Will Sending This Letter Be A Mistake?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi, I proposed this yesterday as an unsent letter. As a result of seeing her today and her totally ignoring me it has piqued me. I can't stand the shift from I love you to I hate you and will never acknowledge you again.

I have not had the opportunity to tell her anything about how I feel. I've been totally denied. Meanwhile she saunters on with impunity, so it seems.

If I send this will it backfire on me? Is it too much? Nasty?

I may not be balanced enough to assess:



XX,

Your emotional shut-down and devaluation of me to yourself, your family and friends is biased and serves to protect you and deny and abuse me and is the action of an emotional child.

I've thought long and hard as I've detached my emotions from you, whether or not to send this email as my feelings and respect for you, although contained, have not largely remained complimentary. However, your refusal or likely inability to tolerate any closure or to even be civil has compelled me to express my final thoughts.

In the aftermath of my time with you (I won't say 'time together' as I don't believe you were ever mature enough to actually be truly emotionally present) I have spent many hours pondering, "What was that all about?"

You see, to a reasonably emotionally healthy adult, capable of consistent loving, it is inconceivable that a woman, who declares her love for someone and acts as you did and says the things that you did, could simply stop loving someone and withdraw, overnight. In this respect I am, of course, unassailably correct.

I sensed, many times, that there was 'something not right' about you but could not understand what it was. Nothing I/we did ever cemented increasing intimacy and honesty from you, in the relationship. I could never know if you would be emotionally present or absent, one day to the next. I was too close, too emotionally involved to see clearly, or honestly walk away.

I have come to understand that I was trying to have a functional relationship with someone who is deeply dysfunctional. As my “love” you have shown you were nothing more than an incredibly damaged, self-obsessed, emotionally stunted, psychologically immature, entitled, manipulative, selfish, empathy-challenged, blame-shifting, unaccountable, abusive child in an adult body, who is incapable of love.

I know this because I have reflected upon and owned my part and begun moving, substantially, through the pain of growth and tried to understand my mistakes.

I do not blame you and I do not say your behaviour was conscious; not that knowing this will stop you seething and raging at me for saying all this. I imagine it is excruciating and almost unsurvivable for your false-ego. Thank heavens for your DENIAL! It is the reason you are able to survive the pain of living.

I feel sadness for you, as I see just how trapped and desperate you 'don't even know you are'. I don't believe you will ever have a truly loving and interdependent relationship, until and unless you have a great deal of specialist therapy and stop acting emotionally like a three-year-old.

You will not find it easy to change; not even in the unlikely event that you should want to. You are far more likely to continue through your push-pull, love-hate, idealise-devalue relationship-cycles with other, equally unconscious, abusive or otherwise dysfunctional partners. Why would you change when that's all you know how to do?

Beneath your fake exterior lie the fractured psychological remains of a three year old.

Your self-aggrandisement and frequent, controlling, emasculating statements did nothing to increase your appeal.

In terms of the friendship that is assumed in order for me to respond to you affirmatively, it just doesn't exist between us. I do not consider someone who treats others with such disrespect, lack of concern and dishonesty as anything even approaching a friend.

I recall, first hand, how easily you bhited about your 'friends' when they did the smallest of things that offended your fragile sense of being: Sophie's dress being too short and her constant acting out pained you, Lyndsay not visiting when she said she would and talking too much about herself constantly on the phone, not to mention her suggesting you 'had life easy' as you don't work. Then there was Lyndsay and Sophie going to the park with their children and socialising without you for a change. I could go on. Goodness!

Like everything else in your life they are there as objects; either all good or all bad to your child-mind, to make you feel better about yourself, to allow you to keep being a victim.

You may have fooled that needy, enmeshed group of enablers you use and call 'friends', but you do not fool me. You are a professional VICTIM and a liar, full of rage and disappointment, intent on blaming others, anyone but yourself, for your train-wreck of a life. Stop it! Start taking responsibility for yourself. Grow up! You are nearly 40 years old!

You are not responsible for what your parents did to you and what happened to you in your childhood. Your actions and attitudes and regular dissociative episodes, both when we were together at your house and away in the Cotswolds, are evidence that you have much pain from which you struggle to escape. You are however responsible for NOT inflicting the consequences of your pain onto others.

Whilst initially it felt exciting and intense, sex with you was a loveless, dissatisfying, mechanical act with an automaton, who uses her body to gain the validation she  desperately needs, like the oxygen of life, in a desperate bid to numb her pain and control her 'love object' in order to stave off excruciating fears of abandonment. It was like being a human vibrator, a rubbing post for a detached, desperate addict. Ghastly!

It is easy to see how you have twisted and distorted the accounts of your past relationships (including me now, no doubt) in order to set yourself up as the victim of the actions of others; from 'rape' through insults, to abortions and emotional and physical abuse. I don't say it's all untrue but I don't believe, for one moment, it happened as you say it did and I certainly don't believe, as your psychotic mind convinces you, that you are blameless. Seriously!

Have some self-respect and take responsibility for your actions. Like it or not, you are, have always been and always will be 50% of every interaction you have with another person. Not once do I recall you saying and meaning, "Sorry". Casting aside people, to rid yourself of pain, does nothing to make you well. It's akin to the 'Geographic Cure' with which your mother will be familiar. As they say in Alcoholics Anonymous, "Wherever you go, there you are."

You will no doubt have noticed that I have called you XX. That is because I now can't help but see 'XX' as the ultimate, infantilising corruption of anything vaguely adult about you.

Your children need an example that is truly strong and independence-giving, not a weak, dependent and pathologically, emotionally needy victim.

'Little XX'... .You need to grow up.

[Aletheia]

Hi, I proposed this yesterday as an unsent letter. As a result of seeing her today and her totally ignoring me it has piqued me. I can't stand the shift from I love you to I hate you and will never acknowledge you again.

I have not had the opportunity to tell her anything about how I feel. I've been totally denied. Meanwhile she saunters on with impunity, so it seems.

If I send this will it backfire on me? Is it too much? Nasty?

I may not be balanced enough to assess:



XX,

Your emotional shut-down and devaluation of me to yourself, your family and friends is biased and serves to protect you and deny and abuse me and is the action of an emotional child.

I've thought long and hard as I've detached my emotions from you, whether or not to send this email as my feelings and respect for you, although contained, have not largely remained complimentary. However, your refusal or likely inability to tolerate any closure or to even be civil has compelled me to express my final thoughts.

In the aftermath of my time with you (I won't say 'time together' as I don't believe you were ever mature enough to actually be truly emotionally present) I have spent many hours pondering, "What was that all about?"

You see, to a reasonably emotionally healthy adult, capable of consistent loving, it is inconceivable that a woman, who declares her love for someone and acts as you did and says the things that you did, could simply stop loving someone and withdraw, overnight. In this respect I am, of course, unassailably correct.

I sensed, many times, that there was 'something not right' about you but could not understand what it was. Nothing I/we did ever cemented increasing intimacy and honesty from you, in the relationship. I could never know if you would be emotionally present or absent, one day to the next. I was too close, too emotionally involved to see clearly, or honestly walk away.

I have come to understand that I was trying to have a functional relationship with someone who is deeply dysfunctional. As my “love” you have shown you were nothing more than an incredibly damaged, self-obsessed, emotionally stunted, psychologically immature, entitled, manipulative, selfish, empathy-challenged, blame-shifting, unaccountable, abusive child in an adult body, who is incapable of love.

I know this because I have reflected upon and owned my part and begun moving, substantially, through the pain of growth and tried to understand my mistakes.

I do not blame you and I do not say your behaviour was conscious; not that knowing this will stop you seething and raging at me for saying all this. I imagine it is excruciating and almost unsurvivable for your false-ego. Thank heavens for your DENIAL! It is the reason you are able to survive the pain of living.

I feel sadness for you, as I see just how trapped and desperate you 'don't even know you are'. I don't believe you will ever have a truly loving and interdependent relationship, until and unless you have a great deal of specialist therapy and stop acting emotionally like a three-year-old.

You will not find it easy to change; not even in the unlikely event that you should want to. You are far more likely to continue through your push-pull, love-hate, idealise-devalue relationship-cycles with other, equally unconscious, abusive or otherwise dysfunctional partners. Why would you change when that's all you know how to do?

Beneath your fake exterior lie the fractured psychological remains of a three year old.

Your self-aggrandisement and frequent, controlling, emasculating statements did nothing to increase your appeal.

In terms of the friendship that is assumed in order for me to respond to you affirmatively, it just doesn't exist between us. I do not consider someone who treats others with such disrespect, lack of concern and dishonesty as anything even approaching a friend.

I recall, first hand, how easily you bhited about your 'friends' when they did the smallest of things that offended your fragile sense of being: Sophie's dress being too short and her constant acting out pained you, Lyndsay not visiting when she said she would and talking too much about herself constantly on the phone, not to mention her suggesting you 'had life easy' as you don't work. Then there was Lyndsay and Sophie going to the park with their children and socialising without you for a change. I could go on. Goodness!

Like everything else in your life they are there as objects; either all good or all bad to your child-mind, to make you feel better about yourself, to allow you to keep being a victim.

You may have fooled that needy, enmeshed group of enablers you use and call 'friends', but you do not fool me. You are a professional VICTIM and a liar, full of rage and disappointment, intent on blaming others, anyone but yourself, for your train-wreck of a life. Stop it! Start taking responsibility for yourself. Grow up! You are nearly 40 years old!

You are not responsible for what your parents did to you and what happened to you in your childhood. Your actions and attitudes and regular dissociative episodes, both when we were together at your house and away in the Cotswolds, are evidence that you have much pain from which you struggle to escape. You are however responsible for NOT inflicting the consequences of your pain onto others.

Whilst initially it felt exciting and intense, sex with you was a loveless, dissatisfying, mechanical act with an automaton, who uses her body to gain the validation she  desperately needs, like the oxygen of life, in a desperate bid to numb her pain and control her 'love object' in order to stave off excruciating fears of abandonment. It was like being a human vibrator, a rubbing post for a detached, desperate addict. Ghastly!

It is easy to see how you have twisted and distorted the accounts of your past relationships (including me now, no doubt) in order to set yourself up as the victim of the actions of others; from 'rape' through insults, to abortions and emotional and physical abuse. I don't say it's all untrue but I don't believe, for one moment, it happened as you say it did and I certainly don't believe, as your psychotic mind convinces you, that you are blameless. Seriously!

Have some self-respect and take responsibility for your actions. Like it or not, you are, have always been and always will be 50% of every interaction you have with another person. Not once do I recall you saying and meaning, "Sorry". Casting aside people, to rid yourself of pain, does nothing to make you well. It's akin to the 'Geographic Cure' with which your mother will be familiar. As they say in Alcoholics Anonymous, "Wherever you go, there you are."

You will no doubt have noticed that I have called you XX. That is because I now can't help but see 'XX' as the ultimate, infantilising corruption of anything vaguely adult about you.

Your children need an example that is truly strong and independence-giving, not a weak, dependent and pathologically, emotionally needy victim.

'Little XX'... .You need to grow up.

[strikeforce]

IMO the letter will do little if anything.

The best thing to do is show her you are moving on with your life, she'll be running back in no time.

Meanwhile she saunters on with impunity, so it seems.

It may seem that way but that's just for show, for her survival.

[numb_buddha]

I would advise against sending this. BPD individuals can be incredibly vindictive, and will ally themselves with powerful individuals (often their latest puppet) to help in their campaign to smear a person. Rather than give them this, have you considered leaving?

[Cardinals in Flight]

Hi! First let me say that I TOTALLY relate to how you are feeling!  Been there, done that, have the t-shirt

While it was great to get your thoughts and feelings down, IMO, it will harm you more than be of any good to your BPDX.  Why?  PwBPD are emotional children, imagine how a 5 year old would read that.

Write it out on paper, tear it up and let it fly off a bridge, start a fire and watch it burn, but don't lower yourself and give this the opportunity to eventually make you feel worse about yourself in the long run.  We need to think more of ourselves, take the focus off the one abusing us.

Do something really nice for YOU, take back your life, and feel the good of things going on outside your X-relationship.

Good luck, most of all, peace to you!  I truly do know how much this sucks and how gutted you feel.

CiF

[Aletheia]

Thanks everyone

She has a waif-style persona, which is why I am so taken aback by her harsh and demeaning behaviour. In the relationship she was passive and vulnerable and submissive and passive-aggressive. This is why I'm so taken aback by her aggressively distancing stance now. As if I was abusive and nasty to her. I never was.

My concern is that she will turn the letter against me and misquote it to all her friends etc or find some way of hurting me with it.

I guess a 5 year old would kick and scream and deny and feel

hurt and lash out... .?

[asher2]

Aletheia... .I would not send the letter. Reading through it, I can tell you understand why she acts the way she does. However, she will not see it that way. She will see it as attacking. To be honest, even someone without BPD would probably read that letter and feel attacked (even if it's deserved). When I first read this thread and your letter, I jumped ahead to your last line you wrote. Again, although it may be deserved, it won't do you any good right now to send it and have her read it.

I've written a couple of unsent letters myself. It helps a lot. It helps to get anger and hurt out. I suggest if you need to, continue to do this as time goes on. It is a healthy thing to do. I loved what Cardinals In Flight wrote about burning the letter after you've written it. My ex wrote me a letter after we broke up telling me how much she loved me, cared for me and still wanted to be with me. I felt the entire thing was full of lies, so I burned it. Do you know how good that felt? Doing that was a step for me moving forward.

I understand your hurt and anger, but sending the letter will not do any good at all. Continue to find ways to let your emotions out, but do not push them on her. Lashing out at her will only make your situation worse and delay your healing.

[numb_buddha]

Good points by asher.

Let's think pragmatically: When has rationality EVER worked in our relationship to a person with BPD? 

[Aletheia]

You all seem much wiser than me right now... .

Thank you.

What will her likely reaction be?

I imagine her reeling inside quietly reading it on her phone, several times and my opinions hurting her... .Beyond that I just don't know what really, technically, emotionally goes on in her head.

[Ironmanrises]

Aletheia... .

I am sorry you experienced that.

Change around some of the words... .

And what you wrote... .

Is what happened to me... .

And undoubtably... .

Everyone else here.

1 of 2 things will happen if you send that letter... .

Either she will ignore it... .

Meaning you are still painted black... .

Or... .

She will use it for a very possible... .

Attempt later on... .

To re engage you... .

And that letter... .

Will be her bait for that... .

And how will she do that... .?

She will say... .

"You hurt me writing that letter... ."

To get sympathy from you... .

And that may very well... .

Cause you to open that gate of NC just enough... .

For her to come flooding back in.

Do not send it.

She will not process it the way a non disordered person would.

I know it hurts.

I felt your pain reading it.

The hurt they inflict on us... .

Is beyond words.

I am 84 days of NC... .

And although i am healing... .

It still hurts.

You are not alone.

If you want... .

Find a secluded spot that you will not remember how to get there again... .

And bury that letter in the ground.

I am thinking of doing that with the ipad mini my ex gave me... .

So i can have a cleansing of some sorts.

Hang in there.

[Aussie0zborn]

I read the first paragraph only and your letter reminded me of my own pathetic farewell email. I didn't read the rest because just the first paragraph is way too logical (as ofcourse it should be) and I imagine logic runs through your whole letter as it did in mine.

Get this : they don't understand logic. It's like speaking a foreign language to them. And it's never about you, it's always about them. Try to think back to one of those times you said your needs we not being met. Did your pwBPD understand?

I didn't write a farewell email the second and final time around because I know the futility of it but if I did my opening paragraph would be the same as yours. And I'm so glad I didn't given the way things have turned out.

You've written it and that's often more than half the healing process. Mission accomplished. Sending it achieves nothing for your benefit and your mission fails. Do as others have suggested and burn it. You can always come back here if you want to read it again. 

[Ironmanrises]

I read the first paragraph only and your letter reminded me of my own pathetic farewell email. I didn't read the rest because just the first paragraph is way too logical (as ofcourse it should be) and I imagine logic runs through your whole letter as it did in mine.

Get this : they don't understand logic. It's like speaking a foreign language to them. And it's never about you, it's always about them. Try to think back to one of those times you said your needs we not being met. Did your pwBPD understand?

I didn't write a farewell email the second and final time around because I know the futility of it but if I did my opening paragraph would be the same as yours. And I'm so glad I didn't given the way things have turned out.

You've written it and that's often more than half the healing process. Mission accomplished. Sending it achieves nothing for your benefit and your mission fails. Do as others have suggested and burn it. You can always come back here if you want to read it again. 

In bold/underlined.



Bingo.

That is the vast chasm... .

That exists between us... .

And them.

[Aletheia]

Thank you. Thank you all.

God it hurts. I know it's true that he was not there when I had a need as I see what is wing said.

It's crazy that they won't respond/can't respond as we would. They seem invulnerable, at least in this stage of the cycle.

I think I shall bury the letter somewhere. That is wonderfully symbolic.

[houseofswans]

And it's never about you, it's always about them. Try to think back to one of those times you said your needs we not being met. Did your pwBPD understand?

Amen to that!

[SeekerofTruth]

Really struggling reading all this appropriate feedback.

I went ahead and sent my emails along with my confrontations that she get treatment or an evaluation or indeed marriage is broken.  

I realize now it lead to 4 more weeks of back and forth game playing with a self-absorbed individual and was a vast energy draining waste of time.  Finally, after sending her a fiery email then blocking her on email and no phone contact, she went as far as to tweet me a video on getting treatment for BPD.  Well, at least she looked into it while my false hopes got raised and plunged.  I should have known better.

Now it's turning out, she's not ready or seeing the need for treatment.  She's working her 12-step program   and is "blooming".  As i reread the recent email exchanges, its all about her... .and so much of what's contained in this thread is just par for the course

 I know it's true that he was not there when I had a need

 That is the vast chasm... .

That exists between us... .

And them.

 Get this : they don't understand logic. It's like speaking a foreign language to them. And it's never about you, it's always about them. Try to think back to one of those times you said your needs we not being met. Did your pwBPD understand?  

But they appear so high functioning otherwise.

Sending it achieves nothing for your benefit and your mission fails.

BPD individuals can be incredibly vindictive, and will ally themselves with powerful individuals (often their latest puppet) to help in their campaign to smear a person. Rather than give them this, have you considered leaving?

Yes, after sending my last email which i am composing (one small moral victory--- at least--- temporarilly, I will be the one to have gotten in the last word in via email).  I know its a jab, maybe even a stinger... .and not the "hgh road".  I don't care. I don't have the courage to care.  Nor do i seek to be balanced right now.  No, i need to purge a bit... .recover... .then refocus on my new life and pick up the pieces of any false expectations.  Sorry to be contraian.  Aletheia, this might not come as a surprise, but probably 80% of your letter I could just cut and copy and put it in my farewell, actually contemplated it.  LOL - yuck.  Well, actually mine is not a farewell, it's an FU and THAT is right where i need to be.  Obviously not doing too hot and getting in a pizzing match with a skunk.  Sorry to the rest of the group in bringing down the quality and maturity of this thread.  Man have i regressed.

 God it hurts... .

It's crazy

 crazy-making in how we (I) create our own suffering.

Congrats Aletheia, you are a more disciplined and self-controlled individual.

I guess getting the last word in via email, then blocking her, as gamey and childish as it sounds, is symbolic.  Let the healing begin later for me.

[Escaped 30.Sept.2013]

My last contact to my ex was a letter very very similar to yours. A little shorter, but very similar - you've shown me no respect, you've made it clear you are now with someone else but have lied to me over three months about it, you do not love me, you love yourself and your fake Facebook-persona, you revel in your arrogance, get your act together before you do this to someone more vulnerable than me who kills herself... .and that there would be no contact from me ever again. Goodbye.

It got me multiple messages over the following six hours, an email an hour later, then a series of texts later on til I turned my phone off and got the others in the morning... .he hates me, I've made an enemy of him, how dare I, and over and over again he kept ordering me never to contact him ever again - which is what I said in the first place!

Overnight he changed his FB to say "in a relationship" which he never did in 15 months with me, despite wanting to marry me, have children with me, etc... .he hasn't said with whom, and she hasn't changed her status so I think it was just aimed at me as another way to try to hurt me. I've blocked them both now so I can't see anyway


So... .sending my email made me feel better. But it achieved nothing at all except to anger him and make him paint me black. That's probably a good thing as it reduces the chances of him trying to re-establish contact for a longer time, so that when he does, I'll be still further away from it all and it will be even less relevant to me.

Just my experience. I would say: think very carefully before you send anything. I think, in my experience, No Contact is just the very best thing, completely and utterly, along with blocking all possible means of contact from your ex, and finding ways to prevent yourself obsessively checking/ stalking to try to work out how your ex is and what they're thinking.

[saw_tooth]

Totally understand how you feel;I wrote 4 such emails to my ex-BPD guy (content almost same as yours) but din't send them across after my anger subsided and I realized that he is incapable of rationally comprehending what I am saying or feeling empathy/remorse to the extent a non would.Accepting this took time and work.

Don't send it because she won't be able to comprehend why you are angry or apologize/show consideration for your hurt feelings.She might paint you blacker than charcoal though and use it against you at a later date.

Don't give her ammunition to use against you by sending it.

Vent all you want here or with friends/family.

Take care,good luck.

[DragoN]

Alethia.

Excellent letter, have sent similar with a little less zing to them. Results? Empty promises. Essentially absolutely nothing.

Don't send it because she won't be able to comprehend why you are angry or apologize/show consideration for your hurt feelings.She might paint you blacker than charcoal though and use it against you at a later date.

Don't give her ammunition to use against you by sending it.

It will only be spun back on you. Most anything that I stated with regards to my feelings on any topic, subject or need was twisted back and warped. An exercise in frustration and futility.

Write all the letters you feel will help to get the frustration out of your system, and don't send them. When you are feeling soft later on, missing her, read them. Rose colored glasses of time can be blinding when the heart is aching.  Those unsent letters will remind you of the reality of the relationship the vast majority of the time.

[slimmiller]

I have wrote that same letter hundreds of times in my head. I should write it down to 'purge' it. I read two paragraphs and already knew that its futile. I gaurentee she will read a few lines if you sent it and then go into a rage/self preservation mode and in order to accomplish that with her meager ability to deal with emotional maturity, she will just paint you black. Done. Simple as that. Why because her capacity as a human being do not allow her to process that letter the way we do. She is sick.

It does not allow her the right to hurt you. If you are like me, you didnt sign up to be an ill persons mind eff punching bag. Thats exactly what we become when we engage dirty by spilling our guts. It futile.

I have completely stopped having even any sort of chummy convo with my exBPD (we have kids together so i almost have to have some interacttions with her )  We talk children logistics and nothing else. I realize that there is nothing in her psyche that I will ever see given to me other then pain. If she is nice its because she is setting me up to hurt me.


Conversation is futile. Consider yourself lucky that she is now someone elses problem

Write your thoughts down, keep it to reflect and then throw it away.

I journal and looking back its amazing how far I have come already

[Aletheia]

I have found so much honesty and support here and I always gain clarity.

We are all in such similar places.

It's slightly off topic but relevant in that it helps understand BPD more; I found this link's perspective very useful.

www.borderlinepersonalitytoday.com/main/anon.htm

[Jbt857]

Thanks everyone

She has a waif-style persona, which is why I am so taken aback by her harsh and demeaning behaviour. In the relationship she was passive and vulnerable and submissive and passive-aggressive. This is why I'm so taken aback by her aggressively distancing stance now. As if I was abusive and nasty to her. I never was.

My concern is that she will turn the letter against me and misquote it to all her friends etc or find some way of hurting me with it.

I guess a 5 year old would kick and scream and deny and feel

hurt and lash out... .?

To be honest, it came across to me as quite condescending and sanctimonious.

She may quite likely dismiss it without even properly reading it.

But even if it wasn't - I'd still say don't send it. It won't change anything. It won't do any good.

I know we are full of things we want to say and have a need for some acknowledgement, but you only have to read the board here to see that the only ppl who do get that are victims of a recycle attempt.

Sorry if that comes across as harsh - just my opinion.

[Aletheia]

I respect got opinion.

I think the important things are:

The purpose of the letter was:

1) For ME to reclaim some emotional ground.

2) To represent honestly what I experienced.

3) To tell HER.

For once it was all about ME!

[Aletheia]

got=your!

[Clearmind]

Don't give her ammunition to use against you by sending it.

This is the short of it. Borderline project. Whatever you say about her she will project back - sending a letter like this will also then become invalidating for you!

Shoot yourself in the foot!

We are in pain, I know it hurts - I have been there - we also need to be mindful that we need to process the loss ourselves without involving them. Especially if there is no going back. We don't exact revenge - we are bigger than that.

BTW, I edited out your partners name - we try to keep it anonymous

[Jbt857]

I respect got opinion.

I think the important things are:

The purpose of the letter was:

1) For ME to reclaim some emotional ground.

2) To represent honestly what I experienced.

3) To tell HER.

For once it was all about ME!

Yeah - I totally hear you!

Hope I didn't cause any offence, but if someone that I had been emotionally involved with wrote a letter to me in that tone, I'd probably disregard it. The possibility that she may too is what I wanted to convey.

It's not that your points aren't valid or your logic isn't well considered. They are. And were I to write a letter, I'm not sure it wouldn't sound dissimilar to yours.

But I stand with the others in advocating that no good would come of you sending it!

[Aletheia]

I'm not offended at all. I'm educated by coming here.

Tomorrow I am going to bury the letter and that will take me full circle, as always seems to happen and as ClearMind says, back to looking at me.

I shall  continue to sit through my pain and come here for help and support and to give help and support.

Clarity and calm is somewhere in my head. It's definitely not going to be found inside hers!

[Learning_curve74]

Smart move Aletheia. You can't predict what a pwBPD will do, but many people sending letters have had this backfire and even been slapped with restraining orders against them. Hang in there. 

[numb_buddha]

I respect got opinion.

I think the important things are:

The purpose of the letter was:

1) For ME to reclaim some emotional ground.

2) To represent honestly what I experienced.

3) To tell HER.

For once it was all about ME!

Yeah - I totally hear you!

Hope I didn't cause any offence, but if someone that I had been emotionally involved with wrote a letter to me in that tone, I'd probably disregard it. The possibility that she may too is what I wanted to convey.

It's not that your points aren't valid or your logic isn't well considered. They are. And were I to write a letter, I'm not sure it wouldn't sound dissimilar to yours.

But I stand with the others in advocating that no good would come of you sending it!

I'll just add to what jbt here said, as well. This fantasy we have of finally breaking through, of finally making sense to them, of finally being heard, is precisely one of the reasons we continued taking them back (or coming back). We believed that our case was so obvious that there is no possible way to deny it, and yet... .they always managed to deflect it or make us out to be selfish, immature or narcissistic for wanting a stable, healthy relationship.

You'd just hear, "It's always about you. What about my needs? You never consider them. Your ego is too huge. My life has been horrible the last few years. Even my friends wonder how I'm getting through it all. The only person who doesn't understand what I'm going through is you."

We might respond, saying, "I'm not perfect but I need to be able to express myself. That's healthy communication."

"And you can, but I have my doubts about you, too. You need to PROVE I can trust you! You need to prove you'll be a rock for me. I'm waiting. I want it to be you."

It's endless. This was the same cycle we'd repeat ad nauseum.

[Aletheia]

I can surely recognise the essence of many of those words!

[peas]

Here's the thing: You will look like a fool to her for sending that letter. She won't care and it will show that you are still thinking about her and the relationship.  

The best way to get back at pwBPD is to do nothing. Just keep on walking like you are over them the way they seem to get over us so easily. Grieve, rage and heal in private. Don't give her the privilege of knowing anything about you now.

The letter will just annoy her. It won't hurt her -- in her mind, you already caused her pain during the r/s.

[Jbt857]

I'm not offended at all. I'm educated by coming here.

Tomorrow I am going to bury the letter and that will take me full circle, as always seems to happen and as ClearMind says, back to looking at me.

I shall  continue to sit through my pain and come here for help and support and to give help and support.

Clarity and calm is somewhere in my head. It's definitely not going to be found inside hers!

It takes time. I wasted nearly a decade of my life trying to make my bhdexh understand the pain he caused and trying to convince him we needed help to fix our marriage.

Nothing worked. In the end it was something fairly trivial that made me call time on it. Six months after he left our home and me doing ok, loads of stuff came up for me. Right now, I'm doing okay in the day, but he's ruling my dreams. It's a process. But I can say since I've gone NC and accepted in my mind that it's utterly pointless, however much I'd like things to be different - they aren't - I feel better for not hearing from him and not getting caught up in his dramas.

Bury the letter and let yourself mourn. Feeling rotten sometimes unfortunately comes with it, but that you feel your emotions and recognise the problems (as evidenced by your very eloquent analysis) means you are capable of getting through this. Unfortunately it takes time. Which really bloody sucks.

Keep on with 'project you!'