even if I'm keeping a negative emotion inside, he knows it's there and asks what's wrong.  Not because he really cares about what may be wrong with me, but so that he can try to resolve whatever negative emotions it's creating in him.

Daylily

[daylily]

Do you have some of your own hot buttons you can work on defusing a bit?

Hi grey kitty, I have been working on this lately.  My hot buttons have to do with parenting and the kids.  It's really hard not to blow up when my H makes comments about my parenting, but I'm trying to not respond in the moment and let it pass.  Amazingly, with some things he says, if I don't respond, he has apologized after he has a minute to consider what he has said.   

Daylily

[waverider]

Prefacing with positive is good.

Be very careful though of insert a "BUT" or perceptions of, between good and bad. a "but" erases everything said before. Its almost like a flashing light that says "this is what I really mean".

Often prefacing with good is self curative, it makes the bad not feel too bad to yourself also. I have developed that as a way of thinking in general, and it often prevents a completely gloomy outlook on things.