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Learning2Thrive
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« on: September 30, 2013, 10:18:11 PM » |
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I just joined BPD Family the other day. Posted my intro to the first-timer/intro section and it was suggested I come over here and introduce myself.
I was married to my soon-to-be ex-husband for 15 years when I met her, my now former (uBPD) girlfriend/SO. First, she became my best friend. We shared common interests, activities, lots of laughs, secrets and love of adventure. About a year later, she became my lover.
She was my first and only experience with a same sex relationship, though I'd honestly been drawn to it since I was a child. I was not raised in an environment where same sex relationships were allowed to be THOUGHT of let alone a permissible choice.
So... .we had very similar childhood experiences... .complete with sexual abuse, physically and emotionally abusive parents, neglect, etc.
I shared things with her that NO ONE ever knew. I'd never even whispered some of them outloud before. Yes, I handed her my heart and I was her willing victim. She was so easy to trust. She shared so many secrets with me too. She confided that she'd been a cutter since her late teens, a victim of incest, rape, gang rape, she'd been physically branded when she was raped (yes, I saw the scars from it) and a multitude of other horrific events.
Soo... .yes, with her first kiss, she brought me to life. She was my *soul mate*. Or so I thought .
We had such an incredible friendship... .right? Best friends... .right? Admittedly, she was a little on the needy side, but I'd always had trouble letting myself even get close to other females... .so I appreciated her patience with me for any awkwardness that I had. Frankly, I was a workaholic and so freaking busy and so trusting of her, I just believed everything she said and loved that she loved me.
Oh... .how I let her turn my world upside down and inside out. My business suffered, my 2nd job suffered, my kids suffered... .my own health suffered. She nearly became my complete existence. Yep! She changed my whole life and I let her because... .she adored me... .she lavished love and attention and tenderness and thoughtfulness and (perceived) intimacy on me like I'd never experienced. EVER. This was the missing link in my life. This is what I had CRAVED my whole life. I could not resist. She became my addiction.
Then she dropped me on my head the 2nd week of June this year. She went from sending me literally 500 texts a day (mostly very short, sweet and thoughtful), every day for over 18 months to complete SILENCE for weeks. Then she would send a couple text messages. Then she'd show up out of the blue and want sex. Then she'd go silent again. Then she'd called in the middle of the night from her number and sometimes from PRIVATE numbers... .sometimes leaving a message and sometimes not. Then she'd call the next day, apologize and act so sweet, like nothing was ever wrong and tell me I was "everywhere" and she just "missed me so much." Then the silence would come again.
THIS WAS CRAZY-MAKING.
Abandonment terror (my own), withdrawals, pain, panic, toxic shame... .all of it swept over me, knocked the breath out of me, leaving me gasping for air on my knees. I've never known such pain. Maybe close to when I was little, but I don't remember very many specifics as much has been blocked.
Thankfully, I talked to the right person. They suggested BPD as a possible reason for the crazy behavior of dropping me out of the blue when things had seemed to be going so great. Then the subsequent push/pull and stringing me along while dropping the little under the breath, whispered veiled insults. You know, the kind you walk on eggshells to avoid even acknowledging. They were always barely heard and followed with the sweetest "I love you." You think you imagined it... .the insult part, that is.
So I did some research. Did a lot of reading. WOW... .everything lined up to a T. I was shell-shocked. I'd never heard of such a thing. Now it occupies many of my waking hours.
I decided to go NC. I immediately changed my phone number. Even changed the locks. While she had her own key at one point, she did return it to me. HOWEVER, I remembered she has a history of making copies of her previous SO's keys. She did this when she left that relationship. She kept those copies after turning in her originals to previous SO. She even admitted to using them to enter the property while former SO was at work, supposedly to get stuff that former SO was supposedly not letting her have. UGH! Who knows what really happened.
I have not seen her face to face since mid July. I have neither texted nor heard her voice since I changed my phone number on September 1st. However, I know she has begun cruising my neighborhood. I caught her driving past my place then turning around. She has come to my door between 9 and 10 PM, knocking for over 10 minutes. I was here but chose not answer. Thankfully, she did not escalate. Thankfully, she walked away. I hope it stays that way, but something tells me she'll be back again to try another day.
The person I thought was my ultimate safe place and refuge, the one who was most exquisite intimate love... .ever... .she has become my worst nightmare.
I loved her with everything I had. I gave my whole heart, genuinely and all that I had... .plus some. Then, mere days after she pledged forever love and a life together, she abandoned me.
Sigh... .but she isn't who I thought she was. She really isn't the person I loved. She painted a picture and I chose to see the good stuff I wanted to see and ignored the awful stuff because I so desperately wanted to feel her adoration again. IT WAS ALL SMOKE AND MIRRORS... .AND LIES.
There are so MANY FLIPPING LIES that get discovered every day as I look back. I was so busy working and trying to hold it together and keep her happy, I never questioned her. Always believed her, supported her, helped her... .and she needed lots of help. Oh yes, she does need lots of help. Just not the kind she's seeking. Nothing I can do will help her. It's time for me to help me. Goodness, I'm discovering just how much work I need to do on me (ooh the family history with uBPD).
When I feel weak like I might break NC, I come here. I read to remind myself there is nothing good to come of any communication with her. EVER.
It's been SO FREAKING HARD. There have been lots of bad days, but they are coming farther and farther apart now. Time will help to form a scar tissue over my heart.
What gift have I discovered from all this mess? I'm in a better place now. I have my own space--and for the first time in my adult life I'm taking care of me. My relationship with my kids is getting better all the time. My relationship with my soon-to-be ex-husband has become so much better... .really, focused on being good and healthy for our sons, and I appreciate that very much.
It's time for me to learn to thrive. On my own. I spend time here (the lessons and articles have helped immensely) and research online and am diligently pursuing other resources.
So... .my question... .for those who have been here for a while and read lots of books, if you could buy one book and had to choose just one book on the BPD/abandonment/related topic, which would you choose?
Thanks for listening and any advice you can offer.
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