Fearful of a re engagement

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I am afraid of re engagement by my exUBPDgf possibly/likely happening.

Yes... .I am healing slowly... .

But I am not fully healed.

No where close.

She has re engaged me once before... .

And I allowed it.

I was naive about the possibility of her coming back even though I was lurking on these boards as a guest in that NC period before she came back.

When she did come back... .

I predicted the outcome of what was going to happen in the course of the relationship.

And it all came to fruition.

It was that cycle of hell.

It is nearing that time frame of this eventuality possibly occurring.

I am not ready.

Have I maintained NC?

Yes.

Have I closed all possible ways of her contacting me?

Yes... .

I have closed my Facebook/Instagram permanently since she left.

With the exception of changing my number.

She knows where I work.

She knows where I live.

Even though she lives 4+ hours away... .

She has exhibited stalking behavior before.

I cannot be naive about this not happening because it has happened before... .

And is the very reason why I am here now.

She knows what buttons to push with me.

She is quite skilled at it.

[Ironmanrises]

I am afraid of re engagement by my exUBPDgf possibly/likely happening.

Yes... .I am healing slowly... .

But I am not fully healed.

No where close.

She has re engaged me once before... .

And I allowed it.

I was naive about the possibility of her coming back even though I was lurking on these boards as a guest in that NC period before she came back.

When she did come back... .

I predicted the outcome of what was going to happen in the course of the relationship.

And it all came to fruition.

It was that cycle of hell.

It is nearing that time frame of this eventuality possibly occurring.

I am not ready.

Have I maintained NC?

Yes.

Have I closed all possible ways of her contacting me?

Yes... .

I have closed my Facebook/Instagram permanently since she left.

With the exception of changing my number.

She knows where I work.

She knows where I live.

Even though she lives 4+ hours away... .

She has exhibited stalking behavior before.

I cannot be naive about this not happening because it has happened before... .

And is the very reason why I am here now.

She knows what buttons to push with me.

She is quite skilled at it.

[Relentless]

Did she give you silent treatment the first time? And when you went 90 days NC the first time... .Was that a clean break and 90 days happened or was there a period of trying to get her back before the 90?

I think you're awesome on here contributing so much. I know I'm still worried I WON'T get re engaged... .Not because I want her back... .But because I miss her and we were friends 13 years before dating.

Anyways... .You're doing great. If she does... .Even though you're still healing... .You're stronger than you know.

[PhoenixRising15]

IMF,

me too man. me too.

my ex is gone until january.  She's blocked on social media, email, phone again.

But she knows where i live.

I know her well enough to know she will try to re-engage.  I'm terrified of that.  It keeps me up at night, because I know she is doing whatever she wants right now and she thinks she can walk back into my life at any moment and win me back over.

The hurt she has inflicted on me will take years to overcome.  I could be with her then.  But it would literally take years for me to just forgive, forget, let go and let her grow up.  Until I'm a different person and she's a different person, I want nothing to do with her.  It will only hurt me.

All I want is to be detached by January.  To have it not matter what she says or does.

I don't know what to tell you, but I'm here for ya man.  I'm here for ya.

[findingmyselfagain]

IMF,

Sometimes I wonder if mine will re-engage. It's been nearly 3 years since the last time we saw each other. Of course, it was a cold good-bye. I've only gotten the odd phone call only once, but numerous emails from newsletters I never signed up for. Even a Pandora account I didn't sign up for. It makes me wonder a little bit if it isn't some form of "waify" contact. The "odd" contact doesn't bother me as much, and I think I'd be ok with an email. My only fear is she might end up somewhere where I'm likely to be. Luckily, we're 50 miles from each other, and she's a single mom so she doesn't have huge amounts of time for leisure. I may be at the point where I'd be civil enough to say Hello, but I don't know that I want to invite the dynamic back in my life again. It's not so much the "Hello" that bothers me... .it's what could happen afterwards if she believes she wants to be friends, etc. Who knows? I think I'm justified in letting the sleeping dog lie. If I saw her somewhere more than likely, I'd just find something else fun to do for the evening.

What is it that you're afraid of? Aren't you in control of re-engaging or not? I haven't had any real contact by email with mine in over a year. I've avoided social media as much as I can. As time goes by it gets easier, getting to "acceptance" and wanting to live my own life in the present, than dwelling too much on the past. It's been like withdrawing from heroin or crack. I've been in slightly decreasing misery for the last 3 years. I wouldn't want to invite that back into my life. Would you?

[Ironmanrises]

Relentless,

Thank you for your kind words.

The first time she left... .

I started getting silent treatment towards end... .

She would talk to me less and less and reduce everything to texts... .

While speaking to everyone else.

I broke NC about 2 weeks in... .

And she raged at me... .

Literally RAGED.

I had only begun reading on these boards at that point... .

So wasn't fully aware of danger of doing that.

The things she said... .

Tore right through me.

I went full NC that very night... .

Until she directly re engaged me almost 3 months later... .

The second time... .

I started getting silent treatment like first time... .

But more intense.

When she would try and speak to me on the phone... .

She became inarticulate... .

Like her words started breaking apart... .

As this happened... .

She reduced the communication to just texting... .

Just like first time... .

While speaking to everyone else.

When the discard came... .

And I tried to speak to her about her behavior... .

I couldn't hold it in anymore at that point... .

She didn't rage at me like the first time... .

But became brutally cold and mean.

And kept talking over me at the same time.

She literally kept rattling on without stopping.

I knew at that point full NC was all that was left... .

And it's been NC since... .

With that weird text that I got from a few blocks from her house(I googled number and it showed me where it originated from... .I know it's her)... .

And other weird texts/calls/ silent voicemail on my cell... .

Same weirdness as first time.

Any contact with her dissolves me.

It is why I fear it.

She knows all my "ins"... .

I f¥cking hate this.

I know you miss you ex, her friendship and all... .

You spent a long time getting to know her... .

For her to up and leave you like that... .

I know that pain my friend.

The entire person you have to contend with to get that back though... .

Will only hurt you.

That is all they know.

To hurt us.

The ones closest to them.

And it sucks.


Questioning,

Thank you man.

Your post yesterday freaked me out too.

I know how you feel.

Your ex and my ex might as very well be the same person.

They know what they are doing... .

They know us... .

They know how to bypass our gatekeepers... .

You did well in not responding.

Keep your guard up... .

Because any small slip in manning that gate... .

And she will pour herself right through there... .

Literally ooze her way back into your life... .

And you have to keep her out.

They bring us joy... .

Happiness... .

All at the cost of pain.

Raw f¥cking pain.

To drown us in.

Hang in there buddy.

Finding,

3 years is a long time... .

But when it comes to BPD... .

Even time knows no number for them.

I am afraid of giving in.

And she knows this.

She knows she reeled me in before.

I've tried to stay a step ahead of her by closing social media... .

So she has no idea of what I am doing... .

But she stalks regardless.

Imagine she shows up at my job?

Or my house?

With her sons?

Sounds insane... .

I know.

But it is possible.

That is what scares me too.

She never even returned my stuff.

What if now she uses that as her attempt to do the above... .?

I don't want to be naive about it... .

That shortcoming... .

Allowed her access to what I was doing.

[Octoberfest]

All-

I think a little bit of grounding may be helpful.

For as seductive as our BPDex's were/are to us, they do not have magical powers.  The only power they have over us is that which we give them.  I am not insinuating that any of us here asked for this; but rather, that we each have a weakness, or a gap, or void in our life that our BPDex's were able to fill.  This is why it is critical in our recovery to address our own issues.  So that we become aware of them, understand them, and can deal with them in a healthier way than by being in an unhealthy relationship.

Your BPDex may very well try and reengage you.  But that does not mean you have to fall back into a relationship with her. You have choices here.  You get to decide when enough is enough.  And you get to decide that you deserve something better.

The power is in your hands.

[Ironmanrises]

All-

I think a little bit of grounding may be helpful.

For as seductive as our BPDex's were/are to us, they do not have magical powers.  The only power they have over us is that which we give them.  I am not insinuating that any of us here asked for this; but rather, that we each have a weakness, or a gap, or void in our life that our BPDex's were able to fill.  This is why it is critical in our recovery to address our own issues.  So that we become aware of them, understand them, and can deal with them in a healthier way than by being in an unhealthy relationship.

Your BPDex may very well try and reengage you.  But that does not mean you have to fall back into a relationship with her. You have choices here.  You get to decide when enough is enough.  And you get to decide that you deserve something better.

The power is in your hands.

Totally valid.

All of it.

You are right October.

In bold.

It is why i need her to stay away from me... .

That power shift occurs in exposure to her.

[DragoN]

Similar boat as yourself IMF:

It was that cycle of hell.

Been a decade of that. Sometimes I feel soft, I am human, but I remember that. It doesn't  change and it got worse, not better over time.

Stay strong.

[Ironmanrises]

Similar boat as yourself IMF:

It was that cycle of hell.

Been a decade of that. Sometimes I feel soft, I am human, but I remember that. It doesn't  change and it got worse, not better over time.

Stay strong.

A decade... .?

I am so sorry.

I lasted mere months... .

And that was hell on earth for me.

You are quite strong... .

The amount of missiles you must have endured... .

In that time frame... .

I cannot even fathom.

And you are right... .

It got worse with mine too.

You as well Silentium.

[letmeout]

I use to be constantly worried that my BPDexh would try to re-engage, and I would get sucked back in. Then after 2 yrs of NC he shows up at my brother's memorial service and... .cursed at my sister-in-law. I never went near him while he was there.

What kind of a person behaves like that? The kind of person that I don't ever want to have any contact with again. At least now I don't have to worry about getting sucked back in anymore. I saw him with clear and open eyes, and I was mortified that I was ever married to him.

It is a pity that I am recovering so slowly, but its better than never recovering.

[Ironmanrises]

Letmeout,

That is horrible.

I am really sorry.

What kind of person does that?

Someone with BPD... .

Unfortunately.

Hang in there.

[Relentless]

Thanks for the info IMF. I tried to talk to my ex off and on for 5 or 6 weeks with no responses until her dad called the police after that last one which was after almost 2 weeks NC.

I know they're different but I'm wondering if there really is a chance she will try to come back. It's been a month today I believe or tomorrow... .30 days tomorrow since I last attempted contact.

She comes back into town in December around Xmas... .I feel like if she doesn't try to come back I will feel like crap about all I have her. It's narcissistic the way I think about how I was to her... .But it was an exception... .I didn't treat anyone else so amazingly, so I'm not claiming to be an exception as a man, but that she was my exception (I believe I'm an above average BF... .But definitely not narcissistic about the general concept).

Idk, I've been REALLY depressed the past few days.

Thank for listening, and thanks for talking with me/us I hope it's helping you as much as you e helped me and others.

[Ironmanrises]

Relentless,

Welcome.

All you fellow nons help me too.

Its my only solace... .

This forum.

All my friends outside only seem to care about if i am returning to facebook... .

Which i am not.

But they dont understand.

And never will.

If/when your ex re engages you... .

And she tells you... .

I am so sorry my dad called the police on you... .

I will never do that you again... .

I should have treated you better... .

She will tell you such things... .

(Mine did)... .

And at first... .

That is what you want to hear... .

Some sort of validation... .

Which you deserve... .

I get that... .

But in getting that... .

Leaves the door open enough... .

For your ex to come flooding back in... .

And she will re-idealize you... .

Because that is what she will be feeling... .

For that time period only... .

Until... .

She starts getting close to you again... .

And gets triggered... .

Which causes that other side... .

To emerge again... .

That other side has been present all along... .

But was dormant... .

Until triggered... .

And the devaluation you will face... .

Will be far more vicious... .

The second time... .

Because she got closer to you... .

Thus the hate she will project... .

Will be that much more intense... .

She had her dad call the cops the first time... .

Can you imagine what she will do the second time... .?

I dont mean to scare you with this... .

But i want you to see... .

What will very likely happen... .

Because their behavior is a cycle... .

That repeats... .

You went through this once... .

Look at how she has made you feel... .

Imagine a far worse outcome a second time... .

It is why i do not want my ex to re engage me... .

Can you imagine how god awful she will treat me in round 3 if i were to let her back in again?

I know you miss her.

You invested many years into getting to know her... .

I get that.

Trust me i do.

I invested years into getting to know my ex too... .

And my end result... .

0.

You need to heal... .

And only way to do that... .

Is with her away from you.

You are not alone friend... .

Keep posting on here.

[peas]

Just curious Ironman: you had a long distance relationship with your BPDex. Did you know her from your past in the same town and one of you moved? Or did you meet long distance?

Only reason I ask is I had an LDR with my uBPDexbf and I am always curious about the dynamic distance brings to people with with attachment and abandonment issues. I feel it played a huge factor in the demise of my r/s.

Mine was unique in that my guy and I lived and met in the same town -- we lived only two miles apart -- and in the first month of meeting we fell for each other hard. But after one month in, I moved for a job. That decision hurt like hell. I was so conflicted. The decision haunts me to this day. I feel a big responsibility for killing the r/s just as it was starting. I big time tried to compensate and would drive eight hours roundtrip to see my boyfriend nearly every weekend (we live in the same state).

But oh he guilt tripped me so much for taking the job. I had no choice because I had been unemployed for a year and was getting no job offers locally, otherwise I would have gladly stayed. We lasted six months in the LDR, with three recycles. He was inconsistent: one week it was "I miss you, I need you and I want you here" and the next week it would be "I'm used to be being gone." Then we progressed to marriage talk and him possibly moving to my city or me quitting my job and returning his (and my original) city. Then I became devalued and that was it.

Now that I know about BPD and I see how it explains a lot of my ex's behavior, I would probably have put up with the same r/s problems if I remained local to him. We might have lasted longer, but knowing that he can't manage stress and emotions, is hypersensitive, angry, jealous, irrational, etc., the r/s would have still been a tough job.

Just curious how your LDR factored in your r/s.

[Ironmanrises]

We met long distance... .

In round 1... .

She came to see me in NYC(me)... .

And i went to go see her in Boston(her)... .

At the time... .

I had told her... .

I would go see her on longer in between periods(monthly)... .

She didnt like that.

In round 2... .

I went to go see her every week... .

So i had increased me going over there by quite a bit... .

I tried to show her that look, i am coming a lot more now(to calm her abandonment fears)... .

Obviously that wasnt going to work... .

At first she loved it(idealization)... .

Once triggered... .

She became indifferent... .

And ultimately... .

Didnt want me coming anymore.

And in devaluation... .

She actually came to NYC twice... .

Both times... .

Did not come see me at all.

But hung out with her friends and family.

When i questioned her on this... .

Her response... .

"Oh Ironmanfalls, you cant be so needy... .you are insecure and dont want me spending time with my friends and family... ."

She couldnt even set aside 1 hour to have lunch with me... .

After all my trips to go see her.

I dont know how much it factored in the relationship... .

But as you can see... .

Whether i went a little... .

Or a lot... .

End result... .

She left.

Regardless.

[peas]

I did the same thing, established a consistent visiting schedule as much as was within my power so he would see that I was committed and stood by my word that I wanted to be with him and to help with his abandonment fears.

It worked for a while, but then he just devalued anyway and started pushing me away to where he didn't like me coming every weekend (I strongly suspect he had replacements starting to line up) and he would spend less time with me on my visits.

[Ironmanrises]

Scary the similarity... .?

In bold... .

I did the same thing, established a consistent visiting schedule as much as was within my power so he would see that I was committed and stood by my word that I wanted to be with him and to help with his abandonment fears.

It worked for a while, but then he just devalued anyway and started pushing me away to where he didn't like me coming every weekend (I strongly suspect he had replacements starting to line up) and he would spend less time with me on my visits.

I tried explaining this to my close friends at the time... .

Their response... .

"Maybe she just wasnt that into you... "... .Line.  

If it were only that simple.

[Learning_curve74]

I have to say: wake up! pwBPD want AND fear intimacy, that's because their thought processes are disordered and their behaviors are thus dysfunctional. You cannot be close to them, you cannot be distant, but you can be their punching bag! 

They say insanity is doing the same thing over and over yet expecting a different result. That's what pwBPD do, the same crap over and over. Just because they're insane doesn't mean we have to be.

If you feel inexorably drawn to her for a recycle, then you are needy in some unhealthy way. What does she give you that you don't otherwise have in your life? There is no shame in examining yourself and finding that you are lacking in some particular area. In fact, that is a great step in self discovery and growth!

[Lao Tzu]

Dear Ironman,

     You will gain strength in this by giving yourself the thing she gave you.  Think about what it really was that has been acting like a drug to you.  Sex? Doubtful. You could get every fantasy satisfied tonight with a fairly minor drain to your bank account, at worst.  Support? not from a pwBPD, they only sing "me, me me".  What was it, then?  Why did she select you to be the one she would latch on to?  As I've crawled out of the FOG I've recalled conversations with her just before we started up our r/s where she literally interviewed me (using the same techniques I use now to interview people for a job) about my dependency issues.  Did she do the same?  If so, why?

     There's a very good answer to each question for me and figuring it out has freed me (almost entirely) from the fear of melting again if she said she made a mistake and wanted me back.  Work on these questions for yourself, as your answers might be different from mine.  If I can help, let me know.

LT     

[strikeforce]

Dear Ironman,

     You will gain strength in this by giving yourself the thing she gave you.  Think about what it really was that has been acting like a drug to you.  Sex? Doubtful. You could get every fantasy satisfied tonight with a fairly minor drain to your bank account, at worst.  Support? not from a pwBPD, they only sing "me, me me".  What was it, then?  Why did she select you to be the one she would latch on to?  As I've crawled out of the FOG I've recalled conversations with her just before we started up our r/s where she literally interviewed me (using the same techniques I use now to interview people for a job) about my dependency issues.  Did she do the same?  If so, why?

     There's a very good answer to each question for me and figuring it out has freed me (almost entirely) from the fear of melting again if she said she made a mistake and wanted me back.  Work on these questions for yourself, as your answers might be different from mine.  If I can help, let me know.

LT     

This is something I have been asking myself for a while, what was the 'drug'?

[Lao Tzu]

Dear Strike,

     There is no real hope of actually 'getting over' this thing, no matter how long or perfect the N/C -- mine was 30 years and involved absolutely no contact at all and when I saw her again I was right back where I started --unless you figure this out for yourself and then give what she gave you to yourself.  It's the only way to take away the power you've ladled onto them.  It's tough, but like most complex problems  there are some basic 'rules' these things tend to follow.  Do you have a little voice that berates the cr@p out of you for things you've done that were stupid  - even if they were a long time ago?  You might think everyone has that, but that isn't true.  If you do (I'm guessing), that's a pretty strong hint for you.  If you keep yelling "Idiot!" at yourself, what does that say about your self-image?  Why is it that way?  When you figure this out you'll be well on the way to seeing what the pwBPD was actually giving you.  It was at least as strong as a parental bond from infancy in many ways, so its no wonder it isn't possible to ignore, and it is indeed very much akin to drug usage, biochemically speaking.  Good luck on this road.  It actually has an end and its a very happy ending, in fact. If I can help, let me know.

LT

[Ironmanrises]

Learning,

What she was giving me was what I wasn't giving to myself... .

Love.

But a fake love... .

That filled the void within me... .

Where my core wound is... .

The love I should be giving to myself... .

But a real version of it.

It is why I am so afraid of her returning... .

My exposure to that... .

Would be like kryptonite was to Superman... .

And I would buckle.

I don't want that.

I realize I have this issue.

And it sucks.

I need to treat myself better.

The realization of this hurts.

Lao,

I don't remember my ex asking me questions like that... .

Perhaps she did... .

But in a various form to where I did not even realize it.

She knew all my fears.

My insecurities.

Everything.

I am trying to heal... .

But this wound is deep... .

And it requires me to fix things that extend far back into my childhood.

Thank you.

[strikeforce]

Dear Strike,

     There is no real hope of actually 'getting over' this thing, no matter how long or perfect the N/C -- mine was 30 years and involved absolutely no contact at all and when I saw her again I was right back where I started --unless you figure this out for yourself and then give what she gave you to yourself.  It's the only way to take away the power you've ladled onto them.  It's tough, but like most complex problems  there are some basic 'rules' these things tend to follow.  Do you have a little voice that berates the cr@p out of you for things you've done that were stupid  - even if they were a long time ago?  You might think everyone has that, but that isn't true.  If you do (I'm guessing), that's a pretty strong hint for you.  If you keep yelling "Idiot!" at yourself, what does that say about your self-image?  Why is it that way?  When you figure this out you'll be well on the way to seeing what the pwBPD was actually giving you.  It was at least as strong as a parental bond from infancy in many ways, so its no wonder it isn't possible to ignore, and it is indeed very much akin to drug usage, biochemically speaking.  Good luck on this road.  It actually has an end and its a very happy ending, in fact. If I can help, let me know.

LT

I have had a poor self image for a long time, low self esteem too. These problems date far back into childhood.

[Lao Tzu]

Dear Family,

     Yes, Strike, childhood certainly -- maybe even the unknowable time in infancy.  Don't let this dissuade you, though.  You can still figure it out.  You have been conditioned to think its normal or even necessary that you should always be looking for love and support and not finding it.  You believe you should always be the one on the short end of the stick when it comes to love.  Somewhere deep inside you, perhaps, feel that it has always been this way and will always be.  The one you want will never return that love to you just because you are a very fine person.  In fact, the only real chance you have is, maybe, if you rescue her from something.  I think this is how we all get in these r/s.  If we saw someone beautiful and smart and sexy, etc and we immediately thought "She will totally fall in love with me because I'm a really great person", we might never succumb to what the pwBPD does.  Better yet, maybe we would be able to see the less beautiful woman sitting next to her as someone we could be ecstatic over.  That is, we might not need to have arm candy in order to feel we have self-worth.  It's no coincidence that these BPD folks are all very good looking.  Only people with low self worth need someone beautiful.

     The latter is kind of an interesting thought isn't it?  If I look through a dating site I'll immediately pause at the knock-out and skim over the one with too much of her gums showing in her smile.  As my inner voice used to say: "Idiot!" I don't have to prove my worth to anyone by having the most gorgeous girl ever.  I'm OK enough with myself to be with the girl I really enjoy spending time with -- even with a gummy smile -- yet I might not even meet her since I'm so busy jumping on the heap of guys chasing Miss Big Knockers.  Be honest, here.  Isn't impressing everyone else with your babe a big part of why you are attracted to her?  Maybe it's just me.

     We can change this way of life.  We must change it if we're ever going to be happy.  The good news is that we are the ones capable of change. 

LT

[Conundrum]

A chasm exists between a lack of desire for contact and "fearing contact."  To fear contact (except in cases of dangerous abuse) implies that desirous aspects of the attachment are only being held at bay due to a lack of proximity. That gate keeper (proximity) is illusory, because the attachment lives on within the mind, with or without a tangible presence.

What do we fear? To be hurt. What is hurt? The absence of joy. Idealization, makes us feel joy. We place iconic status on the joy-maker. That is not shameful. When joy is taken away it hurts. There is a joy-void. That is not shameful either. The fear of contact, is actually the fear of feeling the pain of joy-removal. We want our joy. We desire it. The BPD bag of tricks is sublime in its dualistic attraction. Both beautiful and terrible, simultaneously--throughout the ages.

But as non's, we can clearly perceive--at will. We possess contextual awareness, and can differentiate between the shades of the spectrum.  Idealizing, causes exaggerated joy. We know that. Devaluation causes exaggerated sadness. We know that too. Both lack proportionality and balance. 

To desire extremes is where the non and pwBPD share a commonality--extreme sensation/feelings to fill a void. But, as we know it is an unbalanced desire--lacking nuance, subtlety and harmony.

Consequently, fearing contact runs concurrent with the belief that this particular attachment is the recipe for ultimate joy. It is not. There are complimentary shared pleasures and then there are individual-identity based, core elements which provide sustained meaning and joy. These are always distinct from romantic attachments.

So always question. Curiosity burns bright in those who seek truth. Do not fear contact, but make a truthful assessment about why desire for exaggerated, extreme joy is compelling. Balanced joy is available everywhere--within and without. Often, facing the witching hour that we fear--deconstructs our personal mythologies. Clearly perceive. All things change.

[Ironmanrises]

Houseofswans,

Thank you.

I like my thoughts laid out in order... .

Almost as if I was drawing... .

We all contribute on here... .

Even if you don't post... .

The fact that you read these words... .

And that simple act alone... .

Helps me... .

And you.

Conundrum,

That is a well thought out response.

Very well thought out.

I can see what you are describing.

However... .

I fear the contact... .

Because I have proven susceptible... .

To it once before.

Not because I am desiring it.

I know very well what contact from her entails... .

Yes... .

Initial joy... .

Which has an expiration date... .

Called the day of trigger... .

And then... .

The other side emerges... .

The bringer of pain.

All of that combined... .

Is what I fear.

Presented before me via contact... .

Leaves me vulnerable to it.

Far too vulnerable.

I cannot tolerate contact from her any longer.

In any form.

I am not healed.

In my current condition... .

I cannot guarantee that I would keep her outside my wall of NC.

I know she is poisonous for me.

I went through this twice.

Clearly... .

I am no match for her manipulation.

I fear this.

I fear my inability to protect myself too.

I failed myself in that regards... .

By allowing her back in that second time.

[Clearmind]

I cannot be naive about this not happening because it has happened before... .

Ironman, instead of being fearful over what could happen maybe start to work on the coping skills you will need if it does.

[Ironmanrises]

Clearmind,

Makes sense.

My wholly deficient boundaries... .

And the simple word of "no"... .

To my ex.

[Clearmind]

Yep!   thats the practical stuff.

For the emotional draw: they will and do pull on your "nice guy" heart strings and we feel obligated to respond, reengage! In my opinion we do this because we were accustomed to looking after everyone's needs but our own, because we must always be available for people who need us, it lessens the personal guilt if we respond (in the short term), lessens the uncomfortable feelings that come along with that and by responding and being available provides us with value.

We are of value and are good enough just the way we are - you don't need to rescue a Borderline to provide you with worth! Find worth with who you are not what you "do" for others.

[SeekerofTruth]

Very Powerful.  I could not agree more with the last paragraph.  Definitely worth going for!

I have to say: wake up! pwBPD want AND fear intimacy, that's because their thought processes are disordered and their behaviors are thus dysfunctional. You cannot be close to them, you cannot be distant, but you can be their punching bag! 

They say insanity is doing the same thing over and over yet expecting a different result. That's what pwBPD do, the same crap over and over. Just because they're insane doesn't mean we have to be.

If you feel inexorably drawn to her for a recycle, then you are needy in some unhealthy way. What does she give you that you don't otherwise have in your life? There is no shame in examining yourself and finding that you are lacking in some particular area. In fact, that is a great step in self discovery and growth!