Rock and a hard place = the worst month of my life

[darling82]

Hi, everyone. I hope someone can help me. The Undecided board seemed like the best place to be even though I know I want to work on my marriage. But my h/exh with bipolar and undiagnosed BPD tendencies has been giving me mixed messages ever since he wanted to end things with me a month ago.

Short version: Out of the blue, my h/exh of six years and partner for 9 tells me he can't trust me because I left him last January, and even though he has never cheated on me, he hates that I check up on him. I only did because he wasn't coming home at night and received a text from a girl who said she is "so into him" that it's scary. A couple of months earlier he had told me that we were fine and that he had forgiven me. I was beyond heartbroken. The next day I get a new apartment and start to gather things for our son (who's 5) and me to start over.

Hubby finds out about my apt and asks to go out. I did, and he sings to me, kisses me and later at home initiates sex. We also went out later in the week and had sex again this time in a public place. I'm not proud of these actions but it kept me close to him.

A few days later, I find out that the girl who texted my h/exh is now his girlfriend. I confront them at the bar, talked to her and found out that the h/ex told her we had been divorced for three to four months (!) and that they had been dating for a couple of weeks. I corrected her about the breakup happening just a week before, and she said it didn't matter to her. She was in love, and he told her he loved her first. She later texted me and told me that he was no longer my burden to bear and I was obviously meant for greater things. The home wrecker has no idea what she is in for!

At this point, I figure it is over and I stay away. But last week, my h/exh calls me over to help him with a budgeting issue. I did, and when we go back to our former bedroom together to talk, he kisses me and says he can't have sex with anyone but me. We have sex again. He later tries to get me to go out with him but I said no. We play guitars together and he later plays our song in front of his new gf, who he admits to me that he does not care about and only agreed to go out with her because she is disposable and cares about him.

This week, he again asks for a favor and I help him. He asks me out and this time I say yes but only if I'm not the third wheel on a date. He says I won't be and tells me that he is giving up music and wants to play his last show with me. Before the show we have sex again, but this time he hesitates saying he doesn't want to be a bad person or a bad boyfriend. I did not force myself on him, and told him that I will stop coming on to him. He said that would be a pity and then we did it anyway.

We play and it's a great show but afterward he gets very depressed. He wants to know why I left all those months ago and apologizes for ever making me feel like I needed to leave. He is crying and saying he tried to love me like he should but just failed at it. He then tells me a story about making a deal with the devil for two things in exchange for his soul: that he would play the best show in his life and that I would look at him like I did 9 1/2 years ago... .like I love him. He cries and says everyone would be better off if he was dead. He says he wants to give up music because he no longer has me as his muse.

I told him I love him still and I want him to forgive me. Since then he has asked me and our son over for dinner. I saw him yesterday and today too, and he looks at me like he's worried about me.

I'm beating my head against the wall trying to figure out what to do. I have deep depressive thoughts, some even fantasizing about death because I know it is the only way the pain will stop. I know my h/exh is manic now but I am afraid I put too much stock into his disorder to try and justify his actions. Please help me if you can. Just talking about it has made me feel a little better.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Hi darling82, welcome to the community. I'm sorry to hear about your struggles, I can see it's a confusing and difficult time for you. Bipolar + BPD is no easy mix to deal with.

I told him I love him still and I want him to forgive me. Since then he has asked me and our son over for dinner. I saw him yesterday and today too, and he looks at me like he's worried about me.

I'm beating my head against the wall trying to figure out what to do. I have deep depressive thoughts, some even fantasizing about death because I know it is the only way the pain will stop. I know my h/exh is manic now but I am afraid I put too much stock into his disorder to try and justify his actions. Please help me if you can. Just talking about it has made me feel a little better.

I'm so sorry, I feel your pain   

Is is the fact that you don't know what he wants that is causing you to hurt like this?

[darling82]

It is. His main reason for ending our marriage is that he cannot trust me.

I had accepted it was over and then he pulls me back in. Maybe half-ass telling me that we shouldn't be having sex or kissing because he wants to be a good boyfriend, but still coming on to me. If the new gf is disposable, why does he want to be faithful? If she is not, why lay the guilt trip on me when you are equally pursuing me? The latest he did that was on Thursday.

Hi, Scarlet. Thanks for your post.

I know he is manic but I have yet to find any comfort. And the things he said to me on Monday - how he is sorry for making me leave 18 months ago but it's too late now even though he would give anything to change it if he could, etc. - still resonate with me. I feel like it is my fault. I should have talked to him before and never resorted to leaving, even though I was depressed and contemplating suicide then too. I feel I caused my own pain. And even though I went back wanting to give it another try last January, he says he cannot get over my betrayal.

The other part is recognizing his manic behavior and knowing how they end up. He doesn't want my help but in the past he has needed me to step in and make sure he gets to the hospital, doctor visit, etc. before things get out of hand. I love this man and I so desperately wish I didn't anymore. How can I get to a new normal for my son and me when I know that the crash is going to come soon and it is going to be bad?

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Hi again darling82. First of all, I and many other members have found help and comfort in seeing a therapist. Is that a possibility for you? Someone professional who can help you sort through all of this.

You ask how you can get to a new normal when you know that the crash is coming. Do you mean to continue with your new life without him? Fearing that he will come down from his manic phase and "crash"?

All of this can't be easy, I would be confused and sad if I were in your situation. All I can say is that it takes time finding a new normal. And it involves wading through a lot of emotional mud.

As for now, here are two links that might me helpful for you. The Do's and Don'ts for a BP relationship

and

Conflict dynamics/Karpman triangle

[Samuel S.]

While I understand your frustration and your desire to possibly want to resume having a marriage with him, he is being extremely selfish and extremely disrespectful of you. If he wishes to be married, you are his partner. If he wishes to be single, then, he can do whatever he pleases, and you can do whatever you please. Frankly, he is playing a very devious game and conning you in the process. You have to protect yourself emotionally and physically. Also and just as importantly, your child needs a good role model. Your H is a bad one. Frankly, you would be better off moving out and onward for yourself and for your child. I know it's rough, a rock and a hard place as you say, but to beat yourself up when he himself has the problem will only hurt you and your child.

[darling82]

Scarlet - I had my first session with my counselor this past week and my next one is this coming. His previous crashes have all involved big dramatic blowups (the first on my birthday, which is coming up) and hospital institutions. His depression, admittance to not taking his medicine like he should and the way he was talking the other night are big indicators that it is coming soon.

And thank you for the links. I will take a look at them before I go to bed tonight.

Samuel, thank you also for your comments. I don't know how I got to the point I am now, which is pretty much letting my h/exh treat me however he wishes and I still go back. I know that is not how a loving, healthy relationship should be, but I still love him. My son and I are living in a new apartment now, though it is somewhat nearby (a hazard of on campus housing but I can enter and exit the community without driving by my old home). I am trying to focus on my master's degree and I want my son's life to be as normal as possible. He tells me he wants it to be just mom and him. I just need to make sure we spend more time at home and less time at his dad's. That will be hard, especially when it is my h/exh who keeps calling and inviting us over to watch TV/eat/hang out.

My weakness is when he calls and needs a favor, like budgeting his finances or going to the grocery store. That's been my downfall these past couple of weeks.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

I'm glad to hear that you have a counsellor. Anticipating his crashes must be tiring and stressful. It is hard to love someone and want to be with them and know that they are not well or not living in the same reality as you. Can you possibly contact his doctor or someone professional about his manic state?

I don't know if this is something that you feel ready to read, but there is an article on reasons why people keep going back to relationships that are unhealthy. I know that you want to be in the relationship, and I'm not trying to push you one way or the other. It's of course up to you. If you wish to read it, it's here:

Ten Beliefs That Can Get You Stuck - Surviving a Breakup with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder

And there's also a really good workshop on breaking up and getting back together:

US: "Relationship Recycling" - What is it?

Just some food for though.

[darling82]

Scarlet, you have been so awesome. I started this weekend so upset, confused and hurt by his actions. And I still am, but I am coming to the realization that my h/exh is a man I need to love from afar ... .at least for now. Something so great in the link you posted earlier about "The Do's and Don'ts" really struck a chord with me.  I have long accepted the role as his emotional caretaker but this sentence, wow... .

":)on’t protect them from natural consequences of their actions - let them fail"

I have wanted to protect him for so long that it becomes second nature. I can't be the one to warn him all along that he is going to crash. He is choosing to be with this other girl because she worships him, drinking all the time and so forth. He has always been a drama queen and I am no longer going to partake in this love triangle he is trying to perpetuate. He forgets the times he was emotionally abusive toward me and the many other times I have forgiven him. But this double standard of not being able to let go of the ONE thing that could be brought up against me is crap.

I think I am about to hit the acceptance wall of the grieving process... .yay. If only I can stop getting sucked back in... .

[Scarlet Phoenix]

":)on’t protect them from natural consequences of their actions - let them fail"

It is a powerful phrase, and one not easy to follow when feelings are involved. It's good that you're seeing that his actions are his choices and that it's not for your to make things better.

I think I am about to hit the acceptance wall of the grieving process... .yay. If only I can stop getting sucked back in... .

And yay for getting one step further   Getting stuck or moving in circles repeating old patterns brings frustration and hopelessness. Moving forward brings some kind of hope. Baby steps!

[Surnia]

  darling

How are you doing?

[darling82]

First off, Surnia, seeing your post on this wall brought a big smile to my face. Thank you.

Overall, I am doing better. I haven't been on here for about a week because, well, it was my birthday. My h/exh had said he wanted to spend some time with me on that day but all I got was a text and a facebook chat. I told him I'd be home later and even texted when I got there. But still never heard from him and I did not want to just assume because the gf might be there. My son and I just ate tacos and watched professional wrestling. The usual Monday night stuff.

I was sad, sure, but really confused when I saw him the next day and he asked me why I never came over. I said I never heard from you. He hugged me and said happy birthday anyway. When I asked if he wanted to go out later in the week, he said he was too busy with work.

My h/exh looked terrible when I saw him, like he was depressed and hadn't slept in days. My heart broke for him and I still have the compulsion to try to sweep in there and take care of him. I told him I was worried about him. He said don't be. He later told my sister-in-law that nobody cares about him.

His crash is coming, and I have to sit on my hands. This sucks.

[Surnia]

Even if it is too late: Happy birthday to you. 

I wish you strength, good connections with friends, your son... .

As for him: It may be hard I think you are doing the right thing.

I had a similar experience with my bipolar brother, who was 2 times arrested out of his own apartment bc he vandalised. The first time I try to convince the emergency psych doc at the police to let him go. I will never forget, we are both leaving the police station, my brother turned without words and left. The second time  I stayed away from doing anything. He spent a week in a hospital. Its hard and I think its better for me.

[darling82]

Thank you. My condolences for what you had to go through with your brother. When my exh is taking his medication regularly, he is a great guy, smart and charismatic. I miss the intellectual conversations we had every day while we were drinking coffee. When he is off his meds and drinking heavily, he is self-destructive and emotionally abusive. He also has no grip on reality right now. A realistic response would have been to reply to me when we corresponded about plans for the birthday party. It was unrealistic to think I'd just show up knowing that the gf might be there too. And then I would probably punch her in her ugly face, get arrested on my birthday... .jk. Well sort of.   

I need strength, the same you had when your brother went to the hospital. Because if/when the crash comes, I am going to feel the pull to help again, probably stronger than ever.

Oh well. My T suggests social hobbies and I'm trying to do that. More good news: my midterm grades are in from my master's classes, and I'm making straight A's.    Despite it all!

[Surnia]

Thank you. 

And congrats for the As! You made yourself a great birthday present. 

I think taking the meds regularly is one of the keys for people diagnosed with Bipolar. And staying away from drinking.

Do you know why he is abstaining from the meds? Is it bc of the weight gain or is he missing the maniac part or something else?

Great you are working with a T! And I like your sense of humor. 

[darling82]

I think  my exh stopped taking his medication because he thought it would help him get up easier for work. He would cut them (the pills) in half. Now I think he is off them completely. I ran into him tonight and he smelled of alcohol. Sigh. But I think too he started putting a lot of pressure on himself. He has said everyone wants something from him and we are the ones with the problem not him. I have even tried asking him in an abstract way, inquiring what he would do if I stopped my antidepressants. That didn't work either.

I feel so many emotions right now. I am just trying to figure him out, even though I know I can't. It is hard to let him fail because I believe I could fix it if he'd let me.

Sometimes my humor is all I have. I feel I'm thisclose to saying it he'll with it and turn this whole thing into a country song, and get my revenge on both of these people.