Doubting Myself.

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hey Family,

I just spoke with Police and they are on their way to arresting my BPDex for harassment. My ex was already arrested and charged with domestic assault for physically assaulting me.

I have a five year restraining order against my ex and our relationship has been over for 2 and a half years. During the last two years I've been getting hang up calls, blocked calls and calls from third parties. The final straw was a few harassing texts I received for my birthday that really unnerved me. He called me a dummy and an idiot. We live across the street from each other so I see him ALL the time(he's a jobless loafer) and it's been really hard for me because moving in NYC is a nightmare.

I have healed a lot during this time but I'm feeling so guilty about involving the authorities but it's the only thing I can do to feel safe without engaging in a tit for tat with this psychotic emotionally unstable man. In many ways I still feel like I'm apologizing for existing.

Why am I still feeling guilty?

Spell

[bpdspell]

Hey Family,

I just spoke with Police and they are on their way to arresting my BPDex for harassment. My ex was already arrested and charged with domestic assault for physically assaulting me.

I have a five year restraining order against my ex and our relationship has been over for 2 and a half years. During the last two years I've been getting hang up calls, blocked calls and calls from third parties. The final straw was a few harassing texts I received for my birthday that really unnerved me. He called me a dummy and an idiot. We live across the street from each other so I see him ALL the time(he's a jobless loafer) and it's been really hard for me because moving in NYC is a nightmare.

I have healed a lot during this time but I'm feeling so guilty about involving the authorities but it's the only thing I can do to feel safe without engaging in a tit for tat with this psychotic emotionally unstable man. In many ways I still feel like I'm apologizing for existing.

Why am I still feeling guilty?

Spell

[marbleloser]

 You did the right thing spell 

It's your caring nature that makes you feel guilty. Sometimes,you have to care more about yourself and your own peace of mind and physical well being.You're not used to doing that probably. But, if you don't stand up for yourself,the harassment will continue.

Sorry you have to live right across from him! That blows!

[ts919]

Spell - I'm guessing it's just who you are; a caring person.  It's natural to feel guilty (at least that's what they tell ME on this forum!) - I do the same thing, just in a totally different situation. 

That's gotta be tough living right across the street from him and I can't imagine the logistics of moving in NYC!  Here's what I try to do with the guilt (sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't): I remind myself that the guilt is a byproduct of me being a normal, nice, caring, empathetic human being; I am the type of person who feels guilty hurting anyone or anything, regardless of what may have happened.  This, in and of itself, is not a bad thing - it just means I'm a normal freakin' human. 

He's obviously got a lot of time on his hands - how does he afford NYC being jobless?

Keep your head of Spell - you've dispensed tons of great advice on these forums and are greatly appreciated by all of us!

[Conundrum]

We all have the right to live free from harassment. With a mental illness such as BPD being a danger to one's self and others often manifests itself in more oblique ways compared to, for example schizophrenia. Perhaps that is part of the guilt, but if statutory criminal violations are occurring, availing yourself of the authorities is prudent. The restraining order is already in place. For it to have teeth it requires enforcement. Using a lawful tool to protect yourself is entirely proper.           

[Lucky Jim]

Hi Spell, So sorry to hear what you are going through with your BPD ex.  I can relate, though, because there is something about being on the receiving end of someone's abuse that erodes one's self-esteem and confidence, making one feel guilty for standing up for oneself, when in fact the opposite is true: you deserve to be free from harassment and stalking.  You showed good boundaries by calling the Police, which I admire.  So don't beat yourself up!  Lucky Jim

[Findingmysong723]

No one deserves to be harassed, so you did the right thing. You teach people how to treat you, and what you did is showed that you won't take his ___! I'm sorry to hear that he lives right across the street, I hope he loses his home and won't be your neighbor for long!

You are no dummy, you have had such insightful support and comments to people on this board! I appreciate all of it and it has made me feel less crazy and supported in the decision in slowly letting my ex boyfriend go! Thanks again!

[Learning_curve74]

Spell, you are a very caring, helpful, and thoughful person here on the forums! Thank you! 

I think the feeling is considered "ambivalent" when you have mixed feelings about something... .You know as well as anybody else here that guilt is to feel responsible for having done some wrong, whether or not that feeling is justified or not doesn't change the inbuilt emotional response that some of us have, which is what ts919 suggested above. But reporting your ex to the authorities is the only thing you can do to feel safe, and we believe you.

We get in trouble taking responsibility for somebody else's guilt: that's an easy way to become conflicted within ourselves.

Has the feeling passed for you now, Spell?

[eyvindr]

Oh no, no, no-no-no-no-no-o, Spell --

You absolutely did the right thing. As marbleloser (funny name!) and conundrum said, it's your RIGHT to live without being harassed. We need not remind ourselves how common it is for our dysregulated cousins to engage LE and the court system for fabricated charges to serve their own disease-driven agendas. When innocent people are being harassed or victimized by abusive people who for whatever reason feel above the law, they pretty much choose to taste their own medicine. Welcome to America. Good for you. 

And, as marble also said -- that blows that you have to live across the street from him! Ugh!

Hang in there. 

[GreenMango]

Hi spell

Sometimes the guilt creeps up on me too.  I'm not sure anyone feels great about letting the hammer of natural consequences fall on another person.

He doesn't know when to stop does he?  Bad attention is better than no attention.  Sheesh.

What did the cops say?

[SeekerofTruth]

Wow, that's tough living across the street and be on the rec'ing end of harrassment for 2 years post break-up.

I like what lucky jim shared:

I can relate, though, because there is something about being on the receiving end of someone's abuse that erodes one's self-esteem and confidence, making one feel guilty for standing up for oneself, when in fact the opposite is true: you deserve to be free from harassment and stalking.  You showed good boundaries by calling the Police, which I admire.  So don't beat yourself up! 

As to why you feel guilty?

Spell so many of your posts have enlightend me and been of benifit because of your clarity, resolve, and conviction.  So its awkward to hear you share you vulnerability and feelings of guilt.  Hmmm, more inner work to be done in terms of addressing this undeserved vulnerability that lingers inside of you for doing the appropriate, safe, and sane thing to do.  What's up with that, you are asking.  I dunno, what's up with that?  You need to do the work that you are being called upon to do... .you deserve to.  Perhaps in lieu of guilt, feeling "concerned" might depersonalize the vulnerable emotions you are dealing with.   But it is tough living in such close proximity.  It takes courage to care.  And even stronger courage to self-care.  Does the guilt serve you?  Maybe in the past it served a purpose, but now it is not warranted and time to free yourself from that shackle.  And do stay mindful and PROTECTIVE of your boundaries. 

Thanks again for all your great posts.  And for sharing your vulnerable side as a human being.  Appreciate it.

[bpdspell]

Thanks everyone for your heartfelt replies. I really needed the support.

The moment I posted I was feeling extremely vulnerable and alone.

The guilt I feel is a remnant from the childhood script that I'm working to reprogram. I hate hurting people even when they hurt me. I grew up with a self-sacrificing narrative and it still controls my beliefs at times.

I understand that my ex is mentally ill so that makes me feel compassion for him even though I understand that I have to protect my boundaries. It saddens me to have to go to such lengths to show him I mean business. There's still that teeny weeny part of me that wishes that things could be different. Sometimes I do have those moments where I can't believe I actually went through the craziness of a BPD dance. Even almost three years later its still mind boggling.

@Green Mango

I haven't heard from the cops but my neighbor says she saw him being arrested in front of our entire neighborhood. *Gah*

@Learning Curve

The guilt has washed over for the most part but I'm still sad about having to call the authorities. It's very triggering for me in terms of my healing but life goes on and I'm strong. My ex has seen me move on with my life and evolve while he has crashed through many empty flings. I have never recycled with my ex once I broke up with him and I know it hurts him more than anything that I walked away for good. Do I feel guilty about that? Yes. Because I had to give myself closure and that was painful, painful work for me. I desperately dreamed of closure coming from him in the form of an apology but I  had to let that dream go and accept his BPD. And acceptance is HARD, HARD, work.

Thank you all again for replying. There's comfort in those who understand the toughness of this healing journey,

Love and Light.

Spell

[Ironmanrises]

The traumatic experience of being with someone who has BPD.

That should answer your question.

Hang in there.

[SeekerofTruth]

Because I had to give myself closure and that was painful, painful work for me. I desperately dreamed of closure coming from him in the form of an apology but I  had to let that dream go and accept his BPD. 

Wow, did i ever need to hear that.  Thanks spell.  Amazing perspective, insight, and sharing.

The guilt I feel is a remnant from the childhood script that I'm working to reprogram. I hate hurting people even when they hurt me. I grew up with a self-sacrificing narrative and it still controls my beliefs at times.

wow.  well, good luck drawing upon empowered memories in recreating your adult program.  very awesome, the stuff you share.  simply illuminating.  I've got lots of work to do judging by your leads.

[eyvindr]

Spell --

Thanks everyone for your heartfelt replies. I really needed the support.

You get what you give, as they say. 

The guilt has washed over for the most part but I'm still sad about having to call the authorities. It's very triggering for me in terms of my healing but life goes on and I'm strong.

Such a powerful self-statement -- which is why you're such in inspiration to so many here.

My ex has seen me move on with my life and evolve while he has crashed through many empty flings. I have never recycled with my ex once I broke up with him and I know it hurts him more than anything that I walked away for good. Do I feel guilty about that? Yes.

I can relate. It has helped me to remember that, aside from our childhood scripts, guilt is part of the F.O.G.

In my mindfulness training, I asked one of my teachers this question: So much of this path is about staying, as opposed to leaving -- staying in the moment, staying with the pain, joy, sorrow, sadness, hardship, whatever -- it's all about accepting that what is simply is and is exactly as it should be. I was really struggling to understand how to reconcile my need to resolve the misery I was living as a result of my BPD r-ship with the teachings I am studying.

He said, very simply -- there's a Buddhist saying, which basically says you shouldn't bring anything to a point of pain. So, in true spiritual seeker style, I say, "what the hell does that mean? -- we're already in pain!" He explained -- if you can see that your choices, behaviors, etc., are moving you toward pain, you can change direction. In other words, no one is obligated to commit to unnecessary unhappiness.

It's a responsibility, and a choice, to be happy. Sounds like you've made it. 

[Lucky Jim]

if you can see that your choices, behaviors, etc., are moving you toward pain, you can change direction. In other words, no one is obligated to commit to unnecessary unhappiness.

That helps me, eyvindr!  Hope it helps you, too, Spell.  Moving towards pain became the norm in my marriage to a pwBPD and it took a tremendous effort to change directions, thankfully with a lot of help from supportive family and friends.  Yet the bottom line remains the same: we all deserve to be happy and need not continue on a path leading to more pain.

Lucky Jim

[bpdspell]

In my mindfulness training, I asked one of my teachers this question: So much of this path is about staying, as opposed to leaving -- staying in the moment, staying with the pain, joy, sorrow, sadness, hardship, whatever -- it's all about accepting that what is simply is and is exactly as it should be. I was really struggling to understand how to reconcile my need to resolve the misery I was living as a result of my BPD r-ship with the teachings I am studying.

It's a responsibility, and a choice, to be happy. Sounds like you've made it.  

eyvindr,

The spiritual component to the healing process has been EVERYTHING for me so I appreciate the thoughts you've shared from your Buddhists teachings. Staying in the now is such an invaluable tool in healing because the now is all we have. Simple concept but often times difficult to execute and practice because we're so addicted to living outside of ourselves.

Not only have I made the choice to be happy I am making the choice to LOVE myself and accept that I am made out of God's love. It sounds real woo woo and rose colored pollyanna but loving myself has been the key to releasing myself from my own self-created prison. I cried a deep cry today because I realized how much I've hated myself due to what I inherited from my parents: deep shame.

But God spoke to me and told me that I can release that burden now. That this inherited cycle of inner ugliness ends with me. I feel empowered.

@Lucky Jim

Thank you for your support. You are a really positive loving person and it shows through these boards.

@Seeker of Truth

Yes. Holding up a mirror of truth to yourself and keeping the mirror in your face takes tremendous courage. But being truthful about your mirror is not only for us; its for us to share this healing truth with others so that others can know that a life of pain is not the only option.

Spell

[myself]

Spell, as you know, so many of us never take the steps, make the changes, face ourselves for real until we HAVE TO. Some of us will keep trying to do the 'right thing' even as we're backed into a corner (by those who are supposedly in our corner and have our backs) while the house is burning down around us. Your growth has been an inspiration here! Whatever you had to do you HAD TO DO. That's making the right move. What's in your best interest? YOU ARE. There's no guilt in that. Deep breaths. Release. Love and Live.

[Learning_curve74]

The spiritual component to the healing process has been EVERYTHING for me so I appreciate the thoughts you've shared from your Buddhists teachings. Staying in the now is such an invaluable tool in healing because the now is all we have. Simple concept but often times difficult to execute and practice because we're so addicted to living outside of ourselves.

Not only have I made the choice to be happy I am making the choice to LOVE myself and accept that I am made out of God's love. It sounds real woo woo and rose colored pollyanna but loving myself has been the key to releasing myself from my own self-created prison. I cried a deep cry today because I realized how much I've hated myself due to what I inherited from my parents: deep shame.

But God spoke to me and told me that I can release that burden now. That this inherited cycle of inner ugliness ends with me. I feel empowered.

Thank you for sharing this. It is inspiring -- something many of us need when so many of us are feeling hopeless.