moms anger b-day gift

[lovespopcorns78]

Hi I am new here, my mom has BPD untreated, I am an adult child the BAD CHILD in her eyes , sent her a birthday gift, she attempted to call 3 times last night left angry message and tone, so I did pick up she proceeded to tell me how each gift I sent her was terriable,what was wrong with me for sending such things, I really thought she would enjoy them , not once did she say thanks for the thought she was so angry at me, My husband knew right away by the look on my face she was cutting me down as she always has, never good enough in her eyes, SO my question is should I just not send her gifts for holidays anymore? Then she will probably never talk to me again am I prepared for that or is this another way for her to control me, my husband tells me I am not vendictive person and not to let her dictate my behavior ANY IDEAS! I am trying not let this bother me but it does Thank you

[jdtm]

SO my question is should I just not send her gifts for holidays anymore?

Hmmm ... .I know what I would do.  However, there is a middle option - why not make a donation to her favourite charity (or yours if she does not have one) in her name.  The charity would think well of her, and she gets to deduct the amount from her income tax.  At least, the "gift" would be pleasing and of value to someone, if not your mother.  Just a suggestion ... .

[lovespopcorns78]

take a negative and turn it into a positive, what a great idea,  how could she feel bed about helping someone else, but knowing her she would be angry at me that she wasnt given something she is very selfish and expects to be center of attention BUT I on the other hand would feel great about your idea!  Thank you so much!

[Bonus mom]

Hi loves,

Oh dear, have I been in your shoes!  I am laughing, but not at your situation, just at how unbelievable it is that we could have moms who would be so very rude upon receiving gifts!

(Did you know that every beautiful plant or flower I ever gave my mom apparently could potentially kill her cats? Because that's what I've been told for years by her! Every time!) 

I like the idea of donating to a charity in their name, heaven knows that there's never been a gift that I have given her that she has appreciated.  I, too, would feel good knowing that I was helping out someone else.

[zone out]

Hi Lovespopcorn78

Welcome to the Healing board - there are many of us here who have gone through similar experiences, it really helps to check out all the resources.

Can I just ask do you have much contact with your mother and is does she make a habit of leaving you angry messages?  I know from my own experience with my mother how heated angry responses on the phone can just throw you.  It is best just to end the call if it is abusive.  If you are getting a number of frequent calls, you could ask your husband to screen them for you. 

With regard to the gifts - I certainly would not go beyond a gift voucher, but as suggested above the charity donation, perhaps to one of your mother's favorite charities sounds like just the thing.

Keep reading and posting - let us know how things are going. 

All good wishes to you

Zone out

[lovespopcorns78]

Thank you all for your support, while walking my dogs today I gave your ideas much thought and realized how grateful I am I have found this site, I am not alone    I will in fact change the gifts I have always sent so she cant  use it to degrade me, and instead give it to someone who really needs it, ... .I know she will be angry that I didnt get her anything ... .I will try it this christmas  in her eyes I am so imperfect, 2) Yes my mom leaves really terriable things on the phone message, I try to block most of her calls and limit myself to short conversations 1 time a week they are short and I really havent seen her in person for 1 1/2 years I just couldnt take the verbal abuse, she really knows how to break my heart , my father died when I was 9 so she is my only parent I guess part of me just wants to feel love from her mom      Thank you all so much 

[louise 716]

Lovespopcorn,

I do not have an UBPD mom, but my dil is and we most certainly have been down the gift path. Three years ago this Christmas, after Christmas, we got a very blunt (and hurtful) email from our son saying the gifts we gave him and UBPD were not thoughtful, etc etc. No problem, I'm thinking after I recover from the sting of the email. Cash only going forward until that doesn't work anymore. That worked for 2 years and then he was going to give us back the Christmas money we gave them, he wanted a piece of jewelry back his in laws gave me 6 years ago, etc. never got the money back ( didn't want it) and he never came for the jewelry.

This year for his birthday I donated to a charity I know he would support. He got a card (so the website said) saying a donation was made I his name, but no amount listed. Didn't do anything for his wife for her birthday because she had said months ago she is "done with us all". Of course once his bd rolled around and we texted him (not allowed to call), and she got nothing, we heard about that, so this Christmas it will be nothing.

[Krudula]

Hi lovepopcorn

Seems that a lot of PwBPD have trouble being graceful about receiving gifts. Some time ago I struggled with that fact and posted on this board to get feedback. My DIL went down that path too. Never was a present or gift the right thing, neither have we received thank-you's, we stopped too. I don't particularly feel like playing father christmas every year and her not wanting anything to do with us. We've had abusive phonecalls too and we've drawn the line and set boundaries. There is no contact with her, but thankfully we have with our son and the two grandchildren. For a few years this was delicate and we walked on eggshells.

DIL has recently walked out on him and the boys and because of this the lines of communication are now fully open with them, we don't have to be scared that she's listening in, or worse butting into the conversation we have with our son. For a while we only phoned him at his work.

Great idea to donate to charity, either her or your choice, at least somebody will be grateful to receive a gift.

Take care of yourself, you are not alone it happens to many of us.

[lovespopcorns78]

Thank you everyone for your kind words and support

[sophiegirl]

oh dear, I thought I was the only one! great idea about a gift voucher - will definitely get mother one for the chemist this xmas! I usually give a nice plant in a pot as she said the patio (we built for her) isn't very interesting. Anyway she's now said we're to take them all away. After the initial hurt I'm quite happy about that as they're really nice pots and plants I bought her. Her loss = my gain. good luck with the gift idea!

[GeekyGirl]

Gifts can be seen as a measure of how much you love someone--I know with my mother there's a direct correlation between how she's feeling about someone and how much she spends on a gift for that person. Many people don't see it that way, but there have been threads here about it before (usually around the holidays), and I know that there are more than a few others who feel the same way that you do, lovespopcorns.

You've been given some great advice here! My only question is, why do you want to give the gifts to your mother? If you truly want her to have something that she likes and enjoys, that's one thing, but if you're giving the gifts out of feelings of fear and obligation, I can understand why you're feeling so apprehensive. 

[louise 716]

Great observation, Geekygirl.

Like most people, I had given gifts to son and DIL be/c I WANTED to. Then when we got blasted about the crappy gifts I figured I sure don't need to waste my time shopping, wrapping etc., so since I still WANTED to do something that's when I switched to the cash. When son told us his wife (uBPD) was "done with us all" I no longer WANTED to do diddly squat for her. Sure is a lot cheaper that way!  Then, last Christmas, when the cash didn't go over, since I still WANTED to do something for son I did the donation with choosing the donation website option of having a card being sent to the recipient. Now since that didn't go over (be/c we acknowledged son's bd and not DIL's - again, be/c she said she was "done with us all", I no longer feel like I WANT to do anything. Our gift giving (thoughtfulness, love) caused son a lot of grief.  It's not worth it. Last Christmas son's starving college students siblings, based on their given budget, were very thoughtful (I thought) in gifts to son's wife. Months later, according to son, those gifts were considered to be thoughtless. I am not going to force any type of gift on anyone ... .I don't care who the person is. 

At this point, with Christmas coming I figure I still have two choices: A: Since, in our case, son will at least occasionally speak to his father (my DH) I figure DH can tell son something along the lines of son knows in his heart we would like to acknowledge Christmas like we have done every year previous with a gift or cash, but be/c of the circumstances we aren't able to, but know we love him very much and will always be here for him and/or B: donate to same organization in son's name but do NOT choose the option of having notification sent to son. When the notification arrives here, keep it somewhere for a later date. At least that is what I am mulling over in my brain for now.

[lovespopcorns78]

wow! why do I still give her gifts, I know she is on limited income and I think it will help her out BUT my husband says the same thing why do I ? am I still hoping she will love me this time next time this is a question I am not sure how to look for the answer am I still looking for some small gesture of acceptance  Thank you everyone for all your support ... again am I just setting myself up to fail and perpetuating the cycle YIKES, much to think about... .thank you all!

[louise 716]

lovespopcorn,

Consider my mantra ... ."Whatever you say/don't say, do/don't do can and will be used against you."

Those are words I live by re: my uBPD DIL.

Sadly, odds are, you will never get the acceptance from your mom that you are looking for.

[sophiegirl]

I have in the past bought 2 tickets to an opera or play that I think she will enjoy. I take her, she buys lunch, and generally that goes well and she behaves herself. What we go to isn't my scene but like you I always hope she will suddenly love me like a mum should.

[lovespopcorns78]

Thank you everyone!