Setting Boundaries with my BPD Sis

[audioangel2]

I'm new to the message board and still trying to figure out what my 22 year old sister's recent BPD diagnosis  means for our relationship.

A couple of weeks ago, my sister entered an intensive outpatient psychiatric program almost convinced she was bi-polar. She has/had a whole long list of mental and emotional issues that have been present since early childhood (ADHD, depression, anxiety, sensory processing disorder, etc). We had never even heard of BPD, but after a psychologist pointed it out to her and I did a little research, it sounds like someone slapped my sister's picture in the DSM-IV.

For years she has controlled our family with her aggressive outbursts, guilt trips/manipulation, and narcissism. My parents always had the hope that her behavior was a "phase" and that if we treated her with patience she would eventually "grow out of it", and have preached to me that I should always treat her with forgiveness and understanding (aka let her walk all over me). We have an older brother who is a recovering alcoholic, and between the two of them the family has been in a constant state of drama for at least the last 7 or 8 years... .maybe longer.

Recently, I have become aware of how wrong and destructive my parents' message has been and started speaking up for myself and setting boundaries. My relationship with my sister is pretty inconsistent as she can go from being wonderful and loving to flaky, aggressive and insulting (or downright abusive) pretty rapidly. Obviously during her periods of rage and abuse it is easy to distance myself from her, but when she acts as if nothing has happened the next time I see her, it is hard to hold firm- it makes me feel like I am the one causing the drama by refusing to interact with her. Add to that the family pressures of maintaining a relationship and it's kind of a recipe for obligatory, tense interactions.

I am happily married with a young daughter, and my husband and I have been working on setting boundaries for our family in order to protect our 4 year old. This was going on even before the diagnosis. But, now that I am learning more about BPD, I am losing hope that these boundaries will have any real effect except to sever my relationship with her. My wish would be, of course, that my sister would get healthy and learn to respect my boundaries, but I am feeling more and more like this is out of reach for us.

So I guess that brings me to my question(s). I have decided that I will no longer endure verbal abuse from my sister, or be present when she is verbally abusing others. I realize this means I may have to get up and leave family gatherings, which is going to suck. It's worth it to me to not be berated by her or to have my daughter in the room witnessing one of her out-of-control tantrums. But the real question I have is, is it unreasonable for me to require an apology from my sister for her inappropriate behavior? As far as I can remember, my sister has never ONCE apologized for the cruel and hurtful ways she's treated me. I don't expect her to go back in time and apologize for every past slight, but, moving forward, I do want her to own and apologize for her disrespectful and abusive behavior.

Is this a reasonable expectation for someone with BPD, or is she literally incapable of acknowledging her own wrongdoing?

[Bonus mom]

Hi audioangel2,

I am both the daughter of a BPD mom, and stepmom to a BPD daughter - so unfortunately, I have been at both ends of this disorder for all my life.

I feel for your situation, and I'm sure you're going to find that there are many people here who commiserate.

Since it looks like you've done some research on BPD, I feel that I can be honest (and blunt) by stating that it would be unreasonable for you to expect an apology from your sister for poor behaviour before moving forward with her.  As I'm sure you already know, BPD people simply aren't wired the way the rest of us are when it comes to relationships.   

Many people on this site will tell you that the only thing that you can do is change yourself.  But that doesn't mean changing your values and your views. Rather it means changing the way that you experience situations with your sister - you can only control yourself.  So if she does freak out at a family event, you have the ability to quietly and calmly pack up your family and leave.   I suspect the worst of this for you, will be worrying about how other people (your family) are perceiving you and your actions when you do get up and walk away.   If there is any message I could possibly impart upon you at all, it would be that what other people think doesn't matter. You must take care of yourself and your own immediate family. 

Sometimes though, that is easier said than done.  Family pressures can make things quite difficult for those of us who choose to take care of ourselves.  I personally have found that by sticking to my convictions, and by keeping my BPD relationships at arms length, I feel much better when we do have contact.  And sometimes I do standup, say thank you, pack up my family and walk away.  For all of the heartache that comes with BPD, I can say this: it has made me a stronger person!

[GeekyGirl]

Hi audioangel2,

Welcome!   It's hard being at the crossroads you're at now; I can imagine why you're not sure how your sister's diagnosis will affect your relationship and what's going to happen in the future. As the parent of a young child myself, I understand why you wouldn't want your daughter subjected to unnecessary drama.

Bonus mom is right: you cannot change or control your sister's actions. You can choose how you respond to them, and you're doing yourself a big favor by keeping up your boundaries. Have you had a chance to look over the information here about boundaries? Boundaries Tools of Respect

I don't expect her to go back in time and apologize for every past slight, but, moving forward, I do want her to own and apologize for her disrespectful and abusive behavior.

Is this a reasonable expectation for someone with BPD, or is she literally incapable of acknowledging her own wrongdoing?

If she doesn't see her behavior as disrespectful or hurtful, it's not likely that she will acknowledge it. Whether she does or not has a lot to do with her self-awareness. Many people with BPD don't realize how impactful their behavior is, and don't take responsibility for it. What would happen if your sister does not own up to her behavior?

[audioangel2]

Ugh, I had a feeling that I would not be able to expect an apology from her, but it still kind of sucks to hear that truth... .

What would happen if your sister does not own up to her behavior?

I don't really know... .that is what I am trying to decide. I don't know how I can have any kind of honest relationship with a person who verbal abuses me and then cannot comprehend or apologize for what she has done wrong. I wouldn't allow that kind of behavior from anyone else in my life.

I guess I am still grieving the loss of the relationship, or what I hoped the relationship would be. I thought there might come a day when she would be able to own up to her faults, apologize, and begin to take an active interest in me and my family. But if I am honest with myself, I don't think that is coming. I don't think my sister will ever be a safe or trustworthy person, and I doubt very much she will ever be capable of reciprocating/investing in our relationship. 

Am I totally overreacting? I admit I feel an immense loss of hope with this diagnosis. I have hung on to this relationship hoping for it to someday be repaired, but I don't think she is even emotionally able to give me what I need to heal from all the damage she has done.

[audioangel2]

Have you had a chance to look over the information here about boundaries? Boundaries Tools of Respect

Actually I haven't looked at the boundaries resources on this site yet, but I have been reading this book: www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454 , and so far that has been really helpful.

[Bonus mom]

"I guess I am still grieving the loss of the relationship, or what I hoped the relationship would be."

That, truly, is the greatest challenge we face as people who love/loved BPD's.  It is a true grieving process that we must all go through in order to find our own peace and heal.  When the love that we offer people is rejected, it is painful - but when we are dealing with a mental illness, the harsh truth is that we really only have two options; Keep trying to change the situation (which is a square peg/round hole cycle!), or accept the reality of the situation. 

Take the time that you need to grieve the loss of the relationship that you hoped to have with your sister, it may very well involve distancing yourself from her.   (Know that there may be people in your life who won't understand why you are distancing yourself from her, but people here on this site will understand, and will be there to support you when you need to vent or ask questions.) 

I would also suggest that you allow yourself to feel the full range of emotions in the grieving cycle, so that you can come out the other end with a renewed sense of what your future relationship will be with your sister.   It could be limited or no contact with her, or you may find that you can create a new relationship with her on a more casual level - just as you might have with a work colleague.  Reading other posts on this site will help you see how other people have coped as well.

My relationship with my BPD mom is just like that, very casual.  And now we are facing the same with our BPD daughter (my stepdaughter).  I have to admit it was much easier for me to let go of my expectations for my BPD stepdaughter after having already lived a life with my mom and this illness - I had much less fight in me when it came to my stepdaughter, because I already know what the future will have in store for us so long as she chooses not to have any therapy. 

I can tell you this, there is a true peace in being able to let go of your own expectations.  It's almost ironic that the less you expect of your loved one with BPD, the easier everything is when you have contact with them.

I wish you very well on this journey!

[nevermore]

I had a BPD brother and I have a BPD mother. It has been my experience that the rages and bad behavior are at their worst during family gatherings. I suspect it is the audience that brings it out. Having to grieve for a family member who is within arms reach is very hard. They are right there. You can reach out and touch them... .but they aren't "there" in a way that you had always believed they would be.  I have known my mother is BP for about ten years and I still ache for a real mother's love. I will never have it and accepting that is as good as it gets.  My brother and I were so close but he would explode in anger, suffer paranoid ideas that distanced him and at times he would simply disappear.  I would love to have had a "normal" relationship but it was impossible.

You will never get a real apology.  That is tough to hear, I know.  The best you can do for yourself and your little family is stick to your rule of not sitting through outbursts. Just get up and leave without a confrontation.  Eventually they will understand that you will not sit still and deal with it. Your husband and daughter do not need the stress of these outbursts and you deserve peace.

[gloveman]

     Yes, it is unreasonable to expect an acknowledgement of her wrongdoing, that only happens in movies. Luke Skywalker was being beat up by the emperor and says to Darth Vader," Father I know there is still good left in you. Help me." So the good comes to the surface and Darth Vader picks up the emperor and throws him down the central atrium of the Death Star to his assumed death.

     In reality BPD people only apologize after therapy and/or medication. They can not do it on there own.

[missmyseester]

My goodness... . I feel like I could have written this! I am in the same situation. I was unknowingly in NC with my 32yr old uBPsis for the last 4-6months because of her recent behaviors/actions. About a month after I discovered BPD she sent the "olive branch" email saying we should hang out and never talk about the bad stuff that we did. I replied kindly stating that I feel we NEED to discuss what happened--preferably with a therapist. (I guess I have/had empty hopes for her to realize/acknowledge/apologize for what she did). She responded today saying she still doesn't think talking about it will "fix" anything and that she would maybe consider counseling only IF our first few "meetups" went horribly bad.

Ugh! I feel like if I don't follow through with my boundaries of talking about this thru counseling, I'm failing myself. I feel like if I DO follow thru my boundaries, I'm failing her. Setting boundaries makes it seem like I'm giving up on any hope of a healthy relationship with my only sibling/sister  :'(

[Lights]

If only to second what everyone else is saying, I don't think you can reasonably expect a "real" apology.  My uBPDmom was unable to see the disconnect between her unkind words & actions and her stated desire to be close to me. 

It is at first unbelievable to the nonBPD that anyone could fail to see this, and I think that is why so many people with no experience with BPD also find it hard to understand how complicated the relationship with a BPD can become.  So please do not feel like you have to explain yourself to others -- for what it's worth, most people who know your sister will understand exactly why you got up and left, and for every person who is not happy with that decision, there will be others who only respect you more for it and may even quietly support you and stand up for you when you have left.

In my experience, my uBPDmom was not able to understand this disconnect and got really, really angry when I would say, "Well, you say this, but you DO this... . " or "You literally just said the opposite of that 10 minutes ago... . " And I had to give up trying to "fix" her, use logic, or explain "my" side of things (which at best, with a counselor present, she would accept as an amusing fictional anecdote loosely based on her reality). 

A lot of people move to "radical acceptance" -- which I think means accepting the person exactly as they are and acknowledging that there is no way to "fix" them and abandoning the desire to do so.  Others go "no contact."  I think inbetween those two points is a lot of FOG and difficulty, but everyone finds the place eventually where they are most comfortable with themselves in how they react & interacts, and it is just a process you have to go through.  Good luck!

[Anna Butterfly]

If there is any message I could possibly impart upon you at all, it would be that what other people think doesn't matter. You must take care of yourself and your own immediate family. 

I have a BPDSis, and it took me many years to learn this.  Like you, I decided I would no longer put up with verbal abuse and I would not allow my children to see it either.  I was also pressured by my parents to let her walk all over me to keep the peace.  The quote from Bonus Mom sums it up nicely- you owe it to yourself and your own family to make decisions in their best interests.

My BPDSis is incapable of understanding her behavior due to the severity of her illness- if your sister is anything like mine, do not hold out hope for an apology, you will just be disappointed.

-Anna

[gloveman]

I am retired and volunteer at a place that is both a senior assisted living home and an Alzheimer’s residence. Today, one of the ladies from the assisted living center told me how she has known my parent’s for 25 years and how great they are. She, especially, liked my dad, and described him as a “gentleman’s gentleman.”

   My late father had a severe case of BPD. He was nasty and abusive to me my whole life. He, also, said things that were wrong and just plain crazy. He in many ways ruined my life, because even though I never had BPD, I picked up some of the symptoms from him. My mom has a, what do you call it, regular case of BPD. My younger brother, also, has it.

   My parent’s would constantly tell me to put up with him. After all, “You only have one brother.” I did put up with him until I had children. Then they came first in my life. My wife and I cut our contacts with him and the parents to the absolute minimum that we could.

   My parents decided that their was something wrong with my wife and me, because we avoided my brother. Even when I told them that our middle son said to us many times, “Uncle … made me cry.”””

   By putting your children first you are setting boundaries and protecting yourself, too.

   You can’t expect reason or logic from a person with BPD, because it is always the disease that is talking.

   

[spots]

I agree with what has been said on this board - expecting an apology will lead to nothing but disappointment. An apology is an acknowledgement that a person has been in the wrong - and someone with BPD is incapable of this because most of the time they are irrational. So expecting a rational response from an irrational person is not never going to happen. Apologies if this sounds harsh, but this is something I have come to terms with after just realising my sister has uBPD. She can rant and rave and threaten suicide and say she hates everyone, then the next day act like nothing happened. I am coming to terms with the fact that to admit any wrongdoing on her behalf would require a mature level of self-awareness, the absence of which is one of the characteristics of BPD.

In my case, my sister is currently at the worst point, threatening suicide every couple of day, not working and living at home with my parents and verbally abusing them every day, but I have to say it is helping me to realise she has BPD and not get too emotionally involved (except when it comes to my parents, as I am very worried about them).

I started seeing a therapist to deal with all the family drama and she told me that it would help me to pathologise my sister, put her in the BPD category and see that she is sick - she said usually mental health professionals advocate against such stereotyping and 'putting into the mentally ill box' but that when it comes to BPD, it is helpful to do this and get some distance from the person and see them as a 'sick' person who cannot help how they act sometimes (of course, you don't have to put up with it, but don't expect to have a rational argument with them for example).

Hope this helps.