Four Weeks NC - Driving me crazy...

[houseofswans]

Hello,

It's been four weeks without contact with my exBPDgf, and it is driving me crazy... .

I'm numbing the pain with a couple of bottles of wine a night, plus sleeping tablets and valium during the day. It's not good, I know, but these thoughts go swirling around my head. I can't help thinking about her with her new man, particularly them having intense sexual pleasure (she is hyper-sexual). I try and console myself with the fact that she is only doing with him what she did with me and the countless other men in her life. It sort of helps, but I wish the thoughts would just go. Trouble is, she is extremely erotic and almost plays on the fact that she knows how to *instantly* turn a man on.

In fact (and I don't mind saying this here, because her identity is secret) that for a few years before we met, including, I suspect, whilst she was in the early stages of romance with me, she was indulging in cyber-sex on one of those websites where women indulge in fantasies for other men - you know, masturbation, erotic talk and so-on. All of it, of course, live via video camera. When she told me about this I was at once repulsed, but strangely turned-on. I really wish she'd never told me.

I'm wracked with guilt about how I could have acted (even though I did my best) to make things run more smoothly in our relationship. I wanted her desperately, but her disorder made it impossible for her to love me like I loved her. And now I'm obsessed, and I know that the relationship was too toxic to continue as it was.

I'm hurting like I've never known before, especially as when we were together she'd told me that I was the one who had rescued her from previous abusive relationships. She said that I treated her so well, it was never like this in any other of her relationships. No-one had treated her this well before. But I told her how much I loved her, and wanted for her to be happy, but she chose another whilst we were on a break. If I treated her so well, why would she choose another 'unknown' quantity?

I'd have her back in a heartbeat, even though I know that it would only be a matter of time before breakup number X occurred.

I'm making myself ill because of this whilst she, in all likelihood, isn't even thinking about me whilst she is loved-up with her new man... .

[Ironmanrises]

Hello,

It's been four weeks without contact with my exBPDgf, and it is driving me crazy... .

I'm numbing the pain with a couple of bottles of wine a night, plus sleeping tablets and valium during the day. It's not good, I know, but these thoughts go swirling around my head. I can't help thinking about her with her new man, particularly them having intense sexual pleasure (she is hyper-sexual). I try and console myself with the fact that she is only doing with him what she did with me and the countless other men in her life. It sort of helps, but I wish the thoughts would just go. Trouble is, she is extremely erotic and almost plays on the fact that she knows how to *instantly* turn a man on.

In fact (and I don't mind saying this here, because her identity is secret) that for a few years before we met, including, I suspect, whilst she was in the early stages of romance with me, she was indulging in cyber-sex on one of those websites where women indulge in fantasies for other men - you know, masturbation, erotic talk and so-on. All of it, of course, live via video camera. When she told me about this I was at once repulsed, but strangely turned-on. I really wish she'd never told me.

I'm wracked with guilt about how I could have acted (even though I did my best) to make things run more smoothly in our relationship. I wanted her desperately, but her disorder made it impossible for her to love me like I loved her. And now I'm obsessed, and I know that the relationship was too toxic to continue as it was.

I'm hurting like I've never known before, especially as when we were together she'd told me that I was the one who had rescued her from previous abusive relationships. She said that I treated her so well, it was never like this in any other of her relationships. No-one had treated her this well before. But I told her how much I loved her, and wanted for her to be happy, but she chose another whilst we were on a break. If I treated her so well, why would she choose another 'unknown' quantity?

I'd have her back in a heartbeat, even though I know that it would only be a matter of time before breakup number X occurred.

I'm making myself ill because of this whilst she, in all likelihood, isn't even thinking about me whilst she is loved-up with her new man... .

The hurt in the aftermath of these relationships... .

Is beyond.

I am sorry you are undergoing that.

NC is not easy... .

But it is necessary.

For you to heal.

In bold.

She may appear to not be thinking about you... .

Because she is with someone else... .

But that is for control purposes.

His fate... .

Will be yours... .

In x period of time.

That is the disorder.

That is how it plays out.

There is a very real chance... .

That before that relationship flounders... .

And it will... .

She may/will very likely contact you.

To start that same exact cycle again.

With the same exact outcome at the end.

I know it hurts.

Hang in there.

[Siamese Rescue]

So often I reply to posts here that say the same thing. "This sounds exactly like my life experience with my exBPDbf." You are very eloquently describing the pain I'm in after the most vicious recycle I allowed to happen. I too feel like I could require some Valium if this doesn't get any easier. However please be careful mixing Valium and alcohol. The pain they inflict is excruciatingly severe. I have no words of advice other than wherever you are feeling that way, I'm over here with the same exact emotions. They are destroying me.

[houseofswans]

@ironmanfalls - thank you! And it got me thinking after I posted that I wonder if *I* would be a previous abuser to her new man, even though I did everything to try and make her happy and content?

@Siamese Rescue - and thank you! It is good to know that my feelings aren't in isolation. Would my (or your) ex even care if they knew the hurt we were experiencing?

[happylogist]

Hi houseofswans,

I am sorry you feel that way and many of us here can relate to you, including myself. 

There are many posts about hyper sexuality of BPD people especially during honeymoon stages, as well as about manipulation that is often there, like purposefully withholding, or understanding that much of sex was really good, perfect, but pornographic and without a true intimacy... .Maybe reading those posts will make it easier for you to understand and accept her behavior from the point of her disorder without taking it so much personally.  Yes, they often use the words "never", "always", "nobody but you" ... .it is horrible to fall down from that height, from feeling love and adoration to ... .emptiness. But it is time to take care of ourselves - love us as much as we loved them Even much more.

We are here first of all to focus on ourselves and face our pain with people who have been there. Alcohol and Valium are not a good solution for a long term...   Alcohol makes you numb for a bit, but it hurts even more afterwards. Have you considered finding a therapist or counselor? Or joining a support group? Are you doing anything?  It helps a lot to be around people who love you and people whom you love, spending time with close family and friends. Also the old trick with exercising and getting some dopamine high does wonders

[Ironmanrises]

Houseofswans,

Welcome.

She will present you as such to the new man... .

Because she has painted you black... .

Which is part of the disorder... .

And by painting you black... .

Relieves her(temporarily) of the guilt/shame... .

That would be reflected off of her very behavior... .

And thus it gets projected onto you... .

And the new man... .

Gets to feel like he is rescuing her... .

From you... .

When in reality... .

He will be you... .

In x period of time.

If she told you her previous ex's before you were abusers... .

That should be a telling sign... .

That they were you... .

At that point in time.

I know it sucks.

[peas]

House, this is fantastic news!

It's been four weeks without contact with my exBPDgf

Sure, I read the rest of your post, but the most important thing in it was the first half of the sentence you wrote after Hello.

[houseofswans]

@Ironmanfalls - I like what you write and it does begin to make sense to me.

happylogist - thank you for your contribution, I so welcome people's thoughts to my posts. I know alcohol and valium are not good for the long term. I'm hoping that as time goes on and I can accept what's happened, then they will be replaced by something healthier! I am trying to do new things to help keep my mind occupied - yoga, meditation, pilates, walking groups, etc... .

I can't afford a therapist, and I'm in a part of the country where it would be very difficult to find a support group.

Dare I say that (per my "Can I just say that... ." post that I hope I have found a welcoming and loving support group on this very forum.

@peas - yes, I've never known four weeks to drag so much in my life!

[allweareisallweare]

I am also four weeks NC, Houseofswans - you and I need to stand shoulder-to-shoulder, buddy.  Today is extremely hard for me in general - I am finding life has became such a landslide - but I know it's about maintenance. She also has (who knows if still... .?) someone else new - I couldn't explain it initially - I knew it was too short (ten days, less!) for her to rebound. But then slowly, helped b this site, I built up a dossier against her. I new she had BPD anyway, but it explained everything,

We've got to believe together that we're better than the person - they will stress us out from beyond our NC, they will wind us up, but we're doing it simply to save ourselves. We'll move on with our lives not because we're lucky, but because we deserve it!

Peace

[houseofswans]

Hi allweareisallweare - thanks for that. Yes, we share a common pain. It all made sense to me too when I looked into BPD. I didn't know that she had it when we were together, but researching brought it all into focus.

What are your thoughts (or anyone else's please) about 'rebounding'. You say it was ten days, but was anything said by either of you that your relationship was over?

In my case, we were just on a break - or so I thought, but during that time she'd met and was seeing someone else. Maybe I was expecting too much for closure, and she may have thought that she'd try this new guy out and if it didn't work out, then I would be non (no pun intended) the wiser... .

[allweareisallweare]

It's a very complex situation in my case. Very. It's hard going through this, but I will because I know it helps sharing. She left to try a new job in a neighbouring country - she always lived 1000 miles away anyway, and so we kept a LDR - and when she did there was little contact to justify any relationship. She wasn't making any effort to maintain contact, tbh. She claimed that spouses were not allowed in the dorm where she was in.

I started to get annoyed, angry and sick of this over time. It really was hard since we were past the three months stage of not seeing each other - we had always seen each other physically on or before three months - and combining with her behavior, I was getting really mad. I flagged it with her three times to keep the contact up, try, but she just gave me crap about not having time. The final straw was when I saw she was socialising with a male, seemingly alone (tagging in FB) - this would be the male she cheated on me with ultimately, who she rebounded with.

But I sent her a message saying I could get over there and stay in a hotel, could she help me? It was really heading for war at this point, I mentioned to my brother two three weeks I was getting sick of her. But she sent the most unenthusiastic reply, said 'we were breaking up just like her father had that day with *****' don't delete me I'm still fond of you etc ... ." I had blocked and deleted her after hearing this before in the past a fair number of times - she's not well, see - and so I did, I deleted and blocked her.

BUT all the other times I had fought tooth and nail to claw things back. Every last time it was me to repair things. This time I didn't. Ten days later I unblocked FB and she was in this charade, this relationship. She hadn't attempted to say 'I'm sorry, I love you, I didn't mean it, I'll make time' this was the last time for us. I don't feel guilty about deleting and blocking her, she's an extremely sick person who manipulated things because she knew they were going to go that way.

Ironically, when she knew I had a date she was trying to re-engage... .

I hate this person. I'm glad things went the way they did. Looking back now she had to go one way or the other, if me deleting her from FB set that spark off then so be it, I don't regret that it was because I was being manipulated and in a relationship with somebody who had allowed a mental illness to substitute for effort, empathy and love. Nobody who gives a **** about a love would ever A) Bounce back that quick B) Not try to work things out if they loved someone.  And nobody who is of sound mind would rush into something after five and a half year relationship, but because I know she has BPD I don't expect anything else.

I'd never have mine back. I despise the person I was involved with. There's so many what ifs with it, but ultimately it happened, it's a setback for me, but a step back towards oblivion for her. I could never even remotely engage with her on any level again.

[bpdspell]

In the beginning of NC things can get emotionally tough as our true feelings of abandonment pain and fear come to collect. It's withdrawal pain but it's also the loss of fantasy, belonging to someone, and the feeling of unconditional love that makes this loss so sad and intense.

Stay strong by doing whatever you can to keep your focus on you. Take it one day at a time and continue to read and digest the critical aspects of this disorder. In time you will see how the parts of your personality were attracted to such a damaged woman. There are a lot of lessons to be learned with hindsight.

In the beginning I was reeling in so much pain that I wanted the earth to open up and swallow me whole. There were times when I wanted to not wake up ever. But with my therapist and posting on here non-stop... .things got better. What's important is that you resist isolation, and self-destructive habits like over drinking (alcohol's a depressant), and muster up the strength to work out, go for a walk/run, stay hydrated with water... .and talk it out with a therapist or trusted (and hopefully patient) friend.

We may miss them but we certainly don't miss all of them. I missed the sex too as it was the overall glue that held the pickup sticks of our relationship together. But I didn't miss the emotional dsyregulation, the entitlement, the lack of reciprocity, the lack of empathy, the rages, the possessiveness, the jealousy. Remembering all of the truth kept my feet planted in No Contact.

Our Ex's are not the best that we can do. They are not the apex of love. It may feel that way right now but they are mentally ill and lack the capacity to love us in a emotionally mature way.

Spell