One month NC, getting more insight every day

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

It's one month since our breakup. NC since then, apart from posting her stuff back, no note. 

I've learned a lot since that terrible final meltdown with BPDgf that left me literally on the floor weeping.  It's been a very long and painful month.

From therapy and from reading these boards I've had insight into the idealization phase. I was so happy, felt on cloud nine, to be adored and loved, to find someone so compatible, a perfect fit.  Looking back, I can see how unreal this phase was.  I have some adorable qualities for sure (!) but her adoration was ungrounded, ridiculous at times.  She told me I was a Botticelli angel, and had a perfect body. She even said loved my snoring, and the mess I left in the bathroom!  Cloud nine felt airy and unstable, but I thought, I'll take it for as long as it lasts.   I've been single for 5 years.  She's beautiful, intelligent, accomplished. And she adores me.  One night I burst into tears, when I realized how scared I was of disappointing her.  Deep down I knew how unreal this phase was. 

I can also look back and see how she moulded herself to fit me.  Whatever I wanted to do, she wanted too. She always arrived with my favorite champagne, or chocolate.  It felt like being romanced, it was heady stuff.  But I can now see how she had no boundaries, little sense of her needs, her self. She was so impressionable, eager to please. It was hard to see at the time, because she presents as a strong and independent woman.  But now I can see the compliance, the mirroring. She told me how much she was enjoying discovering ballet with me, new foods, a new suburb, meeting my family and friends, new music, even our sex life was a revelation to her... .Again, heady stuff, that appeared to be a woman head over heels in love, but was in fact, her BPD based mirroring.  I wonder what was really going on for her, how much of herself she pushed down to fit in with me.

And I've had some insights into her melt downs, which were unpredictable, over nothing. The first one, date 4, over a simple change of plans.   As we got closer, the melt downs got more intense and frequent. The timing was bewildering, always immediately after an intimate, lovely weekend.  She switched from adoration to threatening to break up unless I put her first in my life, committed to her 100%, spent all weekend with her.  I read on a board this week, the more intimate you get, the less the pwBPD trusts you.  How true. She dumped me by txt, then panicked and said I'd misread it. Recycle.   She dumped me by phone, left me alone all weekend, then told me she hadn't, I'd misunderstood.  Recycle.   Then after the final meltdown and fight, she sent a txt saying she loved me deeply, but couldn't be with me unless I changed... .  The  constant switching between "come here/go away" is really clear now. 

Finally, I've had some insight into how I could see these behaviors, and correctly assessed them as not normal or acceptable, after each melt down,   (didn't know about BPD at the time) but wanted the "love" so much , thought we could work through the issues.  No emotional txt messages! Lets spend all weekend together!   Lets commit to each other! Of course, these were not the issues.  The issue was she has BPD and can't have a functional relationship.

It's been a long month but I am seeing more clearly,  feeling more myself, and more optimistic about dating again one day soon. Finding someone who is psychologically healthy and ready for a loving relationship. And being true to my boundaries.

These boards have been so helpful, and people so generous in sharing their experiences. Thank to everyone. And the resources, articles etc are excellent.

[human101]

It's one month since our breakup. NC since then, apart from posting her stuff back, no note. 

I've learned a lot since that terrible final meltdown with BPDgf that left me literally on the floor weeping.  It's been a very long and painful month.

From therapy and from reading these boards I've had insight into the idealization phase. I was so happy, felt on cloud nine, to be adored and loved, to find someone so compatible, a perfect fit.  Looking back, I can see how unreal this phase was.  I have some adorable qualities for sure (!) but her adoration was ungrounded, ridiculous at times.  She told me I was a Botticelli angel, and had a perfect body. She even said loved my snoring, and the mess I left in the bathroom!  Cloud nine felt airy and unstable, but I thought, I'll take it for as long as it lasts.   I've been single for 5 years.  She's beautiful, intelligent, accomplished. And she adores me.  One night I burst into tears, when I realized how scared I was of disappointing her.  Deep down I knew how unreal this phase was. 

I can also look back and see how she moulded herself to fit me.  Whatever I wanted to do, she wanted too. She always arrived with my favorite champagne, or chocolate.  It felt like being romanced, it was heady stuff.  But I can now see how she had no boundaries, little sense of her needs, her self. She was so impressionable, eager to please. It was hard to see at the time, because she presents as a strong and independent woman.  But now I can see the compliance, the mirroring. She told me how much she was enjoying discovering ballet with me, new foods, a new suburb, meeting my family and friends, new music, even our sex life was a revelation to her... .Again, heady stuff, that appeared to be a woman head over heels in love, but was in fact, her BPD based mirroring.  I wonder what was really going on for her, how much of herself she pushed down to fit in with me.

And I've had some insights into her melt downs, which were unpredictable, over nothing. The first one, date 4, over a simple change of plans.   As we got closer, the melt downs got more intense and frequent. The timing was bewildering, always immediately after an intimate, lovely weekend.  She switched from adoration to threatening to break up unless I put her first in my life, committed to her 100%, spent all weekend with her.  I read on a board this week, the more intimate you get, the less the pwBPD trusts you.  How true. She dumped me by txt, then panicked and said I'd misread it. Recycle.   She dumped me by phone, left me alone all weekend, then told me she hadn't, I'd misunderstood.  Recycle.   Then after the final meltdown and fight, she sent a txt saying she loved me deeply, but couldn't be with me unless I changed... .  The  constant switching between "come here/go away" is really clear now. 

Finally, I've had some insight into how I could see these behaviors, and correctly assessed them as not normal or acceptable, after each melt down,   (didn't know about BPD at the time) but wanted the "love" so much , thought we could work through the issues.  No emotional txt messages! Lets spend all weekend together!   Lets commit to each other! Of course, these were not the issues.  The issue was she has BPD and can't have a functional relationship.

It's been a long month but I am seeing more clearly,  feeling more myself, and more optimistic about dating again one day soon. Finding someone who is psychologically healthy and ready for a loving relationship. And being true to my boundaries.

These boards have been so helpful, and people so generous in sharing their experiences. Thank to everyone. And the resources, articles etc are excellent.

[eeyore]

It's been a long month but I am seeing more clearly,  feeling more myself, and more optimistic about dating again one day soon. Finding someone who is psychologically healthy and ready for a loving relationship. And being true to my boundaries.

These boards have been so helpful, and people so generous in sharing their experiences. Thank to everyone. And the resources, articles etc are excellent.

Happy for you.  I agree that there are many helpful people that share.  Thanks for coming back and giving an update!

[Reg]

Hi human101,

Really great to see you are on the right track !  You've learned some important lessons, about yourself and about your ex partner !   

Keep up the good work now !

These boards are great indeed, the most important is that we all have the possibility to learn from each other and to see that we are not alone in this situation.  The mutual support is important !

Reg

[Learning2Thrive]

But I can now see how she had no boundaries, little sense of her needs, her self. She was so impressionable, eager to please. It was hard to see at the time, because she presents as a strong and independent woman.  But now I can see the compliance, the mirroring. She told me how much she was enjoying discovering ballet with me, new foods, a new suburb, meeting my family and friends, new music, even our sex life was a revelation to her... .Again, heady stuff, that appeared to be a woman head over heels in love, but was in fact, her BPD based mirroring.  I wonder what was really going on for her, how much of herself she pushed down to fit in with me.

Congratulations on your insights and discoveries, Human101!  Me too... .after a little over one month completely NC and being able to NOT open the door or respond in any way when she came knocking 2 weeks ago.

Yes, some days still hurt like hell.  I wanted to believe she and I had a forever (she promised... .first... .and I reluctantly believed in time).  BUT... .therein lies my greatest discovery. 

*I WANTED* to believe, so I disregarded the signs which seem so obvious now.  Soo many things come to light with distance and perspective and not being caught up in the emotion and immediate highs and lows.  Every day I'm a little more thankful for the gift she gave me in ripping off the scabs on deep scars in my heart from childhood.  It seems crazy to face this stuff at 48, but if not now... .when?  I finally have a chance to be a whole person on my own. And I will have a chance to find another who is also a whole person... .and we can have a true, loving, real relationship.  I'm truly thankful for that.  Life is beginning to feel a little bit good again in a different way.  It's more real, more relaxed, more grounded.

Best wishes to you for continued growth and strength and finding the good things in your life.