I can see myself in all the roles but one...

[The Mrs]

So we've been married 25 years, red flags of my BPD husband were waving within the first couple weeks of our knowing one another.  I have now been out of our family home and on my own for almost 2 months.  It truly is a breath of fresh air  to no longer be subjected to the rants and rages and devaluation and demoralization.  So then why am I not running right out and filing for divorce when he challenged me to do so yesterday?  Why do I still sit here and think this is just his disease talking?

[Surnia]

A good question. 

Perhaps bc you see beside all the red flags also good things in him?

Bc 25 are a very long time, so it needs much more time to "override" this?

Bc  of some FOG, Fear, Obligation or Guilt? 

Just 3 possibilities, there are perhaps more... .its wise to take some time to explore this.

And its good to enjoy the fresh air too! 

[Jbt857]

One step at a time. You've just come out of a very long marriage. It's going to take a while to adjust.

There's nothing wrong with not reacting to his gaslighting and doing things when you're ready. You have that control now. You can do that now.

So, give yourself as long as you need. Be empowered by being able to!

[Clearmind]

Mrs, I have read your new members thread and my goodness you have been through the ringer – especially over the last little while.

You know so many of us come here seeking those Why answers. In time we come to a level of acceptance that our partners are who they show us to be and that its really not our fault – my partner was all those things – lovely, caring, funny and then he also a rager, manipulative, paranoid and controlling. He is who he is and acceptance does come.

We need to seek divorce in our time – it’s a good idea to get your emotions in order and then start making plans and decisions about what next. For now, enjoy some peace and some space to really get used to this new way of life for you.

You have only just landed at bpdfamily – give yourself some learning space. These relationships are usually enmeshed and we loose our sense of perspective. New found space can feel triggering - its OK! I agree with Surnia fear, obligation and guilt are very common. I know I felt like I was leaving my partner on the church steps for a little old lady to pick him and take care of him - Borderlines are quite resourceful and not as helpless as we may first believe.

How are you going?

[The Mrs]

Thank you for your thoughts, Clearmind, and for your clear mind!  You are right, this is a lot to digest in a short amount of time.  I am so grateful to have stumbled upon/ been divinely led to (however you choose to look at it) this board with all its support and useful tools and information.  I feel like a dry sponge right now, taking it all in, putting the pieces together, and repeatedly having those Ah Ah moments! 

I do have to stop and remind myself that I have my own "safe house" now (affectionately called the Zen Bungalow to family friends, that's code for itty, bitty, teeny weenie filled with all the houseplants I left with, my Beta fish, lots of candles, borrowed bedroom set, all my Louis Hays books, and my winter boots).  I don't have to be in a reactionary, defensive posture 24/7.  I can relax and breathe.  There are no eggshells here!

When I started writing the post I can see myself in all the roles but one, the battery on my IPad went dead.  Where I was going was, it has come to the point that I can see myself returning to the role in the kitchen, shopping for food, clipping coupons, preparing great meals, entertaining the family (except after hubs big meltdown in July and the impromptu intervention almost everyone has severed ties). 

I can see myself returning to the role in the home office, taking care off our business and financial responsibilities (he hasn't written a check or made a bank deposit in 25 years), preparing our tax prep to submit to the accountant each year, shopping car and home insurance, etc.  I also clean the house, manage all the appointments, prescriptions, etc.  What I can't see myself returning to is any kind of role in the bedroom, and there really hasn't been any real intimacy for some time.  I'm not sure how you get that back, even with lots and lots of couples counseling.  I've discussed this in individual counseling.  And when I have asked my husband what he would want differently in our relationship/marriage his only request is more sex!  So knowing where my head/ heart is at regarding that, I just don't see where this is likely to go... .

[Clearmind]

Sex for a woman is one thing that wanes when a husband is abusive. It happened to me and many on this board.

For a woman sex requires trust, respect and understanding. It requires our partners to speak our love language - for me it's talk/good communication for me to feel I want to be intimate. There are many precursors to sex/intimacy and a raging and devaluing is not it.

Much needs to change Mrs - when it comes to deciding on what's best for you we gradually realize all that is missing in the relationship and which are deal breakers.

You mention all the tasks you could go back to doing however the relationship part with hubby seems uncertain.

Check out our decision making guidelines