depressed due to MwBPD

[Our abuse recovery guide]

So I set up no contact with my Mom, but then she tried to violate that boundary over and over again. I have LC with my Dad, but I caught her *using my Dad's e-mail* and pretending to be my Dad to try to rip me a new one. (indirect mind you)  

Which means she's run over my Dad's boundaries, which makes me all kinds of sad. It's as if he's dead.

I'm in a financial bind, so I can't go no contact, but she's totally violated both our boundaries.

I'm really, really sad right now. My therapist said I have a tough decision, which pretty much means I have to get my financial ducks in a row and fast and cut off contact or I have to put up with future boundary violations.

I'm really not OK with either. My Dad was the only one of the two parents that ever gave me nurturing... .and though codependent, I could at least engage him once in a while. I haven't been able to do that lately, but I'm sad over it, a whole bunch.

It feels like I'm losing a parent while he's still alive, and I have no idea what to do. So confused... .

[DesertChild]

So I set up no contact with my Mom, but then she tried to violate that boundary over and over again. I have LC with my Dad, but I caught her *using my Dad's e-mail* and pretending to be my Dad to try to rip me a new one. (indirect mind you)  

Which means she's run over my Dad's boundaries, which makes me all kinds of sad. It's as if he's dead.

I'm in a financial bind, so I can't go no contact, but she's totally violated both our boundaries.

I'm really, really sad right now. My therapist said I have a tough decision, which pretty much means I have to get my financial ducks in a row and fast and cut off contact or I have to put up with future boundary violations.

I'm really not OK with either. My Dad was the only one of the two parents that ever gave me nurturing... .and though codependent, I could at least engage him once in a while. I haven't been able to do that lately, but I'm sad over it, a whole bunch.

It feels like I'm losing a parent while he's still alive, and I have no idea what to do. So confused... .

[Sasha026]

Right now, there is probably nothing you can do since you cannot move out. Living with a BPD can be unnerving.

What I used to do is keep out of the house as much as possible. It's the only way to avoid constant harassment and aggravation. These BPDs are sneaky, they will use anything to get to you, so expect your boundaries to be stepped on. I'm sorry about your relationship with your father. Why did that disintegrate? Did she get to him?

Try to get your financial ducks in a row and get out of there as quickly as you can.

[DesertChild]

I don't live with them. LC with my Dad means e-mail only. I caught her using his e-mail and posing as him.

When I gave up codependency cold turkey, my Dad was mad at me because I used to be the scape goat. When I put up boundaries, he was left with her full force again.

She got to him and ran him over like a freight train, I'm guessing. I'm not quite sure there is anything left of him, especially if he allowed her to use his e-mail. With the last barrier against her crazy behavior gone, he's the last control point she has. But I know he's not good at it since I saw his sense of self get eaten as I was growing up.

But I used to be able to engage him behind her back and now I'm not so sure. The boundary violation is pretty deep if she's gone this far (She's not gone this far before). Not sure what to do. I can't change her and if she has gone this far (which I strongly feel like she has) she's sunk even lower than before... .which means staying away from her was the smart move.

I had huge red flags going up in the air that it wasn't him. I'm not sure if I want to barf or cry.

[Sasha026]

I'm so sorry. Unfortunately this is a common story - they will sink to any depths to get their way. I didn't know if you were living with them or not, I just assumed that you were.

Just remember DesertChild, what she says to you is heinous garbage. I know how you're feeling because when my mother used to get into my ear, it almost destroyed me. When they do this, we see ourselves through their sick eyes. It takes a long time and a lot of therapy to see that what they see is sick and crazymaking. Always remember that what comes out of their mouths are lies mixed with the truth to make us feel unworthy of love. Actually, I think they're just talking to themselves! They are full of hate.

Your dad lives with her. If he has lost his will, then he's lost to you and there's just not a lot you can do... .it's his decision. Do you have any friends you can talk to? A SO? Someone who knows you and understands you? Try to stay close to them and the people here who understand.

What you can do is open his e-mails and read the first line, if it's her - delete. If she continues to harass you, then send his e-mail to spam and delete. You don't need this - not one bit. You are an adult and she needs to see this. Your life is your business and none of hers.

And, don't let her get you sick. She's not sick - she's probably fine! My mother used to get me so sick, I was curled up in a ball with stomach pains. I had ulcers and diverticulitis - sick as a dog. This is what she did to me. Don't let your mother do that to you... .it's not worth it. Start developing a thick emotional callous. I used to make a joke of my mother's antics - it helped to negate the nasty venom. Not only that, but then she would have to change tactics and that took time for her to develop a new strategy. Sounds crazy, but that's how I dealt with it.

Hugs,

Sasha

[DesertChild]

Thank you.

It's unpleasant to have to make this decision, but I need to get my crap together anyway and I figure this is a good time to do that. I'm talking to my T about it. I need a better line of attack on the personal end so I can cut them loose. I'm still sad and very, very frustrated over the whole thing. But there are things I can't control in this world and this is one of them.

Still sad to see my Dad die in front of me, though. Even sadder still to see my Mom try to imitate a ghost of her mother.