How do you cope?

[NeedingPeace]

I am wondering how others here cope with having a mother with BPD.

I am depressed and have trouble sleeping.  I have nightmares.  I am also really struggling at work.  This, after a fair bit of therapy, and antidepressants.

How do the rest of you cope?  Is it possible to be really happy?

[Clearmind]

NP, growing up in a BPD house as kids we are atune to "serving" our BPD parent and we are accustomed to not having needs.

To be happy in light of having a BPD parent is to take the focus of their behavior, not take it all personally, know when to remove yourself for time out if their behavior escalates (good boundaries) and start to look at where in our adult life we still hang onto childhood beleifs about ourselves and others.

[zone out]

Hi NeedingPeace

I can identify so much with virtually every word of your post.  I too have a BPD (in my case uBPD) mother and am on medication.  Still struggling to sleep and stay asleep and bringing work home with me as everything seems to take longer due to loss of concentration.  I notice you are using a picture of a dog - do you have one?, I have found walking a dog energetically, any dog even a neighbor's is very good.  Sometimes when things are bad with my mother the dog gets walked several times a day - the dog is fine with that!  Mother triggers the fear or flight response in me - exercise is one way to get the adrenaline etc out of the system.  In fact the dog is pacing about waiting for me but when I read your post I felt I was looking in a mirror and just had to reply.

When I joined this site it was such a comfort to see that so many people were sharing such similar experiences.  The articles and workshops are very good too.  I am very conscious that for many years I was virtually allowing my mother to control my 'wellbeing' with her moods.  Now I am learning to detach emotionally - looking at her and the situation more objectively.  That is not to say that she doesn't still scare the wits out of me with her rages but by looking at her more as a 'project' or an 'ill old lady' some of her 'power' to control my 'wellbeing/hapiness etc' is dissipated.

Keep reading and posting - let us know how things are going.

All best wishes to you

Zone out

[GeekyGirl]

Hi NeedingPeace,

I'm sorry that you're going through a rough time. It's very hard having a mother with BPD. 

There's no short or easy answer to how to cope. It's different for everyone, but for many of us, T can really help. Sometimes finding the right T can make a huge difference. Medication can help too, so it may be worth talking to your doctor about switching up your antidepressants.

You can be really happy. For me, there are moments of sadness and frustration, but there are many times of happiness as well. Even though my mother has BPD and my father is completely enmeshed, I have found friends, work and hobbies that do make me feel genuinely happy. It takes some work and putting yourself out there, but it's possible.

Clearmind is right--you have to look within yourself to find happiness. zone out has good points too--animals can be great companions, and there are some good workshops here to help you work on healing.

Keep us posted on how you're doing.

[survivor123]

I practice radical acceptance, as espoused in DBT therapy.  I just accept that my mother is who she is and will not change, cannot change.  This sounds like a bitter pill to swallow, but it's actually not.  Constantly hoping things would get better and change was exactly what was driving me to despair.  The constant bitter disappointment and frustration was especially toxic.  But radically accepting the situation and disease for what it is is what set me free.

I should add that my mother is the "Witch" and "Queen" subtype of a BPD mother, the two which are most difficult to treat and have the worst prognosis.  So it was a no-brainer to just let her go.  I do not love or like her, so not having to deal with her anymore has been a tremendous relief.  I have not seen her face to face since 1997 and have only spoken to her briefly on the phone twice since.  I do not feel guilty about this at all.  After all, only a self-loathing masochist would continue to caretake her at this point.  I have to take care of my own needs first and foremost.  I already spent my childhood and adolescence taking care of her, so I should hardly have to owe her anything now.  She is on her own.

Understand, I would probably not have this attitude and policy were she the "Hermit" or "Waif" type -- arguably much more likeable types of mothers.  In those cases, I would probably have mixed feelings about her and maybe would still be helping her or at least be worried about her.  You did not describe your parent, so I cannot give any more feedback than that.