I am a horrible person

[Knowingishalf]

I have come to the conclusion regarding my daughter and myself that I need to leave to protect her and find sanity for myself.  I have been struggling with this for ages now maybe 2 years, some time after her birth I realized that if I was going to be a single parent that perhaps I should be single?  Anyway the verbal abuse and everything that follows I tried to struggle through to protect my daughter.  Now it is apparent I can't keep going this way I am too stressed and I know I can't be the emotional caretaker my wife needs, I need a partner not a second child.  That all being said I am staged and ready to pull the trigger on my exit.  I have a lawyer and a plan, the lawyer is financed and will be with a parallel bankruptcy to clear and separate the marriage debts. 

This brings me to why I am a horrible person.  When I do pull this trigger, I am going to yank everything out from under her.  And not in a small sense either, it will be everything.  The house will be lost, all the house bills that I pay will now be on her, her car payment will be on her.  Everything I have been her caretaker for so long I feel some sort of obligation to keep her stable since with out me I can't see her sustain more than a month at any pace for even simple things as food.  I know I will owe spousal support which I am fine with I just don't think it will be enough and by the time she gets an order in place it will be really late.  I feel it is even more than this I take care of every single thing, I feel like I am sending a child out in the world with nothing.  I know this child is in her 30s but she doesn't know to take out the trash... .She can't fill out paper work, she is the most helpless person I know and while I am tried so so tired of being her crutch/parent I feel like I am the worst person in the world for caring about me and my daughter.

[numb_buddha]

This may be your greatest gift to her. BPD individuals have to face their own consequences, over and over and over. These are fertile times for them to seek out help and, honestly, the harder it is for them the better, in my opinion.

[AliveButBeatup]

 "... .I need a partner, not a second child... ."

As adults, we are looking for partners. Not adult children to take care of.  Our respect level for our spouses goes into the crapper and you have a dysfunctional relationship on your hands.  It sounds like you have your plan together. Good.  Execute it without feeling guilty. You have yourself and your daughter to worry about. Your wife had these problems before she met you. She was able to survive before she met you. She is an adult and will figure it out.

I am a few steps ahead if you in that I am moved out and have filed for legal separation.  At some point you say enough is enough. When we are adults, we need spouses who aren't 't "projects".  Focus on you and your potential.

My thoughts and prayers go out to you... .

ABB

[Aussie0zborn]

You sound levelheaded. Your daughter needs you. Just do it.

I trust you're just being funny when you call yourself a "horrible person". You might be seen that way by your BPDw but what does that matter when your sanity and your child's welfare are at risk?

[Knowingishalf]

I truly feel like a horrible person, I have taken care of everything and when I pull the trigger I leave her nothing at all to stand on.  She has burned so many bridges that I don't know if she has a path left to take.  When I leave I leave nothing, and unless she even has the wherewithal to consult legal help I don't know if she even has a clear path to gaining support from me.  I mean I will leave nothing no initial custody no house, no electric, no gas, water, sewer, no phone cable internet no way to maintain anything.  She will be standing in the rubble of what I leave, now don't get me wrong I leave with nothing except 8 things and my daughter.  But that is all I need to be happy.

[nevaeh]

This brings me to why I am a horrible person.  When I do pull this trigger, I am going to yank everything out from under her.  And not in a small sense either, it will be everything.  The house will be lost, all the house bills that I pay will now be on her, her car payment will be on her.  Everything I have been her caretaker for so long I feel some sort of obligation to keep her stable since with out me I can't see her sustain more than a month at any pace for even simple things as food.  I know I will owe spousal support which I am fine with I just don't think it will be enough and by the time she gets an order in place it will be really late.  I feel it is even more than this I take care of every single thing, I feel like I am sending a child out in the world with nothing.  I know this child is in her 30s but she doesn't know to take out the trash... .She can't fill out paper work, she is the most helpless person I know and while I am tried so so tired of being her crutch/parent I feel like I am the worst person in the world for caring about me and my daughter.

Completely understood.  This is where I am... .with the realization that when I leave I will be taking everything from my H.  H is very "protective" of his money and the fact that he will have to pay me child support and the fact that he will no longer have "control" over how I spend my money will drive him crazy.  H will lose the kids... .the kids that he blames everything on and lashes out against when they don't pick up their socks or put their dishes in the sink or when he has misplaced something and he blames it on them.  The kids he complains about being a nuisance and the kids he complains are lazy and unhelpful... .he will not like having those kids taken from him.  

I am so ready to leave, but I also realize that when I finally pull the trigger I will be bringing this whole $hit$storm upon me and life will get really complicated really fast. I am finding that it is really, really hard to WANT to bring that storm upon myself and my kids when things are "tolerable" right now.  I need to move past this.  I need to get a therapist, but H told me I couldn't get one when we were having "issues" a couple of months ago.  I know as soon as I get a therapist he is going to know that something is up.  I wish he would just walk away from us but I know that will not happen in a million years.  This is on me... .

I have been following your progress and I am really pulling for you and your daughter!  This is really hard stuff!

[Escaped 30.Sept.2013]

It looks very clear to me (then again, I'm looking from outside, not inside, of course.)

There are three people in a dangerous situation.

You can save a small child, or the other adult.


OK, make the situation a burning car about to explode, or grabbing from in front of a speeding truck, or some other movie-style disaster scenario.

You would leave the tiny helpless child, and rescue the other adult?


Of course you wouldn't - you would rescue whoever is not able to rescue herself.

The small child.

NOBODY can rescue everyone. But you can prevent everyone being unrescued.

So... .save the small helpless child from the inferno, or stand there til all three of you are consumed by the fire... .?


Like I say, I'm looking from the outside, I;m not you, and I'm not a parent... .so it's easy for me to say this.

Good luck and stay strong, for yourself as well because your child will need you to be a well-adjusted, healthy-minded, normal loving parent... .

[Knowingishalf]

NOBODY can rescue everyone. But you can prevent everyone being unrescued.

I think this is the clearest statement I have seen in a while, I think a lot of us here try so hard to do it all for far to long, that this mentality really sticks.

Thanks for some fresh perspective.

[myself]

She has burned so many bridges that I don't know if she has a path left to take. 

SHE burned those bridges, not you, and yes she does still have a path to take. Her Own.

You haven't been a horrible person trying to help the bridge between you remain intact. You're not being horrible by helping yourself and your child.

Please don't replace taking care of her every need with neglecting yours.

[AliveButBeatup]

She has burned so many bridges that I don't know if she has a path left to take.

SHE burned those bridges, not you, and yes she does still have a path to take. Her Own.

You haven't been a horrible person trying to help the bridge between you remain intact. You're not being horrible by helping yourself and your child.

Please don't replace taking care of her every need with neglecting yours.

Very well said.  I just left my T's office a couple of hours ago. I have some similar circumstances.  And I feel guilt. The message from my T is for me to take care of myself and to not have guilty feelings. I did lt create the other person. They created their circumstances.

ABB

[Knowingishalf]

I know but I still can't help be sad.  My daughter solved my problem for me tonight, out of the blue she told me "Mommy makes me sad" that coupled with my happiest night of my recent memory.  The wife wasn't home.  This just makes it much much easier.

[Fish]

I have come to the conclusion regarding my daughter and myself that I need to leave to protect her and find sanity for myself.  I have been struggling with this for ages now maybe 2 years, some time after her birth I realized that if I was going to be a single parent that perhaps I should be single?  Anyway the verbal abuse and everything that follows I tried to struggle through to protect my daughter.  Now it is apparent I can't keep going this way I am too stressed and I know I can't be the emotional caretaker my wife needs, I need a partner not a second child.  That all being said I am staged and ready to pull the trigger on my exit.  I have a lawyer and a plan, the lawyer is financed and will be with a parallel bankruptcy to clear and separate the marriage debts. 

This brings me to why I am a horrible person.  When I do pull this trigger, I am going to yank everything out from under her.  And not in a small sense either, it will be everything.  The house will be lost, all the house bills that I pay will now be on her, her car payment will be on her.  Everything I have been her caretaker for so long I feel some sort of obligation to keep her stable since with out me I can't see her sustain more than a month at any pace for even simple things as food.  I know I will owe spousal support which I am fine with I just don't think it will be enough and by the time she gets an order in place it will be really late.  I feel it is even more than this I take care of every single thing, I feel like I am sending a child out in the world with nothing.  I know this child is in her 30s but she doesn't know to take out the trash... .She can't fill out paper work, she is the most helpless person I know and while I am tried so so tired of being her crutch/parent I feel like I am the worst person in the world for caring about me and my daughter.

This is black and white thinking, my friend.

It is in your daughter's best interest that her mother does not go down the tubes. You can end the marriage and free yourself from the insanity. But at the same time, you cannot free your daughter from the reality that she needs both her parents. If you go forward with the divorce, you still can help your daughter by helping her mother through her mother's helplessness. How do I know? I have been doing it for over two years in my own situation.

You reproduced with yours. I reproduced with mine. There is no going back on that as far as the kid is concerned. Man up and don't let the lawyers and judge decide what your daughter's reality will be. You do it.

[Knowingishalf]

This is a vocalization of my internal struggle. I don't want anyone to get the impression this was a first second or even 3rd -100th choice.  This is the only choice left to make sure the one person I can actually save can be taken care of.  I am not taking my lawyers advice, I asked them how to proceed in my goals.  They provided the legal advice to do it right.  I am driving the boat here I am just internally torn I have given 10 years of my life trying to fix my wife with no help from her and it is only getting worse.  This is the last option the only one left.

[AliveButBeatup]

This is a vocalization of my internal struggle. I don't want anyone to get the impression this was a first second or even 3rd -100th choice.  This is the only choice left to make sure the one person I can actually save can be taken care of.  I am not taking my lawyers advice, I asked them how to proceed in my goals.  They provided the legal advice to do it right.  I am driving the boat here I am just internally torn I have given 10 years of my life trying to fix my wife with no help from her and it is only getting worse.  This is the last option the only one left.

If you read through the many posts on here, you will see that relationships with BPD significant others rarely end well.  As someone said on here, we aren't martyrs. We are regular old Joes.  Stop beating yourself up.  10 years is plenty of trying.  One of my personal sayings when it comes to my ex-spouse to be (we are going through a divorce) is that a zebra is a zebra. No matter how hard we try to get those stripes off to make it a horse, it will always be a zebra.

My prayers and good wishes are with you.

ABB

[ZigofZag]

Something I read on this site a while ago which I printed off and stuck to my toilet door said;

"There is a difference between giving up, and knowing when you have had enough"

Sounds like you have arrived my friend. Time to pull the pin/trigger,save yourself and the little one.

Walk and don't look back over your shoulder, carry no guilt, feel no shame, look forward to securing the future for your child. 10 years is enough.

Good luck